Let's Rant

This whole blog basically has a trigger warning.

[unstabletwenties]

You Can't

You can't act like the victim when you're the abuser. You hurt me and never listened when I said no. You told me that what I was saying was stupid and that i wasn't thinking for myself. You manipulated me. I knew the signs and i had been warned but i didn't listen. Instead i believed you and now i'm the one who got hurt. I feel bad coming to this realization because what if you never knew you were abusing me?

[unstabletwenties]

How Many

How many times do i have to say no? How many times do i have to explain that i don't want that? How many times are you going to act like the victim when i tell you i don't want to have sex? How many times am i going yo keep letting this happen because it's easier just to do what you want?

[unstabletwenties]

Why does it matter to other people if i hurt myself? I'm still here. I just want to feel.

[unstabletwenties]

I'm lonely but not alone. I'm not happy in my relationship but I love him, so I stay. I know that I need to leave but I'm scared I won't. I shouldn't always be wanting more from my relationship, right? At this point my brain has decided the only option is to disappear. Maybe he won't be too hurt then?

[unstabletwenties]

Lost and lonely

It's almost midnight and i'm laying in bed wondering how long it would take anyone to realize i'm gone and not coming back. Not sure why the idea of just walking off in the middle of the night is so compelling. Maybe i'm tired and want to be as physically lost as i feel.

[unstabletwenties]

My boyfriend honestly just told me "shut up i don't care" when i was talking. I don't know why i'm so upset by this.

[unstabletwenties]

Disconnected

I'm disconnected from myself. I feel nothing so it's left me with wants of not existing. I feel like i need a good cry. I feel nauseated.

[unstabletwenties]

Casually Suicidal

I'm sitting the floor from the overwhelming anxiety that's flowing through my body like electricity. Everything feels so weird. I feel like i'm not even here, like i'm watching from another dimension. I want to die but have no will to act on it. I want to take all the pills in the cabinets. I want to be released from existence. I've accepted that this is who i am even though others tell me no.

[unstabletwenties]

I'm drunk and sad

*trigger warning*

The cuts on my leg are telling me to stop but my arms are asking me to start. Why?

[unstabletwenties]

That moment

Can you pinpoint that moment when everything changed? I can. It's ruined so much. I thought that everything was going to end up ok. If only everything went according to plan, but that's not how life is. Nothing goes according to plan. My plan went up in flames and two years later i still feel the pain. It's left deep scars that won't ever go away. I'm sad and alone with nothing but the ashes of what was once happiness. Funny thing is that i still don't regret it.

[unstabletwenties]

Why

*trigger warning*

Why is the knife not sharp enough? Why can't I seem to walk over that edge? Why isn't the rope long enough? Why won't my hand open these pills? Why won't the cars go faster? Why won't I do it? Why won't I kill myself, even if that's all I want? I want it to be over. I never want to bleed another drop or breathe another breath. I don't want to wake up anymore.

[unstabletwenties]

I want to go away

I want to go away. I'm tired of being here. I'm tired if breathing. I just want to go away. I'm not happy, even in the rare occasions that I am I know I'll go back to wanting to die. I'm trying to get my degree but I don't even know if I can. I don't have motivation to do my work. I don't even have motivation to move my body. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm so tired of even trying. It's just problem after problem. What's even the point? Why am I living if all I ever am is a failure and depressed? What's the point of living like that?

[unstabletwenties]

I can't stop thinking about whether I'm happy in my relationship or not. I still get sad over my ex and sometimes I miss him. In rare occasions I catch myself comparing my boyfriend to my ex and how the relationships differ. Does that mean that I don't actually love my boyfriend? Occasionally I cry about how things went down with my ex because he cheated on me. I feel awful for still getting upset about something that happened 6 months ago. I feel like it will scare away the boyfriend I have now. I don't want to lose him and I don't want him to feel bad about himself because of how I feel. A part of me is scared that I don't give a fuck about him at all and that I'm just using him. Why has this relationship anxiety popped up out of nowhere. If I'm not anxious about how I'm fucking everything up then I'm anxious that my boyfriend is cheating on me. I just want to be a good girlfriend to him and show him how much I love him. I'm just full of anxiety though.

[unstabletwenties]

I want to die

As I'm sitting on my bed in a dark room all I can think of is how much I wish I wasn't here. I want to disappear. I want to be nothing. I don't want to have to keep going on and telling myself everything is ok. I'm tired of who I am. I want to start over but I know I can't. I can't go a day without thinking about ways to kill myself. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I keep trying to get help and it seems to work for a little while but then it all comes crashing down again. I want to die. I want to die, but I won't. I know there's things to look forward to in life but it doesn't change the fact that i want to die. I will keep going because there's so much I haven't done yet and so much to experience. I want to die, but I won't.

[unstabletwenties]

Why

Why did you lie to me? Why was I not good enough for you? Why did you string me along and keep telling me you loved me when you actually found someone else? I gave you my heart and you carelessly tossed it over your shoulder. You were my first love and my first fuckboy experience. You should have told me the truth about her and let me go. I promised you were my only and my heart was just for you. You promised me that you’d stay loyal and love me and stay by side no matter what. How could you so easily lie to me. You told me I was your world and that you wanted to spend forever with me. You told me that you loved me. You dropped me like I was nothing once I found out the truth. You only pick me back up to find something to jack off to then leave. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted someone to love me. I trusted you and you didn’t give a damn about me. You don’t have the decency to tell me how long you’ve been with your “queen”. Why couldn’t I have been your queen. You were my king. You were my everything and I was just a body for you to get what you want then leave.

[unstabletwenties]

You Said

You said you’d never leave me. You said that I’m stuck with you. You said you’d always be my friend. You said I could never chase you away. You lied. You left me. You’re ignoring me. You’re pretending that I don’t exist. You’re acting like we weren’t friends for about two years. I’m sorry that I caused this with one wrong move. I miss you and I wish you missed me.

[unstabletwenties]

Too Depressed

I have so much stuff to do and yet all I can do is lay in bed and cry. I have homework and finals are coming up so I have to study. I just can’t though. I’m tired. I’m tired of being here. I want to go away. I want to disappear. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of the random mental breakdowns twice a week. I feel gross with myself. I don’t like how I look so I’ve cut down on the food I eat. My boyfriend wanted me to send him pictures of me yesterday and I did it but I felt gross afterwards. It triggered me and I actually ended up self harming. I’m just not happy and I’m tired of it. I considered killing myself the other day. Deep down I know I don’t really want to. I have things I want to accomplish with my life but in that moment I wanted nothing more than not being here. At this rate I don’t know what to do. I want to do my work and study. I want to pass my classes. I’m just so fucking depressed that I can’t even get out of bed.