life; my most incredible journey

[ultraundefined-blog]

empty.

Do you ever just feel like a shell of a person? I do. I feel like I’m just going through my life with an huge, empty hole inside of me. I am not happy and I don’t think I have been for a while. Somewhere along the way I lost who I was. It’s ripping me apart. I feel like I’m nothing but a disappointment. The more I let people down, the wider the hole gets. I don’t know how much longer I can control it. Has no one heard the saying that the higher the pedastal that you put someone on, the farther they have to fall? Mine must have been pretty high because I feel like I’ve been falling for a long time. I feel like I don’t even really have friends anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. I just wish I knew where my life was going. It would make everything so much easier. I’m tired of disappointing people. My heart hurts and I’m too tired to bother with finding out how to fix it. I’m just tired and done. 

-am 

[ultraundefined-blog]

Empty.

I don’t know when it started. I guess that, like with most change, it just happened gradually without me even noticing. There was a time when religion was all that I clung to. It gave me hope; It gave me life. Now, I feel like I can’t run fast enough from it. Like I avoid church like it’s the plague and I don’t even know why. Sometimes I feel like God turned his back on me, but deep down I know that’s a load of crap. I can’t even pretend like my life is terrible, because in all honestly, it’s no different. If anything, it’s going pretty good. So, why am I so hesitant to go back to it? I don’t understand. I think I’m turning into the person that I never understood. The one that is okay with sin. Basically, I just don’t care. I know that it should scare me, but I don’t really feel anything anymore. This summer my best friend since fourth grade told me that she is gay. I’ve known it for a long time now. Well, nearly two years. So, it’s not like it was a big shock. But, I was finally able to hear her side of it and talk openly to her about it. It was weird. It made me doubt a lot. As a christian, you’re supposed to be against that stuff and turn away from it and all that jazz. But, she’s my best friend. So, obviously that’s not going to happen. I know that homosexuality is “wrong,” but ever since I’ve talked to her about it, I just can’t make myself be against it. No, I am in no way gay nor will I ever be. That’s just not my scene. But, love is love... right? I don’t know. I think because that is a pretty “large” sin in the christian community and I can’t fully be against it, that’s where the doubt set in. That’s why I’ve been so distant from religion. Honestly, it scares me. Am I a hypocrite? I guess I’m just scared to hear people speak out against it because I love my best friend so much. I don’t know what exactly I’m supposed to do anymore. Especially as a christian. SOS.

-am 

[ultraundefined-blog]

death.

Death is such a complicated concept. We spend our lives knowing that one day it will all suddenly end. Some of us cling to religion and believe that there is life after death. So that we don’t think our days on earth were for nothing? Maybe. But, others simply believe that death is the end. When we die, we cease to exist. I don’t know which is more comforting. Is it more comforting to know that loved ones live on after death and that there is a possibility that we will be reunited one day or to believe that all the evil in the world ceases to exist after death? I’m not sure. Don’t get me wrong, I am religious and therefore I do believe in Heaven and Hell and I know where I’m going to go when I die. With that being said, I guess it makes it less scary to think that one day it’ll happen to me. Otherwise, what? I just don’t exist anymore? I’m just gone? I don’t know I guess I just don’t know how to accept that. Please, don’t think that I for any reason want to die or that I’m not a little scared because I am. It’s the not knowing that’s the scariest. Lately I’ve been thinking about death. Not my death, but my family’s. I need you to understand that I love my family more than anything in this world and that whether it’s a strength or a weakness, when I love, I love with my whole heart. This fact terrifies me. I’ve lived a relatively good life, and I don’t know much about suffering and loss. This is what scares me the most. I don’t know how I can live to see someone in my family die. I don’t know how I would survive that. Like I said, when I love, I love with all of my heart which is great and all but it really just means that when I lose someone, it breaks my heart completely. I’ve suffered breakups which I didn’t think I would make it back from. I was devastated for months and that was just over a stupid boy. I don’t know how I could handle losing someone that I really cared about like my family. I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. The older I get the closer I know I am to this happening and it terrifies me. I pray every day for my family’s safety and cry at the thought of losing them. Does anyone else feel this way?? 

xoxo am

[ultraundefined-blog]

Untold Struggles

It’s been a long time since my last post, two and a half years to be exact, and a lot has changed in my life. Likewise, a lot has remained the same. One thing that I’m thankful for is that it doesn’t matter whether your life stays the same or if it changes, because either way it will continue to go on. It’s a hard concept to grasp and at some times it breaks my heart and others it’s the only thing that I have to comfort me. When times are hard, all I can think to get me through is that life will continue to go on long after the suffering and I just have to be strong enough to get there. I feel like those words are spoken so quickly in today’s society. Not necessarily those exact words, but at least some variation of them. During times of suffering, people will always try to encourage you by saying that time will heal it and that one day it will all be a distant memory. But, as I’ve learned, so many people are quick to give you those comforting words and will be there with you when that time comes, but it seems like they are no where to be found in the days leading up to actually being healed. I guess one metaphor would be surgery. There will always be people that will wish you good luck with it beforehand and will congratulate you when they see how far you’ve come, but they’re no where to be found when you’re actually going through the rehabilitation to regain the strength that you once had. I feel like I’m rambling and jumping all over the place, but this is how I’ve been feeling lately. Actually, I didn’t completely realize it until I sat down and began typing. I’ve just been really feeling this hurt lately. I just feel like all my friends are there for me and want to talk to me and encourage me whenever it is convenient for them. I feel like I do 95% of the work in every single friendship that I have and I’m tired of it. I just really don’t want to try anymore. I guess whenever you have to go through stuff on your own it makes you more aware of what all you can accomplish by yourself and how little you actually need others. Don’t misunderstand me; I still need people in my life. But, as I get older it just seems that the only people I need or really even want for that matter are members of my family. I assume it’s because I know that they’ll always be there for me even if that’s because they somewhat have to be. I guess what I’m trying to say is that one thing that people don’t really teach is the importance of being self-reliant and not having to worry about depending on others. Thus, you won’t have to find self-worth through the opinions of others. You should never let anyone control how you feel about yourself. Ever. Be proud of who you are and what you can overcome and if that’s not enough, find security in your family because they’ll always be there for you. If you don’t really have “family” then lean on the people that you consider your family. Blood doesn’t make you family, love does. 

If you have no one, I’ll be there for you, because I know what it’s like. Either way, never stop fighting because you are worth it.

xoxo, am

[ultraundefined-blog]

What defines you?

when you think about it, what really defines you? society? peers? close friends? religion? values? since this is my first post, i'm going to go ahead and apologize for my clear lack of writing skills as well as my tendency to ramble. anyways, what defines you. what defines me. when i really think about it, it's not just a matter of "what defines us" as much as it is a "what do you let define you." the things that define us are the things that we allow to define us. in the words of henry wadsworth longfellow, "art is long and time is fleeting." this simply means that one day we will all die and every day we live is one day closer to that moment, time is fleeting. but art, or the things you do in this world, is long which means it's what remains when your gone. what kind of art do you want to leave behind? a kindergarten finger-painting that gets looked at briefly and either thrown away immediately or maybe stored away and forgotten OR something like the mona lisa that benefits the world. if i lost you, here's a recap. when your time is up and you're laying on your deathbed looking back on your life whether that's a week from now or fifty years from now, what do you hope to see? now, think of what defines you. is it the same thing that you plan on looking back and being proud of. if you're still a little fuzzy on what i mean, i'll give you an example from my life and then maybe you can think of one in your own. up until recently i let my relationships define me whether it was a best friend or a boyfriend. i found my security in them and allowed them to dictate how i acted. this year i lost both of them. it was not until then that i realized it. now when i look back on my life i'm disappointed on the time i wasted, bridges i burned, and friends i lost because i found my life in them. no, i am not saying friends or significant others are bad.. not by a long shot. only that i have now realized that you shouldn't pour all you have into someone that only tries to change you. you are unique for a reason. find your own voice and make your own choice. don't let anyone of anything limit you or define you. define yourself. and don't wait, you're not promised tomorrow.

-am