starrambles

this is where i go to talk where no one can hear me MAIN BLOG | AESTHETIC BLOG | INSTAGRAM introspective essays | memes

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and when you think of me, am i the best you’ve ever had?

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god i fucking miss him

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i always say i’m on good terms w my exes but 3 of the 4 guys i actually dated literally do not know how to spell my name lmfao

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i’m living the ghost of a relationship i know he doesn’t love me but we’re having fun as we are and i’ll be dead in hell before i give that up

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the hottest i will ever be will always be naked in my on/off ex’s bedroom mirror

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it’s time to feel SHITTY about myself bc i have a boyfriend who treats me w love and respect but my brain thinks i have to EARN love by being treated BAD so i keep thinking about my EX that SLEPT W MY BEST FRIEND and how despite the fact i don’t want to interact w him rn i’m afraid that i will NEVER be capable of loving someone who loves me BUT he was an anomaly and i will THINK about him DESPITE having a NICE boyfriend now

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i wish i was dead in the fucking ground i hate myself i hate my job no one fucking likes me my parents don’t like me and luis really does not care that he is emotionally abusive to me ahahahahhahahh

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my special skill is losing weight during depressive episodes bc i cannot muster the interest to want to eat

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in other news, my therapist is on vacation so i have to go 2 weeks without a session, and last time i did that, i went into full crisis

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i really had a drunken mental breakdown at 5am on new year’s over the fact that my ex doesn’t love me (IN HIS HOUSE) and it doesn’t even make sense bc i’m definitely not upset about it???

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like, i really cried for an hour, threatened to crash my car, hit myself so much i STILL have bruises all over my legs, and then just calmly laid down and watched big hero 6 with him like nothing happened

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having a fever of 103 has made me SO SWEATY the last couple days i smell TERRIBLE

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so anyway i think i’ve genuinely developed an eating disorder bc after throwing up nonstop for 2 weeks bc sadness and losing 10 pounds, i started gaining weight again and i HATE it

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why did i agree to go on a date this tuesday if i’m so burnt out on emotional intimacy that i genuinely am not even excited at the prospect of someone being romantically interested in me? probably my distinct lack of boundaries

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my therapist recommended i look at erikson’s psychosocial stages of development to understand the cognitive dissonance and resulting identity crisis of my high emotional intelligence when understanding and analyzing myself versus my kindergarten-level skill of establishing boundaries and guess what guys? just like everything else in my life, it all boils down to mommy issues! aka the lack of affection and support i received growing up leads me to seek out high maintenance friendships because i believe i have to work to earn love and i will constantly seek a romanticized version of affection because i know i will never get it. oh, and also that i idealize media such as film and television because it was the closest thing i had to a shared interest w my mother

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sometimes i see pieces of media wherein a character goes through a major depressive spiral (or even just a rough period) and then their friends unprompted show up to their house to cheer them up and i think about how ive done that for so many and yet no one would do it for me :(

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we’re drinking tonight even tho we have work at 7am :))))))

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literally i don’t understand why i’m still alive like my friends can’t think of nice things to say about me and apparently everyone thinks im fake and stupid and a whore anyway so like