Intimate Disposition

Feelings, nothing more than feelings.

[veescott]

We love. We desire. We question. We argue. We hug. We melt. We mend. We love. We fall. We stand. We inspire. We love.

[veescott]

So many fucking questions.

I’m exhausted from sorrow. It’s unfair. Why do things have to be “played safely”? Why is the ego so fragile? Who is being protected? Why am I waiting? What am I waiting for? I want it all to burn.

[veescott]

I’m in pain.

[veescott]

Struggling

I am struggling and don’t feel like being a mom or anything else for that matter right now. The grass looks greener everywhere else.

[veescott]

I loved you since the moment we embraced. I had no idea my love for you would grow more intense each moment, each day, each year. Amazed by the way you look at me, the way you love me, I continue to question us. It’s not the love I question but how we exist and how we will continue to exist. You are right though, there have been love songs written about us and there would and could be books. I am so inspired and alive. You’re so beautiful. Thank you for your love and you’re welcome.

[veescott]

Comfort

I never know how to ask for help, how to ask those around me for a hug when I am missing you so much. How do you tell someone that loves you that you kiss someone else?

[veescott]

Paralyzed

This part is the hardest. I go between working to swallow the lump in my throat and fighting back tears. It’s at this time I feel like I’m not “the one”. I question everything. It feels surreal. The deeper I breathe, the harder I find it to sit with my thoughts. I read somewhere that both things exist. Both things are real. But how we are experiencing those things is vastly different and it makes my stomach hurt. I’m scared to stay and scared to let go.

[veescott]

I want to believe. I want to be the freeness of what is felt with you. I want to know what loving freely would feel like. I want to know if you’re using me like the flowers use the sun. I don’t wish to be jealous of the other stars and their capacity to give you light. I just want to know that I this is what I believe it to be.

[veescott]

Nothing

Sometimes, a lot of the times, it’s not ok. Paying for pride and my soul is getting taxed. Anger unhinged while watch myself die. Nowhere to yell but in.

[veescott]

I Want

I wait for your texts. I wait for any sign that you’re thinking of me, wanting me the way I want you. I want things to be different but I don’t know exactly how. Oh my stomach, the jealousy and curiosity. I want it to be me. I want it to unfold in a mature way, where everyone understands that you are the love of my life and it shouldn’t be any other way. I want everyone to acknowledge that when we embrace, they are inspired. I write so that I can distract myself from waiting for your text.

[veescott]

[veescott]

Beatrice

Wrapped in his smell, drunk from orgasms. Taking the deepest of breaths to suck of the air that swallowed our sounds and our moans. Swallowed our exploration and discoveries. It. Feels. So. Good. My heart beats quickly with the memories and the air becomes scarce as I desire so much more.

[veescott]

Other

I’m still the other. In the quiet of the story I tell myself, I hear the truth. Truth is you are angry. You are jealous. You are crazy confused. You want why you won’t work for and what you can’t have. Is this honesty? Is this me talking myself down or talking myself out. I so want out to protect my heart. I want out to protect us all.

[veescott]

I blossomed the more I was watered. Parts of me yet to grow. I was picked and have been dying a little ever since.

[veescott]

Trapped

Tonight I cry hard and often. Noises erupt from my soul drowned out by the bathroom fan. I decide to watch shows to erase my thoughts, the tears continue to run down my face as I draw snot up my stuffy nose. I feel like a child. I sink into the despair. Is it not know how this ends or knowing that I may have to. Is this my karma? I love, I do.

[veescott]

Let's Stay Together

He will not let me go. He rules the way I move, effects my breathing. How I want him all to myself. After phone calls I cry, sitting with what could be, what I want to be with him. When he feels my weakness, he pushes harder. Finding ways to hear my laugh, make me smile. He says it’s because I do this for him, I am his world. I long to feel his lips, put my head to his chest and breathe him in. Apart, we will stay together.

[veescott]

Remind Yourself

Today I must constantly remind myself that I am strong. Throw myself into work that requires all of me. Every time I feel the lump, deep breath and then swallow back the tears. Deep breathing seems to help everything. I'm seeing his eyes, the angles of his face, his smile and his thoughts that change his energy in moments. He is naked, he looks good. I will remind myself that I am blessed to have the moments. Otherwise I may disintegrate.