May was one of the best, yet heartbreaking moments of my life because I finally graduated from college! I say heartbreaking because it honestly sucks not being in a place where I feel free 24/7... not that I don't feel free when I'm at home, but I miss making more precious memories with my friends and living the young college student life even though it has only been one month since I graduated.
I think what I miss so much about my college years is everything I have done that feels fulfilling now but in the moment, I was always worried about all of these things I was doing. I started a jewelry business, I was active in my extracurriculars, I continued my love for dance, I did many projects, and I made so many memories that I now look at through polaroids and memorabilia that I collected.
Even though I have been seeing my friends more, coming to the city here and there, living a calm post-grad life, I still fear the future and I don't know if I love change anymore. When I was 18, change was something I craved especially when high school was shitty (as it always is), but now as a 22 year old, it's something I dislike. Ever since my beloved dog, Hachi, passed away this past March, it has been a mix of emotions. The moment it happened felt like the end of the world and even after her passing, it still feels like the end of the world on some days.
I have been doing daily walks in my hometown, and I'm either high as fuck or I just give myself an excuse to go outside and not stay home. Lately these walks have been feeling depressing because I realized I have been doing all of this to stop myself from rotting at home. I also realized that I'm going on these long walks to fulfill the moments I didn't have with my dog. Sometimes, I cry on these walks or I just disassociate and as much as letting go of my emotions is a good thing, I just don't know what to feel anymore.
I feel like I lose myself on so many days, yet some days I feel like a winner. I hate this pressure of finding a job and making money. I hate that I lost my dog to cancer. I hate that I don't know how to drive. I hate making myself feel like shit and I hate that it's harder to feel happy. I hate that I am not what my 18 year old self imagined me to be post-grad. I hate so much on my life, but at the same time, life still feels possible.
One day at a time, I need to remember that change is the most confusing, yet fulfilling concept ever. Post-grad, I don't have to worry about school and now I can figure out what the fuck I want to do for the rest of my life and figure out what will make me happy. But, there is still fear in the art of "figuring out." This post-grad life is just me waking up late, getting high, going on these long daily walks doing nothing, and then rewatching the same YouTube videos I have been seeing for 3 years. To be honest, finding a job scares me. So many adult things that I dreamed about years ago is finally coming up in my life and it really is scary.
I remember the morning of graduation, me, my suitemate, my best friend, and two other friends were all smoking by the river near our school. After I took a hit, I just remember looking at the pastel colors in the sky and sobbing so much because there are just so many things I am going to miss in the 4 years that changed my life. I cried about how everything is over and I even cried about my dog. All of my friends consoled me, but I just remember this moment being such a core moment because even though everything is over, it pushes me to move forward. Moving on and moving forward are such two different things and I don't want to move on from this depressive state I've been in for weeks, but I want to move forward and adapt to the trauma that affected my life.
I hope a year from now... I am in my dream big boy job, I travel to places I've dreamed of when I was younger, I pursue my love for writing music and see where it goes, I don't worry about time or money all the time, I still keep my friendships and relationships close to my heart, I move forward from Hachi's death, and I hope I just keep loving myself... embracing these different versions of me even when I'm in the lowest place of my life. I hope a year from now, I can finally breathe properly and every day won't feel like the end of the world because I deserve to live a happy, memorable, and beautiful life.
If you are reading this, thank you for going through this trauma dump, but I have been feeling like shit recently and I hope others can relate to my emotions and thoughts regarding the post-grad life and how traumatic life events really do have an effect. I hope I don't keep losing myself more and more everyday and I promise myself to get out of this slump because even on days where I felt like I couldn't do it in the past, I still managed to do it. Change is power and I hope to do the things I dreamt of but thought were impossible. I will do everything with love and I will love everything I do. Thank you.
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