untitled by m.

Poems, thoughts and stories. A creative outlet and free space to be open, honest and vulnerable.

[untitled-by-m]

april 30 2021

The autumn leaves give quite the show

A solemn reminder of things we know

That life flies fast in summers glow

But autumn’s thrill shows deaths last throes.

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april 29 2021

The most beautiful thing I can tell you

Is that without you, I feel that I failed you

I promised to keep you so safe

And give you everything that it takes

To make you smile everyday

And take all the sadness away

I’ll give you all my tender love

With understanding never dreamed of

So with souls bound together to guide us

And these memories alive to remind us

We can rise to a much higher love-

On the wings of the rarest most precious dove.

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april 2 2021

Old man pushing forty,

In truth he acts like a little boy,

Whooping with delight when he spies new Netflix flicks,

Laughing with joy, tagging “BLM” on overpass awnings;

With the others having fun taking kids to soccer games,

Standing alone staring at his image in his iPhone phone.

Tucked under his arm, an old sketchbook to draw,

Just like the time he first set out to school.

This is a modern adaptation of 12th century, Chinese poet Lu Yu’s “Written in a Carefree Mood”

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mar 20 2021

You think that you might know me but really...I think you don’t. A bombastic and fun gym instructor, I think naught. There’s layers to this person whether you believe that or not. There’s layers to this heart that I cannot be without. So if I break myself down and be self aware, you’d see a new person you never knew was there...who am I...?

I am broken but still quite alive. And I feel EVERYTHING, which I hate I can’t hide.

I share my true feelings, probably too much. Like faucet that keeps dripping, my mind will not hush.

People walk away from me for reasons I don’t know. I hate I can’t show them a world only I know.

I make rash decisions because I’m guided by passion. It’s gets me in trouble and I regret when that happens.

Speaking of regrets, trust me I have many. But accepting my mistakes means life lessons are aplenty.

Honestly, I remember EVERYONE and where they are in my life. And if you are wondering...I think of YOU every night.

When I see people cry or feel pain in their heart.  I’m begging to hold them because I’ve also been torn right apart.

I rarely say “no” to anyone in my life. For me to say “no” seems cruel and contrite.

I try so damn hard to be the best I can be. Because my own self doubt screams the loudest in me.

I love being wrong and asking many questions. I’m open to you, your life and your lessons.

I stare at the sky and dream about hope. It sounds lame and corny, but it’s true and helps my soul cope.

Sometimes I’m real quiet and get lost in my head. I promise I’m not sad, I’m dreaming of better times instead.

Real talk-  I care so much about life, that on cold rainy days, I move snails off the path so no harm comes their way.

And I’m dead serious when I write these damn words. Because I’m pleading to be heard and release all my truths to the world.

[untitled-by-m]

feb 28 2021

Todays the day I know I’m older, Time is slipping, got aches in shoulders. But really it’s just another day, though in that mirror I see more greys.

And that’s just the way life does turn, it’s tears you down- but still you learn. So that’s my lesson every year- “be your best, and have less fear”.

So hey, happy birthday to me again, I’m 41- so let’s begin. And if you wished me a birthday greeting, know ‘I love you’- no seriously, I’m not kidding.

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feb 19 2021

“The starry nights dread is silent and filled with still breath. This darkness it holds me, strangles me, and scares me half to death. But beneath its dark cover, a calm rests inside. It’s warm and unnerving and from it I can’t hide. This unwanted friend is strange and unsure. But it will not unravel, it’s intentions are so cruel.

So I wrestle with darkness and never feel safe. And this stranger is a mist, so ‘alone’ I must face. And the starry nights dread goes on through the night, until my last breath, and I dream of the light.”

You know, this story came unexpected, because it was never my intention. I started a love story though my heart wouldn’t listen. But writing is a bliss, it’s the escape that I need- I struggle with words and make the page bleed.

So I’ll write what I feel no matter the toll, for the thoughts that I write come from love, heart and soul. Because I want you to know me, and feel what I feel- I write so you hear me and know that I’m real 🖤.

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feb 14 2021

Love is the worlds most precious gift. A gift so powerful it intoxicate us, bewitches us and even control us.

It’s a gift that encompasses everything around us. It radiates an undying warmth that surrounds our hearts and fills us with the promise of hope, peace and life.

Love, sweet love, is truely the greatest gift we can give each other. I hope that this Valentine’s Day, if we stop to ponder that gift- we pause to cherish our own gift of love and who we give that gift too, even if it is only to ourselves.

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jan 25 2021

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in my own world.

My world full of random thoughts, ideas and feelings. At times it’s almost exhausting being “in” there. But I feel incredibly blessed to have found many physical and creative outlets to explore this world. I suppose there’s a lesson in there somewhere- about finding ways to live your life while giving yourself the space and time to reflect on your journey. I often wonder if other people take time to reflect? Do others have that natural curiosity to their world and love to explore it?

Maybe just me...? Or maybe you too?

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jan 1 2021

Next day gin greets biter and stale

Hangover has come without fail

Sit n’ reflect- in a bed I regret...

2020, it’s time I regale...

See, fires burnt earth everywhere

And we screamed “GET OFF OF HIS NECK!”

The Don whined “this isn’t fair”

And COVID...all the lives that you wrecked...

A year that broke us so badly

Time stolen, alone felt forever

We felt true defeat, yet cautious belief...

“Next year will surely be better?”

So hello to a precious two-one,

Rising in time with the sun.

Glad that you’re here, we WILL persevere

Twenty twenty, your story is done.

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nov 20 2020

I’m down. Broken.

Dead on arrival, left in the dirt and bloodied from the pain.

And I deserved it.

The people closest to me, I abandoned them. I lied to them, and I took their love for granted. All of them.

Instead of being honest, I thought I could keep it all together. Find the perfect balance of keeping everyone happy. But in the end, I only set everyone up to fail.

So I lost.

I lost love. Lost trust. Lost them. Lost me.

And in the depth of my despair, I fell. I blamed others for my actions, lied to myself about how “I was wronged” and put myself in destructive behaviours.

But I was wrong, and I knew it. There were problems and they needed to be fixed.

So I started. I studied, researched and learned about pain. About “why” I did what I did and who I was and who I could be with a lot of work.

I cried. I balled. I rarely laughed or smiled but I kept working. I had bad days. I had lonely days. I had days where I couldn’t stand the sight of myself. But I kept working. I kept willing myself forward. Amid all the pain, I trudged forward.

And I didn’t do it alone. The people who really love and care for me where there. They listened. They reached out. And they saved my life. Literally.

Our journey is never how we expect it. It’s never linear. We move forward and backwards, but we’re always learning if we’re open to it.

These lessons are the fruit we must bear to make sense of any of it. What else is there?

Most days, I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I think about these things when I could ignore the thoughts in my head and just live. But that’s not me. I want to know love again, and I want to share my crazy thoughts, playful insights and irrelevant thoughts with someone who knows me.

(unfinished)

[untitled-by-m]

nov 16 2020

Though you may walk alone through the darkest valleys in the journey of your life, know this...

Everything you've faced so far has prepared you for this moment.

The tools, experience and fortitude are all within you- now is merely the time to clear your mind of distraction, strengthen your resolve and put life's lessons to the test of helping you overcome once again.

You’re where you're supposed to be. Stronger than ever before and your story isn't finished, it's just the next chapter.

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nov 1 2020

The pain while searing will never last forever.

I know this, but often I can’t convince myself that it is true no matter how valiantly I try to detach myself from the stories that destroy me. I know, that I keep those both cherish and painful memories close to my heart. Always.

I have often felt that all past relationships live and breathe in my heart. My heart, in essence, become a large house, filled with the trinkets of the past, styles of the times and rooms filled with mementos of endless love and pain adoring their every inch.

This is my heart, my emotional house. My house therefore is the place I go every night. Where I sleep, dream and nest.

When I walk my through house, I notice the doors. Each one marking the unique contents within every room. They often stay locked but noise, warmth and light always pulsate beneath them, inviting a curiosity of the memories they hide beyond them.

But I know these rooms. They are not to be trifled with nor walked into or ever near without caution and pause. Curiosity killed the cat, but these rooms have much more power over me than that.

I have my house organised though. Down one hallway, stretches the rooms of past loves who have all taught me valuable lessons. These doors I happily walk to and peer inside. Gentle reminders of the man I was and how I’ve changed bring a calmness as I appreciate the growth I have taken.

But one hallway is dark. Dark because it is the longest and only one room resides at its end. This door is so very different. There is no light peeking beneath the door, only a sound. It’s a sound that I can only describe as a “sound that consumes noise into a silent void”. It’s as though something lives there that devours all noise and light.

This is the darkest place of my house and I fear it the most.

When ever I pass this hallway, I feel it’s chill run down my spine. Whenever I approach the hallway, I glance quickly to test my strength, hold my gaze for as long as I can and then run away.

I feel like a coward, but I also know the consequences of travelling too close.

(unfinished)

[untitled-by-m]

oct 26 2020

Dead air stays silently stale

For breathe cannot be held

Reaching for you- hate that I do,

"Mask- you're starting to smell..."

Walking through eerie sad streets

Strangers, rarely I meet

Eyes catching eyes, smiles hide inside

"Mask- I want to retreat"

Day after day, it's like this

Without even tiny a cough

Then COVID slows down, my happiness bounds

"Mask- it's time to fuck off"

Warmth slowly flooding long days

Heat becoming heavy a threat

Looking back now, all we sacrificed- how?

"Mask wearing, I'll never regret"

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jul 27 2020

A new day slowly rises.

It promises something good.

Loving the moments I spend with you.

Taking me someplace new.

Waiting to feel the sun.

Cold kisses caress my cheek.

Mask covering every breathe I take.

COVID moments I shall keep.

Finally the sun appears.

Bright and full of life.

Everything is calm right now.

Surely everything’s alright?

As sun beams down with grace.

Warmth melts away the grief.

It’s time to start the journey’s day.

And all the challenges I will meet.

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jul 22 2020

It’s hard to look at you sometimes.

A reflection hopelessly ageing with time.

And a bottomless barrage of doubts the scream inside...

“Your friends don’t like you."

“These seasons will break you."

“And I can’t stand to look you in the eye."

“See, you’re far too short,"

“And way too small,"

“Too fucking sensitive,"

“Plus what you say leaves me bored”.

Okay hold-up hold-up.

Gain perspective on my emotional closeup.

Cuz my momma will find it.

And the lurkers won’t ‘like’ it.

Plus they already think I’m kinda fucked up.

So yeah, I know I’m stronger than what I pen.

Proven it time and time again.

But fuck me when I'm low now and then.

Cuz this hateful reflection won’t ever let me win.

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jun 22 2020

This purple hue ignites the sky.

A perfect moment be not denied.

I stare and ponder with great delight.

Awestruck, my heart jumps with no contrite.

"Manny, just another day to show your light"

"Hell, you've felt this way your whole damn life"

"Okay, stand up tall,"

"Never afraid to fall,"

"And always live your life humble,"

"For your heart can bear it all."

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may 23 2020

The room deluge with darkness

Coldness crying pain

The door closes in behind him

He's scared, fear, he can't explain

Breathing heavy now

A heavy heart cannot contain

Fear being trapped forever

His screaming soul is all that remains

Head slumping slowly

As tears caress his face

"What chance for me have I really got?

For the pain I cannot erase..."

As pain wildly writhes

Light sneaks in with care

Piercing his deepening darkness

A light to dispel despair

The light magically murmurs

A warmth wakes a sinking spirit

Head lifting slowly-slowly

This hope, he prays, he can feel it

His hands reach through the darkness

Guided to gentle light

"I can’t wait for you to fill my soul

And make my world feel right"

"I’ll always remember you found me

Guiding me through endless nights

I’ll always remember to find you

When my spirit is lost in sight"