#unhinged kitchen

[goldenamaranthe-blog]

Unhinged Kitchen: Lucifer ft. Charlie

Lucifer: *standing at the kitchen counter with various ingredients around him* Hellooooooo, and welcome to Hazbin Hotel's Unhinged Kitchen! Where we will be going over the poor man, the bachelor, the college student way of cooking and baking for all your comfort foods!

Charlie: Dad, what are you doing?

Lucifer: Just teaching all the poor, forever alone Sinners how to cook and bake on a budget!

Vaggie: I think he's projecting, Babe....

Lucifer: *clears his throat* Have you ever wanted a nice, comforting, delicious, warm apple pie but don't have the money to pay for a whole one at the store? Well, today I'm going to show you all how to make cheap and easy apple crisp! All you're gonna need is some instant oats, butter, powdered cinnamon, vanilla extract, and a form of apples we will go over later. Oh! and light brown sugar if you wish!

First! Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit or 176 Celsius. *turns on oven.*

Next! You're gonna want to put a pot on the stove around medium heat, and then plop on in a whopping three sticks of butter!

Charlie: Three?!?! Dad!!! Are you sure that's right?!?!?!

Lucifer: Oh! Right! You may need that fourth stick of butter, so keep in on hand.

Charlie: *jaw drops*

Lucifer: Now, we're gonna melt these bad boys while sprinkling in cinnamon, light brown sugar, and vanilla extract. Not too much to start, mind you. Brown sugar should be maybe a spoon full. The rest is gonna be to taste after we get the oats in.

Charlie: *holding up five different types of spoons* WHICH SPOON?!?!?

Lucifer: Any of them. We adjust to taste later. ANYWAY!!! Stir all this together and add 18 ounces or one small container of quick oats! *pops open the lid of an oatmeal container and dumps everything into the pot before stirring everything together* Aaaaaaannnnd stir, baby, stir!!! We want these bad boys completely coated in the delicious butter mix! Soak up aaaaaaallllll that slick, buttery goodness! If you're still dry, don't worry! Add another stick and you'll be fine! Add more of your cinnamon or brown sugar or whatever until you like the taste.

Angel: HA!!! That's what she said!!!

Charlie: ......I'm worried about you, Dad.

Lucifer: Now that we have our evenly coated oats, we're going to make our apple mixture! But, apples are EXPENSIVE!!! And taking the time to cut and peel and core them is exhausting enough without having to fry or bake them in MORE butter and whatever.

Charlie: *burps uncomfortably* You mean... there could be MORE butter???

Niffty: YAY!!! BRING ON THE CHOLESTEROL!!!

Lucifer: So! We're going to take the easy way out! Apples may be expensive, but you know what isn't? APPLE PIE FILLING AND CANNED FRIED APPLES!!! *pulls out two cans of pie filling and two cans of fried apples before grabbing a can opener and popping open each can with a satisfying TSSSHHHHHHH!!!*

Alastor: *wendigo screeches in the distance* WHO IS DESACRATING THE HOLY SANCTITY THAT IS FRIED APPLES?!?!

Lucifer: SHUT IT, BELHOP!!! Anyway! Put the apple pie filling in the bottom of a 9x13 inch pan, or standard cake baking pan, then drain all the liquid out of the fried apples. *holds the tops of the cans closed as he drains the juice into the sink with a wet SCHLURP!!!*

Vaggie: ....Ew......

Lucifer: Might have to jiggle them a little bit to get all the juice out. *shakes the cans into the sink and a more rated-R sound fills the air*

Angel: Ha! No wonder why you call this the bachelor's baking! That sounds like-

Charlie: *covers her ears and groans* UuuUuUUUuuuuuUuUUuggghhh.....

Vaggie: *helps cover Charlie's ears* Lucifer, what the fuck?

Lucifer: Aaaaaaaannnnd!!! Dump into the pan! Now that we have the two types of apples in, we're going to take a page out of Carmilla Carmine's book and add a little love!

Charlie: Oh! Baking with love! That sounds nice!

Lucifer: *adds a little more cinnamon and vanilla to the mix before slapping his bare hand into the mix and swirling everything around with a slightly deranged look on his face*

Angel: .........Char.... I think your dad needs to get laid....

Vaggie: ......No amount of therapy will ever make this okay.....

Charlie: *dry heaving into the trash can*

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!! We are experiencing some technical difficulties. We apologize for the inconvenience. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!*

Lucifer: *standing with a freshly baked apple crisp on the counter and his hair in disarray* And THAT is how you make a poor man's apple crisp!

Hazbins: *shock and disgust*

[unhingedkitchen]

A song of rice and fire

So up north it’s getting a little chilly, it seems. If you’re anything like me and your body cries for carbs the second that a) the mercury drops, b) there is a crisis c) you breathe air, then you might love Mushroom Risotto. 

Recommended music: Loverboy by Billy Ocean. Yes I went there and it's still a banger.

Ingredients

A cup Arborio rice (some brands just get right to the point and call it risotto rice and good for them). Don’t soak or wash it, just have it ready. 

1 litre chicken stock (or vegetarian if you’re keepin’ veggie). You’ll need to keep this warm. 

A punnet of big Portobello mushrooms. Those big brown ones. Not the small white button mushrooms. Not the *smacks hand*, NO. I said NOT the button mushrooms. 

Factoid: those little button mushrooms are actually just immature Portobello mushrooms - Agaricus bisporus. They're the same mushroom. With less personality. The more you know, folks. 

1.5 Tablespoons of butter

A splash of olive oil

A big onion

A fat clove of garlic or two small ones if you are not about that thicc life for some unknown reason. 

A few sprigs of Thyme if you have it, dry will do too. 

Some dry white wine, which is completely optional. Chenin Blanc or an unwooded Chardonnay will be great. 

Parmesan cheese. Now…I will admit that I like shortcuts as much as the next person but please don't use that pre-grated mystery "hard cheese" that you get in packets or bottles. 

It has the texture of yeasty grit and tastes nothing like cheese. A small wedge of actual Parmagiano Reggiano will go a long way (it lasts for multiple dishes) and a little grating over the finished risotto will have you smacking your lips. If Parmagiano isn't available, Pecorino Romano, Grana Padano or Pano Banano works too. Okay. that last one I made up. But cheese is serious business. 

*Puts soapbox away*

As you were. 

Method

First thing we're going to do is coax some stock from those 'shrooms. How? Wash and dry them, place them in a ceramic or glass dish, smooth side down. Lob a few pats of butter in there. No need to full-on Paula Deen them but don't be stingy. Toss your thyme in between. 

Oh shit, put the oven on. 180 degrees C or 355 F. 

Do little hip thrusts to the music while you wait for the oven to heat up. Dance a little. Check out the window if anyone's looking. Decide ultimately it doesn't matter and do those weird hand movements inevitably associated with 80s pop while you dance. 

Oven's ready. Place dish in the oven and wait for the shrooms to cook and release a magic liquid which tastes intensely of mushroom and umami happiness. Cook about 15-20 mins, then take the dish out of the oven. Keep the liquid aside, and wait for the shrooms to cool before slicing them thinly. 

Dice your onion and garlic finely, set aside. Heat a pot on the stove to medium heat, add olive oil, and when it's heated up, toss your onion in with a little salt and saute until it turns translucent. Add your garlic. 

This little mix is called a Sofrito. If you’re watching another rerun of Mando, you can enjoy your Pedrito while cooking your Sofrito. 

*coughs* I’ll see myself out. 

Add the rice to the pot. The rice will now toast and get coated in the oil and aromatics. Wonder when the last time was that you got coated in oil and aromatics and quickly Google Lush bath bombs while you’re stirring.

Once you start to see very slight browning, add a generous splash of the white wine, and for the love of goodness, do NOT lean over the pot while the alcohol cooks out or that warm ethanol will bitch-slap you right in the face.

If you want to determine if the alcohol is cooked out, use your hand to waft some steam your way. Once it stops smelling like alcohol, you’re good. 

Start adding your warm stock, one cup at a time. Pour the mushroom liquid into the risotto to let the rice soak up that delicious mushroom-y flavour. Keep stirring the rice gently until all the liquid has been absorbed. Then add another cup of stock. Season with black pepper and have a little taste for salt. 

Keep adding a cup at a time until the rice grains are fat and very slightly al dente. 

Now grab a grater or a microplane and get some of that delicious real cheese over the pot, and stir gently to incorporate. Settle in with your bowl of deliciousness to watch the rest of that Mandalorian episode and try not to drool all over yourself ;)