When I was twelve years old I tried to kill myself, I ate a lot of pills and cut my wrists and eventually passed out due to blood loss. I woke up in a hospital bed a few days later, and I was so angry that it didn’t work, you know? I was forced to go to therapy by my doctor and my parents. Honestly it didn’t work at all, I pretended it did so that my parents would leave me alone but back then I didn’t want it to work, I just wanted to be sad for a while, which is ok. But the thing with recovery is that you have to want it, no you have to need it. Recovery doesn’t just happen overnight, you don’t just wake up one morning and go ‘I think I’m better now, looks like I’m not sad anymore’. Recovery starts with you and only you, looking at yourself in the mirror with tears streaming down your eyes and you’re not even sure why they’re there anymore. You hate what you see, but not for the usual reasons, you pull up your shorts and roll up your sweater and wonder what the fuck happened to you. Right then and there you make a decision, you can either let life fuck you up, or you can show life who’s boss. That’s step one to recovery.
Step two is confidence, you wake up every morning and say 'damn I’m looking good today’ even if you don’t mean it, especially if you don’t mean it. Fake it until you make it, learn to love who you are because if you don’t it will do a lot more harm then good.
A little something that you should know in advance, you will relapse. There is no doubt that you, at some point in your recovery, will relapse. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, because sometimes the demons don’t leave until a little blood is drawn. I’m not trying to make self harm sound ok, I’m just saying that if you do relapse, or when you relapse, you can’t think any less about yourself. Tomorrow is another day, you can always start again.
Step three is realizing that It never goes away. The thoughts still come back every once and a while. I still get urges to cut, and kill myself. But you need to fight with everything left in you, because there are some amazing things in this world, and when you’re ready, you will see them.
Don’t look for happiness, never ever search for happiness in another person, because you will always get hurt. Let happiness come to you, find joy in little things, like plants, animals or books and tv shows.
The best people I’ve ever met, are the people I met after I tried committing, after I found myself, after I stopped letting people walk all over me.
Be yourself and be strong, because I can’t stress how much pain you will be in if you aren’t.
If you are thinking that you aren’t strong enough, it’s true you aren’t, no one is. No level of training could ever prepare anyone for recovery. When you are recovering from something you are literally fighting for your own body back, you are fighting for your soul, for your mind, for your heart back.
You will get through this, that’s a fucking promise.
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