[vam01011001]

Slightly related to this post.

People who support making things more accessible to everyone always talk about rather social thing, making communities "accepting everyone" and such. But there is nothing about making isolation accessible, nor making all the things they're supporting accessible without the community aspects.

It's partly because too much people believe "isolation = bad" as a general truth for everyone while it's not.

Having access to full isolation while still being able to live stably—especially if the person has other disabilities—would be great for some people like me. But I guess let's just forget about those with "less understandable" needs compared to the needs of autistic people or ADHDer.

In "short":

People understand more easily that someone might need more silence, need a strict routine, etc… But they don't understand the want or need for isolation since they consider it as a negative thing; so they unconsciously don't even consider isolation as a possible want/need, or even think it's something to avoid, so they don't include the need for isolation in what they support as a possible accessibility need.

And all of this because they only think of "relatable, popular, and more easy to understand" disabilities instead of actually being a "super nice and supportive person who think of everyone" like they might claim to be.

[vam01011001]

Societies made it about impossible to live isolated from humanity without becoming a criminal.

The best example I have in mind is the North Pond Hermit who tried to isolate himself from society. If I remember correctly, he wasn't able to get some basic necessities since it would have mean he would have to interact with others, so he had to turn towards stealing to be able to survive alone.

Sure he succeed to live like that for more than 2 decades, but he still got caught and arrested because he wasn't able to live isolated legally.

And not everyone who want full isolation from fellow humans have the physical nor mental capacities to survive like he did in the forest. I wish isolation was more accessible.

[vam01011001]

Yesterday I was starting to feel a bit motivated to start playing the piano again but my avolition hit again. Why can't I at least be motivated to play the piano, I literally have my small piano waiting besides me in my bed??

I can understand my avolition stopping me from trying needle felting since I don't even have the tools to do this activity, but here I do have a damn piano.

At least I succeed to play 2 easy songs yesterday to check if I still knew the basics before losing the motivation.

[vam01011001]

It's kind of weird for me—but still understandable—that other people have socialization and relationships as a basic need to survive.

If someone is 100% isolated from people but also with no distractions (no movie/videogame/music/etc), then I get it how it can make someone's health deteriorate, the boredom would be unbearable.

But if it's really only human contact that is lacking? Then it seems weird how someone could get both mentally and physically unwell from that, even if I still technically understand why.

I don't think I can even blame this on the fact I'm schizoid since it seems other schizoids can still get this health deterioration from isolation. Or maybe it depends on the type of schizoid. Idk.

[vam01011001]

I've really picked too much at my skin recently. My face and shoulders have a lot of scabs now and I've made I've made a slightly bigger wound than usual that is still open since I can't stop picking it.

Maybe I should at least start using antiseptic on my wounds but I don't want to go search where I've put the bottle and the gauze. I pick too much anyway, I can't sanitize my wounds 10 times per day or something.

[vam01011001]

Good news, I got the results of my PET scan and my lymph nodes show some activities which means my immune system is busy. Maybe the MRI will help to see this more in details. So it seems to confirm that I'm in state of chronic infection like I thought.

Also when I learnt that I genuinely felt some happiness for a moment, it was short but it's still great. But I suppose it's sad that I feel happy about bad test results because of all those fucking incompetent doctors who don't give me answers.

[vam01011001]

I have trouble relating to the other schizoids that talk about their experiences/symptoms online.

On this app only, if what they're talking about isn't a criteria of SzPD or a Negative Symptom, then there are barely any chances I will relate.

I have no trauma (a few bad experiences but nothing traumatizing); I have no fear of engulfment nor anything of this type, I don't mind sharing things about me if I'm bored; I don't feel lonely; I know what my personality is like, how to describe myself, etc; I consider myself a human since it's a biological fact and I don't feel like I'm another thing; I don't have a secret want to have friends; my disliking of being perceived/of attention is only in real life, not online (for multiple reason); I don't dissociate; I don't daydream; and maybe a few other things that I don't have in mind right now.

It makes me dislike how some people say a few of those traits are traits common to all schizoids.

[vam01011001]

I don't get why people treat "cringe" as a "culture" or something just made up. If someone feels cringed out by something then it's cringe to them, that's simply related to their feelings. Just like how some people get disgusted by blood and in consequence consider blood disgusting.

It doesn't mean the cringed out person is "evil" just because of a feeling they felt at something, that's such a stupid mindset.

[vam01011001]

My social and communication skills are so shit, worse when I'm more fatigued than at my baseline.

If my texts seem weirdly written, and if it seems like I didn't understand something (most of the time I did understand but I'm just not communicating it well), that's why.

It's annoying when I want to be understood well. Instead I sound accidentally dumb or just awkward.

But I'm not going to practice more my social skills nor my communication, practicing = interacting a lot with others, so it's a big no for me. Maximum I prefer a bit of online interaction when I'm bored with people I consider ok, nothing more.

[vam01011001]

I napped all the evening. My PET scan appointment made me really tired.

Before doing the scan I was put in a little room to lay down and a nurse came to put me on infusion, my first infusion ever, but it actually was less bothering than getting my blood taken for a blood test and the nurse was nice. Then I got the radioactive liquid put in my infusion bag (or whatever it's called) and the nurse left me isolated in the small room for an hour. She lowered the light intensity so I could rest, it was just a bit boring and there was a camera recording me in the room.

But during the 1 hour I was without my glasses and everytime I would glance at a stickman on a sign in the room I would see it dancing? I guess that the fatigue + seeing somewhat blurry that made me see it dancing instead of still.

And after that I was finally able to do the scan that was surprisingly short (7 mins). Now I have a MRI and a blood test left before seeing my damn internist doctor again.

[vam01011001]

Fuck fuck fuck I have my PET scan today, I thought it was in August, I think I'm panicking a bit right now?? Idk.

I'm not ready at all. And I'm so hungry but not allowed to eat until after the scan which itself take time to do.

[vam01011001]

I maybe eat too much cheese (mostly pasteurized ones since they're easier to find but real cheese too).

Even my former "friend" in 8th grade knew I ate so much Babybels, so everytime there would have some Babybels at the canteen and that she was before me in the line to pick our food, she would pick a Babybel and put it on my meal tray before I say anything.

Honestly she was only useful for that and telling me what work I missed.

[vam01011001]

I'm going to try stopping my antibiotic treatment already (yes after only 1 pill) because I know my body won't handle it, especially since my menstruation is going to start soon.

[vam01011001]

Even when I try to sleep at night I need a nap during the day, it's annoying since it make that I wake up twice per day while waking me up make me feel unwell. I just woke up from a nap, I kind of just want to sleep again.

[vam01011001]

I started an antibiotic treatment again. This time it's for 1 month not just a week or two 😭

Let's go getting my intestine bacterias destroy (including the good ones).

[vam01011001]

With a few of my former "friendships" there is something that would often happen: my classmates would always ask my "friend" how tf they success to talk to me.

It's understandable, I would literally avoid everyone, glaring at them, maximum giving shorts answers with social hints that I don't want to be there. The thing that they don't know is that with my former "friends" it's not this much different, the only thing making me somewhat open up to my former "friends" was their utility to me.

Having 1 classmate close to me was useful to know what I missed at school and to have someone to be paired with that I know enough when the group works are mandatory. I would also talk to that specific classmate and be "open" with them but it was because school breaks were awfully boring so I had to do something to distract myself.

There are a few exceptions:

My 2 kind of "friends" from 1st grade, I genuinely would spend some great time based a bit less on utility but there was still some of it. With 1 I would play with Playmobils with her sometimes and we drew a comics together (we didn't know how to write yet), but I wasn't attached to her, she could be replaced by any other kid who was as calm as her; and the 2nd one was great to play with too, we would just run around a bit, but she was replaceable too.

And the very special exception was my first "friend" ever, I was only close to her because our mothers were friends and I was very lost in social situations so I relied on her. We started being "friends" at 3 year old, before I even really knew how to speak, so she was the person who made me discover what "friendships" where supposed to be like and she did bad job.

I didn't know friends were supposed to like each other and genuinely feel attached until I was 12 years old, I thought just chatting/playing with someone when I'm bored counted as being friends and that best friends is just when we do a lot of stuff together, that's all.

[vam01011001]

I found a 5th spider and I think the Spider Of The Ceiling went into my room or it is a 6th one, idk. It's starting to make a lot of Spider homemates but I haven't noticed any other insects since they're here (maybe they ate them).

I'm going to call the 5th spider "Spider Of The Ceiling (part 2) Close To The Toilet".