One Of Them There Fags

Eivor. 25. Trans guy. He/him.

[under-the-willows-love]

Figured my identity out a little more. I’m definitely a man—just fruity as hell. I’m also gay as fuck.

I think the reason I didn’t figure my stuff out for so long is bc not only did I have my own fear of men to work through, but, the whole “i hate men,” shit did NOT help. In my mind, why would I want to be something everyone supposedly hates?

Ngl, the “quirky” misandry shit is damaging and harmful to trans people in general. Even with jokes. It only hammers home that being a certain gender or role is shit and everyone will hate you for it. It literally prevented me from exploring my identity for YEARS—how is that helpful in ANY way? Now I have to spend time feeling like I’m playing catch up on my own manhood.

The key to peace is not fucking hatred. You can get upset and be critical, but full on hating or pretending to hate something or someone is incredibly damaging to the whole.

Some people really need to get that through their skull. And no, this isn’t specific—i just see a LOT of people in the community shit all over men for just… existing. I also don’t believe we need to center men or anything like that; I just believe it would be more helpful to have open conversations instead of bashing people constantly.

[under-the-willows-love]

Pretty sure i’m a guy of some kind. Idk. I’m still getting used to being viewed as a man—but I admit it feels far more natural to me.

Tbh tho, idk about labels in general. My sexuality is remaining unlabeled and will forever be—idgaf about fitting in a box that makes sense to others. I love and fuck who I want to, and that’s that. I dress and act the way that feels natural to me, and that’s that.

I have nothing to give anyone really, right now. I wish everyone the best life.

[under-the-willows-love]

Actually idk if i really feel anything rn

[under-the-willows-love]

Everything is topsy turvy in my life, i feel lost, i also am questioning my gender and sexuality, i don’t know what i want or need and i just.

I can’t do much of anything anymore. I’m so tired. I’m exhausted. I just. I wanted things to be one way and then. Now i’m just. Defeated. That’s the big feeling. Defeat. Defeated and deflated.

[under-the-willows-love]

i’m alive

[under-the-willows-love]

gonna try to stop sad posting as much. i am noticing i do it when i am going through particularly stressful moments and feel like i have no one to lean on. i will just journal instead.

i feel like i’m an asshole for doing it.

[under-the-willows-love]

i’m alive

[under-the-willows-love]

I feel like crap. Not really hungry but I’m on break and probably should eat. Can’t wait to go home and rot

[under-the-willows-love]

Yeah no it’s not just feeling shitty i feel really fucking depressed and upset about everything that’s happened in the past three weeks and what’s happening now and i just want to fucking be happy and i was and then my hopes feel like they were crushed and now idk. I don’t fucking know.

I feel like i’m suffering from whiplash and i’m about to meltdown

[under-the-willows-love]

I feel like crap. Not really hungry but I’m on break and probably should eat. Can’t wait to go home and rot

[under-the-willows-love]

Running on 4 hrs of sleep and pain let’s go

[under-the-willows-love]

Fucking whatever. Life can suck a dick.

[under-the-willows-love]

Nevermind i’m just gonna rot in bed for the rest of the night.

I’m feeling a lot of things and i fucking hate it. I’m trying to not think about it but obviously it ain’t working.

[under-the-willows-love]

Nevermind i’m just gonna rot in bed for the rest of the night.

I’m feeling a lot of things and i fucking hate it. I’m trying to not think about it but obviously it ain’t working.

[under-the-willows-love]

Day took a downhill turn a bit, i feel. I feel sad i think? Idk but i’m thinking about some stuff and i just. It feels. Off

[under-the-willows-love]

Pondering my gender and sexuality today apparently

I’m gonna have to write a whole dissertation i feel in order to figure it out lmao. All I know is that I feel dichotomous (heh, dyke-otomous) in both gender and sexuality. It’s confusing at times, but i find it freeing to have finally accepted myself and now I can work on getting to know that part of me better :)

[under-the-willows-love]

I’m writing poetry again and i have no idea what i’m doing with it lmao

All I know is that I feel way too big and ig writing helps. I don’t have a style, it’s kind of just all over. Maybe i’ll start a poetry notebook or something and force myself to read it to people (if they wanna listen) so i can get over the perpetual embarrassment of my work that i seem to suffer from

Or maybe i’ll just work on my story telling and keep the poetry as private as possible 😅😅

[under-the-willows-love]

Anti depressant brought libido back and holy shit guys i’m so fucking horny it’s unbelievable rn

[under-the-willows-love]

Holy shit effexor is fucking insane dude

I am in a very good mood, but physically i feel very weird. Like my bones are a shakin’ and i’m a little dizzy, but I also have not eaten much today so that definitely isn’t helping. I just uh. Am struggling with the whole actually eating thing in general due to multiple medications, but I don’t want to give any up bc they seem to be helping significantly in many necessary ways medically. I tried to eat multiple times today and it just did not work. I ended up going home early bc i felt like i was gonna pass out, but my sugars were fine when I got home (type II). Idk how else to describe anything rn bc it’s just… weird. Laying down i’m fine, standing up, i’m not. I feel heavy and frail at the same time lol. Sleepy but awake. Thinking but not.

It’s strange. Hopefully this is just the first day’s adjustment or something. Or maybe i need to eat before the meds. That could probably help maybe. We are alive and thriving tho

(This is me alive and thriving rn)