asteria

a collection of thoughts for the sun. she/her | 21

[talking-to-the-sun]

it’s always when i think things are going well that you decide to break me all over again.

[talking-to-the-sun]

i’ve forgotten what it was like to trust you.

[talking-to-the-sun]

i think you’d like it if i stayed in your shadow for the rest of my life.

[talking-to-the-sun]

i don’t know why i ever thought i could convince you to love me.

[talking-to-the-sun]

sometimes, i wonder if i would be more outgoing if i hadn’t grown up with you telling me to stop talking all the time.

[talking-to-the-sun]

when i was younger, i still thought you cared about me.

i miss that.

[talking-to-the-sun]

it took me a long time to realise that the things you said to me weren’t okay.

[talking-to-the-sun]

looking back, i don’t know if i ever felt safe around you.

[talking-to-the-sun]

i don’t know what hurts more, the fact that you said or that you meant it.

[talking-to-the-sun]

was the idea of loving me really as awful as you made it seem?

[talking-to-the-sun]

i gave up on trying to get you to understand that you hurt me when i realised that you weren’t listening.

[talking-to-the-sun]

i’ve begun to anticipate people hurting me when they start talking to me.

i think that’s your fault.

[talking-to-the-sun]

at this point, i’m so used to just letting you say the things that hurt me that the thought of standing up to you feels weird.

[talking-to-the-sun]

sometimes it feels like you care about me, and then you say something to remind me that it’s all an act.

[talking-to-the-sun]

i’ll always wonder if you set out to break me, or if that was an unintended consequence.

[talking-to-the-sun]

one day i might find the strength to stand up to you.

one day.

[talking-to-the-sun]

every time i feel like maybe i can step out of your shadow, you’re shoving me right back in.