Serene Chaos

the nicest, most organized dictator ever

[utopiadivine]

Just some of the things I've worked on lately

[thatdisasterauthor]

Have you REALLY lost your scissors if you aren't walking around making scissor motions with your fingers in an attempt to lure them back out?

[mias-back-from-the-dead]

spellcasting with somatic compenents

[only-tiktoks]

[earhartsease]

only one in three million tiktoks are this worth watching

[theislandofewan]

It’s a beautiful day today, just like these beautiful pictures of Ewan

(2012)

[no-adulting-allowed]

@utopiadivine

[utopiadivine]

Maybe the problem in my life is me. How do I stop being me?

[utopiadivine]

I wish there was some way to stop feeling worthless all the time.

[utopiadivine]

Diddledee

It's July 7, 2020.

I'm going to confess something. After my maternal grandmother passed when I was 11, I was always terrified that my paternal grandmother would die and I'd never see her again. Like so afraid that since I was 11 (and I'm 34 now) I would cry every single time I left from visiting her. From way back, way way.

Since 1997 I've been terrified of a world without patchouli incense and army navy surplus, steel guitars and tarot cards, fish and birds and cats and dogs, boiled potatoes and shredded wheat. Of silly pins, thousands of pictures, long afternoons in her recliner. Of "Skipper, ahoy" and "tweetweeweeweetwee"" and "ask and you shall receive at Johnson's pharmacy," and "home again, home again, jiggety jig" and "you are my sunshine" "darlin" "missy"

And I was so afraid so I wouldn't call or write because she was getting older and older and I didn't want to remember her old. I wanted to remember her for her and I was such a coward and I missed so much time. When I called she always seemed tired. I had printed out all these pictures of the redwood forest for her and labeled them so she would know who was who and where we were and when. I forgot to mail them. March, April, forgot. May, June, forgot. And now?

She video called me one day last year while I was out hiking in California and I got to show her the hills here and the flowers and tell her what it smelled like and walk her around for awhile. When my brother said it was bad this February, I flew there within a day. I should have been at the hospital with her more but I was afraid. My last day there, I brushed her hair and braided it the way she liked and hugged her and told her goodbye and I was so scared.

So she might be gone, for real, very soon. She's not awake anymore, they have her sedated. I can't ever hear her voice again because she's sedated. She'll never call me darlin or say my name and there's nothing I can do.

15 Tamuz 5780

[utopiadivine]

I am struck, sometimes staggered by this dread that I don't even have words for. I don't even know if this is part of being depressed. Sometimes I feel like my life and existence is surreal and I'm watching someone else's life and then suddenly I'm snapped back into this, this is real this is my real life. This is me, this is the body I inhabit and it's getting old and disgusting and I can't trade it in or fix it.

And it's not like my life is bad, I have a lovely life. Like I didn't expect this though. The 2 kids, the dog, the partner. I frankly didn't think I'd live this long. Maybe that's why it's so scary, I never planned to make it to 30.

So like I'm here and this is nice. I don't want to change this. I'm just afraid that something will change, or that it's not real, or I'm missing some kind of social something, or I'm messing these kids up or I've ruined my partner's life. Maybe I'm a disappointment.

Maybe I haven't grown as a person and I'm a fraud. Maybe I'm never going to get better. What if I'm never a hairdresser again. What if I end up alone? How has everyone on earth made it through this? Does it feel like this for everyone all the time?

It's just so goddamn terrifying all the time.

[utopiadivine]

Oh hey, it’s 2:30am ans I’m too tired to go to sleep wtf

[utopiadivine]

Oh hey, it's 2:30 am and I'm too tired to go to sleep, but now there's a pandemic too.

[iwoofjaneway-deactivated2016060]

“ It’s armor. On a woman. It doesn’t have to look feminine.”

[lizstaley]

If I ever don’t reblog this, it’s because I’m dead.

[kiokushitakaa]

game devs take note

[bestnatesmithever]

What a weird impulse. Why would you need it to look feminine? Or masculine? It’s armor to protect your body from death. Not dying should be gender neutral.

[mathylibrarian]

Not dying should be gender neutral

[utopiadivine]

Working on a gift for my baby niece who got to go home after 21 days in the NICU to repair a congential heart defect.

Chart from Stitchrovia on Etsy, here:

Shakespeare 'She is Fierce' Cross Stitch Pattern (Digital Format - PDF)

Add a little theatrical charm to your home with one of our famous quote hoops! This Shakespeare quote is perfect for a little ones bedroom o

I'm working in my Clover turntable mounted hoop again. I broke my original one and yesterday found a local needlework store that had two (!!) in stock. I haven't even been able to find a single one on Clover's website. I was super excited and snatched it up. Also grabbed a pack of John James double ended quick stitch needles and a new qsnap.

If you live in the Bay area California and are looking for a drive and a stitchy Haven, check out Madonna Needleworks in Morgan Hill. Literally thousands of floss colors and dozens of brands, stitching tables, I heard some chitchat that got deep into life, and the owners were so helpful.

Anyway, WIP photos attached.

If anyone in the stitchyverse reads this, how would you ship a framed gift? I was thinking of having a piece of plexiglass cut, or sending it without glass at all.

[utopiadivine]

Hey I'm back. I got wips.

[utopiadivine]

Mee & Thee from http://hancockshouseofhappy.blogspot.com

A free pattern purchased via Craftsy, but also available on the HHoH website as a free download. I’ve adjusted some colors to suit my taste and stash.

As offered, the pattern is sewn on 14ct Aida with DMC 972, 310, 3853, 3831, and 844.

I will be using DMC 973, 310, 3853, 701, and 839 on 14ct oatmeal Aida. I am out of hoop because the fabric I’m using is leavings from a previous project and won’t fit in the hoops I have on hand.

[utopiadivine]

Oh hey, I finished this a long time ago and framed it.

[utopiadivine]

Oh hey, it's 2:30am ans I'm too tired to go to sleep wtf

[yayxstitch]

It’s cross stitch. They are memes. You are welcome.

[utopiadivine]

Current list of anxious things

I have no one to talk to

Is my partner disappointed in me?

My hair isn't right

My dad said I'm fat and I gained 4 lbs so I must be fat.

I haven't been aroused in a week maybe my meds are too strong

I'm constantly anxious maybe I need to increase my meds

I don't think I'm doing therapy right maybe I should change therapists. I talk too much. Maybe I should let her talk. I don't know how this stranger is supposed to help me navigate my crazy, is she supposed to talk too?

Driving. Driving. Driving.

Maybe I should have gone to therapy instead of chaperoning the field trip. I want my kids to have positive memories but they also are horrified by me so maybe I should stay away, but then they say I never do anything with them but I was a SAHM for like, 5 years, how can they say I don't spend time with them.

Maybe I should quit doing hair and sell pyramid scheme make up.

Holy crap I'm expected to live like this for like at least another 45 years minimum, I am not even half way how am I supposed to do this for another 45 plus years this is excruciating oh no

My credit card

Also that credit card

Also my mother asking for money I don't have to spare but I have to give her because she's my mother and I love her.

This is by no means a complete list of today's anxiety.

[utopiadivine]

Bruh

when I see pictures of people with all their friends year after year I realize how intensely lonely I am. It's like a physical punch in the gut.

I wish I'd been a better person so I'd have friends, but I suck so I don't