i moved blogs cuz im dumb! smaller muse list 4 the time being cuz i just need something⦠Lower effort
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ellievsbear
Monterey Bay Aquarium
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@undones-a
i moved blogs cuz im dumb! smaller muse list 4 the time being cuz i just need something⦠Lower effort
i moved blogs cuz im dumb! smaller muse list 4 the time being cuz i just need something⦠Lower effort
i moved blogs cuz im dumb! smaller muse list 4 the time being cuz i just need something⦠Lower effort
i moved blogs cuz im dumb! smaller muse list 4 the time being cuz i just need something⦠Lower effort
i moved blogs cuz im dumb! smaller muse list 4 the time being cuz i just need something⦠Lower effort
i moved blogs cuz im dumb! smaller muse list 4 the time being cuz i just need something... Lower effort
i plan to come back 2 this blog soon but for now. my ocs @grieveously and dean @comefourth are my main blogs : )
ruinuous > undones
Manu Bennett as Allanon in āThe Shannara Chroniclesā 1.01-1.02
sabortoothsā.
āĀ Ā itās kimberly.Ā Ā the girl i āĀ Ā āĀ Ā she falters,Ā unable to meet his gaze,Ā afraid of what she may find there;Ā Ā he knows now,Ā but she canāt remember much of how he reacted.Ā Ā all she can remember of the last afternoon is her mother,Ā the look of disgust on her face,Ā the venomous words on her tongue āĀ Ā Ā none of which surprisedĀ trini,Ā but it hurt anyway.Ā Ā Ā āĀ Ā itās not someā¦Ā Ā phase.Ā Ā or whatever mom said.Ā Ā i know i like girls.Ā Ā ā like her.Ā Ā Ā ā
he contemplates in guarded silence -- an extended beat thatās particularly nothing yet everything. his hands clasped together, his mouth molded into a thin, just-there line; his demeanor perfectly presented in an expression of neutrality as david studies his daughter, the worry, the fear sheās harbored for - how long now? and confirmed, his mind aches to acknowledge, juneās reaction entombed there, the look of disappointment and rage and something akin to terror. he feels a certain degree of fear, too, but for reasons antithetical to his wifeās: a fear for trini, not of her, of the years sheās lived with this cloud overcast, this secret growing, and overall, the ever-expanding thought that heās failed her -- because she kept this from him for so long, only feeling comfortable, safe enough to disclose such an important thing after she was gone.
but this isnāt about him; he smothers his feelings of guilt, interring them to be unearthed and examined later. at present, he ventures softly towards a reply, offering first a half-sigh that catches in his throat; in his eyes, thereās understanding, everything he struggles to put into words. he feels his nails press somewhat harshly into the soft skin of his palms, turned white beneath the pressure, and from that he divines the strength to speak -- gentle, as usual, barely above a whisper.Ā
(Ā a vague recollection of those first months with june resurfaces - sheād always liked how little he spoke. he shudders inwardly at that now, revulsion creeping into the hollow of his throatĀ ).
āĀ i know it isnāt a phase.Ā āĀ the wordās not exactly spat, but itās parroted with something contrasting kindness. it ignites something in him he doesnāt comprehend; david sucks a breath between his teeth, hands extending palm-forward in something like surrender.Ā Ā āĀ your mother was out of line - no, no, she was --- she was worse than that. she was----Ā āĀ his voice rises, cracks, and he relents, anger pricking his flesh like a dozen needles. sheās still his wife; the mother of his children; thereās still something in his heart that renders him unable to insult her in front of their daughter. not love - that, he knows. he swallows back his bitterness and flicks his tongue to wet his lip.
āĀ i donāt care who you love - i mean, i do, but just --- not like that. not... like some fucking dictator. youāre my daughter, and i love you, and i just want you happy.Ā āĀ another crack, but less noticeable - not from a place of anger, but a resurfacing of his guilt - his fear.Ā Ā āĀ and you are, right? happy. she makes you happy? iāve always liked kim, you know.Ā ā
i feel like itās supposed to be implied that jaha didnāt know about bellamyās birth/existence prior to melindaās death but thatās so.. Extremely impossible because population laws are Far too strict for an unauthorized birth, especially on walden, so weāre not going to acknowledge that. instead, itās going to be canon that jaha did know melinda was pregnant when he left her, but as aĀ āparting giftā his familyās influence was utilized to ensure she wouldnāt be killed. jaha was instructed never to contact her or bellamy, and he did honor that, staying faithful to his wife after their marriage but thinking often of his child.
after melindaās death, however, there were instances were he interfered in bellamyās life, most notably being when bellamy was 18 and applied for his name change and hormone replacement therapy: jaha pulled some strings in his favor, then did the same when bellamy was 19 and applied for top surgery. but bellamy doesnāt know any of this, of course; bellamy believes that he killed jaha and that jaha died not knowing that he was his son, and thatās something that will haunt him for the remainder of his life.
wanlidasā.
itās what he expected,Ā for bellamy to shrug his words off and deflect.Ā not because he knows himĀ (Ā because he doesnāt,Ā not personallyĀ āāĀ only what heās gathered so far,Ā and he knows not to rely on first impressionsĀ )Ā but because heās been here before.Ā trying to get people to open up,Ā trying to push people to allow themselves to breathe rather than being so focused on all the negatives that surround them now.Ā no one ever seems to give in,Ā so focused on trying to survive rather than to liveĀ āāĀ something heās trying to process himself,Ā too.Ā Ā
he just wants to be okay.Ā and he wants everyone around him to be okay,Ā too.Ā because if heās focusing on everyone else,Ā if heās attempting to spread any sort of optimism,Ā then maybe he wonāt fade into the back of his mind,Ā where his own fear is buried:Ā you may never see your parents again,Ā he whispers to himself when heās too focused on himself,Ā not anyone else.Ā Ā and he tells everyone else not to be afraid,Ā but his own fear is forcing this optimism of his to nearly consume him.Ā maybe it is feigned,Ā but itās a piece of himself from space he refuses to let go ofĀ ā-Ā a piece of himself that has always made him who he is,Ā and he canāt lose that now.Ā Ā
ā no,Ā thatās notĀ ā-Ā Ā thatās not what i meant, āĀ heās quick to blurt out,Ā both pointer fingers held up as he shakes them.Ā āĀ i just meant,Ā that if you were,Ā it would make sense. i think weāre all kind of scared right now.Ā i think weāre all trying not to focus on that. āĀ just like he is.Ā Ā āĀ iām just saying itās okay.Ā whether you are or youāre notĀ āāĀ no one should feel bad for feeling what they feel right now.Ā even if itās not fear.Ā even if itāsĀ .Ā .Ā .Ā Ā disappointment,Ā or anger,Ā or whatever.Ā āĀ and thatās not just about HIM.Ā itās about everyone.Ā but monty knows that bellamy has a voice,Ā whether or not thatās a good thing or a bad thingĀ āāĀ and he hoped that maybe,Ā if bellamy was owning whatever he felt,Ā others would follow.Ā
and maybe he is,Ā maybe monty just doesnāt know him enough.Ā itās something he wants to change,Ā about everyone here,Ā but he doesnāt expect that to come easily.Ā thereās a reason it had been only he and jasper for so long.Ā Ā
his eyes look down,Ā watching the blood stain against his shirt,Ā and his instinct is to want to help himĀ āāĀ yet bellamy has already made it clear that it might not be a real option.Ā Ā so he relaxes,Ā eyes looking back up at him again as he watches what he believes is him attempting to let his guard down slightly,Ā a breath of relief falling from monty.Ā the last thing he wants is to make enemies here,Ā especially when heās trying to make friends.Ā āĀ yeah,Ā trust meĀ ā-Ā iām trying.Ā āĀ Ā
a pause,Ā and he takes a deep breath,Ā taking a chance.Ā Ā āĀ Ā whereād you learn how to do that?Ā āĀ he asks,Ā nodding down at the weapon in his hand.Ā
bellamy stiffens, a sudden stream of guilt trickling through him as something unseen reminds him of montyās age - that, like everyone here, heās little more than a child - that, unlike bellamy, he had no prior notice of this mission, that he was forced into the dropship and told about their destination in a single, sweeping motion, no time to plan, adjust, to come to terms with the imminent collision and encroaching possibility of a death more painful than what would be dealt on the colony. a million unknowns forced onto him in the span of a second; an imagination left to wander through a meadow of speculation, unsure of survival - (Ā maybe desiring an end by needle, a shell of a body left to float through space rather than feasted upon by whatever roams the earth ----Ā Ā )
he softens. shoulders slump in something akin to defeat, but bellamyās expression is shaped into something more amicable - not the beaming grin heād offer octavia, but something. he eases onto the vivid grass and presents his quiver - an assortment of manufactured and handmade ammunition, some crusted with blood still from prior kills.Ā Ā āĀ i read about it. on the colony. i got into the library a few times, but -Ā āĀ his laughter here is bitter; in his gaunt features is the unmistakable mark of walden - it explains what he doesnāt say.Ā Ā āĀ - but there was treasure up there, if you knew where to look. iād found a few survival guides over the years, and i kept them,Ā ācause, i guess...Ā Ā āĀ Ā
i guess. bellamy falls silent for a beat, then stretches it to two. the bleeding seems to end of its own accord, leaving a dull throb in its wake.Ā Ā āĀ a lot of the shit in them turned out to be useless - information about what plants were safe to eat, yāknow?Ā ācause the people who wrote them couldnāt account for what happened down here. but some of it was still good. like how to hunt. make traps. how to find water and tell the direction or time of day. i memorized it all when i heard what they had planned.Ā āĀ he produces an arrow as he speaks, one of his first, not as straight as heād intended but workable, outfitted with a stark-white arrowhead, flat with sharp edges.Ā Ā āĀ itās animal bone, from one of the first deer i killed. you break it down and sharpen it with a rock.Ā āĀ self-admiration is fleetingly present, glinting in his eye, mouth curving into a smile.Ā Ā āĀ ---- i could show you some stuff, if you want. maybe not arrow-making, but, traps are easy. and i could use the help.Ā ā
the mouth of the tunnel is child-size, a pinhead of uninterrupted dark descending into depths unknown. in the moonlight that needles through the tree branches above, fourās fear is perceptible, a shadow that darkens his hard-set mouth, scarred chin. in the crevices of his mind is the blurred memory of a boy thrown into a closet by a firm hand - the considerable weight of the hardwood door as he throws himself against it - bleeding nails as they scrape pleas his throat is too sore to offer voice. his shoulders shudder at the recollection; the palms of his hands, resting in the dirt and mire and only inches from the space, recoil suddenly; sounds of pursuit fail to register, left idling on the doorstep of his hearing as he wanders through the fogged wasteland of remembrance.Ā
his mouth fumbles for an excuse - four feels it press against his teeth but canāt will it any further, too fearful of how childish itāll make him seem, how fucking scared, how absurd (Ā itās a perfectly natural fear, some conscience within him attempts to reason, though eclipsed by his prideĀ ) that someone like him should tremble at confined space. he jerks from the entrance, heels digging into the muddied trench, breaths hitching as panic sets his nerves ablaze.Ā
āĀ ----there has to be another way.Ā āĀ it ventures dangerously close to self-betrayal; four grits his jaw, exhales strained air.Ā āĀ we donāt know whatās on the other side. could be worse than this.Ā āĀ /Ā @duresce
Thereās still good in this worldā¦
wanlidasā.
this is just who he is,Ā the boy filled with so much optimism that he has no choice but to try to spread it.Ā itās always been natural to him,Ā something that never even felt so necessary until he had been met with the ground,Ā a place that people could so easily lose hope and faith in.Ā he was holding on,Ā doing his best to see the good in everything,Ā even when it was questionableĀ āāĀ even when people like graham seemed to have the opposite approach.Ā
thereās hope everywhereĀ -ā-Ā he just has to keep believing in it.Ā
and he knows that not everyone is going to agree with him.Ā he knows that some people read his optimism as something to speculate,Ā because thereās not a lot of it down here unless itās feigned,Ā or unless itās used towards something that could harm them all in the end.Ā still,Ā he tries āāĀ because this isnāt the place for enemies.Ā this is an opportunity for him,Ā to maybe finally get to know people other than his own best friend.Ā to work with them,Ā to build a new home with themĀ āāĀ to matter to other people,Ā too.Ā itās becoming increasingly more clear that itās not an easy task.
theyāre all strangers,Ā but they donāt have to be.Ā theyāre a community nowĀ ā-Ā Ā or at least they have to be,Ā they should be.Ā Ā heās attempting to make it feel like one,Ā trying to do it casuallyĀ āāĀ but itās an easier thought than it is put into action.Ā
āĀ yeah,Ā iĀ āāĀ i know. āĀ Ā no one ever seems to want to take it,Ā despite monty believing that he often times has valuable advice to share.Ā smart enough to succeed with the farmers and be recruited by engineers,Ā but that pride doesnāt do him much good when it comes to finding a common ground with the people heās with now.Ā
he clears his throat,Ā trying again.Ā āĀ i just know that itās a lot right now.Ā and i donāt think people should be afraid to say it.Ā āĀ just like he doesnāt think people should be afraid to admit theyāre afraid.Ā Ā they shouldnāt be afraid to admit that they miss their families,Ā or that they miss the ark,Ā or that they donāt know what to expect,Ā or that theyāre tired and hungry and confused and lost.Ā he wants that to be okay.
afraid. bellamy scoffs at the notion, so hard it must bruise his throat, a harsh, hateful noise that burns. afraid reminds him of his motherās bed-ridden pregnancy; afraid reminds him of ushering octavia into the closet crawlspace, wide-eyed and silent and nostrils dripping snot. afraid was the little boy holding onto his sisterās bony shoulders as their mother curled into herself as her life dripped from her wrists - since that day, bellamy hasnāt been afraid. thereās no closets on earth; no sharp-nosed and cruel-eyed carers of the center to stare at him in disgust; nothing to be scared of, no monsters in the night (Ā except for the earth-borns, some deep-embedded voice mocks; itās a caricature of his own, but untamed, and in it, bellamy can hear the vicious smile it wears. the earth-borns whoāll kill you and your sister and your brother and even this kid, tooĀ ).
his skin breaks on the sharp point of an arrowhead as his palm grinds into it - blood wells and pools in a rich crimson-black, trailing his wrist like a macabre stream cutting through the forest floor. he makes that sharp noise again that grates his throat and jerks his hand away from his ammunition, eyes trained into dagger-points undeservedly directed at monty.Ā āĀ you think iām scared?Ā āĀ bellamyās mouth puckers, expression rearranged into a portrait of rage - he knows itās unfair, that itās not an accusation, but still he strikes, a cornered snake with fangs bared but unable to conjure a follow-up - some rebuke to prove he isnāt or some insult to fill the void that shifts uncomfortably between them.
in the quiet moments following, bellamy seems to deflate a little; the red in his cheeks and the flare in his eyes seem to dull. he presses his wounded hand into his already-tattered shirt, smearing blood against dirt, unfazed by the sting it brings. he seems almost childish in that second; soft-gazed and with a tremble of a lip, he seems younger than monty, and scared, too - that dreadful fear that heās certain he vanquished years ago seeming to resurface, choking him, its teeth clamping down on his vocal chords and rendering him speechless.
but he recovers quickly, masking the sniveling beginnings of a cry with a hard-shelled laugh.Ā Ā āĀ just worry about being alive. you can be scared later.Ā āĀ
sabortoothsā.
his presence stillĀ unsettles her,Ā though rationally,Ā she knows heās done nothing wrong.Ā Ā Ā he might wear the green armor now,Ā but that doesnāt make him rita.Ā Ā she knows this,Ā but she canāt look at him without remembering her.Ā Ā Ā canāt look at him without the scars on her throat practically burningĀ from the memory of who put them there,Ā without hearing the splash of billy falling into the water,Ā without being reminded that she hasnāt gotten a good nightās sleep in monthsĀ because of rita repulsa.Ā Ā Ā none of this is his fault,Ā but she canāt change the way she feels about him anyway.
ā¹Ā Ā what do you want.Ā Ā āŗĀ Ā Ā her expression is intentionallyĀ cold,Ā unwelcoming ā-Ā Ā Ā something even worse than the way she looked at zack after he tackled her on the cliff,Ā the way she looked at kim when she apologized for pushing her offĀ them.
tommyās arms cross against his chest, hands stilled in a contemplative silence, a first for him - thereās barely a time when he doesnāt know what to say. heās conditioned to looks of pity, the twitch of a lip into an uncomfortable smile as someoneās eyes translate into the apologies he canāt hear - but a look as sharp as a knife, daggers pushing themselves into his skin, isnāt something he can meet, losing confidence like an injured balloon leaking helium. her hatredās red like the sunset ablaze on the horizon; he feels its heat, fuel for his regret simmering in the hollow of his throat, i shouldnāt be here the only thought that forms in the forefront of his mind: i shouldnāt be here, this is a mistake, the goddamn coin made a mistake.
gradually, cautiously, he untangles his arms; slender fingers flex, a nervous flutter.Ā ā¹Ā youāre the only one i can really talk toĀ -Ā āŗĀ he gives an inch of a smile, intended to be playful.Ā Ā ā¹Ā jasonās not very good yet. kinda slow.Ā Ā āŗ
he rubs his throat. thereās a sudden sensation of parchedness - it bobs as he swallows, hoping itās casual and not a declaration of the frayed state of his nerves.Ā Ā ā¹Ā but you're doing a good job teaching him. thanks for that.Ā Ā āŗ