I guess you could call this a disclaimer. I’ve had a lot on my mind the last few days and it’s really kind of eating at me now. So, I decided I’d tell a little bit about myself to whoever cares to read it. If you don’t like depressing stories or reading the the words of a woman gone mad, then I hope you enjoy the rest of your day. And, just for the record, I’m not writing this for anyone or to gain attention. I’m writing it because I’ve run out of ideas to get these memories and thoughts out of my head. It’s a way to see how much I’ve grown.
To start, I have both depression and anxiety. Always have for as long as I can recall. Well, at least for anxiety because I think depression came along when I was about ten. No real cause except that it runs in the family.
Growing up, I never had many friends. One or two tops at any given time. I went to a small school and most of the kids I grew up with had vastly different personalities than my own. So, a lot of the time, I played by myself. Or not at all at times. I remember one day clearly. I was sitting on this jungle gym that we called “the spider” because it looked like it had multiple legs. I was just sitting there... not playing, but observing everyone else. One of the teachers who were keeping watch came over and asked “Do you want me to make the others play with you?” I replied by shaking my head. Now that I’m older, I understand how odd that seems. From an adult’s perspective, I must have seemed a bit odd anyway. I never really talked or interacted with others. (Still don’t.) But, I also understand now just how bad my anxiety was back then. I was literally afraid to play with other kids. I felt like no one wanted me around. That didn’t change in High School either.
So, I’ve always been an outcast. That’s established. However, my teenage years proved it only more so. Again, my depression was set in at this point. I still didn’t have many friends and I spent a LOT of time alone, both in and out of school. I also want to point out that it wasn’t always my conscious decision, though. I legitimately didn’t think anyone in my school liked me all too much. It didn’t happen often, but I was made fun of and laughed at sometimes. What can I say? Teenagers are jerks. Anyway, it didn’t help, of course. My depression worsened and my anxiety was always through the roof. I didn’t speak unless spoken to. Hell, I couldn’t even make eye contact half of the time. Things didn’t really start to improve until around my senior year. When I finally decided to not give a shit. (I still did though. A lot.) I became a little more like myself. I didn’t try to hide away so much. It was a process that took many years to get through.
It got a little easier to talk to people and become friends with more than one person at a time. Of course, it got waaaay easier when I got to college. No, my anxiety and depression never disappeared. Not for a second, but it was easier. More so now than ever, though. I can actually hold conversations with people without getting sweaty palms and talking so low they can’t hear. And I do have people to thank for that. Some of them are not really friends with me anymore, but they did help in little ways.
This is about as long as I thought it was going to be. I definitely could type more, but I don’t think I need to for now. All in all, I wrote this so that I could see how far I’ve come. Like I said, my anxiety and depression haven’t gone anywhere and they never will. However, I have learned to cope in the best ways. I put my mind and thoughts toward more important things than negativity. I’ve found hobbies that deter me from wanting to wallow in self pity all day. Is it still hard? Without a doubt. But, I’m better. It took several, long, painful years, but I’m better than I was.
Now. If you’ve actually sat here and read this, congrats. I’m not the best writer. And if you feel similarly or have gone through the same things, then I hope this gives you some hope. Don’t succumb to your anxiety and/or depression. You are worth much more than that. No matter how alone you may be or what thoughts you may have. It WILL get better. I promise.
blakekathryn
pixelskylines
kaledo-art
2087
