I love a lot of different medias. I have a few reoccurring themes I've noticed across various things I like.
I'm mostly writing this because it's been rattling inside my brain and i Need to
warning this gets really dark at points because I'm comparing my own life to the themes theres too many things to put trigger warnings for so just be careful AND DONT SAY I DIDNT WARN U TAKE CARE OF URSELF. (this is a threat /j)
also REALLY long
My Favorite Medias (That Are Relevant To This):
In Stars And Time (Siffrin)
Battle For Dream Island (Leafy)
The Amazing Digital Circus (Gangle)
Chonny's Charming Chaos Compendium (Soul)
[i have sections on my wall for each of these thats the real reason im using these 4]
...also these are all characters im kin with i could write whole individual essays on each of them . which i may do
Some Reoccurring Themes I've Seen:
Loneliness
Guilt
Self Hatred
Feeling Trapped
Trying To Heal
Communication
Self Sabotage
Overworking
Identity
Self Contrast
Cognitive Dissonance
also for some reason asymmetrical eyes (manager gangle; siffrins eyepatch; soul) but thats not a theme thats just a coincidence
Fear of Rejection
Kindness
All of them are mentally ill
(. this feels like a dsm-5 criteria /silly)
im. not going to write about all of them just the ones that i notice the strongest simularities
Loneliness:
There is SO MUCH to unpack with this one! (is probably going to say that about everything)
its also going to crossover with some other themes too because of the nature of this stuff
I don't know how to invite people over. and my friends rarely invite me to their houses. and there isn't many places to hangout. so i mostly talk to my friends through discord outside of school. ALTHOUGH I WENT TO MY FRIENDS THIS WEEKEND AND IT WAS PEAK (before that the last time had been october for a friends birthday)
During the 2nd half of 5th grade, and all of 6th grade I had almost no contact with any of my friends (Covid+This was before I had any social media) I was 'fully-remote' meaning it was fully at home for all of 6th grade, but during that year most people were 'hybrid learning' which meant most people at least went to physical school sometimes
And my grandma who was the one to 'teach' me during this time... was bad at it. And I lost motivation completely and started cheating on every assignment during this time since the teachers had no way of knowing anyways
Which affected me a lot more than some people realize because I only had my family during that time, who feel distant from me emotionally even if they try not to. (Generational trauma and stuff)
So when it was 7th grade and I came back to school when I saw my closest friend, I didn't recognize them at first because all the time so I waited for him to find me first once he got to school, and it took almost the whole day and I thought he had moved on from me (untrue. we are still friends to this day... despite everything)
During 7th grade I started being more aware of being bullied (although I had been for my entire time during school #latediagnosedautism+isolation) and started getting really self conscious as a mixture of my age at the time, and bullying ofc ; and I kept getting comments about how I was really small (because I have bad food habits)
Sometime in 7th grade I was doing so bad I attempted (thankfully it didn't work though. even if the way I tried was stupid as a whole and wouldn't of worked which again that's a good thing it didn't) and that's when my family realized I really needed therapy again (I had it in the past; but more temporary at the time because of when I was younger when mom and dad broke up and stuff I repressed a lot of that time period so. yeah) except it didn't help much for a while because I refused to share anything about how I felt unless the emotions were too strong to control or for trying to get sympathy
During 8th grade I started burning out ; + realizing people had been spreading rumors about me via overhearing one person say I had "pushed someones head into a locker" which was a complete lie and I'm sure there were more I didn't know about
Also during 8th grade I had lost a friend who I had been REALLY close with since pre-k ..... to reasons that were understandable I was Really toxic at this time but it was all I knew at the time
And so because of that I left my friend group discord server for several months and would always go to an empty table and avoided my friends because I thought they all hated me and wanted me dead and gone for being annoying I had REALLY bad mental health at the time
and then there was another attempt :[ which again; as I'm clearly here and typing this thankfully didn't work
I was actually hospitalized for a week for that one and everyone there hated me
During 9th grade I was put in a special ed class again because the burnout led to me having autistic meltdowns very often and this was before I started just dissociating during them (which is still bad, but its defense mechanism) and that class at the time it was the first year that program had a room that was in the school building (I had a choice; and I didn't want to risk leaving my friends because I'd rather die than do that) and since it was the first year though it was A LOT but I repressed the majority of it and I'm not digging through repressed memories for an essay that's just a recipe for bad
But because of this class; I saw people outside of my friendgroup even less, and I barely saw them in school anymore
During 10th grade I started feeling increasingly isolated; and also realizing how to avoid being bullied (which. is actually just dissociating. because it was a reaction they wanted and if I shut out all emotions they don't get one) I also was trying to avoid every negative feeling I had as well. and then may happened. i was really manic for some time, and it was the first time i had been while also being self aware of it not being normal (i thought it was adhd hyperactivity before because I have adhd too) and it was so obvious to everyone and then the summer of that year happened i was really unstable it sucked so bad
In the summer of that year though my Friends started feeling really distant from me but I don't know how accurate that actually is because again; i was really unstable at this time . i'm not diagnosed with bpd (even though I have a lot of signs of it ..... but my psychiatrist brushes everything off as autism or part of being a teenager and it's. so frustrating) so i'm not going to say for sure, but it was similar to splitting (or it could've been. but I don't know GRGRGR)
And then this year 11th grade; at the start of the year I was afraid people would remember how I was during that time when I was manic and I had also completely destroyed my sleep schedule and the beginning of the year was basically just anxious spiraling to the max. And during January this year I had another "nobody cares about me I'm not even a real person" spirals that lasted Too Long™ After some time though, I started trying to actually feel my feelings rather than the cycle of repress them; explode at people (ongoing process but me typing this out wouldn't of happened in the past. and me admitting that I'm still not the best rn wouldn't of happened because I had the kind of mindset of "if it's not rock bottom I'm doing good" which is unhealthy)
ive had friends since pre-k, but the vast majority of the time they feel distant and are only politely tolerating me but since I "had friends" for a while I invalidated my own self feeling lonely
ive also had A LOT of people be friends with me for some time and then just. stop talking to me. but there's also been times where it was my fault and cut people off so only the few people that are able to tolerate me doing that are still my friends which sucks me no likey ; so because of the amount of people that have done that I assume anyone who isn't [olive] (ive known since 1st grade) zepher (ive known since pre-k) or omni (ive known since 7th grade) are going to end up getting tired of me but even them i worry about sometimes. but. they are like me in the since of getting attached to people so that's probably not gonna happen the worst thatll happen is constant dry responses or lack of most responses!!! which already happens more often than id like it too!!! but. if their forced to deal with me (aka [olive] or omni having at least 1 class with me, although only [olive] does and it's only 1 class, and we used to have lunch together and when their lunch got changed i assumed he did it on purpose to avoid me but it turned out they ended up in a program in my area so schedule change)
but anyways background context done heres a tl;dr/the main point
everyone in my life feels distant; most people don't like me; and I've had a lot of time periods where I didn't have much social interaction and have a really bad tendency to self isolate
i shrivel up and die when im ignored or dismissed /silly but also /srs besides the. dying part thats obviously not literal
CONNECTIONS FROM MY LIFE TO THE MEDIAS I LIKE!!! YOU CAN PROBABLY FIGURE OUT THE SPECIFIC PARALLELS TO MY LIFE FROM THE BACKGROUND CONTEXT I GAVE!!! APPLIES TO THE STUFF ON THE OTHER THEMES TOO
siffrin:
Before Siffrin met The Party™ he was alone. They felt like nobody during this time. After meeting Mirabelle, Isabeau, Odile, and Bonnie he got really attached to them and didn't want to lose them.
That is so mecore
leafy (I'm using he/they pronouns for leafy because transmasc/nonbinary self projection beam go!)
He had a close friend (firey. who i hate). They didn't get let on to Dream Island, but EVERYBODY else did including Firey's longterm enemy. because of leafy not wanting to get burned alive on a ferris wheel..... so leafy stole island; boom everybody hates leafy, and he gets chased to yoyleland and is isolated for years and is desperate for a friend and to be liked and so clings on to 1 identity trait; being nice.
mecoreee
gangle:
Has felt alone in the past; felt like she doesn't belong; doesn't fit this specific theme as strongly methinks
Soul:
all of hms are socially isolated. but i dont have much to say about this theme with soul either
HEY GUYS CHECK OUT THIS POST FROM APRIL WHEN I WAS DOING REALLY BADLY!!! IF ANYONE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU IGNORE YOUR PROBLEMS FOR TO LONG HERE IT IS!!! I FUCKING CRINGE (literal sense kd the word ; cringe culture is dead im not using it in that way) AT THIS SO BAD
IM GOING THROUGH MY DRAFTS RN AND IM TIRED OF SEEING THIS BUT AGAIN ANOTHER DRAFT IM WEIRDLY SENTIMENTAL ABOUT AND CANT DELETE
behold: the unwell draft from april
halp ive been increasingly more manic for 9 days
i feel kind of not real life is game
i want to use dads credit card i want to buy every color of striped arm warmers BUT THE STUPID SECURITY THING
i like attention
i say makong this excat vopposijejejjsjss post pirvate
but also idk if im actually manic or just making myself think i am this could just be my defaulttt now maybe my personality is just different now
either way am i really that manic its not as much as people think it is probaly maybe im just a little bit sillyyymaxxing and im going to stay this way 4EVRRR beCAUSE THIS IS JUST WHO I AM AS A PERSON OM. ENTHUSAIATIC AND PASSIONATE AND EXTROVERTED YEAH THAST ME IM ENERGETIC BY DEFAULT. THIS IS TRUE.💥💥💥💥💥🦐🌈
life gamemode💥💥💥
i mean yeah theres been way more instances of me seeing things in the corner of my eye than there should be but naybe im just seing my hair ??? but its not hair??? so that doenst make sense??? my hair osnt even white or ghost-y whatever the fuck idk how to descifbe it i mean yeah i cut myself because itfelt like i was stuck in my skin and that it was wrong in a way i dont know how to word
ITS EXPLODING ZHRIMP ERA!!! 💥🦐💥🦐💥🦐💥🦐💥🦐💥🦐💥🦐💥🦐💥💥💥🦐💥🦐💥🦐💥🦐💥🦐💥🦐💥🦐💥😭💥🦐💥🦐💥🦐💥💥🦐💥💥🦐💥😭🦐💥🦐💥💥🦐😭💥😭💥😭💥😭💥😭💥😭💥🦐💥🦐🦐💥🦐💥🦐💥😁😁🪤😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌟🌟🌟🔥🔥🔥🔥✨✨✨✨✨🐟🐟🐟🐟🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🍫🍫🍫🍫✨🌟💦🌘💦🐐🧡🐐💙🧊⭐🧊⭐🌘⭐🐐⭐🌗🌑🤍💀⭐🌘🌘
edit: i typed the original version of this in april im just reusing it because im not typing ts again:
EDIT 2: NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF NOW I JUST HATE SEEING THIS IN MY DRAFTS AND I FEEL WEIRDLY SENTIMENTAL ABOUT IT AND CANT DELETE IT I JUST WASNT DOING WELL WHEN I TPED THIS
i just cant deal with this cycle anymore and i cant deal with how horrible i am and how awful i make everything for everyone else
i truly do care about some of my friends (riain, zepher, omni, abyss, sunny, zach and i even still care for some people that used to be friends to a small extent) but im not cared about the same way and me staying isnt helping anybody
things just keep getting worse
i can never catch a break
and i dont even feel real
i hope you all enjoyed the time with me you had
even if the chance of that being true slim
i have this post scheduled to be 2 weeks after when i plan to do it
i dont even deserve to stay everyone is better than me
i want to get closer to molly but she'll hate me once i do edit: i hate molly now
i lost amarah because of my selfishness edit: i hate amarah now
im always subtley mean to caitlin
im cruel to my family
and i just keep taking and taking from people while all i have to offer is shallow and false
riain if you see this; you always were my favorite person. yourw who i want to be. youre the highlight of my miserable days at school giving me enough fuel to last this long. i know you prefer zepher and omni over me though and its understandable why i drain you and i drain everybody like a parasite
i wish i could be as kind as you
im just a waste of everyones time energy and resources and all i do is yell and hurt people and make bad choices
its nothing against any of you i just don't havw a choice anymore and i have no control in my life and i feel judged every time i go in public even just in the hallway by everyone and every lunch it feels like everyone hates me and wants to make me upset and i cant even trust my own self and the shadow things have been more often edit: ok that was only during that time period those arent happening as often now #iwasdoingreallyfuckingbadly and i hate it i hate hate hate
im an impulsive selfish useless asshole
ive gone through so much and i can barely feel anything for most of it anymore and im just an empty shell of a person pretending to be someone
addons:
my head hurts
everything i make is shit
i never accomplish anything
the scars always remind me of how bad it can be
society isnt built for me
have my pinterest board which is basically a public diary which apparently is missing some of them for some reason even though i uploaded them
May 31, 2026 - Explore Lynx's board "my whispers" on Pinterest. See more ideas about bad songs, wrinkels, cursed objects.
@ (this originally tagged my friends so they wiuld see ot )
anyone else get pissed off when their parents think they know you better than they actually do. directed towards my dad mostly my mom knows me better than my dad does actually its all directed towards dad
"sorry for nit awnserering your texts ive been busy" (genuine)
"yayayay molly doesnt hate me she careees"
1 hour passes
"OH GOD MOLLY HATES ME AND ILL NEVER BE ANLE TO GET CLOSE TO HER
i need to get checked for bpd one day istg.....
if it wasnt for the fact that since im still a minor i wont be taken as seriously because ive brought it up before i think maybe to some people but not everyone but ive had people tell me its just normal teenage stuff :/ no it fucking isnt i am a very disordered individual most teens dont do. all the stuff i do that is associated with that
ITS PROBLEM AFTER PROBLEM.
itS ALWAYS FUCKING SOMETHING
how can. i talk about everything when i am so muchhhhhhhhd hdjd kill
can my family stop fucking getting me energy drinks they might seem innocent but they make it worse. just because i like them sometimes DOESNT MEAN MOM SHOULD BUY ONE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I GO TO HER HOUSE and that 1 i have at my grandparents CAN GRANDPA STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT IT IM TRYING TO AVOID CAFFEINE "you avoid caffeine" YES BECAUSE IM TRYING TO NOT GET MANIC AS OFTEN THE CRASH AFTER FUCKING SUCKS AND THEY MAKE IT WORSE JUST BECAUSE I DRINK ANEXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF CAFFEINE DURING THOSE TIMES DOESNT MEAN I CANT TRY TO AVOID IT
how am i supposed to actually start getting better with all these factors in my life making it worse
theres always fucking chaos in my life everywhere i feel so fucking alone my brother is selfish because he keeps his tv on at night and so its harder ro fall aslepe when im at moms house because our walls are thin at dads theres dads stupid fucking tv in the living room i just want to get better. I JUST WANT TO GET BETTER
I CANT WAIT UNTIL I CAN MOVE OUT SO I CAN ACTUALLY START GETTING BETTER IT FEELS LIKE MY FAMILY SABOTAGES ME ALL THE TIME LIKE DO THEY FUCKING CARE CAN THEY BE RESPONSIBLE. IM TRYING.
IM TIRED OF PEOPLE ACTING SURPRISED WHEN I TRY TO MAKE BETTER DECISIONS JUST BECAUSE I DONT USUALLY
IM TIRED OF EVERYTBING
IM JUST
SO TIRED
im exhausted even
im sick of reading my posts and messages to know my own fucking life im sick of looking through my sketchbooks all the time so i know who i am im sick of needing external sources for my own identity
im sick of not knowing how to be open with professionals or anyone who can actually help in general
im sick of my teachers never understanding and being stuck with dealing with them because they think their helping but their not
im sick of julie (i forgot the technical term but like part of my iep thingy because i originally needed her in 9th grade because that was before i started just dissociating when i get overstimulated or at every single mistake i make but since i do that now she just makes things worse she just makes me angry i wish i wasnt in rhe stupid rise program thing that is supposed to help but just makes it worse and isolates me even further because yeah classes seperate than most most of my classmates definitely not othering at all and definitely doesnt ruin any chance i have at veing able to not be dependent on just a few friends for emotional support and then draining them so fucking much) the reason why!!! she feels so patronizing a lot of the time and she never understands and because of her a lot of people think lesser of me and shes honestly just ableist sometimes (you know. youd think someone who works with people with mental disabilities of various kinds would not be ableist but UNFORTUNATELY the school system just is in general and the psych industry has its huge chunk of problems with that as well AND THEN PEOPLE WONDER WHY PEOPLE COMMIT SUICIDE)
im sick of not knowing how to hangout with people and just staying alone all the time because "ooh what if their busy and then get mad at me for asking" "what if im annoying" "i dont even deserve to go anyways" "what if their hanging out with someone else" "what if they want to avoid me and im just forcing them to make excuses"
im sick of everything
im sick of idolizing my friends
im sick of feeling like a rollercoaster in a rollercoaster
im sick of driving most friends away
im sick of hiding who i am with most people until i oversharw as soon as i trust them which is more like a flick of a switch rather than gradually and make them hate me
im sick of questioning everyones intentions
im sick of having my perspective of emotions being fucked up because of The Extremes™
im sick of feeling ackward by brainfog not letting me think of any conversation topics sometimes
im sick of some of the adults in my life making it about them when i vent WHEN IM VENTING TO TRY AND GET SYMPATHY OK. IM FUCKING DESPERATE FOR PEOPLE TO SHOW CARE BUT IM NOT MAD AT MY FRIENDS FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO ITS UNDERSTANDABLE AND ID BE A HYPOCRITE IF I WAS MAD AT THEM FOR THAG BUT THE ADULTS IN MY LIFE SHOULD AT LEAST BE ABLE TO
im sick of being seen as younger than i am
im sick of fakeass compliments from some specific people
im sick of overthinking
im sick of feeling sick of everything
im sick of using so many filler words
im sick of how indecipherable i get when im manic whichis a big reason i want to avoid thag (the main reason being how uncomfortable it can get; and the crash after; and also how i do risky things more like stealing from walmart just for fun for example)
im sick of having extremely low self worth
im just sick of being bipolar in general and also just being mentally ill in general i want to be healthy or at least feel ok can i please feel ok thatd be nice
im sick of bad memory
im sick of extreme guilt
im sick of self harm urges and suicidal thoughts
im sick of being forgetful
im sick of reminders of growing up
im sick of feeling judged everytime im in public
im sick of getting headaches
im sick of my joints hurting
im sick of how horrible i am at everything
im sick of how i make everything about myself
i hate how losing anna as a frienda ll the way back in 7th or 8th kr 9th grade affected me so bad
i hate how i used to get bullied
i hate hiw i still would be if i wasnt so isolated
me when one of my friends vents about something and i have to ignore the impulse to one up them (haha thanks shitty self worth) because thats not healthy for either of us and i dont want to be dismissive
vaporwave
dailybridgerton
yousharknotpass
annaxmalina
romaincrisis