THE ART OF PRETENDING I'M NOT STARING ೃ࿐
synopsis: ellie's extremely gay diary entries about you, the girl who sits a row ahead of her in class, who she absolutely did not want to get paired with for the history project... probably.
content warnings: kinda pervy ellie, suggestive content, ellie’s pov, informal style, loser!ellie, lowkey oblivious reader, obsessive themes, nerdy ellie, she is down bad, stalking? high school au (characters are eighteen). next part
Tuesday
okay so apparently there are actual limits to how much one girl can think about another girl before it becomes medically concerning because I’m pretty sure I crossed that line like weeks ago and now my body is suffering the consequences. she wore this sweater today. that’s it. normal duh everyone wears clothes. except no it isn’t because now I’m gonna spend the next six months thinking about the way the collar fell over her shoulder and revealed her clavicle, I'm salivating.
what is WRONG with me.
she was sat next to me during class and I genuinely cannot tell you what the teacher was talking about gun to my head. like I was fully gone. empty head. no thoughts except oh my god oh my god oh my god.
I need to get a grip, but like, I don’t actually want to? I keep trying to get her attention in ways that don’t make me look insane. like y'know making jokes and stuff when she’s nearby or answering questions in class so maybe she’ll think I’m smart too bro idk.
except every single time she actually acknowledges me I panic and immediately become the dumbest person alive. today she asked me if I understood the homework and instead of saying just saying yes like a normal fucking person I went “uhhhhhh.”
literally that. “uhhhhhh.”
then I said some stupid shit about mitochondria before realizing we were in HISTORY. I need to be euthanized get me outta here.
she laughed though. not in a mean way. like genuinely laughed. And all that did was make me consider jestering as a possible future profession.
Wednesday
Okay so i'm actually hopeless. Like genuinely. She sat in front of me in english today and, I need everyone involved in my life to understand how serious this is. I could see the back of her neck cause her hair was tied up, and i spent literally half the class staring at it instead of paying attention. I think if anyone looked inside my brain they'd just find tv stactic and little hearts floating around. It's bad. I think I started drooling at some point.
She kept like- twirling those loose strands of her hair while she was writing and i couldn't. stop. looking. at her hands, fuuuuck. I tried going up to her after class, because i keep telling myself i need to act normal if i ever want her to think i’m worth talking to (and normal people approach others instead of romantically gazing at them from afar), but then she smiled at me and my brain immediately melted out my ears. i mumbled something about the homework and she started explaining part of it and i swear i retained none of it because i was too busy staring at her mouth like a fucking creep.
she probably thinks i’m dumb as hell. which sucks because i’m actually not dumb right. i just become clinically stupid around her specifically.
god she smells good too. I don't even think it's perfume or anything. just her. i got to sit next to her during the project meeting and every time she leaned closer i thought i was gonna pass out.
i’m so fucked.
Thursday
history project again today. i got there last because i spent like twenty minutes fixing my hair beforehand like a loser. she still looked prettier than me immediately without even trying. evil honestly. i CANT EVEN BE MAD UGGHH.
she sat beside me instead of across from me this time because the library was crowded and i genuinely could not focus for a solid ten minutes. her thigh kept brushing mine accidentally under the table and every single time i got all tingly… i think i'm a femcel. i honestly don’t even think she noticed. meanwhile i’m sitting there fighting for my life hello.
she laughs at all my stupid jokes too. that’s the worst part. why why why why what does it meaaan?? i’ll say the dumbest shit imaginable and she’ll look at me with this little smile like i’m actually funny. i think i’d do literally anything to keep hearing her laugh.
at one point she leaned over me to look at my laptop and her hair brushed my shoulder and i swear to god i almost whimpered out loud. which would’ve been a horrific thing to do in a public library so thank god i still have some self control left. barely.
also i caught myself looking at her legs like three separate times today. i need to be put down.
Saturday
saw her outside school today by accident and she waved at me first. FIRST.
i think i looked around to make sure she meant me which is embarrassing in retrospect but better safe than sorry. she walked over and started talking to me about the project and i tried so hard to keep eye contact like a normal person but she’s so pretty it actually hurts my soul. like physically. especially when her eyes light up while she’s talking. sighhhh.
she touched my arm for like one second when she laughed at something i said and i have genuinely not recovered. one second. that’s all it takes apparently. but i keep thinking about what she’d be like if she liked someone. like really liked someone. i wonder if she’d get shy about it or if she’d be sweet and obvious. i wonder if she’d hold their hand all the time. i wonder what her face would look like right before kissing somebody.
anyway. normal thoughts from me.
i’m trying really hard not to come off too desperate around her but i think the desperation is starting to leak out through the cracks, or maybe that's just sweat idk i'm definitely always sweating around her. she asked if i was okay because i got really quiet all of a sudden and i almost told her the truth which is “yeah i’m just trying not to think about climbing into your lap right now.”
instead i said i was tired.
close enough.
Monday
i actually think she might care about me a little and that’s somehow scarier than her ignoring me. we were working on the project again and i mentioned i hadn’t slept much because of studying and she got all concerned about it immediately. like soft voice and little frown and everything. she told me i should take better care of myself.
someone please tell her to stop, have some mercy on my poor lovesick lesbian soul.
the thing is she says my name a lot when we talk. like way more than most people do. am i tripping or is she doing that thing where you keep repeating someone's name casually in conversation to get them to like you??? I'm aware of how delusional i sound but idc i want her to want me.
also today she stretched while sitting next to me and her shirt lifted up just a little and i had to look down at my notes immediately, i could literally feel myself blushing too. pathetic. absolutely pathetic.
she kept nudging my foot under the table accidentally and apologizing every time and meanwhile i’m sitting there thinking please please never stop touching me actually. i know i need to get some action. from her. i want her, i want to be hers.
— e
Wednesday
i think i’m being hunted for sport by the universe because there’s no other explanation for the way she keeps accidentally doing the hottest things imaginable completely unprompted.
today during the project meeting she got frustrated with one of the articles we were reading and started ranting about how badly it was written and OH MY GOD. first of all she’s cute when she’s annoyed. terrible news for me personally. second of all she does this thing where she talks with her hands when she gets excited and i genuinely stopped processing english for a minute because i was too busy staring at her fingers (put them inside me. wait who said that). which sounds insane. because it is insane. i’ve reached levels of lesbianism previously thought impossible by modern science. nasa should study me.
also she stole my pencil without asking and kept chewing on the end of it while reading through her notes and i had to sit there acting normal about that somehow. impossible task. genuinely sisyphean. push the boulder up the hill every day only for the boulder to turn out to be thoughts about her mouth.
at one point she leaned over REALLY close to show me something on her laptop and i swear i could feel the heat coming off her skin. i almost short-circuited like a shitty little robot in a rainstorm. she smelled like coconut shampoo and caramel. i noticed immediately because apparently i’m a bloodhound now.
please i want her so bad it’s actually making me stupid.
Friday
she wore this tiny dinosaur pin on her backpack today. like a little triceratops. i almost proposed marriage on the spot. i asked her about it trying to seem casual and she got all excited telling me her favorite dinosaurs and i swear to god i could’ve listened to her talk forever. She's always so passionate when she talks and i just sit there nodding like an idiot.
she said parasaurolophus is underrated and honestly that might’ve been the sexiest thing anybody’s ever said to me. this is so embarrassing. if anybody ever read this diary i’d have to fake my own death immediately. maybe launch myself into space. which honestly wouldn’t be so bad if she came with me.
OH and she touched my shoulder today while laughing at one of my jokes and i literally forgot what i was saying mid-sentence. just fully blanked. blue screen of death. windows shutdown noise in my brain. i almost came fr.
i think she noticed too because she gave me this little look after, i swear i almost melted through the floor. there is absolutely no heterosexual explanation for the way i think about this girl. none. scientists would take one look at me and immediately diagnose me with advanced lesbianism. terminal condition. no cure.
Sunday
i had a dream about her last night and now i can’t look her in the eye what is my problem.
nothing even happened really, we were just laying next to each other looking at stars and she kept talking softly while i watched her face. dream-me apparently has more game than real-me because i actually touched her hand in it instead of acting like a startled raccoon every time she gets within three feet of me.
then today she sat next to me during the project thing and rested her chin in her hand while reading over my notes and i wanted to to reach over and tuck her hair away from her pretty face. i wanna braid it. i wanna braid her hair, is that weird? i wanna brush it and put bows in it and smell it n' stuff… hehe anyway.
she kept stealing glances at me too. or maybe i’m hallucinating because i want her attention so badly my brain is making things up now. both are equally possible. also i noticed she has this tiny mole near her jaw today and now unfortunately i’m going to think about it until the heat death of the universe.
i’m so beyond fucked. like astronomically fucked. black-hole-level gravitational pull fucked. there is no one else on the planet that i will ever feel this connected to again i swear. and she’s NICE to me. like genuinely nice, my sweet perfect angel.
she asked if i’d eaten yet today because i mentioned being hungry and i almost had to excuse myself to go scream into the parking lot.
i need her biblically.
— e
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