Don’t shoot the messenger. That was all he could see written on the poor kid’sface – probably paid off by some settler from Sanctuary too scared to bringthe news to the synth on his own. Couldn’t blame ‘em. Never could. Part ofhim felt guilty for falling silent, his gaze somehow seeming to pass over thekid standing nervously in front of him, waiting for some kind of response thatlet him know he could leave. It took a second. Maybe a minute – longer. Hecouldn’t tell. But eventually, he raised his hand ( && ) managed a small nod.
His voice sounded foreign to him. Too far off. He briefly wondered if he’dspoken at all, but the kid letting out a relieved sigh ( && ) dashing out of hisoffice with a glance of sympathy let him know it must’ve just been him. Heshifted in his chair, elbows resting rudely on the surface so fingers could lacetogether in front of his chin. He leaned forward, mouth hidden against hispalm. The folders strewn about his desk no longer demanded his attention.They were discarded – shoved into the back of his mind, the stress of all thathad piled up slowly being replaced with a dull ache in his chest. There wasno physical heart beating in him anywhere. There was programming ( && )there was wiring, but suddenly, he did feel nauseous. Some part of him wantedto scream ( && ) tell – the wall in front of him? the world? – someone, something,anything, that this wasn’t right.
i – i’m sorry, sir. miss nora’s … she’s dead.
She couldn’t be dead. Not her. She was strong ( && ) determined ( && )hell, she was beautiful. People like her, people who were beautiful to theircore, who didn’t bow beneath the hardships of the world around them …no matter how much it tried to tear them down… they didn’t exist anymore. Shewas a product of her time ( && ) she was one in a million. She couldn’t just… disappear. Without saying anything – without being told things shedeserved to hear from this harsh world ( thank you && i’m sorry came to mind )or from him. About his own gratitude, his admiration, dammit, his feelings.
But she did. She was gone ( && ) whoever had intended to tell him hadn’t evenhad the decency to do it themselves. She was dead ( && ) that was that.
He sighed, his posture slumping until his forehead had moved to rest againsthis wrist. The files shifted beneath his weight ( && ) somewhere in the back ofhis mind he reminded himself that Ellie would be back in no time at all. She wouldbe disappointed to see this place in such a mess. ( She’d understand why he’dfrozen up. He knew she would. )
The knot in his chest was familiar. It wasn’t the first time Nick Valentine hadlost an important woman in his life – but it was the first time the loss was his.That’s what he’d wanted right? Experiences for himself. Must’ve forgotten the goodhad to come along with the bad. He was sure, in a past life, in a similar situation,he’d cried out of grief. It was human to do so. For now, all he could do was simulatethe feeling of swallowing, hard, and although it didn’t mean much, his breath caughtin his throat. All the same, he closed his eyes and straightened his posture, reachingfor the smokes he kept close by.
“Save a dance for me wherever you are, yeah?”
There was no humor in his voice; only dejection. This world was emptierwithout her in it. His world was emptier. The only difference was that the rest ofthe world didn’t know what it was missing.
