and when you think of me, am i the best youāve ever had?

Love Begins

izzy's playlists!
Sweet Seals For You, Always

Origami Around
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if i look back, i am lost
Peter Solarz
wallacepolsom

ā

ē„ę„ / Permanent Vacation
Stranger Things
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
I'd rather be in outer space šø

shark vs the universe
Misplaced Lens Cap
$LAYYYTER
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we're not kids anymore.
Aqua Utopiaļ½ęµ·ć®åŗć§čØę¶ćē“”ć
taylor price
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@vanillastarrdust
and when you think of me, am i the best youāve ever had?
god i fucking miss him
i always say iām on good terms w my exes but 3 of the 4 guys i actually dated literally do not know how to spell my name lmfao
iām living the ghost of a relationship i know he doesnāt love me but weāre having fun as we are and iāll be dead in hell before i give that up
the hottest i will ever be will always be naked in my on/off exās bedroom mirror
itās time to feel SHITTY about myself bc i have a boyfriend who treats me w love and respect but my brain thinks i have to EARN love by being treated BAD so i keep thinking about my EX that SLEPT W MY BEST FRIEND and how despite the fact i donāt want to interact w him rn iām afraid that i will NEVER be capable of loving someone who loves me BUT he was an anomaly and i will THINK about him DESPITE having a NICE boyfriend now
i wish i was dead in the fucking ground i hate myself i hate my job no one fucking likes me my parents donāt like me and luis really does not care that he is emotionally abusive to me ahahahahhahahh
my special skill is losing weight during depressive episodes bc i cannot muster the interest to want to eat
in other news, my therapist is on vacation so i have to go 2 weeks without a session, and last time i did that, i went into full crisis
i really had a drunken mental breakdown at 5am on new yearās over the fact that my ex doesnāt love me (IN HIS HOUSE) and it doesnāt even make sense bc iām definitely not upset about it???
like, i really cried for an hour, threatened to crash my car, hit myself so much i STILL have bruises all over my legs, and then just calmly laid down and watched big hero 6 with him like nothing happened
having a fever of 103 has made me SO SWEATY the last couple days i smell TERRIBLE
so anyway i think iāve genuinely developed an eating disorder bc after throwing up nonstop for 2 weeks bc sadness and losing 10 pounds, i started gaining weight again and i HATE it
why did i agree to go on a date this tuesday if iām so burnt out on emotional intimacy that i genuinely am not even excited at the prospect of someone being romantically interested in me? probably my distinct lack of boundaries
my therapist recommended i look at eriksonās psychosocial stages of development to understand the cognitive dissonance and resulting identity crisis of my high emotional intelligence when understanding and analyzing myself versus my kindergarten-level skill of establishing boundaries and guess what guys? just like everything else in my life, it all boils down to mommy issues! aka the lack of affection and support i received growing up leads me to seek out high maintenance friendships because i believe i have to work to earn love and i will constantly seek a romanticized version of affection because i know i will never get it. oh, and also that i idealize media such as film and television because it was the closest thing i had to a shared interest w my mother
sometimes i see pieces of media wherein a character goes through a major depressive spiral (or even just a rough period) and then their friends unprompted show up to their house to cheer them up and i think about how ive done that for so many and yet no one would do it for me :(
weāre drinking tonight even tho we have work at 7am :))))))
literally i donāt understand why iām still alive like my friends canāt think of nice things to say about me and apparently everyone thinks im fake and stupid and a whore anyway so like