The cast of Glee pay tribute to co-star Naya Rivera, who was found dead on July 13, 5 days after she was reported missing while boating with her son. She was 33 💕 RIP Naya
Naya. I need to share this somewhere because I don’t want what I have to say and what I feel about you to get lost. This emotion is raw.
I feel like so many other people right now: Absolutely confused and devastated. I didn’t know you personally. I just caught a glimpse of all that you were. And to me that small glimpse already hit like such a force that I can’t even begin to fathom what it would have felt like to know you entirely. What force you must have been and taking all those voices around the world into consideration, what force you still are to all of us.
The past few days have broken me. I went into a state of utter shock and despair. There wasn’t a second, I didn’t think of you and my heart ached deep inside my chest. That feeling hasn’t left and it’s one I know all too well. Almost a decade ago I lost one of the most important people in my life. I found myself lost and hopeless. There was nothing that would distract me, cheer me up or make me smile at that time. Then one day, just a few months after, I discovered Glee and for the first time in months I had a genuine smile on my face. For the first time in months I didn’t think of all the pain that was inside of me. This show was my way of escapism. It healed me. It healed me through its music and its wittiness. Naturally, with the discovery of Glee, came the discovery of you. And by naturally, I mean it was inevitable. The first time I ever saw you, you already had a special place in my heart. On the first look you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. From that day on, I just wished I’d look like you, but I always knew that I could never even compare to you in the slightest. Your beauty was beyond compare. On the second look I then got to witness parts of your talent. Up to this day your voice is my favorite. I don’t understand why it holds such power over me, but I have yet to discover a voice that touches me more deeply than yours.
How destiny has it, I started watching Glee again about a month ago after not watching it for years. It was because I felt like I needed some happiness in times like these. I feel like something inside me knew that: ‘Duh! Only Glee could put a smile on my face in 2020’. Funny how only now that I’m much older, I came to realize just how talented you really were. You were an amazing actress. The way you delivered your lines was the wittiest and most authentic on the show. You carried this show and elevated it so much. Your presence on screen was magnificent and you had this magnetic air about you that made me seek you out in every scene. So at the end of the day YOU put a smile on my face. Now that I read what people who knew you had to say about you it only makes sense. You were all that I assumed you to be.
The past few days I prayed for you to be alive. I wanted you to reunited with your family and friends again. However, most of all I wanted you to come back to your son. I knew I asked god for a miracle, but I really believed it. I manifested this line over and over again: ‘If you get lost you can always be found’. I then came to the realization that all I could ask him is to bring you home. Now that you came home, I still wish you had never left in the first place. But where I find some peace is that I asked god to bring you home and that’s what he did. You got lost, but god found you. Still, right now it’s hard to let you go. I don’t understand why you had to go so early, but I hope that everyone who loved you can find some peace now because I deeply believe that you’re at peace too. One thing is certain: you left being a hero in so many ways and I know you will protect your son from up above.
Funny, how right now I find myself at the same point I found myself when I first meet you. Absolutely heartbroken. I can’t believe that you’re gone. Naya, you were a light to me. You gave me warmth in times I needed it most. I hope god bathes you in the warmth of the sun and all the light that you were to me.
If someone reads this, whether you knew Naya or not: ‘The trouble it might drag you down, if you get lost you can always be found’
So while I’m lost and the trouble drags me down, I’ll keep on watching Glee again because I know that you somehow found me the last time. I know that when I see you, I’ll smile again.
there’s something so strange about grieving for someone you don’t even know. like, i’ve lost family members and close friends before, and i feel like my grief was allowed then because i knew them. i don’t know naya, i’ve never met naya. she’s not family, she’s not a friend, i literally have never spoken to her in my life. but i feel so, so sad and it’s making me feel selfish and i’m not sure how to process that. it just feels selfish to be so affected right now. idk what i’m really saying or what to do, idk what to do with these feelings. i just went for a walk but it didn’t help, i was just getting more and more upset and the more upset i got, the angrier i am with myself because this isn’t about me and it just feels so selfish to be so sad. i appreciate the texts/messages so much, but again it’s not about me and i don’t really know how to respond because of that. idk it’s just such a weird loss. i can’t even imagine how her family are feeling right now, please send all of your love and prayers to them
We are all put on this earth to be a service to others and I am grateful that for some, my Cheerios ponytail and sassy sashays may have given a little light to someone somewhere, who may have needed it. To everyone whose heartfelt stories I have heard, or read I thank you for truly enriching my life.
Hey!! So I stumbled across your page by accident once and I instantly fell in love with Love On The Brain!! I've since started reading your work on Ao3 so forgot to give feedback and really I just want to say thank you so much for writing another chapter!! I almost passed out with excitement!! Hope there is more to come
Hey anon,
thanks for the feedback! It’s always great to hear from people. I’m really grateful that you like it and that you’re still reading. I’m aware that it has been a while since I’ve updated once again and I’m really sorry. I don’t mean to keep you guys waiting, it’s just a factor of time right now :/ But this message gave me some motivation and I’ll to write a bit more. Thanks!! :) and the story really isn’t finished, so there is definitely more to come!
Here is a compilation of places to donate (IF you can, simply reblogging and sharing this can help) and petition to sign. I found these websites and organizations on twitter.
DONATIONS
THE MINNESOTA FREEDOM FUND: Donate to this to collect funds to pay jail bonds for the protesters who get arrested.
BLACK LIVES MATTER: An organization fighting for the BLM movement. Donate if you can.
BLACK VISIONS MN: an organization that is led by Black, Queer and Trans people. Donate if you can.
NAACP Legal Defense Fund: Fights for the overall equality fight. Donate if you can.
PETITIONS
Willie Simmons has spent 38 years in prison for a $9 robbery. He had two prior convictions similar to robbery that he served time for. He was prosecuted under the Alabama Habitual Offender law and was given a life sentence for his third strike - stealing 9 (NINE) dollars. Sign his petition.
Breonna Taylor was killed by police who were conducting an UNANNOUNCED drug raid, where they gave no request to enter. They bashed her door and entered, shooting her EIGHT times. They were in the WRONG HOUSE.
George Floyd was killed by a police officer who knelt on his neck and suffocated him to death, after George pleaded with the officer and told him he couldn’t breathe. The officer had pulled him from where he sat in his car on an alleged FORGERY. You can also text “FLOYD” to 55156
ARREST THE OFFICERS WHO KILLED GEORGE FLOYD: The main police officer who murdered George is being kept in PROTECTIVE CUSTODY. You probably have heard he was arrested, but this is NOT TRUE. He was placed under PROTECTIVE custody because of the riots and “threats” on his life.
If you know of ANY other organizations or petitions, PLEASE ADD TO THIS LIST. The fight for justice doesn’t end here, it will never end. Especially when the president of the United States calls white supremacists good people and protesters of a mans death THUGS. USE YOUR VOICE. NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE. FUCK COPS. FUCK “BLUE LIVES”. ALL BLACK LIVES MATTER!
the minnesota freedom fund is asking folks to donate to other organizations instead. the specific ones they listed are black visions, linked above, and these two:
northstar health collective, organized healthcare professionals working with anti-authoritarian groups
reclaim the block, a collective that aims to redistribute funding away from police and towards more community-oriented projects in minneapolis
these are the links i send to my facebook friends who keep running their mouths about “the protests hurting the community”
minnehaha food shelf & calvary church food shelf are both centered in the south minneapolis area where the riots started. the grocery stores in the area have been decimated, so food shelves and food insecurity charities need a lot of love right now.
northside funders group is a philanthropic group in the twin cities that’s using all its funds right now for helping local businesses
migizi is a native american media/history nonprofit whose office was destroyed in the riots
we love lake street is devoting funds specifically towards rebuilding the lake street area in south minneapolis
some more groups that could use your help
the healing justice foundation is a national nonprofit that’s specifically focusing on mental health resources for bipoc right now
ctul is a nonprofit focused on low-wage workers and workers rights in minnesota
mpd 150 is focused on policing and specifically trying to reroute the conversation from “we need to change police procedures” to “the police need structural reform”
the spiral collective is providing funds for supplies, medic kits, and other things that protesters will need on the ground
unicorn riot is a media collective that has had people on the ground filming every night in minneapolis
Hey guys, I'm back!! I'm truly sorry that I disappeared for a while. Life just got in the way and there was nothing I could do about it. Anyway, I hope some of you are still happy to read this. The story continues and I can promise it's not finished yet. Thanks for all of your messages. I'll try to be better again. I hope you're all healthy. Stay safe and take care!
The chapter is also up on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17576201/chapters/57760603
“Remember to take your medication.” Alex insists almost breathlessly.
The terminal is packed with people rushing past them to catch their flights. Alex checks their surroundings stressed before she makes eye contact again. Kelley grins at Alex, tilting her head to the side.
“Stop that.” Alex groans.
“Stop what?” Kelley grins.
“You think I’m going insane, don’t you?” Alex exhales.
“I wouldn’t dare.” Kelley laughs.
“Yeah, right.” Alex rolls her eyes.
“Stop stressing. I’ll be okay.” Kelley reassures her.
Alex bites her lip nervously.
“Alex.” Kelley says calmly, looking deep into her eyes and taking her hands into her own.
“I know. It’s just…you’re alone in Utah and-“
“Babe, I’m neither alone, nor fragile.” Kelley chuckles.
“Kel, I worry about you. Especially, after all of this.” Alex pouts, motioning down at Kelley who is still on crutches.
Kelley’s facial expression softens at that. She leans forward, pressing a kiss to Alex’s lips.
“I know, I’m still sorry, but I’ll be fine. I promise.” Kelley says softly, resting her forehead against Alex’s.
“I’m going to miss you so much.” Alex says sadly, pulling Kelley into a hug.
“I’m going to miss you the most.” Kelley replies, closing her eyes and breathing in the scent of Alex’s shampoo before placing a kiss above her ear.
Alex’s grip on Kelley tightens at that. They stay in a tight embrace for quite a while before Kelley pulls away slightly.
“Don’t forget me.” Kelley winks.
Alex grips onto the nape of her neck and looks at her sadly.
“All I’m ever thinking about is you.” Alex whispers, looking at her insistently, gently stroking her fingers across Kelley’s skin.
They meet halfway for a meaningful kiss and this time Alex is the one to pull away.
“You’re going to miss your flight.”
“You’re right.” Kelley says, leaning down to pick up her bag.
Alex helps securing it across Kelley’s body so she can still walk on the crutches.
“I’ll see you in Orlando in a few weeks.”
Alex bites her lip and smiles, “I can’t wait. Call me when you landed safely.”
They kiss goodbye, but after that Kelley still doesn’t move, looking at Alex expectantly.
“What?” Alex laughs confused.
“You forgot something.” Kelley says, turning her cheek to Alex and pointing at it.
“How could I?” Alex rolls her eyes and leans forward to place a kiss on Kelley’s cheek, but just when she is about to, Kelley kisses her cheek first and starts walking backwards with a sly grin.
“You’re unbelievable, O’Hara.” Alex shakes her head, not able to hide the huge smile on her face.
“I love you.” Kelley calls loudly, heading for her gate.
“I love you too, but please don’t walk backwards on crutches.” Alex stresses.
Kelley waves one more time and then turns around and disappears behind the corner. Alex sighs loudly, instantly feeling the heaviness of Kelley’s absence deep in her heart. She knows one thing for sure: These weeks are going to be really hard.
Once they are back to their respective club schedules, talking to each other gets more complicated. Kelley is busy with trying to recover as fast as possible and Alex tries to improve everyday so she peaks at the World Cup. However, they try to squeeze in a FaceTime call every free minute they get.
Kelley stretches and looks at her watch.
“Alright, you have a team meeting in half an hour and I’m holding you up. Time to say goodbye.”
“God, you’re right. I don’t even know what day it is anymore. All this training is putting me into a bubble. I have another session with Dave tonight.” Alex smiles.
“Didn’t you have one this morning as well?” Kelley frowns.
“Yeah, but I asked for another one. I need to do some more shooting.”
“Alex chill. Do I need to start worrying about you?” Kelley grins.
“Stop exaggerating.” Alex complains.
“I’m just saying. Your work ethic is getting to a point where it scares me.” she chuckles.
Alex sighs, “Am I doing too much?”
Kelley’s expression turns serious.
“Well, how are you feeling physically?”
“I can’t complain. At first it was exhausting, but I think I got past that point.”
“Doesn’t sound too bad. How are you feeling mentally then?”
Alex takes some time to think of her answer and it’s all Kelley needs as a confirmation. However, she waits for Alex to speak on it.
“Stressed to be honest.” she says looking at Kelley with something that tells Kelley that she hasn’t spoken to anybody about this up until now.
“How about slowing down a bit, Al? Doesn’t mean you have to stop all of your individual training. Just adjust so you have some time to yourself.” Kelley says softly, “You know, it will benefit no one if you are burned out by the time the World Cup comes around.”
Alex nods at Kelley in agreement, “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll call Dave.”
“Sounds good.” Kelley smiles softly.
“Thanks.” Alex smiles back.
“You are oh so welcome, beautiful.” Kelley winks.
Alex looks at her for a long moment, eying her closely, comfortable silence between them.
“It gets harder you know?”
“I think you’re doing great, Al. You’re going to be in perfect shape right on time and Dave is doing an amazing-“
“I meant saying goodbye to you.” Alex interrupts Kelley calmly but her eyes are displaying the sadness she is feeling.
Kelley lets out a deep breath, rubbing her hands through her face distressed, “Al.”
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“No! What are you apologizing for? You’re completely right, Al. Don’t you dare apologize.” Kelley insists, “I just- I don’t know what to do about it either and it drives me insane.”
“We’re just miserable, aren’t we?” Alex says with a hint of a smile on her face.
“Ugh, the worst.” Kelley groans.
The smiles appear on their faces again as soon as they make eye contact.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. I can call tomorrow.” Alex pouts.
“No no, we had a date.” Kelley yawns frowning, “I just must have fallen asleep.”
“How was your day?” Alex asks softly.
“Absolutely dreadful.” Kelley groans hiding her face in her arm.
“What happened?”
“I just felt like I made so much progress the last few weeks and now I’ve come to a point where everything remains the same. It’s the worst.”
“Kel, I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to be patient. You’re going to get there, I promise. There are going to be ups and downs, remember? You said so yourself. You need to hang in there. It will be worth it babe.”
“Let’s hope so. It’s just been a very shitty week.” Kelley grimaces.
Alex looks at her uneasily and Kelley can detect the worry in Alex’s eyes.
“But I’ll be as good as new for the Utah vs. Orlando game to kick your ass.” Kelley grins slyly.
“You wish! This is what’s going to happen O’Hara: I’m going to kick YOUR ass in the game and if you’re lucky enough I’ll at least play on the other flank so it won’t be you who gets embarrassed in front of our home crowd.” Alex says cockily, making Kelley laugh out loudly.
“Dream on! I’m known for my talent not my luck. However, I’ll definitely need all my luck after the game that weekend.”
“And why is that?” Alex raises an eyebrow.
“Because it’ll take a whole lot of luck to get laid after I won the game.” Kelley grins.
“Be careful with your words or you’ll really need luck in the bedroom.” Alex rolls her eyes.
“Baby, don’t get things mixed up. I need luck to get there. No luck required once I’m there. As I said I’m know for my talent, especially my after-game talent.” Kelley winks.
“Oh my god.” Alex laughs loudly.
“Just you, me and the bedroom. Or the shower,” Kelley jokes.
“Oh my god, shut up!” Alex laughs.
“or the sofa, or the kitchen counter,”
“Stop it!”
“Coffee table? I’d even be happy with the car, or what about the-“
“Kel!” Alex has tears in her eyes from laughing that hard and Kelley smiles contently.
“You’re an idiot.” Alex shakes her head, recovering from her laughter.
“But I’m your idiot.” Kelley counters as she makes herself comfortable again.
Alex looks at her with a huge smile. She doesn’t answer but her look says it all.
“Tell me about your week.” Kelley smiles serenely, her eyes falling shut for a second.
“Kelley are you sure we shouldn’t reschedule? You look exhausted.”
“No, tell me. Hearing your voice always cheers me up.”
“Alright then. Well, things are going much better. I finally feel like I’ve reached a good balance and it’s starting to show in training.” Alex smiles bashfully, biting her lip.
“Amazing. That’s really great, Al.” Kelley mumbles with a proud smile, her eyes getting smaller and smaller with every passing second, causing Alex to smile at her brightly, shaking her head.
“Babe.” Alex chuckles with a knowing look.
“I’m awake.” she declares weakly.
“Of course you are. Are you free for a quick call at 11 tomorrow?”
“Hmm, I think the staff scheduled a meeting tomorrow at 10:30, I’ll-“ Kelley starts, but her voice starts to fade as her eyes close completely.
Kelley visibly tries fighting the sleep.
“Shhh, just go back to sleep, pretty.” Alex whispers gently and soothingly.
Kelley falls silent and Alex just watches her as she lies there peacefully. The distressed expression she wore earlier is gone.
“I miss you so much.” Kelley mumbles all of the sudden, not able to reopen her eyes as sleep overcomes her.
“Good work, ladies! 2-minute break. Go hydrate!” the coach yells.
Sweat is glistening on Alex’s skin as she makes her way to the sidelines to grab a water bottle. It’s a particular hot day in Orlando and even though Alex loves the heat, she wishes herself back to New York for a moment. She drops down on the bench and grabs a towel from her bag to wipe the sweat. She quickly grabs her phone to take a look at her schedule but gets distracted when she sees her home screen.
4 missed calls from Kel 🐯❤️
Kel 🐯❤️ [11:23 am]: Can you call me back?
Alex quickly texts her back.
Alex ❤️👑 [12:05 pm]: Can’t right now. In the middle of training. Are you okay? xx
Kel 🐯❤️ [12:05 pm]: Right, sorry. Just call me when you’re free.
Alex looks at her phone worried.
“Alex! We don’t have all day.” Ashlyn calls from afar.
Alex looks up from her phone absentmindedly, “Eh, yeah coming.”
Ashlyn and Ali exchange a concerned look before looking at Alex again.
“What?” Alex asks.
“You okay, boo? You look a bit distraught.”
“Something’s off with Kelley.” Alex mumbles before jogging past her and trying to get her mind back on track.
Alex hits call the moment she arrives in the locker room. She goes to a corner where it’s a bit quieter because the rest of the team is chatting and laughing loudly.
“Hey.” Kelley says somberly.
“What happened?” Alex asks immediately.
“Are you alone?”
“No, I’m in the locker room.”
Kelley exhales heavily, “I’ll call you later then.”
“Wait. Let me go into the cleat room, it should be empty.”
“No no, let’s talk another time.” Kelley grumbles.
“Kelley, just spit it out.” Alex urges enervated, leaning on the doorframe of the empty cleat room.
There is a short pause but then Kelley speaks up.
“They won’t let me come to Orlando for the game.” she says bitterly.
Alex drops the phone from her ear. She leans her head against her forearm and closes her eyes. There is silence between them for what seems like an eternity.
“Alex? Are you still there?” she hears distantly from the phone in her hand, the loud laughing of her teammates almost drowning it out completely.
She enters the cleat room to create more distance to her teammates. Alex tries to stay composed by breathing in and out as calmly as she can before putting the phone back to her ear.
“Alex?”
“I fucking knew this was going to happen.”
It comes out more bitter than she thought it would and for a moment she is stunned by her own anger.
“I’m sorry.” Kelley says sadly.
“Why does this always happen, Kel?” Alex asks desperately, “It’s like the universe always wants to keep us apart.”
“I know that you’re mad, but-“ Kelley starts.
“Mad?? I’m not mad, Kelley. I’m disappointed. It’s just all taking a fucking toll on me.” Alex exclaims strained.
“Alex I’m sorry. I wanted to come really badly. But at least we’ll still get to see each other for the wedding.”
“What wedding?” Alex irritated.
There is silence on the other end yet again.
“Are you serious right now?” Kelley asks on edge.
“What Kelley?!” Alex snaps.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Kelley exclaims and Alex can hear her hitting her hand on something she assumes to be a table.
“My cousins wedding on the 3rd Alex!!” she almost yells.
Suddenly Alex’s eyes go wide in panic, “It is on the 3rd?”
“We talked about this. Several times.” Kelley says irritated.
“Oh God, I’m sorry. I totally forgot.” Alex mumbles weakly, feeling ashamed.
“So what? I’ll book you a flight. Maybe I’m able to get you first class. I’ll talk to my dad.”
“I-“ Alex swallows hard, “I can’t, Kel.” she sighs.
“What do you mean you can’t? Why?” Kelley asks aggravated.
“I have this shoot for Continental’s World Cup commercial in LA.”
“For fuck’s sake.” Kelley mutters to herself.
“I’ll call my PR team. Maybe we can push the shoot to the week after the wedding.” Alex says determined.
“No. We both know that this is going to cost them a lot of money. You have your contract with them and I understand that. I’m the last person who doesn’t. Still, what I don’t understand is how you forgot about this even though we talked about it.” Kelley argues sharply.
“I didn’t plan to forget Kelley! With this whole World Cup approaching I’m just completely overbooked. It’s not that easy to have an overview. I wish it wasn’t like this either but it simply is.” Alex answers just as sharply.
“Well, Alex it just seems to me that you’re starting to mess up your priorities at the moment.”
“What is that supposed to mean?!” Alex exclaims angrily.
“That you should think about your personal life from time to time.” Kelley counters coldly.
“As if I wasn’t trying Kelley! You don’t get it. It isn’t always that easy being me!” Alex snaps and she regrets it the moment the words leave her mouth.
The conceited tone in which she was saying it shocks her and she doesn’t recognize herself as the words replay in her own ears. Is Kelley right? Is she really starting to lose touch to her personal life?
“Oh wow Alex. You’re right, I wouldn’t understand. Being me is just too easy.” Kelley says in a calm bitter manner.
Alex can hear the disappointment in her voice and it makes her feel absolutely awful.
“No, that’s not what I meant!” she tries to justify.
“You know what Alex? Right now, it isn’t that easy being your fiancée as well.” Kelley expresses with a drained voice.
“That’s mean.” Alex says hurt.
“Can you tell me how I am supposed to feel about all of this then?” Kelley asks somberly.
“Alex, stop flirting with your boo and get changed! I want my coffee!” Sydney calls through the locker room, making everybody laugh loudly.
“You and your coffee, let the poor woman speak to her fiancée.” Ashlyn counters jokingly.
“Of course that would come from you Ash.” Sydney laughs.
“I’m going to have to call you back.” Alex says briskly.
“Alex, come on.” Kelley answers annoyed.
“Kelley, I can’t.”
“You can’t be serious!”
“I said I can’t!” Alex exclaims and she flinches, surprised by the anger deep inside her once again.
There is no answer coming from Kelley and Alex knows she messed up even more.
“I-” Alex starts and she closes her eyes, trying not to cry.
“I just need some time to myself right now.” she says, knowing that if she tries to fix this right now in a loud locker room, she’ll only mess up even more.
“Of course, go have ‘time to yourself’ with your coffee date.” Kelley says sarcastically.
Alex rolls her eyes at that, “You know what? You’re a jerk.” she responds and hangs up.
She assumes Kelley would have done the same any second. Either way, the tears start falling from Alex’s eyes immediately and she realizes that the feeling of anger really just was pent up sadness.
She tells Sydney that she isn’t feeling too well after being in the sun for that long and Sydney isn’t believing one bit of her story. After a long discussion with Ali, Ashlyn and Sydney who insist on giving her a lift, Alex finds herself in Ashlyn and Ali’s car. As soon as the door closes the tears start falling again and Ali reaches back to hold Alex’s hand all the way to her apartment. Ashlyn and Ali share a concerned look, but they also know Alex doesn’t want to talk about it at the moment and will come around eventually. They drop Alex off and tell her to call them if she needs anything.
There has been complete silence between Kelley and Alex for the remainder of the day. After a sleepless night Kelley calls her mother in the morning.
“Hey, how are you sweetie?” Karen greets her joyfully when her face pops up on Kelley’s screen.
“Not great mom.” Kelley sighs depressed.
“Why? Do you have problems with your ankle again?” she worries.
“No…well, that’s not it. Alex and I got into a fight.” Kelley grumbles.
“Aww, no. What happened?”
“She can’t come to Katie’s wedding.”
“That’s okay Kelley, she doesn’t have to if she’s too busy. Although I can understand that you’d rather go with her but nobody’s going to be mad. Don’t worry.” her mom reassures her.
“No mom, that’s not the point. We talked about this plenty of times and she just forgot. For the last few weeks all she is thinking about is work. It’s starting to get overboard and it’s not good for her.”
“Hmm, that doesn’t really sound like Alex, does it?”
“No. I don’t know, she’s not herself at the moment.”
“Well, it certainly isn’t great that she forgot. Have you talked to her about it?”
“We did, but I wouldn’t describe our conversation as very productive.”
“You didn’t yell at her, did you?” Karen asks disapproving.
“It got quite heated. I might have said some things.” Kelley grumbles.
“Kelley, you should know better.” Karen says disappointed.
Kelley rolls her eyes, but she knows that her mom is right.
“Of course the whole situation is not ideal and of course you worry about her, but you also told me that Alex is super stressed. I don’t know what happened between you two and I wasn’t there for the fight so I don’t want to justify anything, but maybe it slipped her mind. Maybe the pressure is too much for her right now and she doesn’t admit it.”
“Well, things like this shouldn’t slip her mind.” Kelley grumbles.
Karen looks at her admonishingly.
“She is my fiancée mom! Fiancées usually turn up to family gatherings like this. I really wanted to see her. I just found out I can’t come to Orlando for the game. It would have been our only chance to see each other until the sent off games, if at all! God only knows what will happen to my ankle. I’ll probably sit here, unable to move while my fiancée is in France playing a World Cup. It just sucks!” Kelley rages.
“Kelley.” her mom repeats, but this time softly and Kelley knows it’s a reminder to breathe.
Kelley takes a deep breath and exhales shakily, still fired up by her rant.
“I would have loved for you to have her here as well. I know how hard it is for the two of you. But Kelley, that’s the point. It’s hard for both of you. You can’t tell me you think that Alex is having the time of her life right now. She’s doing all of this media stuff on her own, being in Orlando without you. The way you described it to me she seems to be just as lost as you are. As a matter of fact, I think she is completely overwhelmed. If she is just thinking about work, she probably feels just as much pressure as you are feeling with your ankle. Just in another way. We both know Alex. She has such a good heart and she loves you endlessly. She wouldn’t forget something like this on purpose. Cut her some slack honey.” Karen says softly.
Kelley looks at her reluctantly, but her mom already knows Kelley is convinced.
“As for you, Miss O’Hara, you need to stop sulking in self-pity. I don’t know you like that. The Kelley I know is a fighter and she’ll move mountains to get to that World Cup.”
“Well, I grew up mom.”
“It’s your dream, Kelley! It always was ever since you took this seriously. Don’t tell me you stopped fighting for your dreams just because you turned a bit older. You’ve got to step up now. They all need you to. The whole team.” her mom urges.
Kelley nods at her, deep in thought. When she looks up the fire is back in her eyes.
“You’re right. I love you so much mom. You’re the best.”
“That’s one thing that doesn’t change even if you grow old, remember that.” Karen jokes, making Kelley roll her eyes jokingly, wearing a bright smile.
“And fix this Kelley. Talk to her. The two of you love each other too much to get into a fight like this.”
It’s 2 am and Kelley lies in her bed staring up at the ceiling. She sighs, knowing that she won’t find sleep anytime soon if she doesn’t do something. Alex has been trying to call her several times throughout the day but Kelley just couldn’t get her thoughts straight so she didn’t pick up.
“What are you doing Kelley?” she mumbles to herself, sitting up.
She grabs her phone and dials Alex’s number. Alex picks up immediately.
“I’m sorry.” Alex gets out quickly in a devastated tone, looking at Kelley with sorrow in her eyes.
“I know.” Kelley mumbles.
“I miss you.”
Kelley closes her eyes, trying to keep herself together. She nods her head. When she opens her eyes again tears are rolling down Alex’s face and a loud sob escapes her lips. Kelley swallows hard.
“Hey, it’s okay.” she says panicked, pushing away her pride.
They haven’t been able to catch up for the past week due to their tight schedules. All they could manage was a few texts and a short call. Even though they had a conversation about their fight on that call, the tension from the week before is still lingering on their minds. This isn’t how Kelley imagined their time apart at all. After a long week of recovery and training she plops onto her couch feeling tired and miserable to say the least. She tries to FaceTime Alex who to her surprise seems to have time to pick up. Kelley means to say ‘Hello’, however the words get stuck in her throat and she eyes Alex warily.
“Heey babe, what’s up?” Alex asks with an untypical unsteady but still cheerful voice.
Kelley eyes her even closer before answering.
“Ehm…hey? Are you okay?” she asks unsure.
“Yeah, of course. I’m fine.” Alex waves her off confidently.
“Are you sure?” Kelley frowns.
“Totally. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Alex.” Kelley sighs softly.
Tears dwell up in Alex’s eyes for what feels like the 10th time today. However, she rubs her eyes and pretends like nothing is going on.
“How are you? How is your ankle?”
“Alex, I can tell that you’ve been crying, you know that, right?” Kelley says gently, giving her a meaningful, sad look.
That’s the moment Alex breaks down completely. The tears start falling down her face and she hides it in her hands.
“Aww, babe. Please don’t cry.” Kelley comforts her gently.
“I can’t-” Alex starts, but she chokes up.
She takes a deep breath and Kelley looks at her worried.
“It’s all a little too much right now.” she cries.
“Hey, talk to me. Is this still about all of the pressure you’re feeling?” Kelley asks in a soothing voice.
“No, I handled that.” Alex exhales shakily.
“What is going on then, babe?” Kelley pouts.
“I just miss you so much. It gets worse and worse every day. You’re on my mind all the time and we haven’t really talked which is making me go insane, especially after this whole thing last week. I just feel so alone.” Alex sobs.
“Hey, love, look at me.” Kelley says gently.
Alex looks up and Kelley is met with Alex’s eyes. For a second Kelley has to think about the irony of how Alex’s eyes always seem to turn the most beautiful, brightest blue when she is crying. It reminds her of the bittersweet ambiguity of her job. Even though this job has brought Kelley the best things in life and everything she’s ever dreamed of, it also presents her with the harsh reality of having to look at said things and dreams through a phone screen at times.
“You’re not alone, Al. I promise. I’m right here with you. I know the last few weeks haven’t gone like we planned at all. I definitely played a part in that. You and this relationship are the most important, most valuable things in my life. I could and should have handled things better. I’m truly sorry, Al. At times I’m really overwhelmed by my injury, training and everything around it, but it never should’ve come to this. I miss you so so much and I need you so much it hurts. We can fix this, love. I know a call doesn’t make up for physical presence, but is there anything I can do to make it better?”
Alex has visibly calmed down by now, but a few tears are still making their way down her face.
“I just wish you could hold me right now.” she quietly cries, looking to the ground.
It feels like a blow to Kelley’s chest. She feels like her heart breaks at once. There is nothing she can do to make Alex’s wish come true and she feels completely powerless. Alex looks up at her again and those bright blue eyes look straight into her soul. Kelley feels a shudder running through her. In that moment looking into those eyes sparks a desperate need to make Alex happy again.
“Okay, I have an idea. Do you trust me?”
“More than anything.”
“Can you lie down?” Kelley asks Alex who’s been sitting propped up against her headboard.
Alex looks at her skeptically for a second but does as Kelley asks her without asking questions.
“I know this is probably going to sound cheesy, but let’s just try this. Can you put that blanket over you?”
Alex nods, her body trembling as she is still crying.
“Now stop the video call and lay your phone down on your ear so you can hear me close to you.”
“Okay.” Alex answers unsteadily.
“Okay, just close your eyes now. Breathe. Imagine I’m lying right behind you, holding you tight.” Kelley whispers softly.
“I know you must have had a terrible day, but I’m right here with you. I’m brushing my hand through your hair. I’m stroking your scalp so you relax while you just focus on the touch. I’m pressing a kiss to your temple. If you listen really closely, you can hear me breathing in your scent. You can feel the warmth of my body pressed against yours. My touch feels gentle and careful, but adoring and heavy at the same time. I hold you until you fall asleep and when you wake up, I’m still there and you are going to feel that familiar comforting security, because you can still feel the same sensation that you felt when you fell asleep. And you’re going to wear a light smile because of the certainty that you’re going to feel it every morning and every night for the rest of your life.” Kelley whispers into Alex’s ear.
The tears stop falling as she listens to Kelley intently and her body feels heavier with every word that leaves Kelley’s mouth. By the time Kelley finishes Alex has fallen asleep, feeling as though Kelley is holding her tight. Kelley hangs up, feeling at peace for the first time in weeks. Before her own eyes fall shut, she quickly sends Alex a text for the next morning.
Kel 🐯❤️ [11:09 pm]: I know this is hard and I love you.
i just found your kellex fan fic and stayed up from 1:30am to 7am to read the entire thing.... it was so good, i was totally hooked. any chance you’re going to update it again or is that the end? sorry if you already answered this or something but i’m new to this
Thank you so much for sending this message. That’s amazing and I‘m really glad you like my story. I‘m going to update soon. Sorry for being away for that long. I hope you’re still hooked to read a new chapter.
Is there going to be more parts to Love on the Brain? I really hope so! Your writing is amazing!
Same goes for here. I’m deeply sorry I was M.I.A! Life is just complicated sometimes. There is going to be more chapters, I’ll be back soon! Thank you so much for the support
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