there were pieces of emma, pieces that were solely for herself & not for outside
ears. & this time julian was placed directly on the outskirts of her deepest fears.
yes there was an innate fear, a fear that left her powerless among those she
loved. which led to poison her words, throw anything in his face so he’d put
himself first, his family, NOT her. no matter how long she wished to be a
blackthorn she was not. she was a carstairs & the blade pressed against her
side proved that.
words hanging at the edge of her tongue, the very words that caused the pained
expression now plastered across julian’s face. by the angel he made her feel
so fucking GUILTY. & for what ? telling the truth ! a quick flick of her eyes & a
repressed sigh escaped her chest before leaning back into the car seat. of
course he would say that, of course he’d try to FATHER her. he was more
important, he was more needed, she was only a friend, & while that was more
than enough… she did wish she had a family like him.
perhaps that was why the words good almost sprouted against bloodied
lips. because now she was glad he was annoyed, she was PLEASED. this
meant she’d won, for when emma was ANGRY & CYNICAL. there was no
force that could stop her, even julian’s sweetened lies.
❛because if i died you’d all live on ! get that through your thick
skull jules. if you died we’d be lost, & there would be no hope
for recovery. that’s why I’M expendable.❜
FOR FUCKS SAKE. he made her want to cry, pull her hair out, press herself
against his chest & cling to him until they couldn’t breathe. & scream, LOTS of
screaming. her heart was pounding & if she, they, didn’t stop, she would run &
not find herself home until tomorrow & feel more guilty about worrying julian.
the words were easily traced, & easily forgotten, & she prayed to the angel that
he would do just that.
He stopped his attempt to maneuver into the front of the car. His plan had been to drive them home, but he sensed something so incredibly wrong in her voice. So broken and hurt it tugged at a part of him that only she could reach. That part of him that belonged to her when she didn’t even realize. It was when she traced the words on his back that he turned around again, his gaze dark and his voice trembled as he snatched her hand before it she could pull it away. It was strange, how he could seem so tough, so angered, and yet his touch wasn’t nearly as forceful. No, he wasn’t going to let her pull away, but his thumb caressed the inside of her palm gently as he moved forward and back into her personal bubble. Maybe it was the parenting experience. His tender side always sure to care for people even when he felt like SCREAMING.
“ NO. We aren’t dropping this. ”
His voice echoed in the tiny compartment, stern and scolding, because he was angry. At himself. At her. He could feel her hurting; and in return the guilt was twisting inside him that he couldn’t ignore.
“ I WOULD DIE. If something happened to you, do you realize that? ”
It had been a while since his voice shook. Julian could remember the ruthless teasing Emma had put him through when he hit the ripe age of puberty and his voice would wobble and crack and he would turn bright red. But this was different. His voice in perfect low vibrations struggled to think about a life where Emma didn’t exist and instinctively he reached out with his free hand, cupping the back of her head so that she was forced to look at him, his fingers gently intertwined in the curls he loved, his face completely serious.
“ When my mother died... I got through it because you were there to hold my hand. And when my father was turned, I was still standing because you were by my side, helping me the whole time. And when Helen and Mark were taken from me, we survived... barely but we’re here. ” He explained sternly, lecturing her in a tone he might use with Dru or Livvy or Ty, but his eyes pleading with her to UNDERSTAND, his thumb gently skimming her cheek.
“ But when they tried to take YOU away from me... when they said they were going to send you to London? Emma, I was twelve and I knew... I couldn’t live without you. I made you get this because then they could never take you away from me. ” He raised their hands so she could see her own Parabatai rune for a moment, before flattening out her palm and pressing it over the left side of his bare chest. Skin to skin, he allowed her to feel his heart pounding against his ribs, wishing he could say for his pride that it was calm and collected at their closeness, but no it was rushing and ragged as if trying to jump from his body and right into her hands where it belonged. “ If you died.... you’re right. I would stay as long as possible... for Liv, Ty, Dru and Tavvy... because they need me, and I would try for them. But I would never be okay again. This would stop. ” He pressed her hand against his heart a little harder, squeezing it desperately so she realized his heart would stop the minute hers did. Not because she was his Parabatai. Because she was Emma.
“ There has never been a day in my life where you were expendable, Emma Castairs. And if you believe otherwise, I haven’t taken nearly enough arrows to the chest for you. ”
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