I See Stars In Your Eyes @urdismay - Tumblr Blog

To my m(a)oon

To my favorite object in the entire universe,

143. You might be the best thing that happened to me but right now, I don't know what to feel, I don't know what to think, and I don't know how much I am suffering again with this anxiety anymore. I don't want my depression phase again. This might end my life. This is going to be the 3rd time I am going to try and fcking k!ll myself and this time I will make sure I won’t survive.

Yesterday was my baby Jani’s 2nd bday in heaven. One of my worst days ever. One of my darkest days. One of my weakest days. But you made it look like it was a blessing in disguise. The agony turned to peace. My grief turned to joy. My misery turned to happiness. It did not happen swiftly but I’m ecstatic that it went on gently.

I AM STILL HOPING AND HOLDING FOR THIS LOVE. IF ONLY I COULD ASK YOU THIS NOW I WOULD HAVE DONE THAT NOW. I LOVE YOU AND ALL THESE CONFUSION, DOUBTING, AND OVERTHINKING WILL EVENTUALLY PAST. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MY M(A)OON.

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Unitled by sophiexholden

REGRETS.

Why do we have to regret things we did after we have done such things? Does it really have to be like that? Broken hearts. Sorrow. Pain. Hurt. Lies.

How you did find such impeccable love? In which time of your life did you meet your soulmates? Or have you found it yet? If yes, are you still together? Not yet, why? What are the regrets in your life you have right now? Regrets that you met them in a wrong place or wrong timing?

Regrets that you kept those walls? or Regrets that you were so open book. Regrets that you kept a secret or regrets that you were so truthful of your words. Regrets that you shouldve kept your feelings or regrets that you didn't take a risk?

Have you ever wonder, when we do wrongs how could you change something without regretting?

I hope we all find all the answers to your regrets.

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JANUARY 01, 2022

It’s the start of the year and I had this goal to write a blog and write on my journal every single day. I want to have something to look up to when I am about to give up and when I have another episode. AGAIN! The saddest part of having ‘episode’ is that, I hate being a burden, I hate it if I have to tell this to my friends they have to absorb the negativity I am about to give them. Today, I was the one who paid for our lunch and I was so happy, I've given a chance to spoil them.

Maybe someday, somehow, I’ll be the person whom they can always say “she got this”, that is like a music to my ears whenever I hear that from someone, especially those who’s very dear to me. I guess that would be one of the things that can make my heart flutter.

I had fun. The fun that I missed. The fun I had with my family.

My 2022 prayer. I don't wanna ask for more, I only want my lola’s healing and my family’s safety everyday.

<3 taconachos