Scribbling my musings here, composing as the spirit moves me. Feel free to critique but do it with the precision of a seasoned surgeon, not the slobbering enthusiasm of a lovesick puppy. (23 y.o., V.)
now playing Pouya FEAR βΉβ β ft. Vinnie Hacker, reader
(previous)
It felt like an eternity had passed since you stumbled onto Vinnie's little plan to use you⦠in a, well, rather peculiar way. Maybe he was blissfully oblivious to your discovery, which probably explained why he kept chatting with you like nothing had happened.
You weren't exactly in the mood for a dramatic showdown, and frankly, after a whole month, dredging it all up felt about as appealing as eating week-old pizza. While your ego might have taken a teeny hit, it was a valuable lesson in not being a complete idiot. Now you knew exactly what Vinnie was up to when he pulled those extra-long hugs, and you'd gently shove him away with a knowing glint in your eye, practically whispering, 'I see what youβre doing there.' But Vinnie either truly didn't catch on, or, you know, he chose to ignore it.
You should probably send a thank-you note to this whole βadult lifeβ thing for its impeccably timed interference. Work became a total black hole, sucking up all your time and energy. There was barely any room for Discord calls, let alone actual parties. Half the social events happened without you, and before you knew it, you weren't even interested in them anymore. Bottom line? Things were progressing towards what you'd always suspected: your friendship with Vinnie had officially flatlined, and you were now just another face in his Instagram feed.
And that's how it should have ended, if not for the birthday greeting from him. Even more surprising was the gift he bought in Japan. He was thinking of you? And decided to, like, hold out on giving it until your birthday?
βWell yeah, we're friends,β heβd replied, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He clearly didn't get why he would forget. And you, biting back a snarky comment, just went with it, knowing full well that you hadn't exactly been in contact lately, and you'd pretty much assumed your friendship had flatlined. But apparently, not for him. He wanted to come. Wanted to celebrate your birthday, share cake, get a little tipsy, have some funβ¦ You'd had to shut down those plans pretty fast because, let's be real, it all reeked of messy drama. The warm fuzzies from the birthday wishes? Gone. Sure, it was nice he remembered, but the bitter taste of knowing he might have just been using your day as a pretext for his plans didnβt disappear.Β
βVinnie, what's going on?β you'd finally decided to have the conversation that was long overdue. He didn't get what you meant, because what he'd suggested was, in his mind, just good times with a friend. And his words... God, something snapped, and it just spilled out. βAre you trying to make her jealous again? Was that even working?β
He went silent. You saw him try to type something, and then... just vanished. Poof! Offline. No explanation.
βI thought so,β was the final nail in the coffin of any hope for an actual discussion.
Youβre probably a bad friend, after all. That thought hit you smack in the face as you blew out your candles, glancing across the room and catching Vinnie's eye. It was a flash, a split second, and you could have sworn his gaze was utterly blank, even if he was wearing a smile. Youβd shot down his plan to hang out one-on-one, but heβd still shown up to your low-key party with your actual friends. The irony wasn't lost on you. Something told you that he needed to be here, in that moment, far more than you needed him in your apartment.
βWe need to talk,β those were supposed to be your words, but since Vinnie decided to take the initiative, you weren't about to stop him. Experience screamed that this opportunity wouldn't come around again, and if you'd refused, you'd never find out what was actually eating at him.
Fast forward to him sprawled on your bed, like it was the most natural thing in the world, messing up your perfectly made-up blanket. Vinnie rubbed his eyes, trying to look remotely put-together. The silence was brutal, so you just asked the question again. βWhat's up?β
βI think... itβs stupid. I don't want to look like a total idiot, especially in front of you,β your eyebrow shot up at that. Was he admitting he was embarrassed to talk to you? Seeing your unimpressed expression, Vinnie sighed dramatically and mumbled, low enough that you almost missed it, βI'm afraid she doesn't love me.β
He flailed his hands and started rambling, although you were doing your best to keep a neutral expression. βStupid, right? I'm dating her, how can I not know that? But one minute everything's fine, the next I feel like I'm on the outside, and, you know, damn it, I needed someone to vent to. You're like... my friend, and maybe you can tell me what the hell is going on? And I... I'm just exhausted. I donβt get what I'm supposed to do anymore. It's like it's never enough, ever.β
Even a blind person would have seen that things were a complete mess between them. After finally meeting his girlfriend, you decided she was just⦠inert. Vinnie was kind of like that too, so, you know, birds of a feather and all that jazz. Except, that rule clearly didn't hold up when it came to lasting relationships.
βDid you talk to her?β
βNo, certainly not,β but then he rolled his eyes. βYes.β
You hated when Vinnie tried to dodge a serious conversation, but you got it. Defense mechanism and all that. With a snort, you flopped down on the bed, right next to him, staring up at those damn glow-in-the-dark stars, which were supposed to make your nights easier.
βI'm guessing the chat didn't exactly clear things up.β
βTemporarily,β he flipped over onto his side, resting his head on his hand for a better angle. βIt's so freaking annoying. I just don't get what's wrong.β
βHave you, like, considered... um...β
βBreaking up?β He totally called it, and you just nodded. βPfft. No. Iβ¦ look, I don't want to cave. Again. I'm good with her. Well, except for all this crap.β
Now, you definitely couldn't stop yourself from rolling your eyes. Vinnie seemed utterly clueless about what he actually wanted. Or maybe he was hopelessly in love and didn't want to let go.
βHey, I'm here spilling my guts, and this is the appreciation I get?β Seeing his small smile, you smiled back, and pushed him back because if you didnβt, he'd be kissing your face.
βI don't know what to tell you, Vinnie. You have to handle this with her, butβ¦β
βI get it,β he interrupted. βGotta figure it out myself, blah, blah, blah.β
βYou're impossible,β you sighed, figuring he was going to shrug it off. Maybe you were a bad friend. Or maybe, just maybe, you were tired of being his go-to shoulder to cry on? Who knows. βNobody can tell you what to do in your relationship, get it? Iβm sure everyone who's told you this has always wished the best for you. And I, too. But, Vinnie, pulling some shady tricks to understand what your girlfriend is thinking isn't okay.β
He nodded, like he knew what you were getting at, and you wanted a hint of remorse, but there was nothing. Welp, looks like no apology. With a sigh, you started to get off the bed, but Vinnie caught your hand, stopping you like in some cheesy rom-com.
His eyes, which had been so empty moments ago, held a real, desperate plea. βLook,β he started, his voice rough, βI know I messed up. And maybe I am using you, or this whole situation, as a way to... work things out. But I'm seriously lost, alright? And yeah, maybe I wanted her to see us together and get jealous, but that was dumb. It's not about getting her jealous anymore. It's aboutβ¦ I don't know. If I can't even trust what I feel, or if Iβm just, you know, a placeholder for her, then whatβs the point?β He squeezed your hand. βYou're the only one I actually talk to about this without all the drama. Soβ¦ just tell me. What should I do?β
You gently tugged your hand away, a weird mix of annoyance and pity swirling inside you. The star-covered ceiling seemed to be mocking you. βVinnie,β you said, and your voice was softer now, with the sass gone, βthe answer isnβt with me. It's about what you want, and what you're prepared to do to get it. If you're not happy, then you have to be the one to change it. And if that meansβ¦ you know. Figure out what you really want, and then, maybe, then you can have a real conversation with her.β
He just stared at you. The silence stretched out between you, getting heavier again.
Then you added, with a touch of your usual sass back in action, βAnd for the record, Iβm not a licensed therapist, nor am I a mind-reader.β
He gave a chuckle, the sound hollow in the quiet room. He didn't move to sit up, and stayed where he was on the bed. βRight. Of course. Sorry for, you know, acting like you were my actual friend.β The sarcasm was thick, but you could tell that he was actually frustrated.
βYou didn't treat me like your actual friend, Vinnie. You used me as your personal problem-solver,β you stated, but you werenβt angry. βAnd Iβm done fixing problems that arenβt even mine to deal with. But I'm here to listen, if you ever wanna talk.β
He finally sat up and messed up his hair. βYeah. Okay. Got it.β He seemed completely bummed out, and the bravado was gone. βThanks. For, you know... not kicking me out, I guess.β
You smiled at him. βAnytime, Vin. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got birthday cake that I need to eat.β
He managed to grin, and said, βRight. Cake.β He stood up, and you saw a flicker of the old Vinnie. βSo, am I allowed to eat some, or is it another problem Iβm going to solve?β
You rolled your eyes, but you were still smiling. βDon't even think about getting any frosting on my blanket. Thatβs a problem you really don't wanna start.β
His drama, you guessed, wasnβt over, but you had done your best for the night. You didn't know if he'd heard you, or if he'd just retreat back into his own head. All you knew was that you'd given him your honest opinion. And maybe you were a good friend after all, a friend who knew when to stop being a doormat and start telling the hard truths.
now playing Foals LONELY HUNTER βΉβ β ft. Vinnie Hacker
(previous)
The moment that text from Vinnie's girlfriend popped up on your phone, something inside you twitched. Cue the dramatic music, it felt like the reckoning was finally here.
You and Vinnie hadn't exactly been up to anything scandalous. A platonic hug here, a crash-on-the-couch situation there (usually with other people around). You weren't trying to steal anyone's boyfriend! You usually went out of your way to avoid them when they were all couple-y, just to be safe. But maybe, just maybe, the fact that you were the first place he thought of when he was tipsy set off some alarm bells for his girl. And she seemed nice enough, Vinnie's girlfriend. Liliana. You'd even had a couple of friendly chats. No red flagsβ¦ until now, apparently.Β
Let's be real, his relationship didn't exactly scream "perfect fairytale" from the outside either. Remember that birthday party last month? They were holding hands, sure, but you could practically see them plotting their escape routes. And Vinnie? He'd been fighting with everyone lately. One friend group one week, another the next. Honestly, you were surprised you were still even on Vinnie's radar. It's not like you two were BFFs. You figured it was only a matter of time before Vinnie Hacker ghosted you into oblivion, which was totally understandable given his lifestyle.
So, the meeting with Liliana was set. Neutral territory β a cafe down the street from Vinnie's place. After battling traffic, you finally waltzed in, sweating a little, and spotted Liliana waving awkwardly from a booth in the back. Secluded, of course.
To your surprise, she'd even ordered your usual! Cue the awkward small talk, punctuated by the clinking of silverware. For a second, you thought maybe this wasn't an interrogation. Maybe Liliana just wanted to be friends. Not that you'd ever think to invite her to coffee otherwise.
βI wanted to thank you,β she said quietly, giving you a confused look. You just knew it was about that night she didn't pick him up from yours. Liliana caught your confusion, and scoffed. βFor taking care of him. He'd never say it, but I thought someone should.β
Vinnie bailed the next morning with some lame excuse and a promise to text. Surprise, surprise, nothing. Whatever. But Liliana kept stirring her straw in her drink.
βIt's good he has friends who are willing to be there for him, no matter what.β All very touching, but you had a feeling she was stalling, working up to the "stay away from my man" speech.
βHe was looking for you,β you blurted out, just to fill the silence. Liliana just gave a dry little laugh. A laugh! And then looked away, like she was contemplating the mysteries of the universe. Was that how a girlfriend was supposed to react? You didn't know what was going on.
βUgh, Vin,β Liliana sighed, then abruptly switched gears and asked how you were doing.
Seriously?! You were so uncomfortable, even though you couldn't put your finger on why. When you finished droning on about your project, you had to ask the question that was eating you alive. And Liliana? She just smiled. A slow, gentle, pitying smile, like you were a toddler asking where babies come from. And suddenly that cheesecake she bought you felt like a lead brick in your stomach.
You had been trying so hard to stay out of their relationship drama, but now something told you that you were neck-deep in it, without even realizing. Maybe you should have just turned Hacker around that night. Maybeβ¦
βPlease don't hold it against him,β Liliana said softly, while you were still trying to process everything she'd just dropped, which had left you staring blankly into space. βA person in love does stupid things.β
How could she say that so calmly? It was mind-boggling that his girlfriend was casually telling you how her boyfriend wanted to make her jealous, so he headed straight to your place because, once upon a time, Liliana jokingly said you two would have been a good match if you'd met earlier.
You didn't know what to feel! Rage at Vinnie for using you in such a dumb way? Or bewilderment that Liliana seemed completely unbothered?! You thought she'd be hating your guts for even talking to Vinnie, but instead, you got some kind of condescending pity?
Storming home, you imagined crafting the perfect angry text to Vinnie, telling him what an idiot he was and that you don't treat friends like that. But when you finally collapsed into your bed, face buried in the blanket that still smelled faintly of his cologne, you realized you didn't have the energy for any of it. At least, huh, he didn't try to pull any romantic nonsense that night, otherwise, you would have felt even worse. Because, for a split second, you might have actually believed that Vinnie Hacker had feelings for you.
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