rants and ramblings

i'm tired // ventblog // tw: sh, ed, suicidal thoughts

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i forgot I had this blog lol. I'm doing a lot better nowadays. well, mostly better. still have tics and ADHD and depression and anorexia but it's a lot more manageable.

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I'm in uni now. moved out from home. I really would like to just fall back into old ed habits but my bf won't let me lmao.

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so uh. my dad died. 3 weeks ago. and idfk how to feel. what is grieving. am I not sad enough? am I too sad? i hate this.

it all feels so weird. I can't say the sentence "my dad died" out loud without breaking down.

he's had Alzheimer's for the last 10 years, was in a care home for the last 3. I haven't visited him once the entire time.

I knew he would die one day. of course. it was foreseeable. but somehow I believed he would just live forever. I haven't seen him in years but he was still alive the entire time. he was just somewhere else. and nothing in my immediate life really changes now that he's dead but it still feels so different. like. this is not real.

[alwaysamormio]

ଘ┊TW: MEANSPØ

Put the chips down.

You don't need it nor do you want it. Look down at that pathetic piece of flabby skin you call your stomach, don't you want to be able to look down and see your feet? you're beautiful hip bones? A smaller number on the scale? The cave of your slim stomach and not a fucking boulder? If you're really that hungry then eat smth better than that fatass that's not you're only option. Or not, do what you want, but don't cry when you look in the mirror and see how much fat you've let build, how chubby your face is, that flabby little muffin top that spills over all of your pants, the armpit fat that ruins all of your tanks, your massive legs that not even a grown man could fit 2 hands around. You won't just 'purge it later', that's an excuse. You would rather look like that forever right? You don't really want to be sk1nny, do you? Yeah exactly, put it down.

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my bf has a very close relationship to his parents, who are happily married and a very healthy couple. and every time I'm at his he's always very apologetic and worried that his parents are overbearing or that I think he's childish for talking to them so much.

and I'm like DUDE. my dad has had Alzheimer's since I was 13, my mom's entire life has revolved around taking care of him and also raising me and my brother as a more or less single mom since then until he was put into a care home 3 years ago, I have NO concept of healthy family dynamics.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR PARENTS. You're telling me you have a dad??? amazing. a mom that isn't constantly having to worry about how to pay the bills?? incredible. you have a functioning family, I don't think you understand how much I'd give for that. I love being at your house.

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so y'all remember that I recently got a boyfriend? I've been staying over at his place since Thursday this week and anyway, it's been great. but there's a few things I've noticed. I'm a queer afab person whose only dated women thus far (I've slept with men in the past but no long term relationships) and he's a cishet dude. he knows this, he respects me, there's no problem. yesterday he told me he never had to think about queerness and gender before but now that I've brought up the topic a few times, he's apparently having an identity crisis and doesn't quite understand it. and it's probably because all my life my friend group has been almost exclusively queer ppl who play with gender and sexuality like it's Barbie dolls but. I'm like. quite frankly shocked at the apparent cis straight experience of never questioning anything about your identity. so now I'm trying to introduce him to the most basic concepts of queer theory lmao. like step 1, gender is a social construct. that's where we're at.

and now the nsfw part: so yesterday while we were making out we did go further for the first time and he ate me out (which he was great at btw, a+, no notes, I came twice), and then later when i started to kiss down his stomach, I looked back up to him to check in and ask if he was okay with me going down on him and he was just looking at me like a deer stuck in headlines so of course I stopped. and he asked if we could just cuddle instead, which we did. and we had a talk.

the entire evening I had always been checking in with him if he was feeling comfortable, if he needed or wanted anything. and because of that he said that I was incredible. and so I came to the realisation that this dude has no idea about how consent works. but like only to his own detriment, he was very good at asking me if I was okay with everything beforehand. but apparently never made the connection that the same thing should be applied to him? that his partner should care about his comfort during sex? so I literally asked him what his past relationships were like because SOMETHING definitely went wrong there. and turns out his ex was a bit of a bitch (my words not his) who did not care about how he felt. so now I'm also starting to introduce him to the concept of consent and that yes means yes, and that an "I don't really know" is not yes, and things like. aftercare. and letting yourself be emotional and awkward during sex. so like. I can fix him. oh jesus fucking christ.

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went back through all the posts on this blog and realised I've been depressed since I was 14. Jesus fucking Christ, this illness really is a for life thing, huh?

[galaxywarp]

SHE STOLE MY BLUEBERRY!!!!

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She isn’t even eating it she’s just touching it gently

[intolerable-sushi]

"Gentle touch" colored pencil, marker, 2023

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got a pinched nerve or something in my arm and it's been fucking hurting all day. there's this feeling of pressure in my armpit and pain that radiates down my arm through my elbow all the way into the tips of my ring and pinky finger. it's been like a constant feeling of hitting your funny bone for the last 8 hours. ohhhhh my fucking god.

this isn't the first time this happened btw. the pain has been appearing almost every day for the last few months, but it has never stayed this long, normally only for 30 minutes at most.

I need to go see a doctor or something. fucking hell.

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another nightmare. this time it was a straight up horror movie where there were monsters who looked like regular people but if they couldn't see you as long as you didn't look them in the eyes. as soon as you made eye contact they'd kill you. humanity had almost died out, it was like a post apocalypse. everyone always had to wear sunglasses and we spent most of our days in hiding, not daring to go outside. also I could fly for some reason. really weird all over idk.

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went to pick up my stuff from my ex gf's place today. when she opened the door she was all smiles and like "hiiiii I'm happy to see you 🥰🥰🥰" and I just said "give me my stuff please" and left bc I can't take that shit. I'm so mad.

like. good for you that you're so happy now that you're finally rid of me but I actually cared about you for fucks sake. I've been fucking depressed and feeling so lost since you dumped me. I've started sh again after two years. I spent every day on the verge of an emotional break down and can't sleep BC I have to fucking cry so much. but. cool that you're happy. glad you moved on so easily. I'm so fucking angry and hurt all the time and you just seem happy to finally not have to put up with me anymore. fuck you.

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me, when my gf has a cold: *makes her soup, gets her chocolates, runs a hot bath for her*

my gf, when I'm literally bent over the kitchen sink throwing up: aw I'm so sorry *goes to bed*

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yeah we broke up

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me, when my gf has a cold: *makes her soup, gets her chocolates, runs a hot bath for her*

my gf, when I'm literally bent over the kitchen sink throwing up: aw I'm so sorry *goes to bed*

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tell me two months ago that you think I have adhd and I'd have laughed in your face. now I'm sitting here about to take my first dose of ritalin. jfc.

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I slept like shit and had a bunch of weird nightmares. like. my mom being terminally ill and there being a cure but refusing to take it and dying. falling of a bridge and breaking all my bones. repeatedly falling on my face with my bike until my face is a bloody pulp. being fucking gang raped and my father who I haven't seen in almost two years being blamed and arrested for it. wtf.

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I love my girlfriend so much. She cares for me so much. Recently I had a really shitty day and she called me in the middle of the night and asked if she should come over and be there for me. And she did. We talked about how I was feeling and it was the first time I really explained to her how my depression made me feel and act and all that. Having no energy, being kind of flakey, always overthinking and believing you hate me, not knowing how to handle emotions, low self worth etc. And she just looked at me and said "I want you to understand one thing. I understand, and you can always ask me for help."

And I thought oh shit here we go again, it's going to be one of those speeches that I hear in school twice a week, you understand and everything and you're sorry, but there's certain expectations and requirements you have, like me having to try to be better and being reliable and all that shit that my depression makes hard to impossible and that you also have needs and I have to think of you as well and that you have your own struggles and it won't always be possible to accommodate my special needs. I was so ready to once again nod along and go "I'm sorry, yeah, I know, I understand, I'm trying my best, I'll keep that in mind, I'm sorry" and never mention my feelings or complain again.

But she ended the sentence there. So I went "And now the but?"

and she looked at me confused for a second and just said "No but. Why would there be a but?"

And omg. I started crying out of disbelief and relief. This is some unconditional love bullshit. And that confused her even more, she asked if she'd said something wrong. and I was like NOO THE EXACT OPPOSITE. BRO. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD THIS FEELS. someone saying they'll be there for me no matter what and there are no requirements or conditions I have to meet. god I love my gf.

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wow I feel like shit