Star Trek: The Next Generation S1 E22 “Skin of Evil” 43:41
DATA: Sir, the purpose of this gathering… confuses me.
DATA: My thoughts… are not for Tasha… but for myself. I keep thinking… how empty it will be without her presence. Did I miss the point?”
PICARD: No, you didn’t, Data. You got it.
Funerals have always been confusing times for me, and I think for many others as well. They aren’t simplistic rituals, no matter what culture is performing them. Sometimes they focus on the afterlife of whichever culture the person (or the person’s family) belong to. Sometimes they focus on the glorification of a certain god. Sometimes they are times to mourn, and sometimes they are times to celebrate. Often, they are both. But because the name and memories of the dead are so fresh and present to us, and because the ceremony often revolves in some way around the dead, it can seem that they are still present. Some people believe they actually are still present, due to some spiritual belief. It can be difficult to grieve or celebrate when you feel that the dead are still present. You can feel guilty for being sad, because you know that the dead, if they were still alive, would not want you to feel sad. You can feel guilty for not being as wrecked as you thought you would be. You can feel selfish for still being alive, or you can feel selfish for thinking more about yourself than about the dead. This can all get very complicated. People try to simplify it in various ways, but really, there is no simplification or easy balm. This person is gone from you. It will probably hurt. Maybe even for a long, long time. But the world keeps going on and you eventually will have to go along with it, or get dragged roughly behind it. It may feel suddenly that everything is going too fast, and you want the world to stop for a moment to let the dead catch up and return to you. But all these feelings - guilt, loneliness, grief, sadness, joy, emptiness, confusion, longing, pain - are all yours. And though the world cannot stop, sometimes you yourself have to stop for a little to let them all rush into you and find the right places to settle so little bits of you can start to heal. Like any emotion, these are not bad things. You just have to handle them with care.
But one feeling you should be wary of in these times is fear. The world can seem suddenly so much more dangerous and terrifying. If the life can be so quickly and ruthlessly ripped from someone you love, perhaps even without warning, then how can you ever feel safe again? The only - and, ultimately, most comforting - answer for this is that you were never safe. The world was always this dangerous. You were always in this much danger. And you still are. The scary thing is not that good things can be destroyed at any moment. That has always been true, and it is no more dangerous just because you realized it. The scary thing is that you might not fully appreciate and enjoy the good things before they are destroyed. There is no reason to pretend that anything will be around forever. This is why after a loved one dies, certain memories, objects, and people become more important to you. Because that is where the joy lies. You can remember the good things that this person brought to you, and in that way you can enjoy the dead forever, and you can better learn to find the good things in the present to enjoy them fully before they are gone.
“Death is that state in which one exists only in the memory of others. Which is why it is not an end. No goodbyes. Just good memories. Hailing frequencies closed, sir.”
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