Diary Entry 11 (Chapter 1)
So Mariko, you want me to share my true thoughts about everyone? Huh? You really do? Well strap in bitch, cause we’re gonna be here a while!
Let’s start with you. I knew, from the very first moment you called me useless, that I was going to hate you. You’re a manipulative, self-serving, I’d dare to say psychopath who’s a huge fucking hypocrite to boot. You love stirring up drama, but when the heat’s on you suddenly it’s not so fun anymore. You like feeling like you’re on top, like you’ve got everyone figured out and that you know just how to break them. It’s because you feel powerless otherwise, isn’t it? You’re small. Probably weak. You need to assert your dominance because otherwise you think you’re going to get trampled on. I know how it is. Still, take care of that doll, okay? I feel like- maybe there’s still hope for you. Not all bullies become raging assholes when they grow up.
Haruhi Nosaka, you’re a prick. I know your head’s so far up your ass that you can’t hear all the people calling you out for being one, but you are a prick. You’re a lot like Mariko, you know? You need to feel like you’re on top, that everyone’s under your foot, that you’re the one pulling the strings. It’s because you’re insecure, isn’t it? Don’t think I’m dumb enough to believe your eyepatch is just a fashion accessory, though they were popular last season. You’re probably ashamed about whatever’s hiding under there, right? And just like the family crest you’ve pasted on your eyepatch, you hide behind your family, wealth, and status to feel less like a complete shitshow over it. God, no wonder you’re so pretentious. You need someone easy to push down so you can pull yourself up. It feels good, doesn’t it?
Isamu, what do I even say about you? You’re a bully who values winning and athletics over actually being a decent human being. Maybe if you stop treating everyone like shit over not exercising enough or whatever, you’d actually have friends and wouldn’t have to be superficially happy? You won both times we fought, and I can’t say if you deserved to or not. I’m an asshole when I’m pissed, but that doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole to begin with.
Robyn next I guess. I- like you. You’re a good person, you know that? I feel like you just want to take care of people, and that’s a good trait for a doctor to have. Sure, you’re brash, abrasive, and cuss a lot more than I’d like, then again I wish I could cuss more. You give people sympathy but you tell them how to do better at the same time. Thank you for that.
Nori- you can be kind of annoying? Like, you’re a bit too physical for comfort sometimes, and it can be really hard to talk about more personal stuff with you. I like you, but everything just feels superficial...is that mine or your fault? Regardless, you’re a great gossip, I love talking shit about people with you in between bouts of normal conversation. Oh, and I’m sorry I cry so damn much. It’s my fault, not yours. Though the new scar on my hand totally was your fault, I just told you it was okay because I hate making you upset.
Hyosuke- why do I feel so awkward around you? I think it’s because you’re so closed off. We’re both closed off, not letting people in all the time. I wish I could open up more, but I’m just so afraid of hurting people or getting hurt...do you feel similarly to that? Regardless, I do think there are people here who’d be willing to like you if you let them in, so if you can, open up some more instead of hiding under all those layers of clothing. Seriously, are you that cold all the time? Why do you wear so many coats?
Arisa and Emi- I wish I had more to say about you guys, I really do, but I don’t. You’re both nice, good people, and Arisa thank you for the scissors. Emi, please take care of your son, and don’t let the people smack talking you keep you from loving him. And Arisa, I’m so sorry about Ryo and I’m glad you liked the memorial. I want to get to know each of you better.
Saori- I trusted you and you shattered that trust into a million pieces. Are you that fucking stupid? Do you really think that just because I told you about my anger issues it gives you the right to tell other people that I should beat Haruhi up? Insensitive bitch. Then again, maybe it’s my fault for giving away such sensitive information to someone I just met because we both agreed Haruhi is an asshole. I think most people here agree they’re an asshole anyway.
My clients- I’ve gone on about them before, but to recap for the new journal, I hate them. I hate their stuck-up attitudes, their entitlement, the way they treat everyone like crap out of ignorance or just plain assholeishness. I hate the fact that I constantly have to hide everything, because if I don’t they’ll destroy me. I hate the reason they like me so much. I hate how they think I’m so sweet, and how they use that to stroke their own egos about how great they are for buying my dresses when they’re working me to the bone.
No- no, I don’t hate what they think of me. I admit, I love being pitied. To be pushed around and kicked and beaten for being poor, a kid with a single mom, weak, girly, stuttering so much I could barely talk, to be treated like that for all those reasons my whole life and then have it all turn around because I’m useful? That’s what I hate. I bet that’s the reason I’m so pity hungry, first time in the spotlight and suddenly I’m being fawned over. It’s fucking fantastic. It’s led to my worst decisions and yet I can’t stop. It’s so good I can’t stop clawing after it, even when I know I don’t deserve it. I’m a monster, an actual fucking monster, one who can’t control his emotions and destroys his only friendship because god forbid he doesn’t get his pity fix, god forbid he doesn’t shut up and let her be happy even when he’s doing most of the work, but she has to get the credit because she’s the designer and THATS HOW IT WORKS YOU HUMAN TRASH NOW GET BACK IN LINE AND SHUT UP!
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, this is bringing out a lot of emotion I’m sorry I’m so sorry why can’t I stop apologizing they’re useless I’m useless god why the fuck am i pity mongering to a journal im the real shitshow.
Okay, I’ve waited too long to finally get to this part but, Hana. I miss you. I’m never going to stop missing you. I wish you’d noticed what was happening, or that I actually grew a nerve and a few brain cells and fucking told you, but I just wanted you to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted was to keep you smiling. I thought, in all my idiotic wisdom that if I took credit every now and then we could both be happy, I could keep you happy, but I went too far and now neither of us are happy. I’m such a fucking dumbass. You told me friends don’t hurt friends and even though we were seven and stupid I wanted to keep believing that a decade later but now I can’t. I can’t because I fucked up, and you’re the one person I’m never going to get pity from again. I can’t say I don’t blame you, but I can’t say I don’t still hope you’ll come back someday, that we could be friends again. I want to tell the world what happened but I can’t, not while Mom’s still alive, she needs me. Hell I don’t even know if I’ll be brave enough to do it when she’s dead, but I want to. I want it to all come crashing down because you fucking deserve to see me fall, and I’m going to Hell anyway so I might as well prepare myself.
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