Ali’s gonna get personal... Hang on to ya’ panties.
I find myself sitting around writing stupid fluffy poetry tonight after watching Supernatural for the umpteenth time and scrolling through Tumblr making crass jokes about how unspeakably hot he is (and he is) but what I’ve learned about who he is and how he cares about the world and those in it, has changed a big part of me.
Now before you roll your eyes (I know you’re doing it, knock that shit off) understand that I’m not a person who follows celebrities. This is literally the first time I’ve fangirled this hard and absolutely the first time I’ve jumped headfirst into a fandom, but I just can’t help myself.
Several years ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Whatever you think you know about that disorder, throw it out the window and forget it - it’s garbage. What I can tell you is that up until that point I had been writing. It was the only way to flush all the emotions that drove me crazy all the time. My life was a hot mess. I was in the middle of a divorce and it was nasty as can be. At some point, I just stopped writing. Somehow I decided that it was making everything worse. I’m still not sure how that quite happened. (Thank you depression..) Regardless, I felt emotionally crippled. Frozen, to paint a picture of how hard it was to emote at all but I thought it was the right thing to do and decided to just be miserable because I was going to “rise above”. Thanks self help books…
At some point, while watching the show, I found myself enamored by this sort of emotionally juvenile angel and wondered what kind of person could portray someone like that. So, I started watching youtube videos of cons where he would talk about his life and experiences, how he felt about issues and the state of the world we were living in. There was power in the way he didn’t care what people thought and the way he could reach so many just by being genuine and in tune with the emotions that drove him.
That was the kicker. His emotions were “ok”. He allows himself to feel and I definitely wasn’t allowing that to happen in my own life. Somewhere along the way I came across a quote that was attributed to him. “Be kind to yourself so that you can be happy enough to be kind to the world.” (Ok, here’s where we go full chickflick) I wept. A goddamn dam broke and I wept. I hadn’t been kind to myself in years. I had given up the thing that made me feel the most like me, writing, and in so doing had lost a huge piece of myself.
A couple days after that, I started writing poetry again. Now, I let myself have bad days and on those days I do some of my best work. For me. I’m a happier human. I’m a better mother because I’m happier. I’m a better girlfriend to this amazing boy who puts up with my ridiculous fangirling, because I’m happier. I’m actively giving back in my community because my self worth is where it should be, because I know who I am and I’m happy. (I’m writing completely inappropriate, raunchy, delicious fanfic because how could you not…also..totally happy).
I could have stayed miserable and been ok…
but That’sNotWhoIFuckingAm.
It may be corny, but my silly life is better thanks to Misha and his incessant need to change the world.
turnnoffyourmind
pixelskylines
stormborns
jacobvanloon
jbbartram-illu
yousharknotpass
prguitarman
dailybridgerton
