I know I haven’t been around in a long time but I just need some place to rant that isn’t going to be seen by judgey people on my Facebook.
(Very sorry if the break didn’t work, I’m on mobile and don’t know how to do the thing without having to pull out a computer.)
So, it’s pretty established now that I fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Romantically, I really don’t care about gender; if I’m not getting my rocks off why should I care what you identify as in terms of building a romantic relationship? I know some people might have qualms with that but point is I don’t care about that, what I care about is whether I feel that connection/compatibility.
Recently with pride month I’ve actually seen a bit of asexual support, which is incredibly validating for me, realizing I’m not alone in the way I feel. It really takes a lot of reminding though that I’m not broken, because it really feels like it. So many of my peers around me are already happily married, and I just feel stuck in place.
I mean, I hate to be the one to say my challenges are worse than others, because I know I have a good bit of privledge. But the circumstances around me really are a bit harder than some others.
For those who may not know, I’m in the military. I’m happy with my job, no qualms. But the military is... a beast of its own. Sure, there’s plenty of people in the lgbt+ comminity here, both open and closeted. Issues come in places I think some people wouldn’t immediately think about.
First of all, I’m living in a foreign country. I’m trying to learn the language a bit here, but I’m honestly terrible at languages. I studied Spanish for years and never got the hang of it. And for those who say that “immersion helps!”, I don’t really have a lot of time to immerse myself. During the week I’m incredibly busy. On the weekends I need to recharge, I can handle being out and about shopping or maybe hanging out, but I can’t handle organized activity like clubs or something to get me involved with locals. Basically, if I want to meet someone here, I’m already a step behind because I can’t meet them on their own turf, I just feel bad expecting them step down to me, while I’m desperately trying to google translate and make myself seem at least not a total ignorant ass.
So why not look around the other Americans? Well, the military is very limited. For one thing, there’s just not that many people in the military. Think of this: 1% of Americans are in the military. Now from there, I’m on a foreign post, so maybe, let’s say, 1% of those people are in my area. Then, remove a good 98-99% of the people remaining because I can’t date outside my rank. Now consider that of those military that are here, in my rank, probably 50-75% are married by now. Of those remaining who are single, let’s say a very optimistic 10 currently on my post are even not going to instantly put me in the “weirdo” bin because I’m not a gym rat and would rather be at comic con. Of those 10, I still may not encounter any of them, because by nature, people at my level are scattered and very busy (Comic con is in about 2 weeks and there’s a high chance that of those of us going, I will be the only there of my rank). Now, let’s say I do encounter one of those 10. Just because they don’t instantlh write me off for crazy doesn’t mean we’ll be instant friends. It might be a one time encounter and we never cross paths again. We might understand each other, but not click. Okay, so even if I do make friends, there’s still the chance that 1. We won’t be romantically compatible 2. They won’t have interest in my gender 3. If they are interested in me, they may not be able to accept the asexual thing
Now, I know what some of you might think! The internet is a big place, I could meet someone here! Well... I’m not sure I’m ready for the distance thing again. Not that the last ended poorly, but it just... I don’t think I’m good at it. I judge myself for being a bad partner, I just lack the kind of closeness that I crave, and I’m already bad at maintaining virtual friendships, lord knows I’d probably accidentally ghost them for no other reason than I have nothing to talk about because I’m a boring person, and when I do talk about me I just feel like I’m making conversations too much about me... okay so that last one applies in person too, but basically it just stops me from talking to them even more, and thus shit falls apart. This is all on top of the reliance that I even find someone I’m interested in online. I’m not part of many communities anymore, if you’re reading this even you probably know I haven’t touched tumblr in a long time, and honestly my time wasted away on YouTube instead of finding new fandoms and interests.
And on top of that I have horrid social anxiety. I’m an ambivert who leans very mildly extrovert, so I have this tendency to take advantage of social interaction, then regret it later because I tend to over share and accidentally focus too much on me. I talked to a couple people today for a mandatory social event, and I’m still dwelling on how much I redirected things to me. I really did make an active attempt to talk about them, but it all flew out the window quickly after, and now I feel like an ass. So cool, let’s say I go out to a cafe, meet a nice person who’s chill with me being an ignorant American. Assuming I don’t drive them away, I probably will immediately assume I did and they were too nice to show it.
I’ve thought about getting involved in club culture, because alcohol loosens me up, but... it’s just such not an asexual thing? I’m afraid that I’d get the wrong kind of attention.
And the cream on the cake is that I’ve had body image issues recently. I’ve gained significant weight since high school and college, and not good weight. I’m terrible at diets, plus I’m living out of a hotel right now. But basically, my self image is hot garbage.
So... all this to say I feel like I’m caught in this corner of being lonely but afraid and nearly unable to reach out. Despite all the affirmation of my asexuality recently, I’ve questioned myself a lot. I’ve never had sex, and while I logically know that that’s not a qualified to know I’m ace, I’ve really considered forcing myself to be something I’m not for the sake of being more “normal”. And that scares me. Because it’s not that I WANT to try it, it’s that I feel so trapped that I feel like I HAVE to try it. The ace affirmation right now really does reaffirm me, and I’m so greatful for ace support, but it almost makes me feel even more trapped, because it’s making me realize that I don’t HAVE to try sex. But then what do I do? How do I find people? There’s not exactly an ace Tinder, and lord know even if there was, it’d be jack full of military fuk bois and people who are basically off limits to me. Everything feels like a rock and a hard place.
Okay, I think I’m done. I need to get sleep now, or at least try to quell the anxiety enough to rest.
