I lost my brother, but I gained a family
I honestly was trying so hard not to make today a big deal. All week I’ve convinced myself that the tears that spring to my eyes whenever I’m happy or the choking sensation I have when I see the colour yellow or hear the name David (which should be outlawed for being so popular, by the way) is probably just allergies or something else that isn’t caused by pent up emotion. But you know that feeling when there are sentences swirling around in your head, and you’re like well if I don’t put these somewhere then maybe my brain will keep expanding until it just explodes? Thats how I feel right now. So I have decided in the grand fashion of all pseudo-intellectual millennials to blog my feelings.
Five years ago on this very day, just before midday, something really bad happened to my family. We lost our only brother/son/grandson/the precarious gender balance in my household. I’m a big hazy on the details because I don’t know if I ate, slept or showered for four days as I prayed to a God that I didn’t believe in back then to save my brother. To SPARE HIM. Which God didn’t. Instead, He first called Him home to Heaven and then revealed Himself to myself and my two sisters so that one day we, along with all other believers will go home too.
I’m writing this for three reasons - to reflect and clear my head, because I’m really glad that I gained a family in Christ even though I lost my earthly brother for a little while and because losing David is like that feeling when Shapes changed its pizza flavour - something felt and tasted different and it was foreign and gross and I didn’t like it (really no-one did) but you couldn’t really pinpoint what was different, and as time went on, it was easier to forget the old flavour than cling to it desperately knowing it will never come back and now its hard to remember life from before - but writing this makes it easier to remember and to move on, because honestly, I know now I cannot pretend it didn’t happen or that I am fine and healed. It did and I need to face that head on (something I have tried not to do for five years now).
But I am getting ahead of myself. So, in honour of the 5 year anniversary of David’s passing into New Life, and because I’m this weird mix of long gone vague writing ability blended with science logic and law order and the laid back Type B personality that sprung into my life about a year ago, I am going to write a blog with a lot of fives in it. The five sucky things about losing a loved one. The five awesome things about having my brother, as a brother and finally five things that I have learned since he died. So prepare yourself, fifteen brain explosions from yours truly.
The Five Sucky things about losing a loved one
This is David. And I know you’re probably too polite to ask, or not curious enough to care but he died at the age of 17 years, 10 months and 17 days. He died because he had a genetic condition called CDG Type 1a which messed with his brain and his liver and his blood and so many other things. He had cerebellum syndrome (his cerebellum didn’t develop properly, so he had intellectual problems, fine motor skill problems and had to learn how to do just about all the things we take for granted like climbing stairs from scratch). One day, a blood clot formed in the central vein in his brain and if you picture it like a blocked up pipe,nothing could leave - no blood coming out, and a steady back up preventing blood coming in = no oxygen. No oxygen in your brain = brain shuts down. Brain shuts down = you leave this world. We tried the anti-coags and the blood thinners and just about everything, but no, nothing worked.
1. No-one ever tells you that the hardest part isn’t remembering them every day, but struggling not to forget them.
It sounds weird to type it out loud, but it is true. At first I thought I would be haunted day by day by day with everything, literally everything reminding me of my brother, which was true. But its been 5 years now and I have to fight tooth and nail to cling to the precious little things that made David, David. I have to close my eyes and concentrate to remember every small detail about his face. I have to cover my ears and drown out all noise to remember his distinctive laugh. I have to be told when I’m doing some mannerism that is “just so David of me” like the way I mock people or act silly. You would think that your body would just compensate with the loss of a loved one by clinging so tightly to them that you don’t know where they end and you start, but actually its felt a lot like my body went the other way and put him inside a little box and buried it so deeply into a hidden recess of my brain that I know its there, honestly I do, but I don’t have a map to reach it.
2. EVERYTHING is a stimulus to remind you of loss
Colours that meant nothing will be a painful sting to you. Songs that were once so tender and brought so much joy will bring an ache to your heart that you can’t silence. You will chuckle and things they would have chuckled at before frowning and checking yourself, because hey, its not okay to laugh anymore because you loved someone and then they died and its never going to be okay to be happy again. You’ll search and search the world for some hidden sign that they are still there or that they’re some how communicating with you, when you know thats probably not true, and besides if you’re a Christian, like I am, then thoughts like that just make you feel conflicted because you know what the Bible says, and you truly believe it, but somehow your sinfulness makes you want to ignore it and make up your own happy ending. This throws you into an even deeper cycle of confusion and a desperation to talk to God and ask Him to help you sort out your own muddled thoughts.
3. There will be times when you feel less than cordial toward God
I gave my life to Jesus on 22 December 2011. Before then, I wasn’t exactly God’s “biggest fan”, I faked it for a couple of years, gave up for a couple of months and spent the vast majority of my life in apathy toward him. But let me tell you, in the months between August and December, I hated God. I really truly honestly hated Him and I think we can all understand the why of hating God. What’s harder to understand in the why not of hating God. Most of the time now I live in the why not of hating God, when I remember his love and mercy and kindness. But sometimes I do get frustrated that this happened, and that He is in control and could have stopped it (but for sin, but for his plan, but for a lot of things that I would l o v e to chat to you about) but that it wasn’t stopped.
In retrospect, you might (and I pray you will) find reasons to realise why God let things happen the way they do, but in the present, don’t be surprised if you curl up your little fist and wave it at the sky (no matter what you believe). And in those moments, acknowledge your emotion, acknowledge your frustration with God and then combat it with the truth you know from the Bible. Please, please please try your very hardest to reconcile the two, because I promise, they do reconcile, it just takes a bit of time to work through it.
4. You can naaaaaaaht trust your emotions
Your brain will scream the truth at you. I know that not everyone can relate to this, but my brother was a Christian, and so am I, so the truth my brain screams and screams to no end is that He is with CHRIST which is just like the actual best thing ever, but somehow my pesky feelings won’t listen to my head and so I feel happy in my thoughts, but miserable and empty in my feelings.
I think I’ve alluded to this, but your feelings betray you. They try and tell you you don’t deserve to be happy, that you’ll never be happy again. They try and trick you into being distrustful and they react in the weirdest ways. Sometimes you’ll laugh or cry or be confused or be empty and it will have nothing to do with the situation and everything to do with the fact that once upon a time, maybe yesterday, maybe years ago, you lost a really significant part of your life and that changes you forever.
5. No-one will ever “get it”
Even the exact people that suffered the exact same loss you did at the exact same time won’t get it. Even the people closest to you that love you the most and support you and carry your burden won’t get it. Even the people that have experienced similar tragedies, or look to you for support when they go through sucky stuff won’t get it. No human will ever just understand what you’re feeling. And thats because everyone is different. Which is fine, except when you just want someone to relate to in a way that doesn’t make you feel like you’re burdening them or that you’re miscommunicating things or that you need to be there for them instead. And on some level thats okay you know, because you I shouldn’t expect to get it for someone else anymore than I can expect that they will for me. And when I say I get it to someone, its a poor choice of words because I know I don’t but I’m just at a loss to say anything else. BUT thats not helpful when thats all we want - someone that doesn’t have to sympathise, or empathise or imagine but just felt things the same way we do and understands our reactions now and our thoughts so that we never have to say them out loud.
The cool thing about this is that, God does get it in fact. He feels everything you do and He totally gets it. And the cool thing about GOD getting it is that He won’t try and find the perfect combination of words to fix you, and He won’t be silent and immovable and unsure how to proceed and he won’t be so keen to prove that He gets it that somewhere along the line, He makes it about Him instead. He just feels what you do and carries that. He lifts you and lightens you until you feel like you’re crawling instead of lying on the ground pushing yourself along under a ton of bricks. And you can feel the hope that maybe one day, you’ll be walking or running.
I mean there’s probably tons more stuff I could say, and no doubt maybe not all of this will resonate with you. But this has been my experienced, and losing a brother is one of the worst feelings you can have. Please, for your sake (and for mine) don’t try and imagine it. It won’t come close to what you picture. Its worse. I tried for those four days to think what it would be like when the machines stopped beeping and my brother’s chest stopped inflating with oxygen artificially, but nothing could have prepared me for the numb, crippling, soul-ripping-apart, tumult that ensued. Don’t try. Trust me.
Five awesome things about having David Selvaraj as a brother
I won’t bore you with a recount of what it was like in the Hospital, or with his whole life story, but I can if you want. This is David as a kid and oh my word is he not a true delight.
1. He was ambidextrous
I’m not really sure why thats the first thing that springs to mind but it is, and I always thought that was cool. I’m left handed and my family is right handed and I feel like his ability to use both hands equally is like a bridge between me and my family. I know it doesn’t make sense, but he helped me to feel more like I fit in.
2. He made me feel like a good big sister a lot of the time
I know that it sounds super selfish, but David made me proud and happy to be a sister. You know that feeling you get when your siblings are really young and they need your help to do simple things like make lunch or when they’re a bit older and you do things they need like drive them places and when you help they look at you like you are the best person ever, with a mix of awe in your ability and gratitude in having someone like you and then you feel like yes this is what I was made for. To be related to this unique and special person and to protect them and look after them and you feel so driven and full of purpose. He made me feel like that always, intentionally in letting me help, and unitentionally in actually needing my help, Without him, its like I’ve lost some purpose and I don’t really know what the heck I’m doing. Thankfully my identity is now in Christ, but every now and then I miss that tangible feeling of usefulness that only David gave me.
3. He let me and my sisters indulge in a secret nerdiness and kept us united
David loved things like playstation One games and DS games and pokemon and dragon ball Z and Crash Bandicoot and Spyro the Dragon and Donkey Kong and Super Smash bros and he liked us sharing that with him. It felt like we had this secret unity in these super lame things and I liked that a lot.
David loved it when we did things as 4 siblings - 2 v 2 games, 1 v 3 games, 1 v 1 v 1 v 1 games, story telling and make believe, special nicknames and secret worlds. Playing with stuffed animals even though we were too old for them, secretly wishing we could have all slept in one big room instead of having separate rooms (or semi-separate). He was this beautiful thread because his love was so big and he kept my sisters and I close together. And in this beautiful way he still does. We don’t fight as much and we talk about deep things like our faith and boys and how to deal with parents and tease each other because we now understand the significance of our relationships and the privilege of having each other.
4. He achieved
Little things like learning to roll his eyes. Big things like learning to read. Impressive things like overcoming bullying. Admirable things like forgiving people and apologising and working on his anger issues. Special things like making friends. He just set his mind to stuff, and then he did it. He worked hard at speech and physical therapy, he embraced computing at school so much so that he was even in the main stream classes for it and he was so unbelievably smart that he hacked into a computer when he was a kid.
5. He had the best imagination ever
David could tell you stories for hours, or draw things and he loved to write and combine different fandoms to make mega stories and it was so great. I didn’t listen to him enough and I hate it every day that I didn’t make more time for him but from what I did hear and see, he could have given JK Rowling a run for her money, put Pablo Picasso to shame and maybe have developed an app to make us all rich (not that I’m biased or anything) which is pretty cool for a guy that battled so many odds to even be alive and thriving.
Five things I have learned since I lost my brother
Family is a super special thing. I’m really sorry to anyone that doesn’t have a family and wants one, or does have one but its not a good one. Honestly, I named this post after family for this reason - its really special but it doesn’t just mean your blood relatives. When I lost David I was hurt and I never thought i could trust a community of people to care for me because everyone felt so fake and like they just wanted to gossip or sound caring so they would send me messages to appear compassionate but it was all empty. But this miraculous thing happened and I met Jesus. And then I did gain a community I could trust. Theres plenty of passages in the Scripture that demonstrate this point but honestly, its a felt thing too. A group of people united by their faith that are so close that you can actually trust them to be there for you and to support you and to call you out when you’re being an idiot and to confront you and love you and want whats best for you. That is family too. I lost my a physical brother related by blood (and I later learned a spiritual brother too since David knew and professed Jesus as Lord and Saviour) but in this, God eventually adopted me and gave me a whole bunch of spiritual brothers and sisters too.
1. Sort yourself out with Jesus
Classic Maree, Bible-bashing again. But seriously. Jesus is real and the bible is true and I have done a lot to investigate these claims myself and I did come to this honest conclusion: People rebelled against their loving creator, and so could not exist with him for all eternity and had to suffer death but God loved us so much that he came down to earth in the form of Jesus to fix the problem - He lived the unrebellious life we couldn’t live, and so did not deserve death. However, He willingly died and in doing so His death could be counted as a sacrifice for anyone that admits that they have rebelled and will never earn their place in Heaven (eternal life) by their own deeds. Then He rose from the dead to prove that He was in fact God, and more powerful than death. Death has been defeated and so we can choose how we will spend our eternal existence - in life with God or in death without him.
Death is a constant, its guaranteed. Its unbeatable alone. So sort yourself out with Jesus so that when Death comes, you won’t be afraid, but you will be confident of future hope and glory. That way you can look death in the eye and scoff because Jesus won and its not a scary constant that you live in fear of.
2. Sort yourself out with your mates and your family
Guys, life is so short. Don’t let little things ruin good relationships. I’m not saying to be besties with everyone or to be a doormat, but I’m saying would it be so bad to swallow your pride every once in a while so that you never leave things badly? Would it be so bad to grit your teeth a little harder and apologise or love or forgive just so that you will never be like your old mate Maree who stays up and night and runs through all the bad conversations she had with her brother, all the nasty things she said, all the times she missed the opportunity to tell him she loved him so much and was so honoured to be his sister because of arrogance or pride or selfishness and then has to beat it down with the knowledge of who Jesus is and what that means for everything she has done and will do?
3. Prioritise the right things
Make sure you know what counts. I have realised that God counts the most and everything else counts both more and less because of Him. Things count more because you can bring glory to God in the way you care for others, and study and work and spend your time and your money. But things also count less because none of these things can affect where you stand with God, or who you are as a Child of Him. You are liberated to make the most of everything, to enjoy it and to delight in it without fear that this is the sum total of who you are,without fear that that success means you are a success, instead of a person who succeeds and failure means that you are a failure, as opposed to someone that failed in something. You have solid ground to stand on that lets you face the world bravely, but not alone because God is with you, going before you, and alongside you.
4. Fight the guilt
When someone dies, guilt eats you up. All the unspoken words, broken plans, bad memories, nasty words, unanswered questions, and regret in not doing things a certain way swirl together and make you feel like a pool of disgusting inhumanness. Untrue. You can feel sad that things didn’t go a certain way, but remember that how ever things turn out, your actions are things you do, not who you are. This means you can always change your actions. Fight the feeling of guilt that force you to dwell on the past and instead embrace the future and make a conscious effort to do the things that reflect who you actually are, and I especially hope that you will find one day that who you are, who you were made to be is a child of God that loves Him and wants to bring Him glory in everything you do.
5. Its okay to be happy (and its also okay not to be happy)
No-one gets to define how long you mourn for, or how you mourn. So be sad whenever you want. Let it eat you up for a while, face it because when you face your feelings, you can understand them, grow from them and move forward.
Ignoring them does no-one good.
But also, you being happy now without your loved one around, isn’t you nullifying the loss you feel, or rejecting the joy you had with them. Its okay to feel happy without them, not because they’d want you to be happy, or because you deserve to be happy but because emotion is a reaction to what is happening to us in that moment so you can feel lots of emotions as want because you’re reacting to something. I’m not sure if that made sense, but what I’m trying to say is that when a person dies, they don’t take all the happiness of the world with them, even if it feels that way sometimes. Happiness, or dare I say, joy and delight, are good gifts from God that exist as a way to enjoy a moment, and moments can still be enjoyable without your loved one. Don’t feel bad for enjoying the world - it was created for us to enjoy it and care for it.
15 things that have given me great therapy and helped me to reflect. Hey, I don’t know who you are reading this sentence, or why you made it this far or what you’re thinking now but if you feel like asking any questions, you can. I love chatting. And also, thank you for listening. And if no-one is reading this, then thank goodness because I bet its riddled with spelling errors, poor grammar and tense changes, illogical thoughts, half formed ideas, huge generalisations and of course a tendency to think I know whats up when really I have no clue.
Also, for anyone reading this, I won’t do you the injustice of pretending my experiences or insights are true for everyone. This all just based on what I have felt and thought, and I am sorry if I have offended you in any way.
