"Things my Mom has yelled at me" Starters
"Shut up and help me burn this."
"I'm heading back inside before the police are called."
"Since when do you have Daddy issues??"
"I wish you would let me post the things you say on Facebook."
"You occasionally act like my daughter."
"YOUR FATHER IS FLIRTING WITH WHORES AT THE DOLLAR GENERAL! IN THE CANDY AISLE! THATS WORSE!!"
"I'll buy a bird to mimic my speech so that way when I die I can still say I told you so."
"Ducks can't go snow skiing!"
"I am not responsible for what I teach children I have not birthed."
"Your dad is, unfortunately, straight."
"You can say 'damn' around me, you're not ten."
"Turn off the light and sit in the dark!"
"Don't tell them we bought fireworks outta state."
"You can't just blame the heterosexuals for everything."
"I had a life before I had children ya know."
"And my ass is made of chicken!"
"Is this a date? You only use curling irons on dates."
"My side of the family just happens to be INSANE!"
"You're only as old as you feel but dumbass is in the DNA."
"No offense but you're full of shit."
"Calm down, it's fictional."
"Pretend to be sick so we can go home."
"I will eat Mr. Krabs and you can't stop me."
"Stop saying things I would say!"
"I'm an adult. I'm allowed to lie!"
"What? Did I raise a cop?"
"Do you never trim your toenails?"
"White people age like bananas."
"Why do you always buy the ice cream that I don't like?"
"You can chug apple juice, but you're grounded if I see you chugging milk."
"I don't know what you're doing but it's NOT SLEEPING."
"I can tolerate the sword, but I draw the line at a gun."
"Good thing I won't believe in God otherwise I would have been stricken down by him several times."
"I'm too drunk to argue."
"Are you intentionally trying to confuse me?"