Solunaris Flo SYSTEM

This is my safe space to unlearn and learn after a lifetime of trauma and pain. I deserve support and kindness as I walk through the horrors and try to take me back from them. Please do not reblog journaling posts. A human being having a unique experience. Flow with us if you please. - Flo System

[unabashedly-faulty]

To see me would be to walk into a forest with moonlight peeking through the branches.

Seeing shadows dip behind tree husks.

Hearing whispers of laughter and whimpers.

Feeling the hairs on the back of your neck rise while feeling warmth on your skin you’ve never known.

To see me is to be constantly faced with yourself, your self hate.

To radically take up arms in love for yourself.

To wield the sword of passionate self revolution.

To see me is to love yourself in a way you never thought of before.

To be the bringer of sun upon your life. To shed light on every crevice of yourself and see your shadows for what they truly are… innocence defiled.

Justice denied. Pain with nowhere to go. Bouncing between night and day. Begging for relief.

To see me is to die daily and be reborn nightly.

A forest neverending.

[unabashedly-faulty]

We ended up switching roles in our journey. She went from asexual aromantic to actually wanting romance and to have sex and be intimate. I went from wanting a partner and to indulge in sexual intercourse and intimacy to not wanting it at all. Is this what they call destiny swap. lol. The new year started and we shifted. What the heck. Now when I’m sex repulsed. I see it and it makes my nervous system uncomfortable. But I’ve have instances with this with my system every year. This is the longest it’s been present. Usually I fluctuate but then I also think about survivability and how my body is intelligent to nature so it’s probably like sex is dangerous because the people I want to have sex with are my natural predator. Hmm. Maybe in a new environment that will change. I hope so. Maybe this is the year for the parts that aren’t cis. Maybe having an anchor was what even made us into sex in the first place. Being around a partner. If we had developed outside of one then we probably wouldn’t want to be touched. I don’t want to be repulsed. Uncomfortable is manageable but repulsed has a grander physical reaction. Almost like terror.

Trauma. I’m no longer fighting my organic matter. I will use that energy to pour into my needs and wants. And that is probably where the sensuality of myself I miss will blossom.

Trying to live this life with as much joy as I can find. Create. I’ve come a long way. I’m so proud of me.

[unabashedly-faulty]

Barfing in my mouth remembering the way my mother sounded while manipulating me. Eerie. I’m actually glad my body and my face speaks for itself. I cannot fake act like I am loving. It makes me sick to my stomach to watch the people I share blood with behave in such a manner. Who taught you this? What horrors have you endured? It’s like I can see who they are in different parts of their brain. Their trauma self or shadow and their daily part or “light”. Loving from a distance is tempering my response and removing myself.

[unabashedly-faulty]

The last time I was in this courthouse I could barely function. Reminding my selves that we’ve beaten that and we will beat this. Mirror neurons theory heavy. Intrinsically I am grounded, my dissociative parts are a bit anxious and having flashbacks and such. It is a compounding interest loan of trauma. I am much stronger than I was when facing these two men. Two different situations. But the environment mushes them together now. Interesting how that works. Loops connecting at some point in time. I used to do cosplay to motivate myself and feel stronger, embodying my fav characters. Nubia. Wonder Woman. I’ve been in and out of court rooms and administrative legal proceedings since 2015. Damn. We did it terrified. Literally shaking in our skin. Our nervous system is much more relaxed and aged. Our internal resolve is much more defined. We know who we are in a way we did not before. That matters. Take the next right step and continue.

What you feel is just a part of the process that is you and your neurological make up. It isn’t indicative of any bad outcome. Whatever happens we will navigate it together. There’s a solution for everything. Even if we have to create one. It’s going to be okay. We have our coping list ready to pack. We have a trusted friend driving and wheeling us around. Even going into the court room with us. We’re not alone. Just breathe. You’re your kiddos best advocate. You’re doing what’s best for him and his development. So he has a place to put the anger that is outside of himself and outside of me. A lot of people don’t like when courts get involved with kids, but in my case it is the only route available to keep my kiddo safe. When he asks why his father does not see him or call him he will not blame himself. He will put that blame where it belongs. Court ordered visitation being ignored is the anchor for that anger. When my son asks why I give him proof. Facts. Then let him draw his own conclusions. I don’t have to do anything, he’s capable of thinking and observing. Drawing conclusions. We deserve to move on with our lives without having to track someone down. That’s the downside I suppose. But there’re always a way to hold someone accountable and meet the needs that promote peace. When you have a child in the military and you’re married you both have equal rights to the child. Filing for custody was necessary so I wouldn’t be charged with kidnapping when I got stationed to another state and my ex decided he was done. Nothing was going to stop me from being in my child’s life. Nothing. Now nothing will stop me from obtaining accountability on his behalf. Our right to move out of this country and start over. Feel safe for once. And if that isn’t granted then his obligations atleast gotta get enforced.

[unabashedly-faulty]

I am so excited. MRI results are back and I might not have endometriosis but at the same time I have fibroids they’ll try to get out and the cysts in my ovaries. We shall see when they’re inside what’s 100 percent true. If that’s the case then I’m looking forward to recovery even more. Physical therapy with my health aid support until I’m strong enough. This is the time to focus more on myself. My kiddo is good. He has his Therpaist. And me and he can call and talk to his friends and we will be going outside more.

[unabashedly-faulty]

My kiddo wants me to have a IVF baby. He said it doesn’t have to have a dad. I’m still stuck on that. He wants the baby to have my dna and dna similar to his so he doesn’t have to fight people if they make fun of the baby because it’s white. 🥲. He wants a brown baby. He’s worried about his sibling being bullied if they’re light skinned or different. Our children suffer for our cowardice. I don’t even know why he thought I was gonna have a white baby. 😭. My mahogany gum drop is all I want. One little babygirl.

That boy is out of his mind though. We’re definitely adopting. I’m gon figure this out with my health and find a way through this. Today’s kids are in solitary confinement with no me to talk to because one and done was the smartest thing a single mom could do. Much less disabled single moms. Like. He’s gonna have to be an adult big brother. I got money moves to make so I can hire a house manager/nanny before any of that.

I plan on sitting and loving on a child someone could not care for without the worry of household tasks. Some women love it and have the body to do it, great. Remember everything you do is putting wear and tear on your body. Your knees. Your hips. Shoulders. Once menopause hits bone density starts dropping and things get a bit harder to navigate. Be sure the people around you are gonna take care of you when you can’t do things. Heck to love the mother, the one that births children is to help her from the moment you can around the house.

[unabashedly-faulty]

It’s wild missing out on American culture because of child abuse. Yet also being within it because of child abuse. Lmaooo. Nothing is real and everything is real at the same time.

[unabashedly-faulty]

It makes a lot of sense why my mom never came to visit me often.

Outside of not knowing my whereabouts.

Before I left her house she told me two women can’t live in here. So I left. She’d realized I was stronger than her. In will. In passion. I did not realize it. I’m glad I left.

[unabashedly-faulty]

I remember the moment my mom told on herself.

She claimed nothing happened to me only to my sister after claiming she did not know anything was happening.

When my son is old enough he will know the truth so he understands how dangerous it is to be around people like that even if you share blood. I can’t leave this earth knowing these devils can manipulate my son’s mind.

[prowilloeevee]

You’re still plural, even if your headmates haven’t talked in a while

You’re still plural, even if you have to mask it a lot

You’re still plural, even if having someone else front takes concentration and/or energy

You’re still plural, even if you’re frontstuck

You’re still plural :]

[unabashedly-faulty]

Once I understood shame, I saw how much it is the root of everything.

The English language is truly something else. Its energy mark is disruptive. Down to the words itself. Very oppressive in expression. Les fluid and flexible. More rigid. But it can be made beautiful. Depending on who’s the wielder.

Seek that which removes shame. That which fosters change

[unabashedly-faulty]

So that’s why him and my mother were alike. They both kept telling me what I could and could t do. “You can’t think like that” when I’m just being angry at rape or holding someone accountable. Gettin upset at injustice. Damn. She really was my opp this whole time.

Lmaoooo

[unabashedly-faulty]

I know for a fact I’m not just autistic, dissociative etc. I am something else outside of a system. Outside of my nervous system. Like if I wasn’t a system, what I was going to be wouldn’t be anything like another system in my position. There’s something else. I keep expecting other systems to relate to what it is I have experienced and I haven’t met one yet. Interesting nevertheless.

Just a feeling.

[queertasm]

[unabashedly-faulty]

Also wanting something to happen to you is proof something did. You were neglected so of course you’ll have a wound that requires attention. You’ve never gotten it. Love. Care. But the difference this time is that we understand where we end and where everyone else begins. We also know that money talks. We also fought for access to the services that we would need when our body did start deteriorating. We did that shit while suffering through hell and being under a fuckmans thumb. We have the heal aids and the hours we need. We are transitioning out of the VA. We’re gonna buy our wheelchair because stressing ourselves out to get it for free is not on our cards. Fuck these nighas. We do not have to deal with the VA ever again. Well once a year but nothing close to what we have had to.

We’re close no things out for the new life awaiting us. We’re going to be fine.

[unabashedly-faulty]

Lmaooo. Who gets excited for something traumatic???

It’s not that. It’s that when we were younger we always wanted something to make people feel bad about us enough to show us attention and love. And now look. We have the thing but no one to show us attention and love.

We always knew something would go wrong with our health. I’m just thankful it isn’t worse.

Someone just said finally maybe it’ll make us transsss. Lmaooo that’s not how this works. At least I don’t think. Either way. I’m alluring on all spectrums of presentation.

Our son will love whoever it is we decide to become. Whatever makes us feel whole when we wake up in the morning. Let go. Let go. You do not have to look any way for people to take you seriously. No one’s gonna question your mental health. That’s the internalized ableism the system implants inside you. Fuck these bitches bro. Be who tf you are. You’re a rainbow. OWN THAT SHIT.

[unabashedly-faulty]

I was a thing to study more than a friend. Conscious or not.