I'm not okay

A place for my real self

[uksadgirllife]

My heart aches

[uksadgirllife]

i feel like im trapped here, stuck in this hole with no way out, all these thoughts about my future just seems to be fading away i dont know what to do im about to break down searching for a way out. i think things are not going to get any better until i move out here 

[uksadgirllife]

My silence is just another word for my pain 

[uksadgirllife]

I miss the feeling of being loved, i miss the touch of a hand on my warm skin. I want to feel wanted, i want to be loved 

[uksadgirllife]

Looks like I eat the whole box i could see what i was doing and i still did it, 

[uksadgirllife]

I just want to be happy, i just want to make happiness if thats possible with someone. I want to smile because I’m not, not sad. 

[uksadgirllife]

I don’t want to be like this, I want to be able to eat three health meals a day without feeling like I’m going to lose control again. 

People think eating disorders are as simple and just slap on labels, but how do you label something that you do not understand.

I hate my weight, i always have. I want to lose it but it never seems to go so some days I go without eating, some days I will chew it and spit it out. some days I over eat and force it back up. Sometimes i eat to the point i have no choice but to be sick. I can’t trust myself around food i feel like I’m a bottomless pit that needs to be filled. What label would you stick on me?  Anorexia, Bulimia  BED,  Rumination ?

I’ve read your labels and I don’t feel like I fit into any of them. I’m just trying to have some control. 

[uksadgirllife]

I break my own heart by expecting people to be as attached to me as I am to them. 

[uksadgirllife]

My smile will hide it all.

They cant get too close, they will see the scars.

They will see the pain. They will know the hurt. 

This smile will be shown from sunrise till sunset, but while no soul is moving near me, i will let that smile fall. Unmasking the truth of who i am. 

[uksadgirllife]

They are mine, but they are yours.

They are ours, but they are yours.

I birthed them, but they are yours

You didn’t take them from me, I gave them up,

I didn’t give up on them, I gave up on myself.

You take care of them, your whom they want, when they are sad or happy, they want you.

It’s been 6 long yars but they are happy safe, healthy and I am not theirs. 

[uksadgirllife]

My trust has been broken so many times. If i tell you something that has hurt me a lot, that ive told you i don’t want others knowing, and you betray my trust, then that makes you a shitty person. I don’t care if we fall out / break up. If i trusted you with that info, you don’t have the right to share it. 

[uksadgirllife]

Recently diagnosed with something that can be manged with on going medications and regular blood tests but is it wrong for me to not take them, to not want to get better? Maybe just maybe this could be a way out. 

[uksadgirllife]

I’m screaming for it, i want to go. I want to die. Please someone see my pain, see me. I hate this world, i hate my life.

[uksadgirllife]

Please take me just take me i cant do it anymore i dont want to

[uksadgirllife]

I would have done anything for you but this whole being too busy is bullcrap if you really cared you wouldn’t keep lying. Just go because i don’t want half of you, i don’t just want the good i want the bad i want everything in between just leave me because i cant take this anymore

[uksadgirllife]

[uksadgirllife]

There is something out there. There has to be. I can’t do this anymore