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@umbra-yoshi
To whom this may concern....
Dear Tenno,
You, a nondescript tenno or multiple tenno, have committed a negative action which, henceforth, I am rather positive shall bring unfavorable forthcomings upon you.
Sincerely, Theodore S. Talker aka The Stalker
Warframe but like in high school
Atlas: Senior. Workout buddies with Rhino. Has a rock collection. Surprisingly good at cooking.
Ash: Senior. Bros with Excalibur. Closet weeb. Thinks Banshee is attractive.
Banshee: Junior. Loves listening to dubstep. Headphones never come off…NEVER. Very quiet and shy.
Chroma: Senior. Has a large pet lizard that he feeds live chickens named “Draco”. Plays Dragonborn in Dungeons & Dragons. Has multiple dragon posters.
Excalibur: Senior. Plays Quarterback on the football team. Has high grades. Also closet weeb. Has a crush on Mag.
Ember: Junior. Has a thing for Valkyr. Throws lit firecrackers at people. Smokes weed.
Equinox: Freshmen. Creepy twins. Finish each other’s sentences. One wears black, the other wears white. ALWAYS together.
Frost: Junior. Has a thing for Ember. Is always wearing a hoodie because he’s cold…all the time.
Gara: Sophmore.Got to this school on an art scholarship. Really into making glass sculptures. Can be a real hipster sometimes. Alot of the time. Likes to hang out with Loki sometimes but doesn't partake in his blazing. She uses other methods.
Harrow: Sophomore. Really into occult stuff. Has Demonic pentagrams on his notebooks and lockers. “Do you have time to talk about our Lord and savior, Satan?” is the line he uses to break the ice. Taken a liking to Nekros. History teacher’s favorite. Scares the hell outta Mag. (Poor girl.)
Hydroid: Sophomore. Likes pirates of the Caribbean. Wears a pirate hat everywhere. Perverted. Tells terrible pirate related puns.
Inaros: Sophomore. Has a beetle collection. Timid. When threatened throws pocket sand. Nekros’ younger brother.
Ivara: Freshman. Loves Archery. Reads comics. Green Arrow and Hawkeye are favorite heroes. Pro Hanzo in Overwatch. Always falls asleep in class.
Khora: Junior. Really loves cats. Her cat follows her to and from school. Has joined circles of other *clears throat* "animal enthusiasts". *COUGH* Has this secret Dominatrix thing goin' on. Has this crush on Valkyr.
Limbo: Junior. Wears a Tux everywhere. Thinks he’s good with the ladies. Not very good with the ladies. Terrible at Math.
Loki: Sophomore. Ash’s younger brother. Plays pranks with Mirage. Has a criminal record for Vandalism and Public indecency. Also smokes weed.
Lotus: Principal. Knows everything about the students. Chooses to do nothing about it. Inexplicably always drinking coffee. Plays handheld games (like DS and PSP) during work hours.
Mag: Freshman. Trusted by Lotus to keep everyone in check. Never acts out. Straight A’s. Makes Nyx jealous because her boobs are bigger. Loves Astrology and Physics. Has science blog. Smallest in school
Mirage: Senior. Teases Loki with “Perverted acts”. Loves playing pranks. Blew up Principal’s bathroom and didn’t get caught. Rarely shows up for class. Likes to dress Mag up in outfits.
Mesa: Junior. Plays Overwatch with Ivara, mains McCree. Loves to tell you what time it is (you know damn well what I mean) Has a bunch of old Cowboy movies. Remembers every scene of Walker Texas Ranger.
Nyx: Senior. Small boobs, big brain. Everyone listens to her, Sorta the disciplinarian.
Nekros: Senior. Always wears all black. Never smiles. Childhood friends with Saryn. Unaware that almost every girl and Limbo (excluding Nyx, Saryn, Ember, Khora, and Mirage) is afraid of him.
Nezha: Sophomore. Only Transgender in school, loves to tell everyone about it. Burned down the gym one time and didn’t get caught. Wrote his name in fire in the school courtyard.
Nidus: Junior. Owns every zombie movie ever. Likes to wear zombie makeup to school. Jumpscares Mag all of the time.
Nova: Freshman. Best at astrophysics…beats Mag actually. Has a weird thing for blowing shit up. Respected by Ember. Tutors Rhino and Valkyr.
Oberon: Junior. President of Nature club. Loves butterflies. Extremely dense but has an A in biology.
Octavia: Junior. Banshee and her are the female equivalent of bros for life. Made Banshee’s Spotify playlist. Makes her own mixtapes. Plays said mixtapes on morning announcements. Lotus would do something about it if she didn’t really like the music.
Ordis: Sophomore. Fairly nice guy on the outside but has some pretty weird/demented thoughts on the inside. Unfortunate that he also has tourette's syndrome. Convinced the Equinox twins that he was the same as them just sharing a body.
Rhino: Senior. Jacked! Pretty dumb. Great football player.
Saryn: Senior. Owns a Katana for God knows why. Pretty chill. Student Council president. Smokes weed and drinks. Developed feelings for Nekros. Created the dogmatic teaching of “Biggest boobs makes the rules”. Also not very liked by Nyx.
Simaris: Junior. Is in charge of a bunch of clubs. Gets REALLY in people's personal space, rapping off the club benefits if anyone shows just a passing interest in joining.
Stalker: Sophomore. Emo. Probably planning school shooting. Hates everyone but Nekros. Has a really creepy crush on Mirage.
Suda: Science Teacher. It's almost creepy how much she knows about science. Hates the History Teacher and all of his "ludicrous theories".
Titania: Freshman. VP of nature club Huge crush on Oberon but will never say it. Even dressed up as a butterfly to get him to notice her only to be outshined by his butterfly costume.
Teshin: Gym teacher. Doesn’t give a fuck.
Trinity: Junior. Goody two shoes. Helps out the school nurse. Wants to be a doctor. Asked Volt to play Doctor. Volt thought she wanted to like practice medicine which they did…sorta.
Vauban: Senior. Engineer. In robotics. A’s in physics. Heard of sports at most. Always in charge of fixing everyone’s….everything. Lotus even bribed him to fix the computersin the lab rather than paying for an actual professional. Worked out in the end.
Volt: Junior. On track team. Listens to Sonic the hedgehog soundtrack while jogging. Crush on Saryn. Avoids Trinity actively.
Valkyr: Sophomore. Good at gym but not much else. Anger issues. Pummeled Hydroid to a pulp for looking at her butt too long. Rhino’s younger cousin. Kinda scared of Khora.
Zephyr: Junior. Owns a pet hawk that creeps out everyone considering it follows her every command. Does parkour and hanglides.
Wukong: Freshman. Practices gymnastics. Practices martial arts with the Bo staff just to say he can. Showed up to practice drunk one time. Has a pet monkey named Pyjak that he puts sunglasses on and takes selfies with.
Clem & Darvo: College kids that hang out near the school. The suppliers of all of the contraband that goes around the school.
Amaryn (New Loka Lady): Vice Principal. Lotus’ advisory and all-around babysitter. Struggling to find a way to hide Lotus' video games from her.
Cressa Tal (Steel Meridian Lady): English Teacher. Claims she hates men yet has a new boyfriend every few weeks. Every class is like a sad romance novel.
Arbiters of Hexis: Mean teachers I forgot to cover.
Ergo Glast (Perrin Sequence guy): Math Teacher. So boring he sometimes puts himself to sleep while he’s at the board teaching.
Red Veil dude: History Teacher. During class he makes random Conspiracy theories. Everyone thinks he’s crazy.
How I got the War!
Stalker: Hey, it’s that Nekros again. Looks different. Primed, maybe?
Hunhow: Yeah, he just got here.
Stalker: Wanna show him what’s up?
Hunhow: You gonna win this time?
Stalker, warping into his ship: Oh shut up.
Meanwhile, Nekros Prime, Saryn Prime, Titania, and Inaros are murdering shit on the Moon.
Stalker: Your crimes against Kela De Thaym will not go unpunished…you will not leave this place.
Saryn Prime: Oh great, here comes the cosplayer again.
*Record Scratch*
Stalker: Hang on. Did you just say cosplayer?
Nekros Prime: Are…are you not?
Stalker: No! I’m here to end your worthless Tenno lives!
Inaros: Ok. First off, that was rude.
Titania: Say you’re sorry.
Nekros Prime: You usually kinda fail so we thought you were just joking.
Stalker: That’s it. That tears it. I’m killing you all. Starting with you Nekros. What made you even think I was a cosplayer anyway?
Saryn Prime: The ripoff Excalibur warframe. The lame catchphrase. The stupid looking helmet. The needlessly edgy weapon names.
Stalker: …
Nekros Prime: …
Saryn Prime:…
Inaros:….
Titania:….
Stalker: That’s it. I’m leaving. I’m outta here.
Titania: Wait! Say the thing first.
Stalker: What thing?!
Titania: You know “I am your reckoning” haha
Hunhow: To be fair it’s kinda lame.
Stalker: Oh don’t you start! I asked you if it sounded cool and you were all “Oh yeah sounds great.”, fuck you!
Hunhow: Well it’s not my fault you’re a needlessly edgy jackass!
Saryn Prime: Should we give them a minute?
Inaros: Yeah, I’m a little uncomfortable.
Hunhow: And another thing, how can you not kill level 30s, huh?
Stalker: Well, I’d slash them a little quicker if you weren’t so heavy.
Hunhow: *gasp*
Saryn Prime and Titania: Oooooooooh.
Hunhow: Take it back.
Stalker: I’m sorry, what?
Hunhow: Take it back right now!
Stalker: Nope.
Hunhow: …
Hunhow: Do the Tenno know about your little Lotus crush?
Stalker: *gasp* You swore!
Nekros Prime: Hey, that’s my mom you creepy fuck!
Hunhow: Oh you should hear the poetry on this guy. “Oh how her voice is so delightful” “Her mask the perfect shade of blue”, it’s hilarious.
Stalker: Grrrrr I’m outta here!
*Stabs War into the ground*
Hunhow: You can’t live without me!
Stalker: At least Hate doesn’t talk about the soap operas no one cares about.
Hunhow: How dare you?! Raul is a slut and that is important.
*Stalker vanishes in his smoke…thing*
Nekros Prime: Welp…I’m taking it.
Hunhow: Hey! Put me down!
Nekros Prime: Don’t worry. You’re going to Ash Prime. I have Galatine Prime anyways.
This my bodyguard. I call him Bones. Bones likes to break bones…and kill people…and then bring them back from the dead to work under him. He’s not exactly the most stable candidate for bodyguard but I’m in too deep now so fuck it.
Aw hell naw
Know your place!
Nidus: Aha! Maggots here! Death there! Murder everywhere! Ahahahaha!
Nidus: Come at me huh? Well face my zombie octopus!
Nidus: Aha! I am the ultimate zombie king!
Nekros: The fuck you say, bitch?!
Nidus, furiously sweating: Oh hey! Uhhhh I said ultimate INFESTED king obviously.
Nekros: That’s what I thought.
*soul punches Nidus and walks off*
Nidus: Ow, what a dick!
Inaros: You think that’s bad? When he found out I could make sand minions he sent a soul squadron to kick it’s ass and so they did.
10 things I've said as Nidus that most people probably haven't
1. AAAAH GIANT ANUS SQUID! Oh. Phew. It’s just my larva.
2. Stand in my blood grass!
3. Hey Chroma! Let’s touch chest boners.
4. Can I fuck Ancients now?
5. GO MY BUTT SQUID!!
6. AAAH! WHAT?! UNDYING! WHY?! HOW?! Oh I’m alive. Thank the merciful.
7. You know who Nidus reminds me of? Gilbert Godfrey.
8. Wait, hold on. I can put a cyst on people’s neck and that’s like putting life on someone. That’s basically impregnation. Bruh, I’m the pimp frame!!
9. Nidus seems like a highway to hell kinda guy. Not Kiss just that particular song.
10. I’d smoke weed with Lephantis.
