✝ The Colberts ✝

satirical gameplay of Christian fundamentalists

[underhisplumbob]

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Everything on this blog is 100% satire, i do not in any way agree or endorse these views.

Gen 1: chrono/most recent

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from the simstagram of Dina Colbert @biblicalmotherhood:

Happy Birthday to the babies who made me Mommy! You've made me so much happier than any job or career could 🥰🥰

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from the simstagram of Dina Colbert @biblicalmotherhood

Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours. Some people find it sad celebrating holidays without grandparents and aunts and uncles but we love a small tight knit celebration. Plus with our family growing bigger each year, I doubt we'd be small for long.

comments:

@motherandwifeinchrist: your turkey looks so good, how do you keep it juicy but low fat and low calorie @biblicalmotherhood: reply to @motherandwifeinchrist: thank you and I actually don't. My husband loves it with all the trimmings so us big girls only have a side of veggies with some bites mixed in. @Dinaishot: we missed you at thanksgiving, we'd love for you and your whole family to join us next time. [deleted by original poster]

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Dina : Nina what the hell are you doing here?

Nina: Hey, I'm sorry I ju-

Dina: How did you even find me?

Nina: the lady at your old place gave me your forwarding ad-

Dina: you have to leave. You have to leave before he sees you. You have to leave

Nina: Hey, it's okay. I just wanted to apologise. I swear I didn't know, Dina. You know I would never do that, he was two timing both of us

Dina: Well I don't know you would never do that. I don't know you big sis. Now you need to go before the kids are up.

[Mama... shout from inside]

Nina: kids? you have kids? I'm an auntie?

Dina: leave or I'm calling the police. I swear I will

Nina: Okay, if that's what you want. I love you my teeny Deeny.

Dina [whispering]: I love you too.

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brandienotbroke

the fact that her profile pic is just her son is so telling, poor girls

dont_wake_the_llama

hadley has already begun her sister mom training, she literally looks the same size as the baby she's carrying.

catching-frogs56

*hadleigh

wewantcars2

*haadleighhgh

simulationliving

*ghardhleighleigh

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from the simstagram of Dina Colbert @biblicalmotherhood

I love my girls but God showed me true love by giving me my Huxxy ❤❤ #boymom

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From the simstagram of Dina Colbert@biblicalmotherhood:

Just organised our first women's picnic of the fall and us ladies had such a fantastic time! Snapped the most adorable picture of Hadleigh with @pancakesfamilylovingjesus little boy, can't wait to show it at their wedding 🤣🤣 (p.s poor Hux is so overprotective of his sister, isn't that adorable?)

Comments:

@pancakesfamilylovingjesus: Benedict is always going on about how he wants to marry Hadley, can't wait to be in-laws 😘

@motherhoodandgod: Wow you set everything up by yourself and you're only 6 months postpartum? I wish I had your strength

@biblicalmotherhood: reply to @motherhoodandgod : it's not my strength but my faith in the most High 🙌🏼

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My Birth Story

Hi! I'm Dina or @biblicalmotherhood on insta and I'm new to this group, wish I had found y'all when I was still pregnant. I decided to share my birth story anyway because i won't let them stop me from sharing the goodness of the Lord.

My water broke early in the morning, but with a husband and two rowdy toddlers, I had to ignore my labour pains and get started on our day. I did my typical morning chores but by lunchtime, the pain got worser and worser. luckily my husband had given himself some rare time off so I asked him to babysit so I could retreat to our bedroom to begin labouring.

I wasn't too scared even though my previous pregnancy, the twins, was done in hospital. I had full faith in God. But before I even got up the stairs, I felt a large pressure and heard a voice. God was telling me to push so I did just that.

My husband ran up the stairs in time to catch our newest baby, it was a truly miraculous event and so much less traumatic than all the IVs and machines I was hooked up to with the twins. God made us women to bear children and we are disobeying him by choosing to let science override His wonderfully designed systems.

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Hosanna "Hosie" Marie Colbert ❤

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Our last moments as a family of four, can't believe our beautiful baby will be with us soon!

P.S don't you just love Hux's and Hadleigh's shirts, Hayes always calls Hadleigh a liberal cause she's such a cry baby 🤣🤣 You can get them discounted @clarkes-and-god with my code D1naColbert3

Comments:

@snarkertillidie: wow your husband sounds like a bully poor Hadleigh I'll be rooting for her tell all once she's eighteen @HayesColbert: reply to @snarkertillidie: okay liberal @biblicalmotherhood: 🤣🤣

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Fancy_llama

ngl she seems really stuck up and the church gender reveal is definitely not insta worthy to her

sociallyawkwardtrait

yeh I agree, shame though cause even though they've only been part of the church for a few months you can tell they went all out.

besssterl1ng

omg if you zoom in on this pic you can see Hayes throwing a tantrum, guess it's a girl and he is NOT happy

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Meanwhile behind the scenes...

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Surprise! Baby number three is on his or her way! We're so excited, Hayes is hoping for another boy of course but I just want a healthy baby🤗😊.

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Our twinnies are finally a year old! I can't believe my little babies are so big already, Hux looks like he's about to start preaching with his big boy haircut 🤣🤣.

Raising boy/girl twins just shows me how well suited we are for our Biblical gender roles. Hadleigh is just the sweetest, she loves playing kitchen and helping Mama cook delicious homemade meals for her Daddy and brother. I know she'll be a wonderful help meet soon.

And our Hux is just a roller-coaster 😆. He's constantly getting into everything and of course he doesn't listen to me, only Daddy would do. I know his strong spirit would make him an amazing headship.

We love you Huxton and Hadleigh!

Comments:

@fundienonsense: I have two children, boy and girl and my girl sounds more like your son than daughter, it's just their personalities, nothing to do with "biblical gender roles". Besides your daughter doesn't look happy to be in that kitchen @mrskevinrollof: reply to @fundienonsense: sad that you are raising an effeminate son, that's what you can expect from a liberal 🤣🤣🤣 @mar.tina3: omg their names are r/tragediegh

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from the simstagram of Nina Colbert (@/biblicalmotherhood)

Parents, be mindful of how you raise your children. This evening, I was shocked to see various children marring their God given bodies with the costumes of the devil. I was even more shocked to hear one of them tell me he was a Christian! How can you worship our Lord and the devil 😢. I am forever thankful to be raising my children separate from the world.

Comments:

@/mommyto4boys: I'm a Christian too and I believe in his word, nowhere does it say that halloween celebration is a sin. My children never dress in demonic costumes. @/biblicalmotherhood: reply to @/mommyto4boys praying for Him to open your eyes to HIS true word 🙏🏼🥰

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Day in my life-sahm to nine month old twins 👶🏼👧🏼

I always start off my day with my grooming, your body is God's temple so you should make sure you look your best at all times.

Then I head down to get started on morning chores. I wake up at 5 so I'm usually very tired so I start off with a large mug of coffee with some scoops of smexus™ (join today with my code: "N1naColbert"). You might think it tastes bad but the smexus adds a lovely floral taste and all the good nutrients keep me going 😋🙌🏼.

I wave Hubby off before I go and wake the babies. I like to spend at least three hours outside with them, no need for nasty jabs if you've got God's immunity on your side 🙌🏼. After our long day of playing, I put them to bed just before Hayes gets home, this way we can have our one on one time without crying babies.

Comments:

@/renegadeonmyd: good to see women like you still exist, most girls at my school are whores @/motherandwifeinChrist: reply to (@/renegadeonmyd) what a disgusting thing to say young man! You should guide those girls to the Lord, not insult them. @/fundiedramallama: wait so your husband doesn't spend any time with his children?? Wow

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Hello everyone, it's so nice to see that my ministry is growing 😊😉 so i thought i should do an intro post to get to know all you ladies!

My name is Dina Colbert and my handsome husband is Hayes Colbert, we have two beautiful twin babies: Huxton and Hadleigh and have just moved to Brindleton Bay (if you know any good churches lmk 🙌🏼). Hubby has his own business (something with computers i never understand it 😂😂) and I'm a stay at home mother to our handsome Hux and beautiful Hadleigh.

Hayes and I have been married for almost three years now, we met at a club 😖 while I was at university, Hayes was there hanging out tracts and I had just found out my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me with my own sister ! (the depravity of a worldly life 😢).

Hayes was the perfect gentleman, he stayed with me the entire night and invited me to his church the next day; it was love at first sight. We courted for a few months, Hayes was understandably worried about marrying a worldly woman but I quickly proved my love for the Lord and him. Now we live together, raising our children and any other children He sees fit to bless us with, under His plumbob.