footnotes

this is my mess a public domain diary

[unkn0wnusererr0r]

It literally feels like there is something wrong with me, like I am fundamentally unworthy of love and adoration without the poison slipped in too.

[unkn0wnusererr0r]

the nothingness that death brings sounds so blissful. i cant do this anymore. im sorry. i know it makes me weak. i understand if im hated. i dont care. i cant do this anymore. im too alone, too empty, its too dark and nobody cares that im drowning or they are too busy with their own lives. which i dont blame them for. but i just cant anymore. all life does is continue to handle me lemons and i ran out of lemonade energy long ago. too tired to fake the sugary smile. my teeth rotting of citric acid, mouth raw and burning.

i love you.

goodnight.

[unkn0wnusererr0r]

I don’t know how to get around the obstacle of.. hating myself, of feeling like I am genuinely so horrible that I don’t deserve friends or a support system. I don’t know how to not feel like a burden when all I’ve been told is how annoying I am to be around and live in a house where literally everything is micromanaged and a big deal but also not at the same time. I feel so alone and isolated and I just want a single fucking friend. I just want someone to talk to. I go days without notifications and when ever I put in effort I’m almost always met with rejection. It feels pointless. I live robed in a wet blanket, soaked in shame and grief. I don’t ever see life not being painful.

[unkn0wnusererr0r]

The loneliness and constant rejection is going to kill me. No matter how horse my voice becomes the cries for help go literally unheard and it always turns into something that I’m at fault for..

[unkn0wnusererr0r]

I’m like a top spinning in chaos, it’s never gonna stop

[paper-wounds]

[unkn0wnusererr0r]

it might be stupid but i want a single person to be able to talk to, it sounds stupid even letting the thought leave my brain but im so fucking lonely

[unkn0wnusererr0r]

Nothing fills the lonely, not in a ‘I’m not trying way’ but in a ‘in a room full of people I can feel the echoes of everyone around me bouncing around inside me as if I’m an empty shell, a void’ kind of way.

[unkn0wnusererr0r]

I don’t know how to quite the constant noise in my brain - static or strings it’s all still loud

[valentina-poem]

[unkn0wnusererr0r]

I’m a pretty horrible person and wish I was dead. It’s selfish which just adds to my horrible but it’s true, I just wanna be dead.

[unkn0wnusererr0r]

If I could just sleep through the next 24 hours, that’d be ideal. Maybe it’s a blessing I’m sick, maybe it will knock me out for the whole day.

[talking-to-the-sun]

i don’t think you’ll ever really understand how your words and actions destroyed me.

[inkpressedpetals]

[unkn0wnusererr0r]

I’d give anything to go back and have one more good night

[vexheart]

[valentina-poem]