Vegas Sian Goldflake

1990. New Zealand. Beauty x Literature x Mental Health x Lifestyle x Music

[moonlyaffairs]

She looks At me With sincerity In her eyes As if to say “How am I to compete with her?” And I want nothing more Than to grip Her shoulders, Shake her until She falls to pieces And scream at her To be the best damn women She can be. This is not a game, You are not a prize And if for a second He makes you feel so, Do yourself the courtesy Of lacing up your boots and bolting.

Zienab Hamdan (via moonlyaffairs)

[vegasgoldflake]

I actually cried while reading this because this has been me my whole life but never could I speak these truths and words so eloquently. Thanks for bringing to life how it feels to live this hell of a rollercoaster ride that will never let you off.

Oh honey, it’s okay to cry <3 Don’t thank me, it’s just how my brain works. But thank YOU for reading and finding a little of yourself in there. The roller coaster may not stop, but we’re ultimately in control, don’t forget that. I’m always here if you want to talk. Love and magic to you my fellow moon baby. Vegas xo

[vegasgoldflake]

POETRY EDIT: From when I’ll only visit

sometimes I get so sad that it’s hard to breathe

so tell me how do you expect me to talk about my demons when they’re  sitting on my lungs? with love and magic xo 

[vegasgoldflake]

The Bipolar Edit: Part Two - The Depressive

Bipolar Disorder causes serious shifts in mood, energy, thinking and behaviour - from the highs of mania on one extreme to the lows of depression on the other. It's more than just a fleeting good or bad mood, the cycles of Bipolar Disorder last for days, weeks, months.

Photo credit to https://www.facebook.com/christiansampsonphotography/?fref=ts

I'm confused at how I got back here. I'm unsure where to start – spiralling, spiralling downwards, alone and in the dark. It's been years and I still can't figure out how to fix it, fix me. And I'm the only one who can. I fall asleep crying and I wake crying too. I wonder if I cry throughout my slumber. I think it will never end, and honestly, it doesn't. It always comes back, stalking me, keeping me on edge. I'm broken and I can still see the cracks where I tried to glue myself back together. I now break in the same places.

You see, I can barely breathe. There is a weight sitting on my chest, fog in my brain, the whole world on my back and I can't lift it no matter how hard I try. It's impossible to remove, it's become part of who I am. It's not tangible – it's a feeling as real as a heartbeat. I'm always dragging, hauling it around, my chest heavy and head stuffed with cotton wool.

It's taken my whole life to try and put this into words. Most people don't notice, they just think I'm Vegas being Vegas, but I've learned to hide it well. When I open up, people shy away like I'm contagious, tip-toe around me like they're walking on eggshells. The truth is it flows through my veins, it's in my blood. I lose enjoyment of everything I would usually love, my appetite is non-existent, my weight fluctuates like nothing else and I feel worthless, so worthless and with that comes a huge amount of guilt. Guilt for my family and my friends having to deal with me, and my twin; this ugly illness.

I wonder every minute of a depressive episode what it would be like to die. Not to kill myself, although I fantasise about that too, but to just not be alive, to not exist. Just for a while, just for a break, just for it to stop. I beg and plead and I don't even know who my words are heard by. Whoever it is has never answered.

I wonder if my broken heart never healed, all those years ago, and has now seeped out into who I am daily. Because that's all I am daily, not much else. I sleep all day, trying to wish reality away. But reality remains, and here I am, 25, unemployed and living with my sister. You know it's been since 2011 that I've had more than $500 to my name. Even then I couldn't hold down a job. Now I live week to week on a benefit not made for me.

It's not easy, you all might think it's easy. But I'm crushed every day, I can't change no matter how hard I've tried. I'm nasty, sad, irritable, miserable, hopeless, psychotic, back and forth, rapid cycling. I can't keep doing this. The psychosis is the worst. It's dangerous and once it ends, I have nothing left in me and I'm scared as to what is real and what is not. Did I really see that? Did he visit me? Is this real? I can hear you talking, I'd say. But nobody is talking, Vegas. I try to counteract - Medication, Meditation, Mindfulness, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Art Therapy, Binaural Beats, Exposure Therapy...it goes on and on and this still hits me a few times a year. Festering inside me, rattling at the cage until I'm too worn out to keep it in and then it hits me in the stomach, winds me, and I'm back here again. I can offer you so much more, world, if I wasn't so useless, anxious, fragile, crushed, irritable, tired... please make it stop, universe. I plead, I cry, I draw blood in order to not be me. Just give me an answer. But the fact is, if I hold on, I know what's right around the corner. Hypomania. So I'll sit tight and hit the lowest of lows, because I know then I can reach the highest of highs. And that is ethereal bliss - I turn to magic. And if I hold on, I can get there again. But that's a story for another day.

With love and magic, Vegas Goldflake xo

[vegasgoldflake]

Pleasantville x Film Noir

When I was younger, Pleasantville thrilled me, the makeup blew my mind and I had been planning a makeup based around this for a while. But then I had another similar love: Film Noir. It was thrilling and sexual and dark; all the things I try to be in my daily life. So I figured I could meet the two and do a greyscale makeup, trying to looked like I stepped out of a film and am living in monochrome. I hope you all like this one, it was so much fun to execute.

BASE: - Australis Primer - Loreal BaseMagique - Kryolan TV Pain Stick in 070 mixed with Kyrolan Rainbow Circle in black to make a deep grey - Rimmel Stay Matte Translucent Powder

CONTOUR: - Kryolan TV Pain Stick in 070 mixed with more of Kyrolan Rainbow Circle in black to make a deeper grey - Inglot Black Eyeshadow

HIGHLIGHT: - Kryolan TV Pain Stick in 070 mixed with Kyrolan Rainbow Circle in black to make a very light grey - NYX Eyeshadow in Diamond Lust

BROWS: - Inglot Black Eyeshadow - NYX Gel Liner and Smudger in Jet Black

EYES: - Inglot Black Eyeshadow - Estee Lauder Pure Color Eyeshadow Palette in Lavish Mink - Loreal Miss Manga Mascara - Covergirl Liquiline Blast Eye Pencil - GlamEyes eyelashes in Intense

LIPS: - Covergirl Liquiline Blast Eye Pencil - Manic Panic Lipstick in Raven - Kryolon TV Paint Stick in 070

BEAUTY MARK: - Rimmel Glam Eyes Liquid Liner

[vegasgoldflake]

Broken, doll

The other day, I felt my heart shatter. We lost another human, made of magic and stardust, to the universe. No, I did not know him in person, but my heart did. His talent was outstanding. But what he was to me, was Professor Snape. In the books, he was always my favourite character, he taught me how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death. The impact he had on my childhood, my teen years and today, as an adult, is remarkable. My character had the biggest heart. And my heart goes out to all of those who feel like same. No, it's not silly to miss someone you never knew, because we did know him, down to his soul.

So I decided to paint my face broken, like I felt inside, like my heart felt. Here's my take on a broken, fragile porcelain doll, which encapsulated how I felt perfectly. Always.

BASE: - Australis Primer - Rimmel stay Matte Liquid Mousse Foundation - MAC Studio Finish Concealer - Napoleon Perdis Camera Finish Powder foundation Ivory Idol in Look N1

CHEEKS: - Maybelline Master Glaze Blush Stick - MAC Blusher in Full of Joy BROWS: - Inglot Black Eyeshadow

DOLL EYE: - Estee Lauder Pure Colour Eyeshadow Palette in Chocolate Bliss - Estee Lauder Pure Colour Eyeshadow Palette in Lavish Mink - Estee Lauder Pure Colour Eyeshadow Palette in Sugar Cube - MAC Eye Kohl in Fascinating - NYX Gel Liner and Smudger in Jet Black - Almay One Coat Thickening Mascara - Glam Eyes Eyelashes in Intense (Stacked) on the top lash line - Glam Eyes Eyelashes in Volume on the lower lash line

BROKEN EYE: - NYX Gel Liner to mark out the cracked shape - Ben Nye Rainbow Circle colour wheel in Black - Inglot Black Eyeshadow to set 

LIPS: - NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream in Tokyo “I spied for you and lied for you, put myself in mortal danger for you. Everything was supposed to be to keep Lily Potter's son safe. Now you tell mr you've been raising him like a pig to slaughter -” 

Without him, there would be no Harry Potter. I hope you leave this world with the one thing you took from set, Prof. Snape’s wand. You are greatly missed, Mr Rickman. Always.

With love and magic, Vegas Goldflake xo

[vegasgoldflake]

Twisted ‘20s Starlet

I’ve always loved the look of 1920s makeup, even though it was black and white, the round of the eyes and the blusher blending with the eyeshadow screamed beauty to me. So in reference to that I decided to do a 1920s makeup, but twist it up a bit, add some Tim Burton to the mix. Here is the finished product, with everything I used listed below. Enjoy!

BASE: - Australis Primer - Napolean Stroke of Genius Liquid Cashmere Foundaton - NP Set Powder Foundation in Set 1 - Max Factor Master Touch Undereye Concealer

BROWS: - NYX Gel Liner and Smudger in Dark Brown

EYES: - Chi Chi Sultry Palette: Lavender, Royal Purple and Deep Mauve - NYX Gel Liner and Smudger in Jet Black - Almay One Coat Thickening Mascara in Blackest Black - Glameyes Eyelashes in Intense x 2 - Ardell Eyelashes in Demi Wispies x 2

CHEEKS: - Illamasqua Cream Blusher in Libido - MAC Mineralize SkinFinish in Lightscapade

Lips: - NYX Wicked Lippie in Betrayl

And that’s all folks! Until next time, 

love and magic,  Vegas Goldflake xo

[vegasgoldflake]

I also suffer with mental health issues and reading your words provides some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. I hope you know that there are so many people that love you and are here for you.

Oh babe I’m sorry to hear you’re suffering too. I’m glad that my words can help, even if it’s just helping one person. It really makes me feel like there is a purpose to all this. So thank you xo

[vegasgoldflake]

The Bipolar Edit: Part One

Bipolar Affective Disorder: A psychiatric disorder that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking and behaviour.

On paper, in all my files on my many psychiatrists desks, that who I am. That's all I am. I don't know if that's true yet, if I have more to offer.

I think one of the hardest things about being Bipolar is it's as though I bleed, I bleed, and it pours on everyone that I meet. People run for the hills when they see it, and I've lost so many I care about. Either that or they treat you like an expensive piece of porcelain which has been thrown high into the air, and they need to catch it, catch me, before it shatters. Truth is, I will always hit the ground, I will always shatter. And no-one can help. It's awful, but it's true. I'm up, way up and then I'm down, way down and it cycles, daily, monthly, constantly. I don't know who I am or where I'm going. There is only a slither of sane in me, and it takes everything I've got to keep allowing people to only see that slither. Everything else is ugly. All I do is try and try, and the worst part is that I'm trying not to be me. Apparently that is dangerous; I hurt other people and I hurt myself more. So I am on seven different medications with different doses three times a day. They keep adding to my pharmaceutical cocktail and I no longer know what's working, what is helping and what's hindering. The side effects I tell you, are awful. Maybe more awful than having the word “Bipolar” blue-tacked to the end of your name. Forever. They're trying to fix me but I don't think they're realised yet that I can't be fixed. I've been living with this for a while, roughly ten years or so but no-one figured out my true diagnoses until around four years back. I finally had a name for it and it fit so perfectly and for once I fit in somewhere. Before I was out of place, always, even in my own family. The thing is, hearing about a Bipolar episode and seeing it are two very different things. People don't understand and honestly, that makes me happy. If everyone knew what I was going through, how much pain there is in my heart that it constantly feels weighed down, it would mean they've been there too and that would break me. Knowing they're not where I am, or never have been, it helps. They have never been to hell and back, and then back again. Maybe there's some sparkle in this dark world. When I'm manic I'm creative, I have all these ideas, my mind is racing at 100 miles an hour and I can hardly string a sentence together. When I'm depressed I lie in bed fantasising about all the ways I could check out of this world. But I'm still in there somewhere. There is a glimpse – unfortunately the magic only seems to come out when I'm hypomanic and upwards. Right now I don't have the slightest clue of who I am or where I'm supposed to be on this earth. I stand in the sea and I look at the horizon. I think about how huge it is, and then I think about the universe, Rust and Stardust, how big it must be if our oceans are as big as far as my eyes can see. It's not going away, but it's in there, Vegas. I'm either hiding from the world or the world is hiding from me. I'm scared to sleep. I'm scared to dream. I'm scared to be myself. My authentic self. Because right now I don't exist, I'm just floating. A floating sack of bones and blood. But my heart is still beating and my eyes are still blinking and I'm still here. I'm here. I may not be well, but I'm alive. I don't know which is worse.

I can't take the pain. I hope you aren't here too.

With so much love and magic, Vegas Goldflake

[vegasgoldflake]

The Bride of Frankenstein’s Monster

What to say about Frankenstein? Whether it’s Mary Shelley’s original or the portrayal of Victor Frankenstein on the TV show Penny Dreadful, I love the story of Frankenstein, his Monster and his Monster’s Bride. Gruesome, gory and glorious - the concept is just fantastic. And so what better way to pay homage to characters I love than to re-create a classic look. This look is very, very light on product, so easily created with the right tools. So it’s a good way on saving some money if you were heading to a themed event. The Bride of Frankenstein’s Monster!

BASE: - Rimmel Long Lasting in Porcelain - Kryolan TV Paint Stick in 070 - MAC Translucent Setting Powder

EYES: -NYX Gel Liner & Smudger in Jet Black - Inglot Black eyeshadow - Benefit ‘They're Real’ mascara EYEBROWS: - Inglot black eyeshadow to outline - NYX Gel Liner & Smudger in Jet Black

LIPS: - NYX Gel Liner & Smudger in Jet Black

HOLES AND STITCHES: - NYX Gel Liner & Smudger in Jet Black - Australis AC ON TOUR palette - Estee Lauder Taupe eyeshadow

There we go folks! Hope you liked my snap happy face. If you have any suggestions, feel free to private message me.

With love and magic,  Vegas Goldflake

[vegasgoldflake]

The Heart-Shaped Geisha

I have always been inspired by Japanese culture, and mainly the Geisha. The art of a Geisha is all-encompassing, they are a type of hostess but more of an entertainer, with skills in dance, classical music and conversation, historically for male entertainment. Here’s my modern take on the traditional Geisha, the most beautiful women in the world.

BASE: - Kryolan TV Paint Stick in 070 - NYX Blotting Powder in Fair

BROWS: - Maybelline NY Lipliner in Red 50 - Illamasqua Cream Blusher in Libido - NYX eyeshadow in Hot Red 

EYES: - NYX Gel Liner and Smudger in Jet Black - Estee Lauder Pure Color Kajal Eyeliner in 01 Blackened Black - Inglot Black eyeshadow

CHEEKS/UNDEREYE: - Illamasqua Cream Blusher in Libido - NYX eyeshadow in Hot Red 

LIPS:  -  Illamasqua Cream Blusher in Libido HEART SHAPE: - Australis AC ON TOUR palette To achieve the “Heart-Shaped” Geisha I took a cotton tip and a face wipe to map out and wipe away any foundation that would ruin the heart. I then went around it softly with the medium shade from the AC ON Tour palette to create a shadow. This one was fun!  With love and magic,  Vegas Goldflake xo

[vegasgoldflake]

You are so gorgeous, wish I knew you :(

Oh my! Get to know me sparkle xo

[vegasgoldflake]

a: your teeth are super super cute and b. where is that choker from???

Thank you my snowflake. You’re super, super cute! I used to hate them but I embraced eventually. I got the choker from Lovisa in Australia but I’m sure it’s still in stock here :) xo

[vegasgoldflake]

Venus Palette - Modern 90′s Grunge Edit

I know a lot of people have an issue with LimeCrime but I can’t help but be head over heels with the Venus palettes. It covers every colour you could possibly want for a day or night look, is insanely pigmented and blends like butter. So here’s a rundown on the products I used to create this modern 90s grunge look with the Venus 2 palette.

BASE: - Smashbox Photo Finish Color Correcting primer - Revlon Colorstay Foundation Normal/Dry in 110 Ivory - Maybelline Fit Me concealer in 15 Fair - Loreal Infalible powder in Ivory

CHEEKS: - Rimmel Matte Bronzer in Sun Bronze - MAC Peaches blush - Mac Mineralize Skinfinish in Lightscapade

BROWS: - Loreal Gel Super Liner in Black - Ardell Brow Defining Kit

EYES: - Venus 2 palette in Mustard - Venus 2 palette in Jam - Inglot Black eyeshadow - Loreal Miss Manga mascara - GlamEyes intense lashes

LIPS: - Revlon Colorstay Lipliner in Mauve - Australis Velourlips Metallic Edition in Noo-d Fighters  

For me this is very product-light but I really liked the turn out. I have to say that Mustard from the Venus palette is a total holy grail and I hope I never hit pan. It looks beautiful on blue eyes! So there we have it, the first beauty product post of 2016! I hope all you darlings enjoyed. With love and magic, Vegas Goldflake xo

[vegasgoldflake]

Real Talk: An open letter to 2015

Vegas Sian Goldflake is my name you see, but lets get real for a moment. You’re all good 2015. You struck me with your lows, and hard, but I stood up and showed my battle wounds. I discovered more of me, more of who I am, what I want to do. So here’s a letter to you, 2015 and all my pets and petals:

The only problem with moving cities, countries, is that I leave a piece of my soul, a slither of my heart, wherever I go. I never quite feel whole anymore. Everywhere I am, I find myself wanting to be somewhere else, missing someone. Somewhere puzzle pieces of my heart lie, and to try and put it all back together is very near impossible. But I keep trying. This year has been yet another whirlwind, but for now, it has a much happier ending. This time last year the tears were falling, my heart was in smithereens and I couldn’t tell you what was up and what was down. I was post psychosis and I’m blessed that I haven’t truly been in that awful head space since then. However, thats not to say this year was all peachy, but I’m sure no-ones was. I was in an Intermediate Care Centre twice, saw a psychiatrist once a week and got to know my pharmacist on a first name basis. Nothing new, out of the ordinary. That’s how I scale a good year – how many prescriptions got filled.

I was lonely where I lived in Adelaide, Australia. I’m sure you all knew that, I wasn’t too quiet about the perks of New Zealand or anywhere that wasn’t there. I decided to pick myself up and dust myself off and then this happened, this blog came to be. I didn’t keep it up, so this is its resurgence, you see. Out of the blue I met a boy online, through mutual friends, and we started talking. It was swell, and fun, and the conversations were so intelligent that I would go to bed my head still reeling. After a month or two of talking, I logged onto gmail.com and there were flight tickets in my inbox – for the mere purpose of celebrating my birthday with all my friends back home. It was all I had wanted and he delivered without a question asked. So I went, not having a clue of what I was getting myself into. I got to New Zealand on full holiday mode. I met all these wonderful humans with real beating hearts and real glitter personalities. They light up the sky, I can tell you that much. I reconnected with old gal’s and honestly that never, ever gets old. The sun came up and went down and I was on it’s rollercoaster daily. For the first time in what felt like forever, days were passing where I could leave the house, get out of bed, not feel like death was calling me, gently. And I savoured it. And then it was time for me to go back home, to Adelaide. It really was time, I wasn’t ready for Wellington yet, I needed a bit more independence, confidence, to be myself - but really to try suppress an episode in front of others.

But hell, it was hard. Just being there and calling Adelaide home felt wrong. How quiet it was, how little I did. The main perks were my parents and my sweet, sweet dogs. But it wasn’t quite enough. I was overly aware that every time I fell apart, my Mum would catch me and put me back together. I couldn’t keep that up forever, I needed to know how to do it, bipolar, me, alone. I fell hard into pit of anxious depression, loneliness, and I was always missing something back home. I guess I began to live online, to keep all of my beautifuls within my clutches. But it was becoming a half lived life. As it always happens, I ended up in respite, in an Intermediate Care Centre and tried to be thankful that at least I wasn’t in the psychiatric ward. I did everything to try and show I was better. I wasn’t. I pretended that this was just a scheduled down phase. It wasn’t. What I didn’t know at the time was that I needed my home, I needed Wellington on a Good Day, I needed the coast, I needed to be breathing my girls’ air. The girls, all of my newer girls with steel hearts of love living back in my home town, got a little book collection together for me. I was worried how much it would cost them to post to me until one day, again, I logged onto my gmail. This time, from my Mum, I had a flight back home. She told me “You’re always better mentally when you have something to look forward to,” and she was right, of course. She had faith in me. So out of respite I was and packing for New Zealand unsure if or when I’d be coming back. I left a good 75% of my life in belongings there. Guess that goes to show what is important.

When I arrived, I knew immediately, I’m home. I wasn’t going back, not for a long time. I could do this, you could hurl episodes my way and I would take the bullets and stand up again, more authentic than before. This is where my bones will lie. And since then it’s been a whirlwind. This christmas I realised I did not have enough cards to go around to everyone I wanted – before my rare gems have been less than a handful, regardless gems nonetheless. This year both hands were cupping royalty in friendship. No, not everything is perfect and I won’t paint it so. I have changed medications twice a week for the past two months. Seen a psychiatrist and nurse every week. Have had mood fluctuations that would normally keep me out for a week in respite. And one minor breakdown which gave my closest friends and housemates a glimpse of what being bipolar can honestly manifest like. No, it wasn’t pretty and no I guess I haven’t been all that pretty since then. I’m just Vegas Sian Goldflake you see, I’m magic and thats how I survive here. I’m home. I’m in the water, I’m in the wind. I’m home. Nothing is perfect, nothing ever will be. Everyone can still see the cracks in me, I can still barely socialise. But it’s cool, right? ‘Cause you’re cool too so thanks for landing me here 2015. I’m liking '16 already, and I haven’t felt that way in years.

[traitspourtraits]

[vegasgoldflake]

LOVE ME LIKE I’M NOT MADE OF STONE - LYKKE LI There is a war inside my core I hear it fight, I hear it roar Go ahead, go ahead Lay your head where it burns Even though it hurts, even though it scars Love me when it storms, love me when I fall Every time it breaks, every time its torn Love me like I'm not made of stone