not a pierrot

pierrot. noun. a character in postmodern popular culture—in poetry, fiction, the visual arts, as well as works for the stage, screen, and concert hall—is that of the sad clown, pining for love of Columbine, who usually breaks his heart and leaves him for Harlequin.

[unlikely-pierrot]

fifty things

inspidered by six-under, a list of fifty things that i’ve learned from living. 

one. pretending to be strong doesn’t make you strong. strength is your attachment to life, the strength to live, how dearly you hold onto life. strength is how much you want to survive. strength isn’t your ability to bully others or your ability to lift weights. physical strength does not even measure against mental strength. stay strong. 

two. remove all the toxic people from your life.

three. keep your private life private. 

four. don’t trust everyone. 

five-fifty. take your own fucking advice. 

[unlikely-pierrot]

five. Stop falling in love. You just keep getting hurt and it's never worth it.

Six. If you fall in love, love them like you'll never love again.

Seven. If you want to die, don't. You're stronger for not giving in. Keep persevering. Life gets better.

Eight. Disconnect.

[unlikely-pierrot]

oct 31, 2017

I want to die

But not in the way that most people die

I just want to stop feeling

Then maybe i won't cry anymore

[unlikely-pierrot]

october 31, 2017

how do you feel the pain of dying without dying?

I just wanna see if I can die and still survive

Or see if that's what I'm feeling now

[unlikely-pierrot]

The worst feeling is when you don't think you're good enough. It's the feeling that even if you disappeared, it wouldn't change anything because you don't matter to anyone's life. It's the feeling that, despite it being half a year, I leave nothing behind.

[unlikely-pierrot]

I let myself go hungry so I remember to feel the pain.

[unlikely-pierrot]

Just kidding--- I don't think I can ever be satisfied because I always find things to be mad about. Right now I'm mad because I don't feel treasured or appreciated enough. I feel too easy. I feel like he never has to try for me and he doesn't bother trying to make me feel special. He thought it was just me being drunk mad but sometimes I can't express things that upset me unless I'm really drunk :/ I'm too busy maintaining appearances, otherwise.

[unlikely-pierrot]

Idk about forever, but I know that for now, I am content. Or maybe that's just what I've convinced myself to feel.

[moonlittmusings]

And there will be nights when your life will fall apart and no one will notice the mornings you spend putting it back together.

[unlikely-pierrot]

I hate phones because why am I even there with you if you just spend all your time engrossed by the Internet? I should've just gone home, but I didn't even have my car 🙃

[unlikely-pierrot]

Sometimes when I start to starve myself (mostly by accident) for an extended period of time, I begin to become too stubborn to eat. Part of me keeps wishing someone will notice. Part of me wants to keep punishing myself because no one will notice. When people speak for you without knowing---that angers me so much.

[unlikely-pierrot]

I asked and waited but you weren’t there. Did i even matter?

[unlikely-pierrot]

Why do I trust everyone? I let everyone inside and the only one hurt at the end is me.

[unlikely-pierrot]

Insidious is blind inception What's reality with all these questions? Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in) Broken legs but I chase perfection These walls are my blank expression My mind is a home I'm trapped in And it's lonely inside this mansion Yo my mind is a house with walls covered in lyrics They're all over the place, there's songs in the mirrors Written all over the floors, all over the chairs And you get the uncut version of life when I go downstairs That's where I write when I'm in a bad place and need to release And let out the version of NF you don't want to see I put holes in the walls with both of my fists 'til they bleed You might get a glimpse of how I cope with all this anger in me Physically abused, now that's the room that I don't want to be in That picture ain't blurry at all, I just don't want to see it And these walls ain't blank, I just think I don't want to see 'em But why not? I'm in here, so I might as well read 'em I gotta thank you for this anger that I carry around Wish I could take a match and burn this whole room to the ground Matter of fact I think I'm a burn this room right now So now this memory for some reason just won't come down You used to put me in the corner, so you could see the fear in my eyes Then took me downstairs and beat me 'til I screamed and I cried Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind But I'm a keep the door shut and lock the lyrics inside Insidious is blind inception What's reality with all these questions? Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in) Broken legs but I chase perfection These walls are my blank expression My mind is a home I'm trapped in And it's lonely inside this mansion (inside this mansion) Yo my mind is a house with walls covered in pain See my problem is I don't fix things I just try to repaint, cover em up, like it never happen Say I wish I could change. Are you confused? Come upstairs and I'll show you what I mean This room's full of regrets, just keeps getting fuller it seems The moment I walk in to it is the same moment that I wanna leave I get sick to my stomach every time I look at these things But it's hard to look past when this is the room where I sleep I look around. One of the worst things I wrote on these walls Was the moment I realized that I was losing my mom And one of the first things I wrote was "I wish I would've called" But I should just stop now, we ain't got enough room in this song And I regret the fact that I struggled trying to find who I am And I lie to myself and say I do the best that I can Shrug it off like it ain't nothing like it's out of my hands Then get ticked off whenever I see it affecting my plans And I regret watching these trust issues eat me alive And at the rate I'm going they'll probably still be there when I die Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind The question is: Will I ever clean the walls off in time? Insidious is blind inception What's reality with all these questions? Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in) Broken legs but I chase perfection These walls are my blank expression My mind is a home I'm trapped in And it's lonely inside this mansion (inside this mansion) So this part of my house, no one's been in it for years I built the safe room and I don't let no one in there Cause if I do, there's a chance That they might disappear and not come back And I admit I am emotionally scared to let anyone inside So I just leave my doors locked You might get other doors to open up but this doors not Cause I don't want you to have the opportunity to hurt me And I'll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me I'm barricaded inside So stop watching I'm not coming to the door So stop knocking, stop knocking I'm trapped here God keep saying I'm not locked in I chose this I am lost in my own conscience I know that shutting the world out ain't solving the problem But I didn't build this house because I thought it would solve 'em I built it because I thought that it would be safer in there But it's not, I'm not the only thing that's living in here Fear came to my house years ago I let 'em in Maybe that's the problem Cause I've been dealing with this ever since I thought that he would leave, but it's obvious he never did He must have picked the room and got comfortable and settled in Now I'm in the position it's either sit here and let him win Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can Cause in order to do that I'd have to open the doors Is that me or the fear talking? I don't know anymore

[unlikely-pierrot]

I promised you but you weren't there. Did it mean as much to you as it did to me? Lies Lies.

[unlikely-pierrot]

You can't be disappointed if you never had expectations. The worst part is when you start to trust and you get betrayed.

[unlikely-pierrot]

Sometimes I wonder if I travel so much because nowhere feels like the place for me. Sometimes, I wonder if travel is just an excuse to put everything off.

[unlikely-pierrot]

Now I wonder if travel is my way to find someplace better. What if there exists a place for me in this world and I just have yet to find it?

Or what if I have no place in this world and I have yet to acknowledge it?

[unlikely-pierrot]

insidious is blind inception

mansion by nf