@uyujns - Tumblr Blog

film out.

while packing your stuff to move out, you stumble across an old, dusty box containing the memories of your first love. pairing: zhang hao x fem!reader wc: ? tags/warnings: none other than a whole lotta angst and some fluff, tiniest sprinkle of suggestive content. notes: this piece was inspired by bts' song "film out", as well as the confession by hao's old campus admirer i saw on twitter! made me tear up a bit but we don't talk about that. do enjoy <33 mwaa

it's your last week on campus, and packing your stuff up in order to move out is a complete nightmare.

you remember telling yourself to avoid bringing so much of your belongings from home over to your dorm room, and you did listen to your own advice, but everything just started piling up towards the end of your studies. most of it is from the multitudes of outings you've went with your friends.

on your bed, there's almost a whole stores' worth of plushies perfectly lined up. you recall the way you were hesitant to buy the stuffed toys since you know you'd end up cuddling only one of them to sleep, but your friends managed to convince you to spend your money anyway.

you sigh heavily, wiping off the sweat on your forehead with the sleeve of your shirt as you look around the room. you've only packed one whole box that's currently filled with your study materials, and as you stand in the middle of the room, you realize you have a lot more to pack. with a quick glance to your wristwatch, you decide to take your time since it's still early in the morning.

you push the already neatly packed box aside to make some room for yourself to go over to your closet. the wooden doors creak loudly, making you scrunch your face up. that's one thing you're definitely not going to miss once you move out.

as you go through your clothes, you spot a piece of light colored fabric hanging neatly in the middle of your other clothes. the sight of it makes you pause for a moment, and a gentle, nostalgic smile grows on your lips.

you pick the shirt out, holding it up by the hanger as you inspect it for a moment. honestly, you had almost forgotten you had this shirt - it's a matching piece, and the other half is over in another country.

at least, that's what you'd like to think. there's the possibility he might have already thrown it out, but you push the thought behind.

actually, now that you think about it, maybe it's time for you to throw his stuff out as well. it's been a few good years, and yet you're still finding his belongings in your room. you toss the shirt into an empty box, one that you're planning to either give away or just simply throw out, as well as the other few dozen clothes and accessories he had bought for you.

shirts, pants, pyjamas, rings, necklaces, socks, earrings, the bunch of silly emoji hairclips he'd always make you use - all of them are piling up in the box. you ignore the slight ache in your chest as you toss them carelessly.

once your closet is almost empty, another thing catches your attention. another cardboard box sits quietly at the back of your closet, but instead of being its original brownish color, it's painted white with a few messy drawings all over and some stickers. you reach over to the box, making a face when your fingers feel funny due to touching the dust that's accumulated on the box, before slowly pulling it out.

you turn the box around, and the slight ache in your chest merely broadens to the point you can barely breathe.

'hao hao and yn!' is written on the box in a handwriting that's not yours with a big, red heart at the end. the nickname makes you let out a small, shaky sigh, because you thought you'd never have to hear nor see it ever again.

you opt to sit down on the floor, doubtful of your ability to stand up straight judging by the way your knees feel weak. just like the array of gifts you were given, you had nearly forgotten about the box that's currently in your hands. it's heavy, and you know for a fact that it's because of the sheer amount of stuff that awaits for you inside once you open it.

should you open it? you're torn in half. a part of you protests, the part that doesn't want you to go backwards in your process of healing after you've spent so much time and effort to make sure that you'll be okay without him.

and the other part? this part misses him. it misses his face, his voice, the way his hair would feel in between your fingers and the way he'd look at you as if you were everything to him.

after what felt like an hour of sitting on the floor and staring at the box's dusty top, you decide to say damn it all before opening the lid.

you're immediately met with several other boxes inside, and a small laugh escapes from your lips. you don't remember making everything look so neat and tidy, but then again, it was probably all his idea. he was a bit of a perfectionist, you recall silently as you take out the first box.

once you open it, a bunch of handwritten letters sit neatly inside, and the smell of his cologne tickles your nostrils. you smile as you take one of the letters out, running your hands over the rough piece of parchment that has a few dried flowers on the surface, secured nicely with tapes. you go through the letters one by one - there's a letter for valentine's day, qixi festival, your birthday, some of them were written on random days where he had just felt like writing to you, and a few more letters for each year you've spent together. all of them have your favorite flowers stuck on the surface of the paper, and they smell like him too. you knew his cologne would last for quite a while, but you didn't expect for them to last for this long.

you let out of breath before placing the letters back in their designated box. you didn't read them, since you know you won't be able to stop yourself from crying. you place the box into the other cardboard box that you previously placed his gifts and clothes and silly emoji hairclips in - the box you're planning to throw out. you're not going to give them away, now that you think about it. there's far too much sentimental value in each item to give it to some other person.

the next box that you open feels heavier than the previous one, and you're surprised when you see a bunch of vcr tapes once you open it. they're all labeled, and this time, in your own familiar handwriting.

you stare at the first tape. it's labelled 'hao hao's first time in an amusement park!', and you're torn all over again - but you make a decision quicker than earlier. you pick the box of tapes up with you and place it on your table as you look around for the old player you own. you find it eventually, hidden in your nightstand, and you set everything up.

with the player in position, curtains drawn and lights closed, all that's left is to slide the tape in and let it play. you hesitate for a moment, wondering if it's worth it and if you're really going to set yourself up for another heartbreak.

you shrug, inserting the first tape into the player and making yourself comfortable on your bed as you wait for the clip to start. you're going to throw everything away for good this time anyway, and you'll never have the second chance to rewatch all the videos you had taken after this.

you'll allow yourself to be heartbroken by zhang hao just one more time.

i. tape one: hao hao's first time in an amusement park!

"hurry up, we need to try everything!"

zhang hao's voice is the first thing you hear once the tape plays. the camera shakes uncontrollably, wind sounds picking up in the audio as if the person holding it is running.

"hao hao, slow down!" you hear yourself in the tape, the voice of you several years ago during your high school years. "we have all day to try everything out."

zhang hao whines, eliciting an entertained laugh from you. the camera finally stops shaking, and there's a clear shot of zhang hao in his school uniform, hair slightly all over the place due to the all the running he just did. you reach over to him from behind the camcorder that you're holding, fixing the few stray strands of his hair. he smiles brightly, leaning into your touch as he looks at you rather than at the camera.

"look here, dummy." you scold him lightly, shaking the camera in your hands as if trying to emphasize your point.

"i like looking at you better," zhang hao grins. "why do you have to record this, anyway?"

"for fun." you reply after a while. "it would be nice to show our kids the memories we made when we were young, no?"

in the present, your heart squeezes painfully at the words of your past self.

zhang hao seems to be taken aback from the boldness of your words, eyes widening as he stares at you. the camera trembles a little, and you can hear yourself holding back your laughter.

"come on, silly hao hao." you reach out to hold his hand with your free one, lightly swinging them back and forth as you guide him along the amusement park, ignoring the way he stutters out his reply.

the rest of the tape shows mostly zhang hao enjoying his day, the sounds of his excited cheers whenever he wins a game and how he whines sadly if he loses. you watch silently as he tries his luck on a claw machine, a smile blooming on your lips when he manages to win a red panda plushie before giving it to you with the biggest grin on his face.

you turn around from your seat in the darkness of your dorm room, and your eyes immediately catch the sight of the very same red panda plushie sitting nicely in the middle of your bed. it's the one and only plushie you ever cuddle to sleep, despite the many other options you have.

the camcorder is placed on the table to catch the shot of you and zhang hao eating the variety of food you two had bought, ranging from colorful cotton candies to fried foods that might've just made your cholesterol levels shoot up that day. you feed each other in the shot, wiping the small mess on each other's mouths a few times and giggling away like the giddy high school students you were.

the first tape ends with with a quick goodbye wave from you and zhang hao, and he finishes it off with a kiss on your cheek before it goes black.

ii. tape two: exam week...

the second clip starts off with the familiar shot of your old high school's library. you're walking along silently before you pan the camera straight forward, zooming into the sight of zhang hao who currently has his head on his hands as he reads, or more like stares, at the array of notes on the table in front of him.

"ladies and gentlemen," you narrate the clip as you approach zhang hao. "if you look at this direction, you'll be able to see the cutest red panda stressing over the exam that everyone knows he'll ace."

zhang hao is pulled out of his trance when he hears your voice, eyes immediately finding yours before it goes to the camera for the quickest second. he pouts, letting out his signature whine as he tries to push the camera away when you shove it in his face.

"stop thattt," he huffs. "my face isn't in a good condition - i'm so swollen and puffy."

"you're still so handsome, though." you tell him, and you're able to catch the way his ears turns red. "but in all seriousness, why is your face puffy? what time did you sleep last night?"

when zhang hao doesn't reply and decides to look away from you instead, you opt to pinch his arm through the fabric of his school jacket, making him yelp.

"ow! sorry, sorry - i don't know what time i slept... i was busy studying and my alarm went off in, like, an hour or something."

"what?!" you yell, receiving a collective 'shhh!' from the other students within the library, and you can fell your embarrassment seeping through the projected screen. "you had an hour of sleep? hao hao, that's not healthy."

"i know," he sighs, placing his elbows on the table and cupping his own cheeks as he frowns. it's a habit that he does when he feels sad, you wonder if he still does that after all this time. "but i have to pass this exam..."

whatever you're feeling right now in the darkness of your dorm room, you're sure you were feeling it ten times worse when you were recording this video. you place the camera down, letting it face you and zhang hao who's still pouting with his hands on his cheeks. you watch as you scoot yourself closer to the boy, laying your head on your arm as you rest it against the table, your other hand tugging on zhang hao's sleeve to get his attention.

"let's sleep together for a while?" you offer. "then we can study all you want. you need some rest."

zhang hao blinks at you for a moment, but his lips quickly quirk up into a soft, fond smile. he nods and moves himself closer to you until he's unable to do so anymore before copying your position, placing his head on his arm against the table with his face turned towards yours.

despite the awkward angle, you can see yourself stick your tongue out at zhang hao, making him breathe out a gentle laugh. he leans in to give you a kiss on your cheek before closing his eyes, allowing himself to comfortably sleep.

the clip continues for a few minutes as you silently stare at zhang hao's face, and you reach over to turn the camera off once he started snoring.

iii. tape three: graduation day!

the third clips begins with a crackle, and you're met with the sight of your own face. you're all dolled up, make up done in a way you haven't used in so long and hair tied up neatly.

"hao hao and i are graduating today," you talk to the camera, and for some reason, it makes you smile. "i'll be seeing his parents later too, and i don't think i've ever been this nervous."

ah, you remember how you were feeling that day. you can basically see the nervous sweat collecting on your forehead before you wipe it with a tissue, the audio picking up the sounds of your labored breathing. this was the first time you met up with zhang hao's parents even when you've known him for almost the entirety of your high school life, so the anxiety is understandable.

the clip cuts to the graduation ceremony, and the brightness of the outdoor setting makes you squint your eyes a little bit. you reach over to lower the volume a little bit because you know what's going to happen next - the sound of your voice cheering, borderline screaming, zhang hao's name when he's called out to the stage to take his certificate fills the entire room. the camera zooms into zhang hao's face, and he manages to catch it as he walks off stage, sending a quick wink in your direction that makes you giggle behind the camera.

another cut is made, and this time, zhang hao's face is on screen.

"my baobei is up next," he tells the camera, and your heart squeezes. "let's cheer for her loudly."

zhang hao keeps his promise once your name is called and you walk onto the stage, his cheering rivaling the volume of yours earlier. his voice cracks halfway, and you hear him laugh it off behind the camera - the kind of laugh that he doesn't usually show to others besides yourself and his other loved ones. it's genuine, loud and a little funny if you had to admit it, but it makes you melt all over again. you wonder if you'll ever be able to hear him laugh one more time.

the clips ends with a shot of you and zhang hao, your hands occupied from holding the camera to face you and the other holding your graduation flowers, as zhang hao has his own arms wrapped around you from behind, chin rested on your shoulder.

"we graduated!" the two of your cheer together, the smiles on your faces as bright as the sun that shines over your heads.

"here's to spending many, many more years together." you say, and zhang hao nods at your words.

"i'll spend my forever with you, love." he smiles at you, rubbing his nose against your cheek before pressing the softest kiss on your skin.

the screen goes dark. you sit silently, letting yourself be swallowed up by the darkness of your room and the deafening silence. you feel an emptiness in your chest the moment the clip ends, as if reliving the moments you shared with zhang hao throughout all those years had somehow made you feel complete again, just like how he completed you.

tears pool up in your eyes before you could stop them. you knew it was a bad idea to watch the clips in the first place - hell, you should've thrown away everything in the box the moment you found it. but now, something is stopping you from doing so, an unseen force that originates from the part of you that's still very much in love with zhang hao restricting you from simply tossing away the memories you made with him.

the box filled with tapes stares at you mockingly. there's still so many of them, you've only went through three and you're already on the verge of crying.

you wipe your eyes with the sleeve of your shirt before reaching out for the next tape, sliding it into the player.

might as well completely ruin yourself rather than stopping halfway, right?

iv. tape four: first day at university~

the next clip begins with your solo shot again, and you're giggling to yourself in the film.

"it's the first day in uni," you announce with a cheeky smile, walking along as you talk. "hao hao and i got accepted to the same campus, but i didn't tell him. i'm gonna surprise him by showing up to his room."

you climb up some stairs, slowing your pace down once you arrive on a certain level before peeking through the corner to see if zhang hao is anywhere to be seen.

in the present, you smile a little - you still remember his dorm room. the building itself is not far from the one you're currently in, and the memories of sneaking out for god knows how many times just to see him are still fresh in your mind.

you watch as you try your best to silently walk along the corridor towards zhang hao's room that's situated by the other end of the floor. the camera zooms in, and you can see that the door is open with a few boxes left outside.

"looks like he's still unpacking," you whisper into the camera. "i haven't started unpacking my own stuff - but whatever. i'll ask him to help me later."

you reach the room soon enough, letting the camera peek inside a little and it catches the sight of zhang hao with his back turned against you, hunched over a box as he takes his personal belongings out.

you take your shoes off before tiptoeing inside, gently placing the camera onto a table and making your way towards the unsuspecting zhang hao who's innocently arranging his stuff.

once you're close enough, you tap his shoulder from behind, making him yelp and jolt in surprise before falling onto his butt. you snort out a laugh, both in the clip and in the present due to the same reason - zhang hao is so easy to scare, it's almost adorable.

"baobei! what are you doing here?" zhang hao breathes out after staring at you for a good minute, and when you tell him that you were accepted into the same campus, he practically jumps up from the floor in excitement before wrapping his arms around you.

"you idiot!" he scolds you despite engulfing you in a bone-crushing hug. "you have no idea how sad i was when i thought we couldn't be in the same uni! you owe me milk tea later!"

you apologize through your laughter, arms wrapped around zhang hao's shoulders as he lifts you up from the floor, spinning you around excitedly.

the camera's audio doesn't pick up on his next words that he whispers to you, but you still remember them to this day.

"i'm so happy we're together again, it's like we're destined to be."

the clip continues for almost an hour, showing mostly the process of you helping zhang hao unpack his stuff before bringing him over to your own room to make him help you in return. even though you didn't catch everything on camera, you know for a fact that unpacking and arranging your stuff took nearly the whole day because the two of you wouldn't stop playing around. zhang hao was fascinated by your belongings even when he had already went to your house multiple times in the past during high school.

"you still keep this?" he asks, picking up the red panda plushie that you placed on your bed.

"of course," you smile. "i can't sleep without it. you won that for me when we went to the amusement park together, remember?"

zhang hao nods once, still eyeing the stuffed animal with a soft smile on his face before placing it back down.

the camera is turned off once you notice the battery is getting low. you wave goodbye alongside zhang hao, and as always, he ends it with a kiss on your cheek.

once it ends, you continue to slide in the next clip - then the next, next, and next. you don't even bother to read the labels by the time you've reached around the tenth clip, letting yourself watch them with a little curiosity on what it would show.

the remaining clips are mostly captures of the many firsts you had with zhang hao. you remember watching the first time you attend class together before going out to eat, the first time you spend the night at his dorm room and waking up with your clothes all over the floor and your left sock missing, the first time you surprise him at his dance practice and the first time you attend his first ever violin performance.

reaching towards the end, the clips are beginning to just have you as it's main character, and the realization hits you that it is almost happening.

it being the separation between you and zhang hao.

you had begun recording yourself ranting and sharing your feelings with the camera whenever things started becoming difficult between the two of you. you decide to skip the few clips that only contain your fruitless ranting, and the next clip is another first you had with zhang hao, but it's not as sweet as the others.

the label reads; tape nineteen: resolving our first fight.

you don't recall the reason why you had decided to record the conversation you had with zhang hao when you were talking out after the first fight you two had. maybe it's because you wanted to have some kind of material to look back to if you ever came across the same situation again so that you'd know what to do and how to make sure that you grow as a couple who understand each other.

whatever the reason was, you stop the clip halfway when you could hear zhang hao's tone starting to turn frustrated.

"i told you i'm busy with dance practice," he says. "we've spent so much time together already, what more could you want?"

you pull the clip out of the player. you remember crying after hearing his words, and even as he apologized to you and said he didn't truly mean it, they left a scar on the surface of your heart. it was quickly patched and tended to by zhang hao when you recall the way he pressed kisses all over your face, apologizing in between each kiss as his thumbs wiped your tears away.

you're unaware of the sun already starting to set by the time you're almost at the last clip. the ones you had just watched were random vlogs of your daily life with zhang hao, ranging from being only one minute of zhang hao tuning his violin to almost two hours of the two of you being silly in his room and giggling like children as you tell each other funny stories.

the room is pitch dark when the sun's light no longer seeps through the small spaces in between your curtains. you're finally at the last clip, the cold surface of the tape matching the atmosphere as you silently read the label. the handwriting is messy, as if your hands were shaking when you wrote it.

xxxiv. tape 34: our first goodbye

the clip crackles to life, and the first shot is of you in the bathroom of your dorm room. you're still in your pyjamas, eyes are red and puffy and you brush your hair through sniffles.

"hao-" your voice cracks, and you take a few deep breaths to calm yourself down. "sorry, uh.. hao hao is moving away. well, not really - he's just flying over to korea because he wants to pursue his stupid, stupid idol dreams."

you cover your face with your hands, groaning into your palms.

"sorry," you apologize to the camera again. "it's not stupid, his dreams aren't stupid. i just... i'm just angry, i guess. and sad. i didn't except him to leave china entirely for his dreams. he.. he was supposed to be a teacher. he already has his teacher's license, damn it-"

you're sobbing all over again, tears falling down your cheeks as you try your best to keep quiet in the space of your bathroom.

"but he said he's not happy, and- and i hate it when he's not happy. my hao hao, he looks the happiest when he's singing and dancing, and i used to love seeing him up on stage." you suck in a quick breath before continuing. "i still do, i love seeing him perform with that stupid smile of his that i adore so much. i just wish he didn't have to go so far."

you sigh, reaching over to the camera to pick it up to inspect the condition of your face - puffy and swollen.

"i need to get ready now," you mumble. "i'll be sending him off at the airport. i'll be back later."

the clip cuts off, and it continues with a scene at the airport. the camera is positioned in a way that it perfectly captures your frame that's currently shaking in the arms of your first love. zhang hao holds you tenderly, and even though his face isn't caught by the lens, you remember vividly the way his lips moved against your neck as he whispered his apologies to you, and how we promised to return to you after he achieves his dreams.

"i'll never forget you, baobei." he mumbles against your neck, rubbing his nose against your skin. "i promise, i promise- i'm sorry i have to leave you like this."

you can only afford to sniffle, unable to form coherent words from the way you're sobbing against zhang hao's chest. the way the fabric of your clothes on your shoulder dampened with his tears is fresh in your mind, and your heart bleeds over the memory of zhang hao crying.

the camera continues to watch the scene of the two of you holding each other as if your lives depended on it, crying over the loss of a love that was supposed to last forever.

your sobs merely worsen when zhang hao pulls away once he has to board his plane. the lens of the camera, probably already forgotten during that time, catches the way your hands are shaking as they hold onto zhang hao's sleeve, afraid to let go.

"oh, my love," he frowns deeply, succumbing to your tears and pulling you closer to press a lingering kiss on your lips, hands gingerly cupping your cheeks. "please forgive me. i promise to come back, and we'll start over when that time comes. okay?"

you sniffle loudly, nodding afterwards.

"that's my girl," zhang hao smiles, even when his lips are trembling. "you have our clips together for you to watch when you miss me, remember?"

zhang hao reaches over to the camera and picks it up, making a little face when he sees how red his eyes are in the small monitor.

"look at my baobei," he speaks to the camera before moving jt closer to your crying face. "poor baby. she looks pretty even when she cries."

with a kiss to your cheek, zhang hao continues speaking to the camera. you know he's staring into the lens, it's obvious, but you can't help the sob that tears from your chest as you look at him in the projected screen. you never knew you missed his face this much.

"to my baobei in the future," zhang hao speaks. "please be happy. i know i said you're pretty even when you're crying, but you look the prettiest when you're smiling. smile more for me, okay? you're probably rewatching these, and i hope our memories will bring you happiness. so wherever you are now, i love you. i will always love you."

your whole world crumbles down. you're full on sobbing now, hand on your chest as you try to calm your breathing, but it's all in vain. the clip continues to play, but you're no longer paying attention as you cry your bleeding heart out that's yearning for your first love.

the screen goes black, and the last tape pops out from the player. the room is silent save for your pathetic cries that ring into the night. you manage to gather yourself soon enough, reduced to a sniffling mess.

"you're such a liar, zhang hao." you mumble through gritted teeth, pulling the tape out and holding it in your hands. you stare at it for a good minute, watching silently as your tears fall onto the dark surface.

"i love you more." you whisper. "i'll wait for you forever, hao hao."

From all the memories stored in my heart

I gather up the ones of you, link them together

Gazing at them projected across the room

I feel you with every burst of pain.