Understanding the Enigma

An indepth (and poorly written) exploration of my mind.

[understandingtheenigma]

It would just be... nice.

Thinking about the feelings of another person is a common practice. At first it seems easy enough to do, but then when you truly understand those feelings, things change. I believe that considering another person's feelings in your decisions in life is important. It's important for many reasons. For one, I think that people who take you into consideration are a "top tier human". They really care about what you think, how you would feel, and how they would react to it.

Unfortunately, the world isn't filled with these "top tier" individuals. I've come to learn that no one in this world is selfless enough to care. They don't care about how you feel, what you are doing in your day, or what choose to do with your life. Even a simple decision to change something in their common day to day practices to make someone happier or see a smile on their face is enough for them to make that simple decision.

I want to talk about social media. In our world, social media is probably the evilest of all evils. It makes us think we need to be, say, think, or do something to be acknowledged in this world. We follow the trends of the world because they are either cool, trendy, or it brings glory to ourselves. It's only when I see people post about things they truly care about (that isn't about themselves) when it makes all the difference. It's nice to see people care and show off the things they love publicly, even if it's just for a day (like all that cheese shit). It's nice when people share their experiences with their families, their friends, and even their significant others, but not for their own personal gain or because they are following a trend, I don't always believe that people post things to make people jealous or to show off... heck I don't even think people who post things are insecure about themselves or what they have. Honestly, when people share their love for something or someone one social media, it shows how much they care even by putting in the most minuscule amount of effort. When people make excuses for these things, it makes me sad sometimes because why not? Are you embarrassed? Are you the one who is insecure?

All I'm saying is that although social media is a place where evil festers, it's also a place to share what you love. And wouldn't it be nice to be shared with other people? To show other people what and who you love? Wouldn't it be nice to express how you feel to someone and have them understand you fully? Wouldn't it be nice to freely be the person you want to be regardless of what other people say? Wouldn't it be nice to feel love and show love to your public audience?

Would it be nice? yes. absolutely...

Dear Person Reading This, I'm not insecure. I'm not embarrassed. But I do follow by example. I do give what I get from others and I won't feel bad for it. If I want to share in my love for you or for something, then I will share it because I WANT to... because I CARE for you. I hope that you can do the same for me.

[understandingtheenigma]

I just want to be Alone. Alone with you, does that make sense?

It’s 2023. And this year is shit. All I want to do is sleep… but I can never get any rest because I am sad. My heart is so heavy with how much I feel like I’ve lost. On New Year’s day, my Tito passed away from a heart attack. It was so sudden and shocked me. At first I didn’t cry or even feel like I needed to. I didn’t think it would affect me as much as it did. I’ve cried almost everyday since New Years thinking about him and everyone he’s touched. It makes me cry thinking about how I can’t even remember the last time I spoke to him or even saw him in person. No matter how hard I think about it, I cannot find it in my memories. It scares me how unreliable my brain is in remembering the little moments with people. It scares me to want to get closer to people… What if i lose them too?

Nothing has made me feel better. Only the daily activities of my life has distracted me enough to keep myself composed in moments like this. Distractions are the only things that have kept me smiling. I started to look forward to these distractions to mask the sadness I feel inside. People ask me why I’m sad… and I can’t say anything except, “well, I just am.” I don’t know how to fix it or who I can even talk to. Nobody listens. Nobody understands. I realized my life is MY life. I am the only person to experience MY life in the way that it has been for the past 27 years. No one will understand me. This thought breeds the loneliness in my mind because how could I ever find someone who UNDERSTANDS? It’s a never ending cycle of sadness and disappointment and the question of “why did i even ask?”

I’m trying to learn to take my emotions and just place them in a spot of my brain and heart where i can just self heal. I’m protecting myself from people who fail to be compassionate, brush off my emotions, and/or question why I’m “like this”. I have to pretend everything’s perfect so no one worries. Maybe this isn’t the right way to go, but this is the only way I’ve found to theoretically work. I tell myself this often and fail everything because apparently my emotions just burst. I like honestly don’t even want to talk to anyone. It’s not making me feel any better honestly. These people don’t understand what I’m feeling so why try? It scares me…

I wish there was another me sometimes. Another me to listen, to learn and to hug.

If you’re reading this, don’t leave me alone even if I push you away. There’s more to it than what I give off. Hug me and tell me everything’s going to be ok… I’m tired of hugging myself.

[understandingtheenigma]

Ps I miss you.

Missing something or someone is a feeling that I see as an extremely intense emotion that is often overlooked as an excuse or as “temporary”. I feel like everyone knows what it’s like to “miss” something, but when you’re experiencing true loneliness, missing something hits a little bit different.

Within the last year I made the decision to move away from everything I’ve ever known to pursue my dreams in my career. I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to move if I didn’t have to… but I was faced with a opportunity that I couldn’t pass up. I took the risk to further my own life but in doing so, I had to sacrifice a lot more than I anticipated.

You know when people say we “took something for granted”? Well that hits a bit different too. The little moments in my life have been taken for granted because as I move forward with mine, those little things become a thing of the past. Little did I know that they may perhaps be the last time I would ever do those things again with those people. Little did I know that that may perhaps be the last time I would ever see those people. It’s moments like the one I’m currently dealing with that makes me realize that I miss those little moments. and that I may never experience them again. Smaller holidays like Easter, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, and birthdays become the ones I have to sacrifice because I just can’t come visit my family or see my friends. I can live vicariously through my friend’s Instagram stories but nothing is ever the same. Sometimes I feel like those moments when I spent time with them, we’re the only things keeping our relationships alive. I don’t get to eat lunches or dinners with my family anymore. I can’t share laughs with my friends. I can’t kiss my boyfriend. I miss the little moments I have with these people.

I feel alone in moments like these because I haven’t any plans for my own. Maybe it’s my own fault, but it’s also because the only people I want to spend these moments with aren’t even near me.

I miss it all. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my dogs. I miss my home.

Dear Person Reading This, pray for those who are lonely and remember that every special moment could potentially be your last. Cherish those moments. Make the last.

[understandingtheenigma]

Me vs The Toaster Oven.

Today I cried because I burnt a piece of toast.

It’s such a small mistake that’s happened countless times throughout my life but yet, I still cried about it. In all honesty, I wasn’t having the best day and burning the last piece of bread at 12am because I just wanted to put something in my stomach was bringing me to a lower point than I already was. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself, but with days like this I couldn’t help but do so. It wasn’t the fact that I burnt my toast. It’s the feeling and consequences I experienced because of it. Burning my toast wasn’t the problem… it’s the fear of being the burnt toast was the problem.

I pride myself in the fact that I moved out of my parent’s house, got a job, and I’m living on my own at 25, but I can’t help but feel moments of insecurity and anxiety of the fact that I am… alone. Being with myself can be nice especially when I’m overwhelmed with the anxieties of the world, but I can’t help but fear the thought of being forgotten. Much of these fears result in things like panic or anxiety attacks and I feel constantly burdened with them. Let’s discuss those…

My panic attacks started when I was about 19(?). I was diagnosed with vertigo and I started getting dizzy spells especially when I would drive. There were moments when I got scared that I was going to crash because I passed out and no one would know. Most times it was when I was driving alone. “I can’t pass out right now because what if i crash and die.” “Oh my god, what if I hit a car?!” etc. It was terrifying because I was afraid that if I died, no one would know. These attacks started working their way to my everyday life especially when I was alone surrounded by people who didn’t know me. These attacks caused me to panic, sweat, get really hot, my heart would beat fast, and I wanted to gasp for more air… luckily overtime I learned how to calm myself down and come back to normal. I’m not sure how they start honestly… I’m not sure if it’s the fear of getting one or if there’s something else triggering it. I tried to observe what goes on in my head before it starts. Recently I noticed that I get thoughts of realizing certain aspects of my life that I can’t control and I start to get in my head a lot. Sometimes everything around me starts to get blurry and my head starts to hurt a little. My heart rate will increase and I start to sweat. The sound around me deafens a little and all I can hear are the thoughts in my head. I start to panic and get antsy, and I think of things I need to do in case I pass out or start preparing to do something that will help me calm down. It’ll happen for a minute or two before I can truly get myself to calm down. After, I feel so relieved that everything is normal again. I hate them and I wish they didn’t happen to me at all. I’m jealous that there are people that never experience them, but I guess we come from different places and have different minds. There’s just somethings in my life I wish I didn’t experience but I have to live with. And I guess it’s going to be like that all my life. Learning to cope with them and become stronger in those aspects is something I will just have to develop overtime.

Dear Person Reading This, feeling like the burnt toast sucks… It may seem confusing on how to help me in this aspect but all I ask is that you choose to be understanding of my feelings and just be there when times like this get tough. I don’t expect you to fix these things about me, but rather just accept me and be my support system. Just don’t forget about me.

[understandingtheenigma]

Giving Up.

There are times I find myself stuck in this train of thought where it seems like “failing” is the best option. I get caught up gaslighting myself with thoughts in my head like “Wouldn’t it be easier if I just let all my hard work go to shit?” “No one even cares or sees my progress anyways, why do I have to keep going?” “All anyone ever sees in me is how much I disappoint them… I’m burdening them, so why keep trying?” Sometimes it’s even like “yeah i’m trying best to change but why does it feel like i can never get it right?” At the end of it all, it honestly seems easier to just GIVE UP.

Well, I’ve done that before. I’ve intentionally gave up on things that I thought I couldn’t fix about my life because it felt like that was the easiest way out… little did i know that giving up led me down a worse path. I’ve mentioned in past posts how I have experienced depression but… I don’t think Ive ever mentioned how I’ve almost gave up on my life. I don’t want you, my reader, to worry because this was a long time ago. I was 14 when I realized that I was sad. I was so protected by the people around me that when I encountered hurtful things and “mean” people, it affected me more than I wish it did. I think by the time I turned 14 I realized how bullied I actually was by literally all my friends and family. I was fooled by so many people thinking that they were someone who would listen to me and would love me unconditionally that I grew to have trust issues with literally anyone that I got close to. Those trust issues turned to a lack of forgiveness that ultimately turned to resentment. Three years passed and I had developed this mindset of “I hate everyone, I have no friends, and no one loves me.” I had a stone cold heart especially when it came to loving others. Don’t get me wrong. I was a “ride or die” friend when it came to the people that mattered the most but in general I wasn’t someone I’m very proud of today. I settled myself into this constant fire of hate and sadness for years. I won’t lie to you, sometimes those thoughts linger in my head reminding me of how easy it would be to just give up everything I worked so hard for. I’m better now at suppressing those feelings because I’ve learned a few things over the years, but it hasn’t completely gone away. I struggle with self-hatred and self-pity too often and I feel as thought it’s gotten worse with age. I always feel like I need to be perfect for those to see any kind of worth inside me and for someone to “want” me. It’s caused me to be insecure in who i am and what i want. My self deprecation has caused me to think ill thoughts of myself that not only hurt myself but hurt those who love me. I don’t have an answer as to why, but I’m working on it.

I wanted to give up during these low points in my life but there was always someone who helped me stand up again. Honestly, if it wasn’t for someone to realize I just needed someone to talk to and express my emotions to, I probably wouldn’t be here today because that person became someone that I never had… someone who would listen to me and love me unconditionally. I never expect them (or anyone) to make it their responsibility to fix me. I know that’s not fair to them because honestly I don’t think it’s even possible to do so. The last thing I want to be is a burden to those around me so never will I ever expect them to fix my problems. All I want are those two things: for them to listen to me and to love me. To this day, I can only name 3 people in my life who have picked me up during some of the absolute LOWEST times of my life thus far… and those 3 people are my current BEST friends because they still choose to pick me up whenever I would fall. Although, i’ve also experienced those people wanting to give up on me because I chose failure over change. Actually, I’ve almost lost all 3 of them within the last year and the fear of them leaving me scares me the most. I don’t ever intentionally mean to hurt them and I wish I never would, but I have. Often times I’ve felt like giving up when I am faced with the pain I’ve caused them because the temptation of running away just SEEMS easier. I want to be more like them… strong and willing to be better for themselves and the people around them.

Yeah, giving up just seems easier but it’s never the right option. Choosing to fight for yourself is important and worth it and sometimes I just need that reminder to get me to keep going. Nothing is ever easy… but choosing to get up again will always get easier.

Dear person reading this, don’t give up on me. The moment someone gives up on me is the moment I give up on myself. I hope you see the potential in me enough to encourage me to keep moving forward. Don’t write me off so quickly, but keep rooting for my growth and please remind me that I’m worth it. PS. Thanks for always listening to me whenever I need you.

[understandingtheenigma]

It’s Not The Same Anymore...

Righting your wrongs with someone is an interesting concept. It really plays on the Love Language of Words of Affirmation but in a slightly different way. There are so many things someone could go through and not realize that they were at fault with someone, until they realize that they’ve lost that person. The feeling of losing someone that they love for no good reason is probably one of the worst feelings anyone could ever feel because there was never any real closure or a resolution. 

Forgiveness is something very important. I’m honestly not 100% sure if i’ve even touched on this subject in past posts, but I think it’s worthy of some discussion especially in this post. It’s hard to truly forgive someone especially knowing that they’ve hurt you in ways that you may not have even known you could be hurt before. It’s hard to let go of the fear of being hurt or wronged again by this particular person because you simply cannot bare to feel that again.

it’s in my nature to run. I talk so much shit about fighting, but in reality I’m a runner. Sometimes I struggle with truly forgiving someone when they’ve wronged me and at times I’ve even lied about doing so... and so i tend to run. Forgiving someone is one thing, but forgiving yourself is another. It’s hard to run away from yourself and who you are, and i believe that the only way to “run” is to change.

Let me pose a question to you, my reader: If someone you know has hurt you once in the past (not enough to make you truly HATE them to death but just enough that if things remained the same, you could eventually hate them) but now they’re coming to you months or even years later trying to right their wrongs with you... do you give them a second chance? if that person genuinely strives to change for the better and is actively progressing in that stride... do you give them a second chance? what if they have a reputation of being someone that everyone hates bc of his or her past mistakes... do you give them a second chance?

We're taught to "forgive and forget", but is it actually worth doing? I honestly think these are some of the hardest questions I have ever been faced with during the course of my life. I always said that forgiving people is easy, but forgetting? ... now I can't just do that. To some, that may be wrong and going against the whole concept of forgiveness, but I choose to remember the things that people have done against me as a reminder of how much I have grown and that I may truly learn my lesson. I want to remember because it will push me to foster better relationships and to just be simply better. So, is it wrong? Someone I love once told me that we should "forgive and heal"... I think that's a better one. forgiveness will always remain a constant, but choosing to remember their fault but choosing to heal is where I stand.

In all honesty, I still can't be 100% confident in choosing a side to the questions I asked. It really just depends on the person and their willingness to change. And, when these questions challenge the choices you make for yourself in regard to forgiveness... it's still not as easy of a decision.

Dear Person Reading This, if you are someone who has hurt me in the past just know that I forgive you. I think I always will... but I hope the pain you feel from hurting pushes you to be a better person. I don't want to lose you either, but I can't compromise with you if you don't compromise with me. Stop putting yourself through the pain and just heal with me.

PS. Don't forget to forgive yourself... and please remind me to do the same.

[understandingtheenigma]

The Love Series. Part Three: Heartaches.

When we think of "heartaches", we typically think of pain, suffering, and agony. As a matter of fact, vocabulary.com describes heartaches as "Although it doesn't necessarily cause physical discomfort, heartache is an emotionally painful experience. You feel heartache when you lose a loved one, especially when the person you love dies, or when it's impossible for you to be together." I can attest to all of this being true except the first line.

Heartache. Is it actual aching. Every fiber of my body tenses up and overwhelms in my chest until it tingles and disperses across all my nerve endings. It's like... the chills but inside my chest. It's hard to verbally explain the physical feeling of my heartaches, but you get the jist... I suffer from physical and emotional discomfort of a heart ache.

I can only recall very specific moments or types of moments when I experience this feeling. For example, when I lose a loved one to death, when I hurt someone I love with my words or actions, when I am hurt by someone I love with their words or actions, and when I someone I love reassures me that I am loved. Although these are different occurrences, they all have one thing in common. LOVE. I've only experienced this type of heartache when I truly love someone. That's honestly how I've come to realize if I actually "loved" someone even in my past relationships with people. As we know, I don't tend to give out unconditional and TRUE love often. In fact, I would say I seldom give it out because I know that I can only give so much. Regardless, that's how I truly know that I love someone with every bone in my body.

It's honestly such an interesting sensation because I'm not sure if other people feel the exact feeling I am. Sometimes I've sat with myself sobbing at the the fact that I've hurt someone I love and I'll experience this physical ache in my chest because there is so much fear in my heart. There were times when I would be alone with my thoughts thinking about how much pain and hurt someone else has put me through and how I wish the pain would just go away. The pain I mention would literally be the physical heart ache. Moreover, I've experienced the loss of a loved one either metaphorically or literally and I suffer from the pain or heart ache of feeling alone. Sometimes I'm even unsure if the pain stems from pure fear or pure love... I guess in a way it stems from both simultaneously. It's confusing, painful, and frustrating feeling this kind of ache in my chest, but also comforting knowing that I'm not a robot and that I am capable to love another person with all my being.

Dear person reading this, whether you've caused this kind of pain in my chest negatively or positively, just remember that I must truly love you. There's not doubt in my mind when differentiating between you whom I love and someone who I tolerate. It's painful... because I don't want to hurt or lose you. So tell me, what do your heart aches feel like?

[understandingtheenigma]

Writing my Wrongs.

I've been hurt. Not because someone did anything to me, but rather what I did to them. I'm not sure what has gotten into me. I could name 100 things and try to come up with excuses as to why... but does any of that even matter? People don't care about your excuses. They care about the change. I tell myself this and to others practically everyday, but now I sit here thinking, "damn am I the hypocrite?"

There's been many things I've kept in my heart waiting for time to pass and to heal, but none of that is working. There is so much wrong with me... like the stupid decisions I've made, my immaturity, my lack of time management, this oblivion, dishonesty, impulsiveness, my pride, and my fearfulness. I thought keeping it all inside and trying to figure out life by myself without bothering other people was the right way to do it. I was terribly wrong. I've never been really faced with the fear of losing practically all the closest relationships I have over the burden I keep in my heart. Like I said, I don't know what's gotten into me, but it's eating me alive.

I'll be honest with you. I think everyone hates me. I've hurt them with my words, my actions, and my poor decisions. I complain a lot about working hard to be this "adult" but I'm nothing but a child. I make impulsive choices that I think would force me to grow up, but in turn have actually ended up burdening the people I love most. "Why are you like this?" "Is everything ok with you?" The answer is... I have no clue, and no. I'm not alright. As I mentioned, I could sit here and give you 100 excuses as to why, but does it actually matter?

In this post, I wanted to write my wrongs in hopes that one day I make them RIGHT. Sometimes I fail to see myself the way others see me because there's just so many things going on in my head, but I think I have an idea now. Please respect my thoughts and opinions and just know this is all coming from the bottom of my heart. I mean every word and I hope in time we can all heal.

Dear Princess Poppy, I'm so scared of you. At times you can be very judgmental and aggressive with your words and opinions that it scares me to tell you things. When you make a decision about something or someone, it's a little unwelcoming to the point where I push away from you. It's not that I want to be distant, it's that I'm scared that the effort I make will be for nothing because you already made up your mind. It's unfair for me to think that of you because I know you wouldn't. You are one of the only friends I have that loves me so much to not be afraid to be completely blunt with me and to share your honest opinions with. You were there for me when I needed you the most and even when I didn't realize how much I needed you, you chose to remain and pick me back up. Through all the friend break ups I've been through, you were the only friend that got me through it all. I'm sorry for making you feel like you've fallen in the ranks, that you're not important, or that I don't care for our friendship anymore. I'm also sorry for any time that I've ever been mean to you with something I've said. I do very much so care about you just as much as I have before, and I will work harder to be better even when times are tough on my end. I want to share my entire life with you every single day, but all I ask is that you are become more welcoming so that I'm not afraid to do so and to where I feel like it's a safe place for me to share. If this makes anything any easier for us, feel free to ask me questions. I think I do better when someone else initiates the conversation rather than me just inadvertently saying something that no one really asked for. I promise to do better in putting more effort into what I can do for our friendship. You are my best friend, and I wouldn't ever want to jeopardize it because of dishonesty, lack of effort, and pettiness. I love you and I'm thankful to have someone like you there to call me out on my bullshit.

Dear Reyna, I am sorry. I'm ashamed of taking you for granted and not hearing you when you need me most. I'm sorry for ruining anything special for you. I'm sorry for causing more trouble than anything else. I'm sorry for hurting you with my words, actions, and lack of empathy. My heart aches with the fact that I've hurt you in more ways than one recently. I wish you told me sooner, and I'm sorry I didn't catch it myself. I know saying sorry can only go so far and that's why I promise to be better and do better. You are my best friend and I know would always support me in anything I chose to do and honestly I couldn't ask of anything more. I'm sorry I've been such a shitty friend. It sucks to think about how I used to talk so much about how important friendship is and yet here I am failing at doing just that. I'm sorry for being selfish and making you feel fearful. Please don't feel afraid to tell me something honestly because I would rather you tell me the truth so that I can be better for you. Sometimes I can be oblivious to my words and actions that I do need some reminding. I'm sorry for how childish that is, but I need people like you to just give me that reminder of who I am. I'm honestly so blessed to have you as my friend because you're so wise and you teach me a lot about life even though you're younger than me. I care so much about you and I don't ever want to hurt you in the ways that I have again. I love you.

Dear Kings, I don't know why I'm stubborn. I sit here listening and agreeing to what you say all with the fear of hurting you again, but I still chose to fuck up. In all honesty, I feel like you're all slowly giving up on me. It hurts me to think that I've done so many things that make you want to think, "ah well I don't care about you anymore." I made a promise to you and intend to keep it. There's a lot suffering in our relationship because of me. I'm sorry for making you feel like I don't care. I don't want to resent you and vis versa. I'm sorry for taking you for granted. I want to be better and even if it's hard, I want to build our relationship back. I love you and thank you for still giving me the chance to be better and to change.

Dear person reading this, please don't give up on me. I don't want to give up on you. I'm immature, insecure, fearful, prideful, and I'm human. I'm going to make so many mistakes, but I realized that I think I need you to lean on especially when these things get the best of me. Please understand that I'm still learning to figure out my life, how I feel, and where I belong. I'm about to make a huge change in my life and I still want you all to be there for me as it happens. Thanks for believing in me and supporting me through the thick and thin of life. Please be accountable for me. Call me out on my bullshit and help me become a better person. I love you. Please don't give up on me.

[understandingtheenigma]

The Love Series. Part Two: Expectations.

Whenever I would watch a new movie, I would go into the theater with the expectation that it will be the next greatest movie I have ever seen. Unfortunately I found that 75% of the time the movie is definitely not the next greatest movie I have ever seen, or even something I don’t ever want to watch ever again. Call me “someone with high standards” but I just don’t want to be disappointed. I would even say that I had higher expectations out of life when I was younger than I do now... I guess that just comes with age and experience with disappointment. 

When I was younger, I had very unrealistic expectations about love and how I wanted to be loved. The only examples of “true love” I had available to me were every Disney princess movie... and my parents. I grew up thinking that I was to be the one who was chased until I deemed him worthy or the man was to offer up his fattest pig to my family in exchange for my hand in marriage. I watched my parents grow throughout their 30+ years of marriage through what I understood was a God-centered love and as a child, that’s what I knew what I deserved. 

Despite me fantasizing about my future prince sweeping me off my feet, there was always one person who taught me what it was like to be truly loved. In all honesty, I blame him for my extremely high expectations in love. That person is my father. My dad is someone whose love languages are literally all equally ranked with the highest score. He isn’t a perfect human being, and he has made mistakes that’ve hurt me many times, but the love in his heart is so overwhelming sometimes that I can’t help but strive to have a heart like his. His love is aggressive, unapologetic, and generous. It can be impulsive but in the best ways, like when it comes to buying gifts. He is soft for those he cares about the most, but is also highly protective when it is his responsibility to do so. Seldom do I meet people with a heart like my father, but everyday I strive to find the people that do.

But when it comes to me I always ask myself..... How could you love someone else if you don’t even love yourself? Often times, I’m struggling to meet the expectations of love for myself. Not to get too into where my heart lies with, but there have been many times where I failed to show myself the love I deserve and it’s caused me to fail at loving the people around me. Just like a new movie, I expect a lot from myself... and more often then not, I disappoint myself. I guess it’s not the healthiest when you’re your own biggest critic. Sometimes I wonder what other people expect from me when it comes to love. I have this fear that others think I’m hard to love because I find it hard to love. I want to learn how to love unconditionally, generously, and with great understanding because with all the disappointment I’ve experienced with others and especially myself, I’ve learned that these things are the hardest for me.

That is what I expect: unconditionality, generosity, and understanding in every context. It’s easy to love but it can be hard to share your heart and meet the standards of others. 

Dear person reading this, it’s okay to have expectations and it’s okay to hold high standards when it comes to love. You deserve to be loved the way you want it with unconditionality, generosity, and understanding in. every. context.

[understandingtheenigma]

The Love Series. Part One: Love is...

I want to start this blog series about love. It’s such an enigma in my life that I feel like I’ve yet to lay out and explore it all. You already know this is going to be all over the place with emotion and thought, but I just want to get this down in writing even if it’s disorganized. This series aims to explore my thoughts on the matters of the heart.

 So with that being said, what about...love? 

As we all know, love is one of the most complicated topics and emotions of all time. Nearly every song you hear is about love, sex, or lust. Many movies and tv shows are only successful because of love or sex. The news is filled with stories about celebrities getting married, starting to date, or couples that got divorced. I have friends that had relationships that lasted for years, just to find out that they broke up because someone cheated, fell out of love, or became a priest. Without bringing religion and vocation/calling in to this post, love seems to bring a lot of potential hurt for something that’s supposed to feel so good. For some reason, no one seems to be able to get it “right” in this world. Let me say that again... no one can seem to get it right. How. fucking. scary. With all of that being said, I’m not entirely sure if I can tell you what love is. My guesses are “an overwhelming emotion that comes with it’s own baggage of hurt an suffering but if you really want it enough then you could be happy”? LOL Let’s try to get into it...

Love can get confused with many other emotions such as lust and infatuation. I could talk about the differences of infatuation, lust, and love, but I feel like that deserves it’s own part... so stay tuned for that. But for now I just want to talk about what love is to me. 

Love is... well...

In my 25 years of life I’ve experienced love in a multitude of ways. I don’t want to come off as arrogant, but all my life I have been well loved. And when I say well loved I mean WELL LOVED. As the youngest and the baby of my family, I have always been highly protected and cared for. There has never been a moment in my life where I didn’t know if my family loved me or not, because that’s just who they are. We are and unconditional love type of family. Family is usually a solid given, but what about friends? It’s possible that I may be ignorant in thinking that I’ve never made any enemies in life or people don’t hate me, but that’s how I’ve come to understand most if not all my friendships I’ve made over the years. Yes I’ve lost many friends along the way, but within those times I was their friends, I was always well loved. Not only friends, but even strangers of whom I’ve just met or know nothing about me seem to give me attention and affection that I personally don’t think I deserve. In my relationships, I have also been very loved. Whether or not these relationships manifested into anything more than a friendship, they always seemed to pull through with this kind of “well loved” love. 

This is where I sit here and tilt my head...

I am a well loved individual. I experience being well loved every single day. But why is it that I can’t understand it? Why is it that I still think love is still a crazy thing? Is it because I don’t know how it happens or maybe because I don’t know how to control it? Sometimes it comes to a point where I get self-conscious about who I am because how could someone just love me like that? All these questions run through my head especially when I can’t accept the unsolicited love I receive from another. (LOL unsolicited makes love seem like a bad thing...but maybe that can also be another part to the series) 

But what is it to me? Love is... 

The inescapable care you have for someone regardless of how they’ve hurt you in the past. The overly protective affection you have for someone so that they don’t get hurt by anyone. The willingness to change, to give, and to surrender for the good of the other. The serotonin that injects into your soul when you stare into their eyes. The sense of security you have in their arms. The feeling of being home. 

That’s what love is to me and as complicated as I make it seem in my head, I know it’s so simple. 

Dear Person Reading This, I’m still learning and I hope you are too. Love is easy! Please help me remember that. Stay tuned for more parts on this series. :) 

[understandingtheenigma]

Oops.

have you ever felt like you were the cause of something bad even if you didn’t do anything to directly cause “the bad”? it’s like as if your mere existence caused someone to make a decision that in turn hurt others?

i don’t want this post to come off as conceited, entitled, or as if i’m better than others because it’s may perhaps be the opposite. recently i’ve made many guy friends who may have had a crush on me at some point. i noticed that once i get close to these boys they begin to question a lot about their current relationships. i’m not sure if it’s something i said, asked, or mentioned... but they seem to open up to me about their girls and the problems they have with them and i find myself giving them advice about their self worth and what they deserve. (i know... dangerous territory, i agree....) as their friend, i want to be honest with them and affirm them of their worth. nothing wrong with that, right?

well, i’ve found that my friendship may have unintentionally caused a lot of breakups. i think in the last year, i can name like 3 boys off the top of my head that this has happened with. one in particular knew me for a good 2 or 3 months and he never told me he had a gf until he was having problems with her. after talking with him about it, he broke up with her like the next day, then he immediately tried to get with me, just to find out a few months later that he got back together with the girl and stopped talking to me. he recently posted a “happy one year” anniversary post about their relationship... but little does everyone else know i think i caused a break in that year. another boy that i barely knew and i got relatively close over the end of summer. we bonded over a lot of things and without even being aware of his relationship, he started opening up about his girlfriend and how he was having problems with her. “i don’t feel valued in our relationship,” is what he told me and because he was my friend, i reassured him of his worth and to take authority of what he deserves in life. a few weeks later i get a call from him about how he broke up with her... and once again a few weeks after that, they get back together and stopped talking to me.

i’m not upset or anything on how things turned out for them, in fact i’m really happy for them! what doesnt sit right with me is how i indirectly hurt someone because of what i may have said. i’ve been told that i make people THINK sometimes... so much so that start to question themselves. i’m not sure if i like having the power to do something like that because of how many people have gotten hurt. is that something i’m insecure about? or am i just nervous that i could abuse something like this...

this just got me thinking of how much we can affect people with our existence. this topic can literally branch into so many things, and maybe i’ll do a series for this and for different situations of my life. in the meantime, be careful what you say.

Dear Person Reading This, if my existence has caused you hurt in anyway, to others or to yourself, then i apologize. just know that my honesty comes from my heart in order to make you a better person and not to make you feel like shit. Reassure me of my worth... sometimes i need to learn how to take my own advice.

[understandingtheenigma]

Just Like You.

There’s a man I know named Jesus... He is forgiving, kind, and peaceful. He’s someone who outpours that UNCONDITIONAL typa love without giving it a second thought. As a Catholic, I’ve always learned that we should be like Jesus in those ways especially, but as we grow older we find that the secular things, behaviors, and attitudes of this world have affected our judgement and understanding of what it really means to be those things.

I want to be like Jesus... but I’m most definitely not. so what’s stopping me? I find myself struggling to be forgiving or loving towards those who may need it the most because I’ve come to realize that it’s so hard for me. The walls I throw up around my heart can get too high and too fortified and in turn I find myself hurting those I care about the most or failing to care for those who really need it.

I want to live like Jesus... but I get scared because I fear of getting hurt again. I tend to say I’m running on the set path towards the goal, but in reality I’m running the longer more difficult way... like through a forrest, without my glasses. It takes time for me to love someone unconditionally. it takes time for me to forgive someone 100%. it takes time for me to be truly kind to you. that’s my problem... not using my time to be so those things because I’m too busy running.

I want to forgive like Jesus... if I ever learn how to forgive. I don’t tend to hold grudges, but forgiving has always been half meant with me. Don’t get me wrong, I tend to give second chances out like it’s a bowl of candy on halloween, but I never forget what you did. My dad once told me that that wasn’t true forgiveness and that I’m sinning because of it. Of course I fought him, trying to defend my point but in all truth, he’s right. At this point, I’m no better than the person who hurt me... right?

I want to be a friend like Jesus... but I always think people have hidden agendas, are secretly malicious, or are using me for their own gain. I guess this can bring me into a deeper discussion of how could you forgive someone who’s has the tendency to lie? I’ve dealt with a lot of lying humans in my life. I’ve been hurt more times than one from people who keep secrets from, lie to, or cheat on me. It doesn’t matter how big or small or if they did it to “protect” me... each one was a bullet straight to my heart. the aches and pains from those 3 things have the tendency to ruin the sanity of my mind and warmness of my heart. I found myself questioning whether or not it was actually just MY fault... How could I forgive them? How could I love them again? How could I even be their friend? These questions run rampant through my mind sometimes even to this day... When someone I love chooses to do the grand ol’ 3 and I find out, best believe I wrote some notes and I run. I’ve lost many to the dark pit of dishonesty... some of which still reside there today. But then I ask myself, how could I do that to them? Not forgive their wrongdoings and ignoring their willingness to change? That’s not being like Jesus... I recently came across a bible passage. Luke 6:37-38 it reads, “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” This has been a constant reminder that I need to do better to be like Jesus. it’s a classic “treat others the way you want to be treated” but in a different way. You will be rewarded with abounding forgiveness, good measure, and love if you just do the same to others.

I want to be perfect like Jesus... But I’m nowhere near his kind of perfection. No one is perfect, especially me...

This post wasnt meant to make you feel bad for me... but rather the opposite. I hope by the end of this you’ve come to realize the same thing I have, that I have so much room to improve, to be better and to be like Jesus. I will learn to forgive, be kind and love unconditionally one day, but until that day comes I will keep striving to be just like You.

Dear Person Reading This, be honest with me and with God. Believe me... I struggle with true honesty as well (i know... ironic). Whatever you are hiding will eventually come out to eat you alive especially if you’ve hurt someone you love. Join me to be like Jesus. I’ll be praying for you so please pray for me.

[understandingtheenigma]

Pikachu I choose YOU.

Someone I know once described the motions of people coming and going in your life as a train. As your heading towards your destination in life, people get on your train for the duration of one stop or the whole way through. It’s an interesting concept when you apply it to your own life. I’ve previously discussed my philosophy of the purpose of people who come into your life in a past post... but this one is a little different. This one is all about the friends I’ve made throughout my life.

In elementary school I was never the popular “it” girl at school or in a community which kind of casted me in the “weird” group of people. I was honestly pretty insecure with who I was at a young age because I’ve experienced times where no one wanted to be my friend or I was always alone. I wasn’t sure why... besides the stupid reality of being a minority, not having the confidence as a child, and sometimes I was even bullied for it all. At times I found myself envious of those girls who were always invited to birthday parties, had the cool clothes from Limited Too, or had a lot of friends because that was never me and honeslty, they scared me. I was also smart. People cheated off of me and made fun of me for being a nerd. My best friend in elementary school was also kinda weird. Everyone would always make fun of her for the way that she looked or that she wasn’t “smart”. It’s crazy looking back at our relationship because she was the complete opposite of me. She fought back whenever someone was mean to us and didn’t have a care in the world. Other friends of mine would always try to convince me not to be her friend, but she was my BEST FRIEND. I didn’t care what anyone said because I knew who she was and that’s all that mattered.

Fast forward to Middle School... Braces, bad hair cut, glasses, unathletic, nerd. That was me. I made a lot more friends in middle school... but I was never “popular”. I wanted things to be different around this time, so I tried hard to have more friends and be “cooler” than who i was before. Although I made some lifelong friends during these 2 years, I’m not proud of how I went about it. I chose to ditch my old friends for my new friends because I could see myself getting “cooler” than them. It was bad because I felt so guilty that I wrote my elementary school best friend a letter about how I felt bad but now I have new friends. (Damn i’m mean) By 8th grade I felt like I was on top of the world with all my new friends...

Highschool started. I attended a different high school than all the friends I made in Middle School. I literally had to start over and make new friends in High school... Those 4 years I was pretty much only known as the “cool asian girl”. I honestly don’t think I had any other title. I had many friends, but I only ever hung out with 2 other people. We weren’t popular. We didn’t even do anything extracurricular besides art class. We were kinda lame tbh. We had other friends but it always just came down to us 3. They were nothing like me. At times I couldn’t even relate to them... at one point during high school my best friend asked me to drive her to get an abortion! Things were different and we were different. As we graduated and everyone went their separate ways, I lost my relationships with all of them.

Don’t get me started on community. The 2 best friends I’ve made in community are some of my favorite stories to tell. They’ve stuck by my side through thick and thin and even when we drift apart, we always come back together. They know things about me THROUGHOUT my elementary-present years. Both of them are my best friends, but they aren’t each other’s. Although they are very different from each other and very different from me, they’re are VERY much the same. BFF #1 loves everything glitter, pink, and loud. She’s athletic, talented, and self sufficient. BFF #2 is complex minded, thoughtful, and passionate about everything the loves. Everyone thought it was kinda weird that I was friends with them because truthfully... no one ever really liked them. There was always someone who, for some reason, hated them. They weren’t friends with everyone. In certain groups, no one even likes them because of some grudge, beef, or fault they have with each other... Those are my friends.

By the time i was in college, I just found myself trying to just get by in school. I didn’t make friends. I had no friends. When I transferred, I made some very unlikely friends but until this day we’re very close. It’s crazy to me how the outlook and expectations on friendship changes as you get older. But even as I got older, I still get the question as to why I am their friend? WHY I chose them?

That’s the question. “Why did I choose them?” That question has been thrown at me more times than I wished it would’ve. People don’t understand why I’m friends with certain people or why I chose these people over OTHER people.

Let me clear it up and be straight. I choose the friends I have because they pulled up for me when no one else would. Whenever I needed someone, they were ALWAYS there without fail. Even if I was in the wrong, they always forgave me and heard me out. They love me unconditionally. They were here for me when no one else was. They love me beyond my faults and flaws.

I chose them because they chose me.

The thing about them is... no one ever expected me to be their friends. I never failed to hear a “why are you friends with her/him?” from random people, other friends, and family. As a matter of fact... I don’t give a fuck about what others think. I chose my friends because where were you? This honestly goes for any relationship I have. The people I pull up for are the ones who pull up for me.

Dear Person Reading This, I choose you because you chose me. Thanks for being my best friend and being a guide in my journey in life. If we’ve ever had a falling out, just know that I cherished our friendship to the end and I’m still rooting for you from the sidelines. I’ll always be here for you.

[understandingtheenigma]

Impress Me.

I’ve never been good at accepting. I get very cynical when it comes to it because I find myself thinking that people are malicious or expect something in return. Whether that means gifts, myself, others, etc. The list goes on. Whenever something is given to me, I’ve never been one to  take it lightly... usually my reaction results in something that may come off as ungrateful or even angry. It’s not that I’m ungrateful or that I don’t like what it is that is given to me, it’s more because I feel like I don’t deserve it. 

Lemme run it back,. Please don’t judge me for the choice of words I’m about to use. I’m just trying to be real... I’ve always been someone who has gotten everything I’ve ever wanted. Until this day, if I ask for something from someone they will give it to me. I. Am. Spoiled. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I know how to be manipulative and charm people into giving me what I want. I’m not proud of it, but I’ve done it before and despite successfully getting what I want, I’ve never been proud of that because deep in my heart I know that I didn’t deserve it. I feel as though this sentiment stems from that feeling of being undeserving and beating myself up for being selfish... More recently I’ve come to realize that some people give me things because that is literally how they show their love, it’s just a matter of the fact that I’m not like that myself. It’s taken me a while to get used to it. There are very few people in this world that I am more willing to accept gifts from because I’ve come to terms with the fact that that’s how they love me.

If I’m going to let you onto a little secret, it’s that it really doesn’t take much to impress me. It’s the little things in life that make me happy. (reread this). Grandiose gestures are actually less impressive to me because then it makes me question the intention of your action. It’s nice and all, but sometimes it can be too much, I’m a simple girl with simple wants... unless you’re tryna buy me a car, then maybe we can talk. LOL jk. Nevertheless, I’m low maintenance. Keep it simple. Keep it sweet. Chef’s Kiss. 

Dear Person Reading This, trust me, I’m not good at giving gifts either. I’m probably the most terrible person when it comes to that... But I’m working on it. Word of advice: get to know me better. It doesn’t take much.  

[understandingtheenigma]

Black Friday.

The days after Thanksgiving have a track record of being some of the worst days I’ve ever experienced. I’m not quite sure why, but there has never been a year, at least in my adult years, where I didn’t hear bad news, felt depressed, or get into a large fight with someone I love. This year didn’t fail to bring those same events, and it possibly could be the worst year yet. 

There’s been a lot weighing down on my heart and my mind lately and it’s beginning to affect me in more ways than one. As I mentioned in my last post, this year has caused me to feel numb to so many things because I refused to let myself feel emotions that I don’t have the energy for. The holiday seasons make me realize how precious the relationships you make in this life are important. I often find myself revisiting old journal entries, tweets, blog posts, etc, that remind me that this life is only temporary and as much “time” we think we have, it goes by quickly. I don’t know how many times I have to say it, but cherish those around you and do not be afraid to tell people you love them. That’s something I’ve been forcing myself to work on especially lately because life is just.... too short. 

The past month or so the Lord has really been testing me. Just when I thought I was comfortable and settled with where my heart was at, He threw me some curveballs and now I keep missing. I swear there was a shift in the timeline during the middle of October and I have no idea what is going on. The walls around my heart have never been so high before in my life because I’m fearful of the future and what it may entail (kinda like the snow fort that squidward builds in that one episode with the snowball fight lol). Call me distrustful, cynical, or unfaithful... but I can’t help but let the fear in my heart grow. It’s like I’ve been allowing myself be buried into a hole that I don’t necessarily care to get out of. I know it’s unhealthy but for some reason at times that’s the only way I can “feel” anything nowadays. I’m aware this hurts the people I love, but I’m just nervous to even let myself get hurt again. This has always been something I struggle with and communicating that with people will always be hard. 

Losing someone I love is also something that weighs heavy on my heart around this time of year. I’ve experienced too many deaths in my life I wish I didn’t have, especially at this young age. Hearing that someone very near and dear to me is sick kills me inside and as much as I want to continue living my life like everything is okay, deep down nothing is okay. Yeah, that may be “normal” but I can’t help but feel as though I’m alone. At times I don’t know how to express the deep pain inside my heart because I know it would hurt some people or make people sad. 

I’ve gone through a lot within the last few Black Fridays and I’ve learned a lot about myself. If there’s one thing to sum it all up, its that things will never be the same, but time moves forward and so should we. I need to keep bettering myself for the sake of my family and my friends and stop making excuses for sheltering my true feelings from the people I love. They don’t deserve that. 

Dear Person Reading This, I need you to challenge me to be a better person, to use my heart to spread love, and to stop being a little bitch. lol. Be gentle. Be honest. Be real with me. That’s all I ask. Pray for my mom, please. And tell the ones you love that you love them. I love you and thank you for being someone who cares about me. I never thought anyone really did. 

[understandingtheenigma]

The Opposite of Love...

Lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

I’ve never felt this more than I have this year. 2020 started off bad and only got worse. Being so affected by the events of 2019 made me lose sentiment for almost everything and I was N U M B. There has always been this fear inside me that my head is on way too tight to the point I became robotic, cold and unsympathetic. Kinda like I am less...human.

You thought 2019 was bad? Well, 2020 was worse. This year started off bad. I lied to myself how I actually felt about things, I lied to other people how I actually felt about things, and I distanced myself from the one person who knows everything about me (God). I ended my relationship, was forced to go home because of covid, forced to finish my last quarter of school online, couldn’t hug/hang out with any of my friends, canceled road trips/travel plans, and I didn’t realize that I could never say goodbye or thank you to some of the most important people in my life. Time moved on and I graduated... virtually. I worked jobs that didn’t pay me, had to adapt to talking to screens for friendship, gave up finding a job because i couldn’t one for months, used Twitch as a social experiment and coerced money out of people, and messed with people’s feelings for fun. Time moved on and I found a job... remotely. I still lived at home. I fed off of people who gave me attention and gave them nothing in return. I became complacent. I did nothing but look pretty and I got paid for it. I got bored and found out a lot of information that some people may not know that I know. In return, I messed with people’s hearts, I hurt them, and I didn’t care.

Recently I’ve experienced a lot of “overwhelming” emotions ranging from the deepest hatred to the purest love. I can’t help but feel numb to it all. My biggest fear has finally become a reality. I’m not proud of who I’ve become because I’ve become inhuman. There have been times when I will look in the mirror and question who I am because I am literally so numb that it’s laughable.

I’m afraid of this “emotion” because it’s the most evil and inhumane emotion.

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.

My heart and my mind are in a worst place than they were last year, because at least then I actually felt things. It’s not fair to those around me, especially those whom I love and care about the most. They don’t deserve that from me, but it’s so difficult to shake this feeling. Maybe it’s fear of getting hurt or the fear of hurting myself is the reason why I allow myself to feel this way? I don’t really know, but what I do know is that the people I love don’t deserve my indifference because it is evil in it’s purest form.

Dear Person Reading This, I’m sorry if I’ve ever hurt you with my complacency and indffierence. Give me some time and some space. I obviously don’t know who I am anymore and that’s my own job to figure it out. All I ask is that you pray for my heart, mind and soul. I believe things will get better. I’m praying for you.

[understandingtheenigma]

Fake Noodle.

Wait. Before I begin, I have a joke... What do you call a fake noodle? (read this post and find out hehe)

Okay, let’s begin. Have you heard of Impostor Syndrome? 

According to the most reliable source in the world, it is described as a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".[1] Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be.  (Wikipedia)

As much as I don’t want to admit it, I see this a lot in me. It’s not that I purposely want to come off as over confident or have that “I know exactly what I’m doing” attitude, it just kinda happens. I personally think that if I act/pretend like I do know what I’m doing, then I will actually accomplish what I set out to do. I’m not sure if that even makes sense but, yeah. I feel like this is more prevalent when it comes to my talents...

Throughout my lifetime I’ve found it hard to really be open about my talents. Sometimes I get really shy to show people what I can do or what I am capable of because I’m afraid of the expectations that will come with that. As a result, I get scared that I can’t live up to those expectations or that I’m not good enough. I’ll admit, I am a pretty talented individual... There’s many things that I have put hours of practice into and many things that I am naturally good at. I’m truly blessed to have some sort of skill in many things. Some talents I can own up to and am confident that I can prove it. For example, many people know what I have a good eye for beauty. I’m an artist so having a natural good eye is very valuable and I’m so lucky to have it come naturally to me. I can eat? lol Some talents I really spent time to practice because at times, I was forced to. For example, I’ve taken piano lessons for 14 years. I can draw pretty accurately to life. I can speak in public like it’s no problem. Some talents I actually have a passion for and I wish I had more time to nurture those talents. For example, I love to make/decorate baked goods. I can actually sing and I wish I wasn’t so shy to show people. I love to dance, but I don’t dance. I’m pretty good at bowling and ping pong.

Yes, I have all these talents and sometimes I do tell people, but then I have to always prove it. I feel like people are constantly calling my bluff because I’m I have some false humility and I can actually prove myself. Recently, finding a job has been a tough endeavor. Attempting to PROVE your worth, talent, work ethic to someone who doesn’t know you is hard. It’s been a rough few months trying to find a job that will get me somewhere in life and help me make money. I’ve had interviews upon interviews with people saying I’m talented/skilled but I was never good enough for them. It hurts. The imposter syndrome of getting a job is worse. They actually BELIEVED you in your interview and now you have to prove it! Who would’ve thought that you would actually show them? Nevertheless, it’s a struggle I find myself dealing with every single day no matter who it is. I want to come off as “perfect” or “needed” but that’s hard when I  can’t even see that in myself. Call it self pity or false humility, but the threat of perfectionism and proving that to people will one day ruin me. 

Dear person reading this, be accountable for me. Self pity and false humility is something I struggle with and I need to stop because God didn’t give me all these blessings to just hide it from the world and pretend they don’t exist. Keep me in check and encourage me to be a STAR.