Untrue Baseball Facts

By Randy Johnson

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Buster Posey has seen several R-Rated movies. Including 101 Dalmatians, Air Bud, and The Santa Clause 2. 

He has no idea what "Rated R" means.

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Sometimes you forget how big of an idiot Curt Schilling is. Luckily, you're reminded every time he says something. Anything.

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Lyle Overbay is a record four-time holder of the Jose Canseco Award for doofus of the year, as voted on by the players and managers of Major League Baseball.

"Joe Borchard had a really strong year of being a complete moron in 2003, but then Overbay knocked it out of the park by claiming that he could breathe under water," said Jerry Manuel, himself a two-time winner of the Jose Canseco Award. "The idiocy of that man — just incredible. Astounding."

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In 1987 Mark Langston traveled to another dimension.

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After retiring from Major League Baseball, Bengie Molina vowed to raise money for his charity The Bengie Molina Tortoise Foundation by running the 2011 Turkey Trot in Arlington, TX. He never made it to the race, but has been carboloading at Denny's ever since.

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In 2008 Hideki Matsui demanded that the Yankees play his own composition "Body Rockin' on the Dance Floor" as his walk-up song. Allegedly, Matsui presented the song to GM Brian Cashman wearing only a leather vest. After a closed-door team meeting, which Matsui was not invited to, it was decided that he be sent down to Yankees' AAA affiliate Scranton/Wilkes-Barre.

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Tom Lampkins’ pre-game meal was always the same — one gallon of pancake batter, or as he liked to call it, “breakfast soup”.

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Luis "Brony" Sojo still holds the world title for "Largest My Little Pony figurine collection by a non classically athletic Venezuelan infielder."

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How did you really get that bird to explode?

Goddamnit David Bell! I've told you a million times -- I was framed. I would never hurt a bird. I would, if I could, make you explode though. Do the right thing, David Bell, pay back the money you owe me ($47).

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In 2012 Carl Crawford attempted to create his own “Anthony Wiener”-type “sexting” scandal. Unfortunately, for Crawford, he only has 14 followers on Twitter.

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After retiring from Major League Baseball, Fred McGriff accepted a role in the Tampa Bay Rays' front office as an advisor Raymond the mascot. He is paid entirely in amphetamines.

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Jeff Cirillo has done the forbidden dance (the lambada). Twice!

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Between the Japanese and American major leagues, Future Hall of Famer Ichiro Suzuki has amassed over 3,000 hits, 500 stolen bases, and 17 Golden Glove Awards. All while being mildly lactose intolerant.

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Minnesota Twins right fielder, and rebel, Kirby Puckett decided to decline health insurance coverage during the Twins' open enrollment period in March 1995. He found the $31 monthly deductible to be "exorbitant" and that he was going to "go at it [his] own damn self." On September 28, 1995, Puckett suffered a severe injury after being hit in the jaw by a fastball hit by Denis Martinez. He retired a few months later after being diagnosed with glaucoma.

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After a season-ending sports hernia surgery in 2009, Juan Uribe lost his ability to high five. 

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Much like cattle David Ortiz has a stomach with four compartments. On sunny days you can catch him grazing Fenway Park. When it's overcast he prefers to ruminate on various grains, soy, and growth hormones in the clubhouse.

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In a segment on CBS 60 Minutes, former Houston Astros first baseman Jeff Bagwell revealed that he had been raised by mountain goats in the Rocky Mountains. His hoofed caregivers taught him the importance of keeping a low center of gravity to strike against predators like wolverines, bears, and the Milwaukee Brewers. It also explains Bagwell's limited vocabulary, and propensity for goatees and nibbling on salt licks in the dugout.

No one knows exactly how old Jeff Bagwell is, but telling from his beard rings he should be in his mid-forties.