Today, I was a butterfly. Iād never been a butterfly before, nor would I know if I were ever going to be a butterfly again. Despite that though, flying felt familiar; comfortable. I recognised the area, though I canāt recall where Iād seen it before. I remember fluttering through certain roads that looked hauntingly familiar, but I canāt remember where from. I wouldnāt say I had no control over where Iād go, but rather, it justā¦ felt right.
Another weird dream huh. This time it was in the presence of a butterfly, wings of midnight blue, as I watched it travel across my neighbourhood under the full moon. I mean, itās not like I havenāt dreamt of butterflies before; but unlike the other ones, this butterfly had a presence to it.
My car broke down today on my way to work, so I had to take the night bus home. This normally wouldnāt be an issue, except I had to stay late for work AND the fact that the main bus Iād take no longer functioned after midnight. At least I had the day off tomorrow to solve this stupid car issue. Todayās been a rough day in general, and itās driving me crazy that the fucking butterfly dream is stuck in my head. Just watching it flutter, again and again, from beginning to end. An intrusive thought is one thing but this one would JUST NOT leave.
As I walk from the bus stop towards my apartment, I notice the surroundings is familiar, too familiar. Iāve lived in this area for about two years now, and itās not like I havenāt walked here before, but this felt different. Normally, Iād take the main roads, staying away from any dark alleys and unlit areas ā for safety reasons of course, but I recall the butterfly, floating through this exact area. It didnāt take the normal routes I would take, instead turning into the daunting alleys and taking the backroads I normally wouldnāt.
āTeenage boyās body found in abandoned car.ā
Poor kid I thought to myself, watching the morning news in my new pyjamas that I JUST spilled coffee on. As I kept listening though, my hands began to freeze, sending chills down my entire body and staining the rest of my pjs.
āā¦found near the roundabout of Smithās Avenueā¦ ā¦autopsy reports show the victim was murdered around 12:20am...ā
Smithās Avenue? The closest main road Iād drive to work? The same one Iād normally take coming home from the bus stop? The same path I wouldāve taken last night had I not spontaneously followed a different route all because of a dream. Surely it was luck. Or just dĆ©jĆ vu. Thereās no way that body couldāve been mine had I gone the normal way, right?
Today I was a kitten, awoken by the early morning cold. My mother and siblings still asleep, tugging trying to feed themselves on her milk. I couldnāt fall back to sleep though, so I wandered the plains, running through the thick fog of winter dusk. I soon found myself near a small townhouse, not of humans, but other cats. They welcome me with warm purrs and feeding me fresh milk and fish, disappearing once the sun was in the sky.
My alarm really woke me up this early. 4:30 am? A whole hour earlier than my usual routine ā maybe I was half asleep while setting it up but I donāt think I can go back to bed. And these birds outside are chirping so damn loud thereās no way Iām getting another ounce of sleep. Maybe I should just head to work, at least that way Iāll get to catch up on the work thatās been piling on me since the day my car broke down. Leaving at 5:30 in the morning feels strange, I can barely see anything in this mist but on the bright side, the roads are somewhat empty. Guess Iāll be the first one at work today, reminds me of the times I used to come in early just to impress and suck up the management.
It's almost 7am and most of my colleagues should be here by now but so far, thereās only four people here, and one of them had to be my boss thatās been on my ass for the past week about some new project which wasnāt even assigned to our department. I see the HR lady talking to him, ā¦and now he's walking towards my office. Hopefully itās not about this damn project again, maybe I should put some headphones in and pretend like Iām working so heāll leave me alo- guess not.
āThereās been a massive multi-lane accident on Kingās Road. Some of our colleagues have been affected by this and will not be able to come in due to traffic blockage. You may take the day off if...ā
Turns out there was a drunk driver going over 70 mph that ran a red light into an oil truck around half past 6 in the morning. Over 14 casualties and counting according to Googleās latest results. Not sure what sane human drinks and drives that early in the morning, but what bothered me most was that this was my usual time commuting to work. There was a significantly high chance of that number being 15 had I woken up like I usually do. Iām suddenly reminded of the butterfly from 4 weeks ago, and the kitten last night. They both had the same eery presence to them that I still canāt quite put my finger on, but apart from that, there was no real correlation, right? I mean, sure the kitten was awoken early like I was, but nothing else stands out.
As I drove home, the dream kept replaying in my head, Iād watch this kitten wake up, wander off in the fog, and visit a townhouse of cats, eat, drink, disappear and repeat. It came to my realisation that the kitten was rewarded for waking up early and wandering off, before all its siblings, and getting to eat and drink free meals. Was I somehow rewarded, or rather, somehow avoided a fatal accident by being awake early and wandering off, or heading, to work?
A guardian angel looking out for me? Itās been appearing much more often, increasing in frequency over the last year or so, where certain animals, objects, even inconspicuous things like the wind or sunlight, had a weird presence to them. One time it was a bird that stared at my usual coffee shop for ages, and then flew away ā most likely telling me to not get coffee that following day. It took me 2 hours in the bathroom to understand that maybe I shouldnāt have drunk coffee that day. Another time it was in the form of the rain, heavy pouring rain. This time I listened, and had brought multiple umbrellas and raincoats with me to work. Did I mention I work in the fields now? Well, I work in the fields now, rarely in the office but occasionally I do have to go in to finish off some paperwork.
In the past 6 months or so, the presence has taken a form that it hasnāt before, a human. A woman, more beautiful than any Iād seen, deep hazel eyes and a smile that lit up her face. She would talk to me. Talk with me. At first, she only pointed, her hands glowing in certain directions, sometimes in the sky. Sometimes sheād stand, or float, in empty space, pointing to 4D diagrams, pictures, usually warning me of danger, or just things I should consider or approach in my day to day life. Itās not like Iām uncapable of doing my work or meeting new friends, but listening to her has helped improved my social circle and work life.
Eventually she spoke. Weād talk about each other, well, me mainly. It was weird talking to someone in my dream and vividly remembering every detail, but it was a good weird, one that made me comfortable and felt therapeutic. Iād listen to her speak in her soft, tender voice, about who she was, though she didnāt know much either. She said she wasnāt a guardian angel but a dream guardian. A presence that only speaks to you in your dreams ā she knew that much at least. She told me she didnāt know why she was here, but that she felt like there was something important to do regarding me. Something that drove her very existence to me.
At first I was curious, intrigued as to what mystic force would drive her to me. But eventually, I stopped losing interest as to why she was here, and just appreciated and enjoyed her company. It wasnāt physical, but it felt real. I asked her why she didnāt appear as a human from the very beginning, but I soon found out that wasnāt in her control. We came to the assumption that maybe I had to listen to her warnings more and trust its presence more for that to happen. I asked her why she felt so important to me, and yet so distant; she didnāt know. I asked her if sheād stay with me for the rest of my life, if sheād continue to appear in my dreams, but again, she didnāt know. Maybe once the āimportantā thing was completed, sheād disappear for good.
I didnāt want her to disappear, but I didnāt know what to do either. So, I let it be. Sheād visit me almost every night, and the mornings after not getting a visit from her, I found myself trying to go back to sleep for a chance to talk to her again. I never could though. Itās not like I could force myself to dream of her either. And when I did dream of her, it felt lucid, yet I was unable to control my surroundings or my own body to the extent I wanted it to. I wanted to hug her, or even just hold her hand and say thank you. Thank you for saving me countless of times, no matter how big or small it was. Itās not like I didnāt thank her every time I saw her, but it never felt sincere. I donāt think it couldāve felt sincere unless Iād hold her hands in mine and wept and cried telling her how much I appreciated her looking out for me.
Itās been an entire year since Iāve met her. And yes, Iāve managed to hold her hand and tell her all the things I wanted to say, and more. It felt like I was holding everything and nothing at the same time. It was so full and so heavy, yet so empty. The cosmic universe in the palm of my hands and the absence of everything simultaneously. She said she could feel nothing, and sheās felt nothing throughout all the times Iāve held her. I didnāt know if that was an insult at first, but she reassured me that dream guardians cannot feel anything, and that she understood and empathised with everything I said.
It's been three years since Iāve met her. She hasnāt shown up since then. Iāve dreamt of her and thought of her every day, but there was never that presence to her like the past. It wasnāt her. It was something I conjured up from my own thoughts and tried to manifest in my dream. The one Iāve been dreaming of isnāt my dream guardian. I missed her. Did she finally complete the important task she was assigned to? Did God, or whatever heavenly divinity that brought her to me, decide to finally take her back? If she was here to protect me and keep me happy, why have I felt so miserable? Why is she always on my mind? Her soft voice, her smile thatād light up her entire face, her hand that filled me with everything and nothing, her comfort and her worry. I missed everything.
I havenāt had proper sleep in weeks, Iām scared Iāll never see her again. I donāt want to conjure up a fake her from my obsessive thoughts and replace her. Iām scared Iāll no longer dream of her, and sheāll be gone forever, forgotten from my mind. Iām scared Iāll come to the point where I thought everything was just a hallucination or just a normal dream. That she was never real. No, Iām going to try to see her again soon. Tomorrow Iāll drive to the nearest pharmacy and buy the strongest sleeping pills in hopes that they can help me meet her again.
She appeared that night, but she was different. Her voice was weak and straining. Her face no longer carrying her smile that filled up my heart. And her eyes, lifeless. For the first time, she reached out her hand to hold mine. But it didnāt feel like everything and nothing, it feltā¦ real. It felt human. She begged me not to go tomorrow and take those pills, she begged me to forget about her and live the better life she helped me achieve. She said to not let her efforts go to waste, and that she would watch over me from above. She said she loved me. She loved me. She loved me. Again and again. I didnāt know it until that moment either, but I loved her too. I fell in love with my dream guardian, and I didnāt want to ever let her go.
I awoke this morning, crying, beating myself up for waking up so early. If I slept a little longer, I could be with her for a little longer. How could my own body be so against my own wishes? Falling in love with the woman of my dreams, literally. But I loved her more than any other person Iāve ever loved and felt more loved in that one dream than I ever felt before. I wanted to see her again, and Iām going to.
9pm. Thereās two bottles of sleeping pills in front of me. Iām going to meet her tonight again, and hopefully, I can stay with her for the rest of my life. Even if I have to take multiple bottles every night. Iām going to see her.
As I swallow one pill after another, I slowly find myself getting sleepier and sleepier, but I need more. I need as much time I can to be with her. Fighting to stay awake, I open the second bottle and start taking a handful of them at once. Iām sleepy, Iām falling asleep. Please wait for me.
It's been so long since Iāve been here, Iāve lost count. Maybe a few hours, maybe a few millennia, maybe since the beginning of time. What was I doing here? What amĀ I doing here? How did I get here? Who am I? Who was I before I got here? I want to know who, or what I am. Itās so dark, Iāve been wandering for so long, yet I donāt feel like Iāve moved at all. I donāt want to be here anymore. I want to go back to a time before I was here, before I forgot who I was.
Am I alive? Was I once alive? Is this the graveyard of the dead? I don't feel alive, nor do I feel dead. Is this where the forgotton are left behind? I see glimpses of a life, somewhere in the distant past, somewhere in another universe. Why was I so eager to rest? So eager to throw away my life? What for? To sleep? To meet something, or someone? Is this the realm for the souls that gave up on living? If it is, I don't want to be here. I don't want to give up on my life. I want to go back. I want to live a longer life, as long as I can. I'm sleepy. I close my eyes one last time.
...And some day, open them again. I donāt feel what Iāve felt before in the darkness, itās not dark at all. I feel nothing and yet, everything at the same time. I can see yet I sense Iām also being watched. I donāt know where I am, but these roads feel hauntingly familiar. I donāt know where Iām going, but wherever I go, it just feels right. Iām looking around, itās a full moon and Iām floating on wings, midnight blue, a butterfly.
