The Unhinged Kitchen

Comedy recipe blog - proceed with caution. Ani, 30's. What are recipe measurements? Fall into my DM's, I'm friendly! Want to be alerted when new pieces drop? Turn on notifications ;)

[unhingedkitchen]

Welcome!

Hello there! You've made your way to the Unhinged Kitchen, where we take food seriously but not ourselves. To be alerted when a new recipe drops, please turn on notifications. Very generous of me to call these actual recipes, but okay.

Questions? DM me, I'm friendly!

Menu

Herbed Butter Roast Chicken

Show us your butt(ernut) - Savoury butternut squash

A song of rice and fire - Mushroom Risotto

NEW! Tuna times - Budget tuna patties

[unhingedkitchen]

Tuna times

For context this recipe features a guest appearance by my cat. His name is Seamus (or Shameless when he wakes me before 6am) and he's 12. He's a cranky old man yelling at me to get off his lawn, when it is in fact my lawn. 

Cat not necessary to make this recipe.

So. We've all had those moments when you look in the cupboard, see a few ingredients that have no business going together and think: "Well, shit."

This is an old recipe I devised in university and still make to this day. 

Ingredients

1x can tuna - in brine or water instead of oil because your cardiologist is out golfing. 

1x large egg

Half a medium onion.

1x medium potato, peeled

1x big pinch of parsley - dry like my jokes will work, but if you can do a fresh bunch that'd be awesome.

Salt and pepper to taste

A little oil in a pan for frying

Method

Open can of tuna, and immediately regret it as gross fish water spills over your hand. Decide that this is one of the many many disappointments you've had in your day and it does not matter. 

Hear cat belligerently meow next to you because the little shit heard a can opening. Tell cat you're literally in the middle of cooking and that he ate a few minutes ago. Get ignored by increasingly hostile cat who doubles down on the volume. Loudly shush him. Realise the meowing has stopped but that he is now looking at you with narrowed eyes as if plotting some misdeed. 

Chop onions finely while listening to Unchained Melody and pretend Patrick Swayze has his arms around you and is holding the knife and lovingly chopping with you. Cry a little harder than strictly necessary because, damn, that was a good movie.

Boil potato on the stove in some water, or pop it in the microwave. If you do the latter, please prick it several times with a fork so you don't nuke the inside of your appliance.

Into a bowl, add chopped onion, drained tuna, egg and mashed potato together and mix with fork. Season with salt and pepper.

Have fork halfway to your mouth before you realise you can't taste for seasoning because raw egg.

Chop parsley finely and add to mix. Shape into small patties and fry off until fully cooked, golden brown on each side. 

Enjoy with a little mayo dip!

[grogusmum]

Kinda a weird day, huh?thought I'd share some homemade cookies with everybody...

Nana's Lemons Snaps 🍋

[oonajaeadira]

I WANT.

[unhingedkitchen]

YUM Hazel! These look delightful 🤩

[unhingedkitchen]

A song of rice and fire

So up north it’s getting a little chilly, it seems. If you’re anything like me and your body cries for carbs the second that a) the mercury drops, b) there is a crisis c) you breathe air, then you might love Mushroom Risotto. 

Recommended music: Loverboy by Billy Ocean. Yes I went there and it's still a banger.

Ingredients

A cup Arborio rice (some brands just get right to the point and call it risotto rice and good for them). Don’t soak or wash it, just have it ready. 

1 litre chicken stock (or vegetarian if you’re keepin’ veggie). You’ll need to keep this warm. 

A punnet of big Portobello mushrooms. Those big brown ones. Not the small white button mushrooms. Not the *smacks hand*, NO. I said NOT the button mushrooms. 

Factoid: those little button mushrooms are actually just immature Portobello mushrooms - Agaricus bisporus. They're the same mushroom. With less personality. The more you know, folks. 

1.5 Tablespoons of butter

A splash of olive oil

A big onion

A fat clove of garlic or two small ones if you are not about that thicc life for some unknown reason. 

A few sprigs of Thyme if you have it, dry will do too. 

Some dry white wine, which is completely optional. Chenin Blanc or an unwooded Chardonnay will be great. 

Parmesan cheese. Now…I will admit that I like shortcuts as much as the next person but please don't use that pre-grated mystery "hard cheese" that you get in packets or bottles. 

It has the texture of yeasty grit and tastes nothing like cheese. A small wedge of actual Parmagiano Reggiano will go a long way (it lasts for multiple dishes) and a little grating over the finished risotto will have you smacking your lips. If Parmagiano isn't available, Pecorino Romano, Grana Padano or Pano Banano works too. Okay. that last one I made up. But cheese is serious business. 

*Puts soapbox away*

As you were. 

Method

First thing we're going to do is coax some stock from those 'shrooms. How? Wash and dry them, place them in a ceramic or glass dish, smooth side down. Lob a few pats of butter in there. No need to full-on Paula Deen them but don't be stingy. Toss your thyme in between. 

Oh shit, put the oven on. 180 degrees C or 355 F. 

Do little hip thrusts to the music while you wait for the oven to heat up. Dance a little. Check out the window if anyone's looking. Decide ultimately it doesn't matter and do those weird hand movements inevitably associated with 80s pop while you dance. 

Oven's ready. Place dish in the oven and wait for the shrooms to cook and release a magic liquid which tastes intensely of mushroom and umami happiness. Cook about 15-20 mins, then take the dish out of the oven. Keep the liquid aside, and wait for the shrooms to cool before slicing them thinly. 

Dice your onion and garlic finely, set aside. Heat a pot on the stove to medium heat, add olive oil, and when it's heated up, toss your onion in with a little salt and saute until it turns translucent. Add your garlic. 

This little mix is called a Sofrito. If you’re watching another rerun of Mando, you can enjoy your Pedrito while cooking your Sofrito. 

*coughs* I’ll see myself out. 

Add the rice to the pot. The rice will now toast and get coated in the oil and aromatics. Wonder when the last time was that you got coated in oil and aromatics and quickly Google Lush bath bombs while you’re stirring.

Once you start to see very slight browning, add a generous splash of the white wine, and for the love of goodness, do NOT lean over the pot while the alcohol cooks out or that warm ethanol will bitch-slap you right in the face.

If you want to determine if the alcohol is cooked out, use your hand to waft some steam your way. Once it stops smelling like alcohol, you’re good. 

Start adding your warm stock, one cup at a time. Pour the mushroom liquid into the risotto to let the rice soak up that delicious mushroom-y flavour. Keep stirring the rice gently until all the liquid has been absorbed. Then add another cup of stock. Season with black pepper and have a little taste for salt. 

Keep adding a cup at a time until the rice grains are fat and very slightly al dente. 

Now grab a grater or a microplane and get some of that delicious real cheese over the pot, and stir gently to incorporate. Settle in with your bowl of deliciousness to watch the rest of that Mandalorian episode and try not to drool all over yourself ;) 

[unhingedkitchen]

A song of rice and fire

So up north it’s getting a little chilly, it seems. If you’re anything like me and your body cries for carbs the second that a) the mercury drops, b) there is a crisis c) you breathe air, then you might love Mushroom Risotto. 

Recommended music: Loverboy by Billy Ocean. Yes I went there and it's still a banger.

Ingredients

A cup Arborio rice (some brands just get right to the point and call it risotto rice and good for them). Don’t soak or wash it, just have it ready. 

1 litre chicken stock (or vegetarian if you’re keepin’ veggie). You’ll need to keep this warm. 

A punnet of big Portobello mushrooms. Those big brown ones. Not the small white button mushrooms. Not the *smacks hand*, NO. I said NOT the button mushrooms. 

Factoid: those little button mushrooms are actually just immature Portobello mushrooms - Agaricus bisporus. They're the same mushroom. With less personality. The more you know, folks. 

1.5 Tablespoons of butter

A splash of olive oil

A big onion

A fat clove of garlic or two small ones if you are not about that thicc life for some unknown reason. 

A few sprigs of Thyme if you have it, dry will do too. 

Some dry white wine, which is completely optional. Chenin Blanc or an unwooded Chardonnay will be great. 

Parmesan cheese. Now…I will admit that I like shortcuts as much as the next person but please don't use that pre-grated mystery "hard cheese" that you get in packets or bottles. 

It has the texture of yeasty grit and tastes nothing like cheese. A small wedge of actual Parmagiano Reggiano will go a long way (it lasts for multiple dishes) and a little grating over the finished risotto will have you smacking your lips. If Parmagiano isn't available, Pecorino Romano, Grana Padano or Pano Banano works too. Okay. that last one I made up. But cheese is serious business. 

*Puts soapbox away*

As you were. 

Method

First thing we're going to do is coax some stock from those 'shrooms. How? Wash and dry them, place them in a ceramic or glass dish, smooth side down. Lob a few pats of butter in there. No need to full-on Paula Deen them but don't be stingy. Toss your thyme in between. 

Oh shit, put the oven on. 180 degrees C or 355 F. 

Do little hip thrusts to the music while you wait for the oven to heat up. Dance a little. Check out the window if anyone's looking. Decide ultimately it doesn't matter and do those weird hand movements inevitably associated with 80s pop while you dance. 

Oven's ready. Place dish in the oven and wait for the shrooms to cook and release a magic liquid which tastes intensely of mushroom and umami happiness. Cook about 15-20 mins, then take the dish out of the oven. Keep the liquid aside, and wait for the shrooms to cool before slicing them thinly. 

Dice your onion and garlic finely, set aside. Heat a pot on the stove to medium heat, add olive oil, and when it's heated up, toss your onion in with a little salt and saute until it turns translucent. Add your garlic. 

This little mix is called a Sofrito. If you’re watching another rerun of Mando, you can enjoy your Pedrito while cooking your Sofrito. 

*coughs* I’ll see myself out. 

Add the rice to the pot. The rice will now toast and get coated in the oil and aromatics. Wonder when the last time was that you got coated in oil and aromatics and quickly Google Lush bath bombs while you’re stirring.

Once you start to see very slight browning, add a generous splash of the white wine, and for the love of goodness, do NOT lean over the pot while the alcohol cooks out or that warm ethanol will bitch-slap you right in the face.

If you want to determine if the alcohol is cooked out, use your hand to waft some steam your way. Once it stops smelling like alcohol, you’re good. 

Start adding your warm stock, one cup at a time. Pour the mushroom liquid into the risotto to let the rice soak up that delicious mushroom-y flavour. Keep stirring the rice gently until all the liquid has been absorbed. Then add another cup of stock. Season with black pepper and have a little taste for salt. 

Keep adding a cup at a time until the rice grains are fat and very slightly al dente. 

Now grab a grater or a microplane and get some of that delicious real cheese over the pot, and stir gently to incorporate. Settle in with your bowl of deliciousness to watch the rest of that Mandalorian episode and try not to drool all over yourself ;) 

[mando-din-lorian]

Day 4 of drawing a Mando everyday.

And he’s a cook too!!

[chaoticinthekitchen]

Lesbento Day Two

Day two of my bento adventures! I have been converted to a believer in a wet batter fried chicken and nothing will ever make me go back to the egg and flour method. Ever.

This was hands down the crispiest fried chicken I've EVER made.

IN THE BOX:

Gluten-Free Fried Chicken

Coleslaw (Cabbage, Carrot, and Scallion. Dressing is Mayo, Sriracha, and Vinegar with Salt & Pepper)

Cucumber "Sandwiches" with Sliced Turkey and Mozzarella Cheese

Pomegranate Seeds

BBQ Sauce (Sweet Baby Rays) for dipping

Sriracha for dipping

[unhingedkitchen]

Show us your butt(ernut)

Veggies are important. They give you fibre, vitamins and a false sense of achievement, all of which you need to face daily life. If, like me, you grew up in a culture which adds sugar to veggies (yes really) you might not like it. 

Easy to fix, Muchacho. Especially with butternut squash. 

But also, maybe you do like that, and that’s also cool. No judgment here. What are we listening to today while cooking? Little Lies - Fleetwood Mac

Ingredients

Two cleaned halves of a butternut (or a pound of cubes) - if you choose death and go for a whole, unpeeled butternut, may the force be with you. That thing is HARD to process. 

Olive oil, or the oil of your choice, we’re easy here. 

Home-made spice rub: Mix together a dash of the following to taste - smoked paprika, dried parsley, onion powder, garlic powder, a pinch of celery salt, black pepper. If you’re feeling adventurous, add a pinch of cumin. The smokiness of the paprika works well with the naturally sweeter squash to amp up the savoury flavour. 

That leftover rosemary sprig from the chicken - I know you still have it. Don’t look at me like that. 

Method

Oven should be 180 degrees Celsius / 355 degrees Fahrenheit. 

Empty the bag of butternut cubes (or place the halved one, cut side up) in a roasting dish.

Note: If you’re using a stainless steel one, do yourself a favour and use baking paper / tinfoil otherwise you’ll Darth Vader your fingers trying to get that burnt stuff off later. 

Think that you’re going to be healthier than the recipe says and try olive oil cooking spray. Well la-di-da, aren’t you a domestic genius. Attempt to spray butternut. Inhale about 3ml of aerosol olive oil in the process and succumb to a coughing fit that makes the cat panic. 

Wheeze at him that you’re okay but when you try to pet him he runs away, now reassured that you are, in fact, still alive. 

Use olive oil like the recipe says in the first place. 

Toss your spice mixture on top and reach in to mix it around to ensure an even coating of oil and spice. Attempt to wash hands but get tap oily, like the hapless ‘before’ participants in the infomercial videos before they introduce the product they’re plugging. 

Toss the leftover rosemary sprigs in with the butternut and slide into the oven’s middle rack. There’s a joke in there somewhere about sliding into someone’s rack but we’re too virtuous with our vegetables to stoop that low. 

The cooking time varies wildly on your choice of butternut format and its thickness. Give it roughly 30 mins before you start opening the door every 10-15 mins and poking the butternut with a fork to see if it’s soft all the way through. You could also stare dejectedly at the now nearly cremated rosemary through the oven glass, but this is optional. 

Pull it out when it’s nicely browned, and fully fork-tender. It goes brilliantly on a bed of greens, some creamy feta cheese, red onion and roast pepitas if you’re looking for something light. If it’s chilly, serve as is with a protein of your choice. Or get totally engrossed in channeling your inner Christine McVie and eat later, both options work. 

[unhingedkitchen]

Herbed butter roast chicken

Today, in a bout of yearning for domestic bliss, we’re roasting a chicken. It feels like a roast chicken sits exactly at that junction of cosy homeliness, effortless housewife perfection and nutritious food that you actually want to eat. Just a disclaimer that the above pic is a stock pic because I'm shite at photography. But the end result looks like this.

If you’re looking for the full experience, at this point you’ll cue up the song Mall Rat from the Sims 1 soundtrack to achieve full perfect perky housewife vibes. And no, I won’t be taking questions on why I know the individual track names on the game. If you know, you know. 

Ingredients:

1x roasting chicken - free range if you can swing it, otherwise no biggie. Size is going to be up to you, as so few things in life are. 

1x Lemon

1x head of garlic

2 medium onions or one large one

Poultry rub (if you want a recipe for home-made DM me, it’s super simple to make at home) 

6-8 sprigs of thyme and rosemary

Three generous Tablespoons of butter, or a stick, depending on where in the world you live or regret living as the case may be. 

Two big handfuls of baby potatoes

Oven: Set to 200 degrees celsius / 425 Fahrenheit. Roasting time is 20 mins per 400g or little under a pound. 

Let’s go.

Method:

Place the chicken on the counter to come up to room temperature. Some chicks just have no chill and roast all the better for it.  Remove chicken from packaging and give that as well as the fresh produce a rinse under cool, running water. You thought I was going to say Cool Runnings, didn’t you? It’s okay, so did I. 

Washing the chicken is important to get all the butchery gunk off - even if you don’t see it, it’s there. Then pat it dry gently with a kitchen towel. Dry skin crisps up better. Realise that bits of kitchen towel are now stuck on chicken skin. Reevaluate life choices that lead you here.  

At this point Mall Rat would have skipped over to a track called Groceries. This is fine. Let it play. 

Grab a lemon and your herbs. Slice lemon in half, and stick that along with the thyme, rosemary and garlic into the chicken’s cavity. Marvel at how the chicken is as hollow as your soul but that no amount of herbs and citrus can heal you. Feel sad for a moment until you listen to the music again.

It’s aggressively cheery. 

Melt half of the butter in the microwave, or if you shun modern conveniences, the pan. If you’re feeling fancy, chuck a minced clove of garlic in there to subtly flavour the butter. Brush generously over chicken and get so engrossed in the task that you don’t notice that you have not turned the oven on yet. This will be a disappointing discovery once you realise it. Add some of the poultry rub into the remaining butter and mix.

Next bit is a little tricky - stick a sharp knife between the chicken breast and the skin to separate the two. Get under that skin the same way Geoff from Accounting gets under yours. Work spiced butter in there until it covers whole breast area. Might need some massaging.

Take your onions, give it a rough chop. Have a little cry and pretend the onions made you do it. Slice the leftover half lemon into wedges.

Place the onions in the roasting pan along with a halved head of garlic, sprigs of your herbs and those leftover lemon wedges. 

Wonder for a moment whether you should have saved one of those wedges for a bit of tequila. Realise it has touched onions so it’s probably too far gone, but make a mental note to do that next time. 

Take some twine (or regular non-minty dental floss, don’t judge me) and tie the chicken’s legs together. The official explanation for this is that it will stop the legs from burning while the meat is undercooked. I won’t go into the non-official explanation here but it involves Interpol and the patriarchy. 

Take the chicken and gently lay it down on top of the veg and herbs in the roasting tray, breast side up. Check that the oven is the correct temperature. Because you were a numpty and forgot to put it on until way too late, drink some water while you wait.  Also, halve those baby potatoes, salt ‘em, and toss it in the pan so it can roast in that delicious chicken fat. They will take around 30 mins max, so if you have a bigger bird, throw them in 30 mins before done. 

Finally, slide the roasting pan into the oven. Take out your oven mitts and this point and put them on the counter so you don’t try to touch the pan with bare hands like a certain author once did. 

Now leave it alone for an hour, go write some fanfic, come back to check on how things are going. Rudely, it won’t ask how things are going with you but no one’s perfect.

If the skin on the breasts are browning too quickly like a middle-aged, pale English lady on a beach in Ibiza, chuck a little square of foil on it to shield it from the hot rays of the oven. 

Take the oven mitts and remove the pan from the oven. Make a lil’ foil tent for it, and let it rest for 20 mins. Take a rest yourself, you deserved it. Decide to disregard this advice and refresh Tumblr again. 

Remove chicken from pan once it's rested and place on cutting board. 

Take the veggies out of the pan, squeeze the now sodden lemon until the juice drips into the pan too. Mix with whisk to incorporate. 

Add a sprinkling of cornflour or potato starch to thicken into gravy. Strain pan juices through a sieve, cheesecloth or your sanity, whichever is thinner at this point. Press down to squish any remaining bits of veg through to maximise flavour. 

Dish up, pour a lil gravy on the chicken slices and enjoy. Congratulate self on how awesome you are. You did it!