UtopianShitposter @utopianshitposter - Tumblr Blog

lack of manners is such an unattractive quality in a person

i take a step back from people once i realize they're perceiving me very incorrectly. I’m not about to convince anybody of who I am.

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けいおん! 第1話「廃部！」

The city I’m in. Everyone wants this capitalist savvy masculine nigga. Everyone’s so rough with each other and it honestly makes me seem so incompatible with everyone. The people I’m interested in are not looking for people like me. Either that or at 28 all of the people I may be interested in may already be chosen. All of my friends are married. Have nice jobs.

Comparison is the thief of joy. But I have my own goals too, for myself. But everyday feels like a brick wall to getting to enjoy who I feel I’m becoming as a person. I’m not able to even make myself content and yet I’m so longing for romance. Though my situations never allow me that. It’s as if my life constantly puts natural barriers to romance I try to engage in. Money, time, space. All constantly rotating villains in a life I want to be in. My opportunities aren’t matching my goals. Even though I feel I set the bar so low to meet/exceed.

I work often with just being ok with myself. Telling myself I’m worth it. That I’m pretty. That I don’t need romance to be happy and fulfilled. Yet I have to hold back any romantic feelings I have for anyone. Just to somehow maintain the little bit of security and stability I’ve managed to have.

The few advances I’ve tried to make over the past year have been detrimental. Left on read, turned down, just basic shit you’re supposed to take on the chin.

I don’t feel like I shoot my shot unless I’m sure I want to make it. Then I put myself out there and things don’t work. I have to learn to be okay with that. I have to accept that I will have to take tons of heartbreaks,lonely nights, 3rd wheeling, and watching Greg and Janine have the most beautiful time before the universe will consider me worthy too.

I have to realize that I am only for a very very small select few people that I have to be in the right place and time in my lifetime to engage with. I’m afraid of missing that time and place often because of my rotating villains.

I saw obsession. I always worried about if I got the person I wanted through all of my bad qualities and financial insecurity, would it really be me forcing them into a relationship with me.

Would I have actually taken the time and more years of loneliness to not be with a person I felt so strongly about?

The answer to me is yes. If I knew at the end of all of this I’d really end up with who I wanted, prepared for, I would take everyday in stride knowing that all the work I’m doing will not be just for me. It’ll be for us.