It’s been (eighty)four years...
...since my last tumblr login! Hi. I’m still alive! You probably don’t follow me anymore and that’s okay :)
Four years ago, I got married. That was awesome (and remains awesome). I was looking for jobs and was part of a church plant and had big dreams.
Some time after that, the church plant failed. It failed because a few of us had started to actually dream about the kind of church we could start, one that was affirming and accepting of everyone and wasn’t about The Show. Others wanted to simply get into a building and not make waves. Things came to a head and we disbanded. (Plus some other drama that was stupid and not worth going into detail about.)
I bounced around, hoping for some job, any job, that would take me, because I felt like crap now that my dream was dead and I was that one that killed it! I ended up becoming a substitute teacher -- which was actually the best thing that could have happened and I’m still doing that and loving every second of it -- but felt like a failure, as I could easily have gotten the same job without spending all that extra time and money on a master’s degree. But I digress.
I dealt with some guilt about the church thing for a long, long time. Not only was it my dream that I felt that I’d killed, but it was my husband’s dream and affected a bunch of other people’s lives. The guilt still crops up every so often on a Sunday morning, when I realize we don’t have a church, let alone much of a community anymore. I couldn’t sing for a couple years (I’m relearning). I don’t know what I believe anymore, except that there is a god somewhere out there and Jesus has something to do with all of it, and we should probably just err on the side of kindness instead of shouting people down.
But it wasn’t all bad. I learned a lot about myself (cliche, I know, but true). I spent a little more of my time with family when normally I would be doing church things. I opened up my worldview and came to understand that nothing is really so small as it seems. I’m still a bit anxious though -- not about the rapture anymore, but school shootings. So that’s fun!
I run into people from time to time who ask about The Church Split(TM) and hope to hear some good gossip. It’s super awkward. But it’s gotten better. We made peace with the people involved who matter. I barely think about it anymore. But I do miss that life sometimes. I left behind some good people. But it’s okay. It’s all for the best.
We have a cat now. Her name is Eliza and she’s perfect.
stormborns
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