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[unluckysunshine12]

Happy New Year

It’s almost the new year And I’ve made my resolutions. I’ve gotten out of bed And looked at the countdown.

We’re all so hopeful for change In the beginning of a year, The countdown brings excitement, If nothing else.

But I’ll be leaving everything that happened Over the past twelve months.

I’ll be saying goodbye to all the scars left on my body,

All the past midnights And my ugliest regrets.

All the dreams I forgot,

Everything that stayed on the tip of my tongue,

The stains on my favorite sweatshirt And the calendar I never updated.

The words I wrote and deleted,

Every step I took wishing I didn’t have too,

Every dark morning And every cold night.

Walking to class with linked arms,

Laughing until my stomach hurt,

All the stories I’ve told And the memories they’ve made.

Every book I’ve read,

Every poem I finished,

Every song I listened too And everything that made me cry.

Every silent confession,

Every butterfly in my stomach,

Every panic attack And every lie I told my mother.

All the blood I lost,

Every choice I made,

All the screaming fights And the pain they caused.

All the guilt that came from loving who I did,

Every bitten nail And scraped knee.

All the sweetness I tasted,

All the friends I made,

Every time I loved so hard it made me sick, I say goodbye too.

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The knife under my mattress.

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The headphones on my floor.

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The secrets I told my sister. The memories I unlocked.

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Happy New Year.

[unluckysunshine12]

I love you so much I want to cry.

I want to ugly sob into your shoulder As I scream that you have beautiful eyes And I know you all the way down to the cracks in your voice.

No part of it will ever be real Because of how you’ll be living your life, But I can almost see the backstage lights Where I would zip you into your costume. I can almost hear the music from the stage, Feel our arms wrapped around each other.

But all I’ll ever get is a hug And you’ll grow up and have children And you promised to name them after me.

We’ll probably drift apart And I’ll hate your boyfriend And you probably will too, But I’ll always remember our stupid inside jokes that aren’t even funny, I’ll never forget the hazel of your eyes And how your hand felt in mine.

[unluckysunshine12]

”The Sky”

The sun rises when she laughs, The waves crash when she cries, The wind sings when she speaks, The stars shine when she smiles, And it’s a different kind of hurt. I kind I’ve never felt before, One I don’t quite understand.

I try to drown it out With other reasons to be miserable, But it resurfaces after she says goodbye And I’m faced with my transparent reflection.

Because I know what I’m feeling Most of the time, I know how to make it go away And I know how to make it stronger. All but this one. This dull ache, The light I can’t quite see, The rope I can’t quite reach, The water drips from somewhere above It and it seeps through the walls I’ve put up, And my barriers and boundaries Slip away when she touches me.

I’ve been taught everything I feel, And I’ve taught myself a little extra, Because no two souls bleed the same pain.

Her, And everything she is made of And everything she makes me feel And everything I make myself feel for her Is colorful.

It’s soft, light green, It’s neon pink, It’s gold and blue But it doesn’t sparkle the same way her eyes do.

I’ve always felt for her, But I’m afraid of the way it’s changing. I’d hate to slip away from her, And I’d hate to take a risk That could change the cycle of healing and breaking, I shouldn’t be seeing things this way.

I’m sure it’s an illusion, It’s all made of glass. I’m simply looking through the wrong side, I have the wrong way of navigating this, Of her.

But oh, Her.

She takes my arm And we guide each other through this Cracked labyrinth, Both looking down, Always trusting that we’ll end up where we started. When it started, Back when I could digest friendship Without spitting confusion.

I wish everything would just stop, I wish I could be her friend. I wish she wasn’t so kind, And I wish she didn’t take my arm, And I wish she wasn’t so pretty, And I wish she could see herself, And I wish she didn’t forgive me, And I wish the colors she glows weren’t so beautiful, I wish I saw her in muted gray.

But I never have, I just don’t see that way. It’s my own problem, And she’ll never have to know. So I’ll cheat the labyrinth Without her arm, I’ll figure out what this feeling is And I’ll put a stop to it. I have too, Because I refuse to lose her as a friend.

So I’ll look away from the sun, I’ll float in the water to keep from drowning, The singing turns to screams turns to silence, And the stars are hidden behind clouds. It’s a different kind of hurt, Waiting for the colors to disappear.