I'm under absolutely no obligation to make sense to you @vaguely-functional-directions - Tumblr Blog

Really hating myself. I don't want to live anymore.

Maybe one day I'll wake up without crying and having the urge to just throw myself out the window and be done with it

At what point do I just fully concede that I am completely worthless and unlovable and unwanted and that there is nothing good left in the world for me. I don't want to be here anymore.

Maybe one day I'll wake up without crying and having the urge to just throw myself out the window and be done with it

I give up on getting to be my own person and having a life that I actually want to live

These are my new candles. I love them and I want more.

I know I need help. Every time I'm by myself for a while I start wanting to give up and I can't manage to keep going. I can't find the energy or motivation to do anything and my mind goes all foggy and it's so hard to get out of it. But sometimes it's like a switch flips and I can think clearly again and see that I do actually want to live and keep going and I feel like myself again, almost. And I don't even know what I need and I am so confused and upset about everything going on right now as well and I'm just trying to survive. I feel a lot that I am completely forgotten about as soon as I am out of sight. That no one even thinks or remembers about me when I am not there. And sometimes I get indication that that isn't true and it makes me think that I do actually exist. But when I'm stuck alone I don't see that at all, and all i can think about is how I don't matter and that no one would notice or care if I stopped existing. I don't know why this is happening to me but it's so hard to feel like I can't trust myself or my thoughts anymore. And I know it's just my brain being mean to me and saying things that aren't true necessarily, but when it feels so real at the time I can't do anything other than believe it, especially when I can't even form focused thoughts or concentrate. I feel like I'm ruining everything for myself right now.

#I want to stop waking up every morning being in tears because I feel so hated and unwanted #It makes it so hard to get out of bed every day #And just wanting to not be around anymore

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#Something else that's been bothering me a bit lately is at work because like. I like it there overall and I am good at my job but I feel #overlooked lately and my friend there who started around the same time I did is getting a lot more attention and promotion type stuff #And in one way it makes sense because she is stay there longer than I can. But it's also like why does it seem like I am less valued almost #And I think this is just not helping my feelings of worthlessness lately?#Because it's not even just socially anymore with me having trouble making and keeping friends #But if it's professionally as well that I am looked over only a couple years after trying to start a career. I don't even know what that #means for me #Like I think I just don't have the personality to integrate myself in with people and that's something I am going to have to figure out #I guess. But I thought I was doing well and it's to have it be like. I'm still doing something wrong?#And I don't think I can actually do anything differently because that's just me at this point #I am just really not a person right now.#I am struggling so much #I don't even know if I want to keep going a lot of the time anymore #And my brain keeps telling me that making myself hurt is the only thing that will help sometimes #And sometimes it's the only thing I can do. I don't know.

daddystinygirll

The fear of abandonment isn’t just about people leaving, it’s the gut-wrenching belief that you aren’t worth staying for.

#I'm not

I don't know what it's called when a physical health scare, shocks away my emotional mental health issues, but that's me right now.

#Going through an incredibly bad time and kind of wanting to die. But then I have actual real symptoms and I'm immediately thrown back into #a stronger mindset of No not like that. I want to live #This is far too personal #I have an appointment to see a doctor. I just need to be ok until then #It'll be fine

.

#I cried a lot last night #I had one really clear moment when I saw that I really don't want to die even though I feel a lot lately like I just want it to be over #I've just made it through the first part of my life and I should be set up now for my whole future as my own adult person and there #should be more ahead for me. And I don't want to throw all that away.#But in a lot of moments recently I don't want to exist anymore and I don't want to be here #And it feels a lot like it's too late for me for a lot of things and I can't see even a hint of anything ahead for me #And I don't have the motivation right now to try #It doesn't help either how I feel so unwanted and like I don't matter to anyone at all. And I don't know what is so wrong and unlikable #about me that I have hardly anyone in real life. And I can't bring myself to even make an effort anymore to make interactions #because I don't click with hardly anyone and they decide they're done with me as soon as we're no longer in each other's daily lives anyway #I don't know why I am so forgettable and replaceable. There's less than 5 people in this entire world who I can actually have a #conversation with anymore and that is including my family #I want to stop feeling like I need to hurt as well. I never thought this would be me. I have marks on my arm and hand that are never going #to go away. It's my own fault. But sometimes it's the only thing that helps.#I say to myself everyday now that I want to end it all. I don't really want to. I just want to be fixed and stop being in constant pain #I can't keep living like this

I feel like I'm going to be sick

#I spent this morning thinking I might end up in the hospital because of physical health reasons #And I was scared because I didn't want anything to happen to me #And now that I am not as bad; my emotional state has taken back over again and I am feeling so broken and unwanted and #everything is hopeless for me again and I don't know if I even want to keep going #I missed my chance at everything and I can't keep trying #It would be so easy to let go right now #I want to.

I don't know how I've gone over two decades and the only people who I think actually really care about me are my family. I'm not complaining about that because I am grateful to have them but it's like, I thought when you grow up you're meant to find your own people and support system, and grow into your own person independent of who you grew up with. And I'm just sitting here like. My parents are the only people I actually trust won't leave me eventually and move on from me, and it makes me feel very young and childlike, like I'll never have a life of my own because no one else wants me. And it's like there's nothing for me outside of that box, and I should just go back inside and it's not worth trying to leave it again or be my own person. I've tried, and there's nothing else out there for me and I'm wanting to give up on living. No one wants me for being myself, and I don't see the point to keep going knowing how lonely it will be for me ahead.

The way that great gatsby ends with there still being stuff that happens after his death (spoilers !!) and like the reprise of Roaring On ending the whole show on a higher note, despite it not necessarily being a happy ending, is similar to how I thought Bonnie and Clyde was going to end the very first time I listened to it last year (a lovely spring day in March when I was severely injured and in much pain). I was seeing that the last number in the soundtrack was called 'finale' and I thought it was going to be something to end the show on a slightly happier note, but no. I still can't believe that this show literally ends with them getting in the car, you hear the echo of Bonnie's last words with the callback to How 'bout a dance, and then. They're dead. The end. That's it. My poor heart will never recover. And I think it is a really fitting end because really, what else is there left to say?

#bonnie and clyde musical #great gatsby musical

inthetags

Women, reblog and put in the tags a time when you were oblivious to someone having a crush on you until it was too late.

#When I was on holiday a few months ago this guy came over and told me he thought I looked 'sexy and kind of mean'. Which I found out the #next day meant he liked me; when someone else explicitly told me that he did. Needless to say that the feelings were not reciprocated.#Never known of any women liking me though so either hasn't happened or I've stayed oblivious

Does anyone even like me. I feel like such a waste of space

catbritta

one of my favorite things about seeing tgwdlm:r was that there were people in the audience that hadnt seen the original show so when hidgens is listing all the working boys i could hear someone say “how many fucking boys are there??”

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