¡Jesús cogiendo a Cristo! ¡Culpo a tu abuela por esto! Ella siempre deseó que si tuviera una hija sería tan dura como yo.
You can’t help, bebe. All you’re going to end up doing is spending time at home and hovering over me, you know how much I hate it when people hover. I don’t want to turn into mega bitch on you of all people. I’m sick, I’m uncomfortable, I’m tired and people generally piss me off at is. I don’t want you around that. What if, God forbid, things don’t work? You really think I want your last memories of me to be of this grumpy bitch and not the mami you know and love? Work. Please. If you want to take time off, then wait until I’ve got a date for surgery because I’m gonna need help after that while I’m healing and all that but please don’t make me be evil to you. It’s my job to protect you, up until recently I think I’ve done an ok job at that, please don’t make me fuck it up even further.
Private:
I’m sorry I take after you, I’m stubborn and right now I’m honestly scared. I can’t lose my mama... What would I do without you?
I can help, I can do all of the cooking and cleaning so you can focus on getting better. How the heck am I going to work knowing that you’re not getting better? My last memories wouldn’t be of a grumpy b-word, it would be of my mama who is a warrior and can fight through anything. I’m not going to have to make any last memories of you for a while, you’re going to be around for a while. Long enough to see me get married to the woman I love and, God willing, become a mama myself to some awesome kiddos. Mama, please let me be around for this..
I’m sorry, mija. I wish I could tell you it worked and this nightmare was behind us and we’d never have to think about it ever again. I wish I could keep you safe from this. They want to schedule for as soon as possible but there’s a wait. I’m working on finding somewhere that can fit me in sooner but finding somewhere that will take my insurance and isn’t going to end up with my miles from home is proving difficult right now but I’m taking care of it. Valeria, no. You don’t need to take time off, ok? I don’t want you screwing up the career you’ve worked your ass off for just because of this, you understand me? Chemo doesn’t work on everyone and I guess this cancer must be residing in a Lopez if it’s being this much of a pain in the ass. You’re not losing me, ok? My chest just won’t be such a great pillow anymore and it’s not like they’re entirely part of me anyway.
Private:
No mama. This is where I put my foot down, you need me right now. You were there for me for my whole entire life and theres now way in heck that I’m not going to be there for you now. My career can wait, there’s always going to be a need for acupuncturist and right now I need to be there for you. Please don’t try and prevent me from doing this mama, I can’t consciously go to work four days a week knowing that you’re suffering and that I can help. I just can’t believe that this is happening... I can’t believe the chemo isn’t working... I know chemo is a gamble, but I truly thought that it would help you...
I mean that…God,I hoped I’d never say anything like this to you. You worry far too much about me as it is and then this happened and the chemo…
Baby, it didn’t work. The chemo didn’t get rid of the cancer. I have to have surgery, maybe some more chemo or radiation therapy after.
Private
What do you mean that it didn’t work....? How didn’t it work..? When do they want you to go for surgery? I’m going to take a leave off of work for a few weeks so I can take care of you. I... I thought it was working mama... You know I can’t deal with losing you..
Mija, everyone dies eventually, although I would rather it be later than sooner. Bebe, I think we need to talk about all this cancer stuff and how strong I am, because I might be strong but I’m not invincible. I can handle the paperwork, I don’t want you having to deal with that stuff, ok? What I do want, is some time with my baby girl and a chance to talk, if you think you can spare some time for your mami?
Jesus fucking Christ! If cancer doesn’t kill me, filling out all this damn paperwork for insurance will.
Don’t joke about dying. You know you’re going to be okay, everything is going to be okay. You know that you’re stronger than this stupid cancer. Do you want any help with the paperwork?
I wish I had a choice of whether I drowned in my work or not… I haven’t seen a day off in… a week? two? Maybe more? At least properly… I’d love to only work two days a week.
Ugh. I wish I could do that, but my boss won’t allow me to do overtime anymore because when I do I do way to much and she says that’s not healthy for me. I love to work, but she’s right it’s not healthy to work to much. You should try and get a day off. What do you do?
#fbf to my first Pride that my amazing girlfriend took me too. This was my sign. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Matthew 7:2
Jesus where are You, am I still beside You? | Self Para
Were: The Lopez house, specifically Scout’s room.
When: This afternoon after a Bible study with some women from Scout’s new church | Tuesday June 26th
What: After what happened to Scout at the party she’s been struggling with her faith and relationship with God, but after moving churches and starting to study The Bible again Scout’s in a place where she wants to build her faith back up.
Trigger warning: rape mention, alcohol mention.
After that night that allowed the darkness in, the night that took her faith away, Scout couldn’t hide any longer. She needed to be true to something, so she decided to be true to herself. When Scout finally came out of the closet and admit to herself, as well as the world, that she liked other girls the way she was “supposed” to like boys, she knew that meant having to leave her church. The church that helped her meet Jesus and fall in love with Him. It was a hard thing for her to do, but the church believed the way she felt was sinful and she knew that wasn’t right. God doesn’t make people sin and she was born liking girls. It says in the Psalms that God knit me together in my mother’s womb and in Genesis that God created man in His perfect image.He created her this way, He created her liking girls and she shouldn’t be ashamed of that, but the one thing she truly didn’t understand about God is why if He loved her so much did he let someone come in and steal her confidence in Him and her faith away. She felt broken, lost and abandoned by the one person who she thought wouldn’t ever abandon her. She felt like Jesus when He was on the cross and the world went dark because God turned away from Him.
Although Scout’s faith has been shaking into losing the belief that God is good, Scout still felt convicted to go to church. She knew that she couldn’t go to the church she called home for years, so she Googled and Googled until she found a Biblical, baptism based church that also understood God’s character and how he creates each and everyone of us to who He wants them to be. She ended up discovering the United Church of Christ, which held Biblical views, but understood that God loves and accepts everyone. Going to a new church was surreal, although Scout had been a disciple for years she was learning new thing about God through the studies that she’s been doing with women from her new church. Today they did a study on His love and how He feels the emotions that we feel. How He humbled Himself to come down as a man in order to feel, be tempted and a feel heartbreak the way humans do on a daily basis. He allowed Himself to feel pain, He allowed Himself to be beaten, broken and feel the wrath of God for the sin of the world, even the sin that happened to Scout the night of that party. While He was hanging on that cross, He knew he was dying for Scout and for that night and even if He was just dying for her, for that night, He would. Scout felt comforted by this information, but she still couldn’t accept what happened to her. How was her being raped part of God’s plan? Half of Scout’s heart was hard towards God, she wanted answers to questions she knew He wasn’t going to give her answers to. She had to learn to lean not on her own understanding, but to put her trust in Him and He will make her paths straight.
Scout was sitting on her bedroom floor, she had a notebook, a cup of her favorite lavender tea with raw honey in it and her Bible in front of her. She was stuck in the letter to the Philippians which was one of her favorite books in the New Testament besides the Gospel of Luke, of course. When Scout first started studying the Bible all those years ago she always looked up to Paul who wrote the letter to the Philippians because it’s a book of such hope and trusting God no matter what. Paul wrote that letter while he was imprisoned for loving and testifying about Jesus, Paul always showed great faith even when he was in impossibly difficult situations and that’s how Scout wanted to be with her faith. She wanted to blindly trust God again and know that He is good all the time and all the time He is good. As Scout read through Philippians, she felt her heart start to be cut and her trust in God start to grow again. If Paul could trust Jesus while he was in prison because of his belief in Him, then she could trust Him now, even while she walked through the valley of the shadow of death she could trust Him. She wanted to trust Him.
Scout hadn’t genuinely prayed in a while, not since that night. Sure, she went through the motions of praying over her food and angrily prayed to Him when she was drunk, but that was about all the communication she had with God. She knew that in order to build trust in Him again she was going to have to swallow her pride and start praying again even though it was hard and felt wrong. “Father God,” She said with a sigh, “long time no talk… I’m sorry I’ve been so distant from You, but dealing with… dealing with what happened has been really, really hard. Hands down it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. I just don’t understand why that had to happen, I don’t understand how me being hurt so badly was a part of Your plan. You’re supposed to love me, You’re supposed to protect me, You’re supposed to be my rock and my fortress, but that night…. I didn’t feel You with me that night… I felt alone, I was scared, I’m still scared. I can’t close my eyes without seeing that night, without… without feeling those hands on my body…” As she spoke she started to feel hot tears fall down her cheeks. “I want to understand why that had to happen, if I could just understand why maybe I could accept what happened, but I know You’re not going to tell me why. You want me to just trust You, but God, that’s so hard. It’s so hard to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus when all I want is answers so I can accept and understand what happened to me, but I know I need to learn how to accept and understand what happened without the answers I so desperately need.” She said wiping the tears away from her face.
“God I miss You, I miss having a relationship with You. I miss doing yoga while worshiping You, I miss taking prayer hikes and talking to you as I literally climb mountains, I miss our chai latte dates and laying in the soft grass at Central Park with You. I miss how close we were and I want to get back to that, but it’s going to take time for me, I’m going to have to learn how to trust You again, but I’m willing to build our relationship back up. I miss my Father, my Brother and my Best Friend, I miss You. So, God, I just pray that You help me build my faith up again and keep me motivated to do so, I pray that You help me find my comfort in You again, instead of in a bottle of Jack. It’s going to take time, I know it is, but I pray that You use this whole experience to grow my faith and make it stronger than before. I love You, I miss You and I promise to try again. Amen.”
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