tell me how to get past this

CHA SUHYEON / TELL ME HOW IM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ANGRY? TELL ME HOW IM SUPPOSED TO NOT LOOK UP AT THE SKY AND DEMAND ANSWERS. NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN MINE !

[velvetspins]

hi there ! i’m arcane, (he/him, 24), and i’m here to introduce cha suhyeon, your local perfectionist who can be bribed with vanilla iced lattes and will probably never be caught with a single hair out of place. if you’d like to plot, go ahead and like this post and i’ll come and say hi ! without further ado, the red velvet curtain opens to.. cha suhyeon !

profile / biography !

-- everything he does is a dance. a well calculated move. he was not raised by a famous actor and singer to be born of nothing, he was born to be someone with grace, with poise. he smiles, it’s a dance. he looks you in the eye, he knows that it is supposed to mean something. and so he does. no one ever asked him if he didn’t want to.

-- is there something about him.. ah, he was in several roles, standing in the background, the main actor’s friend, his brother, that one worker in the coffee shop who spilled the coffee all over the love interest for the main actor to swoop in. but then, last year, he worked his way up. a darling’s dahlia, that’s what it was called again. he was the second love interest that still lost out, that dependable, childhood sweetheart role that he played so well.

-- from there.. what was it again? that ad for that perfume that smelled like late nights & the interior of an expensive sports car? that was him. is he wearing the latest coat from that fashion line plastered all over the magazines right next to the bottles of soda in the local convenience store? he is, indeed. he was the one on the magazine, too.

-- he’s so perfect people always try to find the cracks in the surface, and maybe it’s right there, in the corners of his eyes, where the happiness doesn’t quite reach. nobody ever asks him if he wanted this. nobody even cares about him, they care that he’s cha suhyeon, son of cha minseok and cha sora. never just suhyeon. he’s stopped trying to find someone who wants to look past the mask.

-- is anyone wondering when cha suhyeon would finally break? maybe it was that video posted all over social media, the one where he’s obviously drunk and blowing out smoke and stumbling into the arms of another in the dark. social media certainly was, and it’s a hit to his reputation that changes him. maybe he’s the same on the outside, but there is something there, now, that wasn’t there before. his gaze a little sharper, his hands, seeking out in the dark, now, instead of the light.

-- a film, television, and multimedia major, due to the fact that he grew up around cameras, looking at them and admiring the winking, clear glass from afar as he watched his father change in front of it, and learned how to follow in his steps. everyone has always told him to look here and stand over there but he wants to know why. he wants to hold the camera and see the vision and hopes that somehow, if he can understand this, maybe he can better understand himself.

-- he lives in an apartment off campus alone. maybe it’s a little empty, and maybe it’s also the only place he feels like he can breathe, no one to watch him slouch his shoulders or fall asleep on the couch watching dramas. maybe he sings into the shower in the mornings, but it’s only because no one else can hear the longing in his voice that echoes off of the walls.

-- he’s gotten so good at pretending, faking a smile, playing a part, that he doesn’t know how to not. maybe this new feeling in his chest, one that feels like a craving for redemption, one that looks a lot like proving to his parents that he can make them proud, maybe that’s the one that breaks him out of his role.

-- cha suhyeon’s got a lot of learning to do, with this newfound desire to make a name for himself. it’s about time that he truly learned how to dance.

@virtuemedia

[velvetspins]

    ━━ ZOOM IN, FOCUS ! AN EVENT SOLO

suhyeon’s not been a stranger to cameras, all of his life. when he was younger, it was his parents making sure to capture each one of his milestones, and it quickly lead to tv reality shows and seeing them trained on his father, and then they were on him, too, for the commercials he filmed, the dramas he landed. he remembers them at events, snapping moments of his parents on either one of his sides, dripping in the most expensive clothing and jewelry and suhyeon remembering to smile for so long his cheeks ached.

for the modelling he has tried out, holding himself in the correct positions, shifting from one to the next, he remembers the way that his mother used to stand off to the sidelines, could see the way he needed to correct himself in her eyes. straightening up more, making sure that the emotion reached his eyes, and that it wasn’t as empty as all of this made him feel sometimes.

he found a camera laying around at his house, stacked up on a shelf like it was put there to keep, no more space anywhere else but to gather dust here, forgotten. cleaning it up with gentle hands, he found that it still worked, and so he discovered the film that it needed, loaded it up and taught himself how to use it. it’s what he has in his hands, now, perched up on the stone steps near to the entrance to one of the academic buildings, and he has the strap around his neck as he brings the camera up to his eye, looking through the viewfinder. there’s a group of friends, laughing and stumbling along, carrying backpacks and bags and watered down cups of coffee, someone with headphones in, hurrying along and turning the world around them in a blur, and someone reading off of a packet of papers, pacing, several feet away, muttering words under their breath almost as an incantation, but it’s probably just last minute cramming.

he supposes he has been all of these things, in his time here. he shifts the camera to the leaves of a nearby tree, watching the way the branches arch out into different paths, connecting to varying parts and leading off to another. suhyeon thinks that humans are a lot like that, too, though not quite as solitary, even more free then when the wind rustles the leaves and threatens to disrupt their peaceful placement among the branches. there is the way that he has his own connections, and those lead to another, and another, and if he was just a single curve of life along the pathway of so many others, he wonders just what his branches would look like, how they lead all of the way back down to the root.

welcome week had been a bit of a blur, by now. the way that the lens looks when he zooms in and out too quickly, and he has to wait for the world to focus. he had applied to the photography club, and finds himself now, behind a camera, wondering if somehow that will prepare him better for what lies ahead, and maybe it will give him some perspective. he had been searching all week for potential candidates, and from behind the camera, finds himself looking from as many places as he could think to seek out. at the library, in the corner, tucked between mysteries and romance, the dusty shelves just like he rescued his camera from, wrapped in the scent of old books and worn bindings. he had been on the stretch of grass that students often laid out blankets to relax on or work, and he had looked up to the blue sky, coated in fluffy clouds of white, and wondered if what he was looking for truly laid between.

here, there is the sun, offset by the awning he rests beneath, one leg tucked up against his chest and the other hanging down, bouncing the back sole of his shoe against the brick as he sweeps his view. he can barely hear it in his ears. there is that freshman that he had seen around, meandering inbetween the club booths, and at the concert, in which suhyeon had not been able to find what he was looking for, either, but he remembers the face in the crowd. maybe just another perspective student, but suhyeon wonders why he continues to see him when he isn’t trying.

he remembers the way the freshman smiled at each of the club representatives, and he thinks about if he chose one, or if he was just kind enough to speak and shake the hand of everyone he met. maybe the kindness to offset something else, something hidden, suhyeon thinks of the way that he offsets the discomfort of his lifestyle for his mother, stretched smile over teeth and a lot of hope that it doesn’t change the look in his eyes. he is here for a show, not for a heart to heart, not for anything other then the way he presents himself. remembering the curtains being drawn, all of this is a stage, a show, that suhyeon guides himself through the motions of.

he wonders if this is a show to him, too. and there he is, through the viewfinder, making his way up the stairs. he’s alone, but whenever he meets the eyes of someone, he smiles wide. the warmth reaches his eyes. suhyeon lets the camera fall against his chest and slides down off the stairwell, falling into step beside him up into the building. “hi! i’m cha suhyeon, are you new here?”

later that night, he’s reaching out for a pen and paper and committing his results with ink. he thinks it’s the pen that he actually procured from the calligraphy booth, and it glides well over the paper as he records the name of the freshman that he met earlier. in a practiced, neat scrawl, he commits all of his thoughts to permanence.

... in all of my observations, he treated every interaction with the utmost kindness and respect. every new person he encountered, he took his time to make sure they felt like they had his attention, and it was obvious to see that his interest was genuine. i believe he would be a great potential candidate for next year’s pledge class because of this trait that he has, in which i have the most confidence he would extend to all other pledges alongside him if he was indeed chosen.

i believe this ability could lead to an uncanny advantage at making connections and smoothing over even the most tangled sort of interactions for the benefit of the candidate, all potential negativity offset by the positive outlook and cadence of the individual. if he could certainly become aware and harness this capability, i believe him to be an invaluable addition to the society and what they stand for...

suhyeon folds the paper, and seals it carefully in an envelope. there is a gentle shake in his hands that he quells, and passes his report along. that night, he stares at the camera on his desk, that empty, glass curve of the lens, night time stretching long across his ceiling, and hopes, quietly, that he has made all of the correct moves.

[velvetspins]

 ━━ SPILT INK & FIRST IMPRESSIONS !  ❝ @secretiscariot ❞

the sun is bright enough for suhyeon to squint, hand coming up to try and block the rays as he swaps from booth to booth. its seems suitable enough, with all of the bustle, all of the students engaging in little activities set up by each club, laughing and chatting enough to fill up the air with it like a bunch of tiny balloons all bouncing off one another, held on by thin strings. and suhyeon feels most of the same himself, like he’s wandering through each of the stalls as if he’s being carried by wind instead of his feet, searching for just the right fit. he finally had enough time this semester for it-- at the very least, he would try to ensure that he could.

there had been the photography club earlier-- he was still clutching several brochures in his hands as he extended greetings to those he passes but doesn’t truly stop by, knowing that he isn’t really that good at cooking, no, and perhaps not a knitting club either.. but maybe something with a camera, even if it wasn’t just like filming, suhyeon could be behind the lens instead of in front of it, for a change, see what it’s like to be the one viewing the world through the viewfinder instead of being the subject. shift his perspective, see the world from a different view.

he still thinks he should be thorough enough to try and see all of them-- they came and set up, took the time to present themselves for new members, and suhyeon only has a schedule later in the day. he had the time. he’s coming up on something called.. he’s peering up at the sign, seeing calligraphy club outlined in fanciful letters, the shape of one of those nice fountain pens leading out from the end, and swooping his vision back down, finding a familiar face. from the party, someone he hadn’t been able to speak to, but had landed his gaze upon throughout the night enough to recognize him here, too.

he walks a little closer. it seems that they’re giving out free pens.

suhyeon smiles, looking like he’s quite interested in the multiple flyers they’ve got taped up and scattered over the table right next to the bucket of them, and takes a spot right next to the familiar face. he pretends to scan them, leaning in with an amused noise filtering out of his mouth when the representative tells him just how many different fonts they teach their club members how to do.

“ah, so you’re interested in writing?” he directs towards the other man, lips still stretched in a slow grin as he accepts a brochure to add to his collection, gaze moving back towards him to meet his eyes for the answer to his question. “cha suhyeon. i don’t think we were able to introduce ourselves the other night.”

[velvetspins]

  ━━ THREE, TWO, ONE.... !

     an open starter.

it’s another party, event, socialization, a crowd of important people from all different paths of elite life all placed into one room, suits and sweeping gowns and champagne to try and float everyone through the evening. it’s one that suhyeon has seen so many of he could probably recount every single step he takes in a night almost like a practiced set of lines, one he could repeat diligently, if not for the fact that he is getting tired of saying the words. like muscle memory, they settle in his mouth and he bears them, still smiles through his teeth and swallows down all of the things that he wishes he could be saying, something like i have really just seen you at the previous event, it hasn't been that long, why are you acting like that when i know you truly do not care about me? he is reaching out to return a hug, patting the back of another and hitching his chin over their shoulder for a bare moment, hand expertly holding his glass of champagne to not spill across the edge. he watches the bubbles float up to the top and pulls back just as he feels the way the person leans back, used to watching for gestures like this, acting smoothly without any hiccups.

here, he thinks, i don’t remember your wife’s name, and i barely remember yours, but i’m going to smile through this and pretend that i remember meeting you at that party and accidentally swiping one of the last sandwiches and giving it to you instead. do you make up these stories before you attend these things? truly, does no one else have more time for other things than relentlessly keeping up appearances? and he knows the answer, so he continues to smile and laugh and return all of the pleasantries that make his skin crawl. he can see his mother and father across the room, doing much of the same of what he is doing, with the practiced ease of doing this in the industry for years and years longer then he has. and when he catches his mother’s eyes, there is a sharpness he thinks he could only see in the nation’s sweetheart, one that says, behave. you can crumble when we leave. and he only straightens his back and smiles brighter, because how could she even begin to see the signs when he hadn’t yet realized?

he downs the rest of the champagne and weaves through the crowd. he’s avoiding eye contact when he can to not start anymore conversations, can already feel the tightness of his collar and the way that all of this is wearing on him. in between school and work and his mother piling more and more onto his schedule, the fatigue of it all had begun to slide further onto his shoulders, weighing him down and down until he feels like he could lay and become one with the floor in order to feel like he can properly handle it all. suhyeon’s sweeping the glass onto a tray of empty ones and finding an exit, one that’s shadowed by velvet drapes and a lone, empty hallway, dimmed from light and probably not intended for guests to venture down.

he hoped that his mother hadn’t seen him-- had been too involved in her conversation with.. whoever that was, he had only seen half a glance, as he had found his way out of the party to take a breath. it seems to all be zeroing in, vision coming in on the sides with a darkness like a vignette as he leans back against a cool, marble wall and attempts to shut his eyes and focus on air filling up his lungs, pushing it out, feeling it one by one. he should be better at this. he shouldn’t be doing this, in the first place.

there, the shame filtering in. the fact that he should be doing better than this. he shouldn’t be breaking this soon into the party, and he still has the whole night ahead of him. maybe it’s everything getting to him, lately, but he feels it run through him, hands coming up to gently cover over his eyes-- he can’t mess up his makeup, or his hair, and so it’s a contained breakdown, one he tries to do quickly. he has to get back to the party. suhyeon keeps repeating it over and over in his mind, tries to count, anything to bring him back to himself enough to return back out to the party, cha suhyeon, the son he is supposed to be. not all of these pieces of himself he is scrambling to put back together piece by piece.

[velvetspins]

━━━━━━━━━✎ . . . . ( @saerinity ! )

it just means she needs must take the first step. “hi.” she touches the corner of the table, a fraction of an inch away from his elbow. cha suhyeon, son of. yoon saeri, daughter of. they orbit the others, circulate through propriety and social graces, though she knows something else of his has been making its rounds, too. she withholds her judgment to smile at him. “it’s not a surprise to see you,” she decides, “but it’s a pleasure.” taps the table in between the two of them, a barrier to the wider floor beyond, occupied by people whose names will be spoken by multitudes. “aren’t you going to dance?”

tw: blood, small injury

there is a touch just short of his elbow. sweeping his gaze, it’s someone more familiar then even some of these other faces he has seen throughout the night-- even more so, because he had seen her previous to this party, before this dinner, before they knew about any of this. backwards, several hours, rolling back like a movie tape, and suhyeon had been passing by a convenience store, on the way towards a car waiting to take him to the place outlined in the invitation. then there is a bump, his hands going out to steady, mouth opening to spill out words, something like im sorry but it falls silent. blood on his hands. blood on her hands, smeared against fingertips reaching out to keep from falling, yet words are the only thing stopping short.

eyes to eyes and suhyeon is familiar with this too, disregarding the iron in the air to regard her. “saeri?”

now, a whole night later, and his eyes look to the hand on the table. gloves. no blood, no bandages, wrapped by his own careful hands, careful for inhales of breath, for any utterance of words of aches. her voice an echo, a calmer one, then the one he recalls from earlier. an eyebrow swoops upward, an amused curl to his lips. “hello. certainly, likewise. a reunion quicker then i had anticipated, but welcomed. i hope.. you are feeling well. better,” he comments, head slightly tilting to the side. he won’t say much, there is always the acknowledgement, in the back of his mind, that there could be someone else listening in, watching. it follows him, as reliable as a shadow, echoing all of his movements, a whisper in his ear to remember, to straighten his back.

he had been resting, admittedly, his feet aching in these dress shoes even through the amount of times that he had worn them, he feels like there was always going to be something that didn’t quite fit, even through all of these years. son of his parents, cha suhyeon yes, for however much he strains to have that name be known, there is still a part of him that feels like he’s a puzzle piece that was never quite made for the larger picture decided even before he had learned his own shape, where he was supposed to fit into the world.

“i suppose i might in a little while. i was taking a bit of a break. care to join me?” he says, and he’s shifting in his chair to sit up a little, flashes to earlier, lowering down into one, taking her hands carefully to assess the damage, to tend to what had been hurt, eyes careful and voice even quieter as he gets used to the tang in the air, to the fact that he knew her but not like this, not vulnerable, was used to seeing the picture and the projection but not what hid below. it wasn’t a moment that he intended to catch, but one he tries to handle carefully. despite all of his reservations, everything that he knows, he still could not deny someone who is hurting his help when he was in the position to offer it.

suhyeon’s offering the empty chair adjacent to him as he had offered his hands earlier. he’s wondering if beneath the gloves, those bandages he had wrapped and spun to keep everything carefully contained were still waiting, wondered if there was a worry of staining through to the gloves. he had not done it necessarily to last, and it is not like he knew he was extending this gesture to go to this party, too. he had assumed two different paths, a convenient clash of fate that they were in the same place, same time.

funny how things worked out. still that smile curves on his lips, amused.

earlier-- not a smile, but a question.

“why do you continue to let him make you feel like this?”

[velvetspins]

  ━━ SET THE HORIZON TO ORANGE !  ❝ @nectcr ❞

suhyeon was tired. and usually, this meant that nothing would really be out of place other than his eyes, maybe an edge to them that wasn’t quite right, a little softened, a little like he’s a few seconds from letting his guard down but he’s still holding strong. it was kind of like in the morning, when the sun was waiting to crest over the horizon, and everything was still dim and quiet, like one footstep and a crunch of a leaf could set the world on fire.

and so suhyeon knocking over his coffee would be his equivalent of the world on fire. sun streaming over the lines of the trees, setting everything aglow in a warm orange. he watches it spill over the table and out onto the concrete, as he had just sat down and reached for his laptop, wanted to work on something before his next class. and he’ll blame it on the exhaustion, he’ll blame it on the fact that he just got off the phone with his mother and that saps more of his energy than he’d like to admit. perfect answers, correct tone, the fact that she had woken him up early for an audition out of the blue when he had repeatedly asked her to slow down, his studies come first.

he knows they don’t, in her eyes. complaints fall on ears that don’t want to listen, specifically to his voice. so he keeps most of it to himself. follows her dutifully, falls into step.

maybe he had been really counting on that coffee to uplift his mood. at least it didn’t spill on his laptop, he reasons, but there’s still that edge, there, the fact that he hadn’t even had a sip of it before it kissed the pavement and he waves goodbye to all of that beautiful caffeine. he supposes his dedication to his coffee intake is a little concerning. suhyeon believes that out of all things, this is the last one he will worry about at the moment.

and so here is the predicament, the moment that suhyeon hesitates. he thinks he might have a tissue in his bag, but it isn’t enough to sop up the whole mess without spreading it around. and so he’d have to pack everything up, locate a bathroom, find more tissues. then the table will be all sticky, but he wonders if he’ll look like he’s abandoning the situation instead of coming back, and the girl sitting in the table next to him looks.. familiar.

oh, yes. the party. that’s where he had seen her.

the coffee wasn’t anywhere in her direction, really, a sad puddle on the ground next to him but nothing that would’ve gotten to her. he’d glad that it was more of a pitiful coffee waterfall then a fountain of it. still so tired, yet he seeks out the best in the situation he can.

“ah.. i. recall seeing you at the party the other night. i’m cha suhyeon. sorry that the first time you see me afterwards is.. like this, but. do you happen to have any napkins or tissues? it’s alright if you don’t, i just supposed i would ask,” suhyeon asks of her, projecting his voice in her direction to garner her attention. his voice is soft, expression a bit sheepish, hand drawing his hair back behind his ear as he asks it of her.

[velvetspins]

━━━━━━━━━ ✎ . . . . ( @chxngho ! )

“ryu changho,” the young man states, his eyes lingering over suhyeon’s face, picture-perfect, he finds himself a bit starstruck. “my ma used to watch your show a lot,” he admits, his canines showing as he smiled back. “ she’d get mad when we would talk over you,

suhyeon returns the gesture, that smile on his lips pulling upwards, maintained as he hums in agreement. “it was a lovely dinner, though i wouldn’t think that the food makes up for the blindfolding. maybe what came after.. that could redeem it, enough, at least for me,” he murmurs, and his question about them both being placed in the temperance line makes his eyebrows furrow slightly, following with the slight push upwards of his shoulder.

“i suppose we might have things in common, then?” he ventures, and lets out a little sigh. “or it could be completely random. with time, it’s possible we’ll find out. it would mean the same for everyone else, then, too, wouldn’t it?” he mumbles, and finally brings the glass to his lips, taking a sip and allowing that to calm him, even if it’s just for a second, that burst of bubbles in his mouth.

when he mentions that his mother used to watch a show that he was in, it makes genuine warmth bloom over his face, his smile perfect and white and wide. it’s his knee-jerk reaction, his parents making it paramount that recognition in this industry, in this world, is everything, and when someone notices him for.. something he’s done, first, it somehow pleases him even more then hearing hey, aren’t you the son of... maybe there will always be that moment of fear in his heart that it’s that, that it’s the one thing he wished he wasn’t known for, but like this, suhyeon’s reaction is still calm, poised. there is a genuine settling in his heart that it’s this, easier to swallow, easier to handle, then how he has to react when it isn’t.

“it’s nice to meet you, changho. i’m glad to hear if she enjoyed it-- though i’m certainly not worth being told to be quiet over, i believe,” suhyeon muses, and there’s a playful smile on his lips as he arches an eyebrow. “if you were speaking over me, did that mean you were a bit less interested?” it’s clear he’s joking, and he leans his hip against the nearby railing, crossing an arm over his chest to lay a hand over the incline of his arm, bent at the elbow to hold his glass.

“i don’t blame you, really. they’re mostly romance, so. not everybody’s cup of tea, truly,” suhyeon’s speaking more out towards the night, and he doesn’t mind too much, not really. he had always been approached for roles where he’s some sort of crush, or love interest, that perfect representation of the boyfriend type, even though he’s never been placed in a leading role. always just a little too good, so good that he lacks the interest needed for the girl to fall for him. such a clean cut image that suhyeon was so good at pretending to be, wrapped in a bow of many years of his parents coaxing him into all of the right mannerisms and speech.

“do you.. suppose there will be more surprises tonight, or the one time blindfolding was the extent of it?” suhyeon asks, and he’s looking away from out into the night, from changho, back towards the party and everyone interacting, feeling a bit detached from it all like this. “i do think two blindfolds would be a bit excessive,”

[velvetspins]

  ━━ STRINGS OF PEARLS AND PROVERBS !  ❝ @laurcnt ❞

the curved, empty glass of a camera pointed right at him-- suhyeon is used to this feeling, to having to shift and change in front of it, like the progression of a transformation, in which he leaves everything in the world behind. it is then just him and that translucent stare, that steady red light that signals it’s recording, it is not the breath stuck in his throat, but it is the careful way that he tilts his chin, holds his hands.

suhyeon has grown up in front of it, had spent his childhood revering at the large, dark machinery and how it moved, first knew it well for the way that he watched his father from behind screens, his mother’s hand in his own to keep him standing still, not disrupting the set. he remembers always being so excited on the days that he got to visit him, watch him work, the way he, in a moment, was no longer his father, but the role he was accepted into, always looked on in awe, fingers clasped around his mother’s, holding on tight to ensure her that he wouldn’t think of letting go.

he is also used to the feeling of being dressed in clothes that are not his own, having them pinned and sewn to fit his figure, having makeup dabbed on his face, not once fidgeting in the chair. there is the way his hair is swooped over his forehead, he is used to direction, he is used to his mother watching on from the side, he is used to the way that he straightens his shoulders, schools his expression, performs this well, all for her.

so when sera asks him to help with her projects-- well. it’s not something new to him. there is an easy smile on his lips as he watches her fiddle with the hem, assess how it looks on him, and he stands still, lets her move his arms, change his position, anything she needs. they are warm afternoons, he remembers, in which he lets the air be filled with idle conversation, asking her about recent jobs that she had done, dwindling down to school, balancing work and classes and somehow finding time in the middle of it all to relax.

it’s practiced, it’s easy, and he doesn’t mind standing for however long if it means that he can help her, so whenever he receives a message from her about it, he’ll try and clear out a part of his schedule so that he can. things had been a little busy, recently, and suhyeon thinks it’s probably been a few weeks since he had seen sera, and then she’s at the dinner and the proceeding party-- and he finds that he’s unable to find a moment to have a conversation with her until after the blindfolds, the signing away, when the alcohol starts to really circulate, and things relax enough that he finds an opening.

“sera!” he says, bright grin on his lips, white teeth, a glint in his eye as he comes into view. “it’s nice to see you here-- if i had known we had both been attending, i would have asked for some of your advice on what to wear,” suhyeon says, and he’s finally devoid of anything in his hands, one slipped into his pocket while one raises to trace his fingers over the lapel of his suit.

“i happened to pick this on my own-- what do you think? do i get the sera gold star of approval with my choices?” suhyeon’s asking, raising an eyebrow with a bit of a laugh, smoothing a wrinkle down near the buttons, hand falling back down to his side.

“you look lovely, by the way. as you always do,” he compliments, warm tone and genuine cadence to his voice. and it is, it is, but there is always his mother’s voice in the back of his mind, make sure to greet them nicely. say hello, compliment their clothes, speak to them about their interests, small details you remember of them, recalls the way that her hair shone in the light, how he listened with rapt attention and committed all of the words to memory, a collection of them that will never leave the echoes of his mind in every encounter that he has.

here it is again, here it will be in the future, a song that he will never forget, one that he sings sweetly, perfectly, completely.

[velvetspins]

  ━━ MAZE LOOPS & STARS SPUN !  ❝ @cunzais ❞

suhyeon watches as everyone gets increasingly more inflicted by the alcohol-- considering the glass he has in his hands, he had been working on it for awhile now, maybe the past half hour, sipping at it lightly as he intends to maintain his sobriety at a light buzz. he continues to edge out towards the walls instead of where everyone happens to be conversing amid the middle, hoping for a little more fresh air towards the lining of the room instead of how it felt where he was previously, like everything was an gentle uproar, a buzzing, vibrations in his chest with the chatter of everyone overlapping.

out here, it feels a little like suhyeon can take in a breath, and usually he’s very good at maintaining this, considers that the way that the evening had proceeded had thrown him a little off from the way he usually envisions his outings. he usually likes them to be as planned out as possible, especially when he knew he was going somewhere for appearances, finding some comfort in the planning out of his hours, of knowing just exactly when and where he’d be, so he could plan his exit before he tired out, before he lost enough energy to be aware enough of every move that he made.

it was a tiring thing to do-- to keep track of every step, every brush of his hands, the straightness of his posture and the quirk of his mouth. playing this part, moving with purpose, with grace, with the exactness of making sure every move could be counted as part of a very intricate dance. it is in which suhyeon is every single thing that his parents have taught him to be, kind, friendly, easy to approach, amicable, laughs easily and intends to enact the same sort of action likewise with whoever he meets.

he’s taking the moment to breathe, in, out and he looks over, sees a face that he feels like he can pin to something from his memory.. he feels like he had heard, echoing to his ears, that he was one of the students that made the new school record for the track team, mutterings of him being han insoo’s stepbrother, the words having been the ones that had peaked his interest, leaning into the conversation only to see why his name was being mentioned.

suhyeon could almost laugh-- with the amount of people here who had some sort of relation to han insoo, who was literally across the room, his knuckles momentarily clasp white around the glass in his hands. he supposes fate was funny and liked to play, for anywhere that he ever went in this school, he found himself encountering his name, finding out in some way or another, there is another person or another place that han insoo has related himself to. it was like a maze where he constantly kept running into false ends, and wondering, wondering when he’d finally find the exit.

a little while ago, he wondered if maybe the exit was through, maybe instead of avoiding the roses with the blood red blooms, afraid of the thorns, he should get closer, find what lies at the roots. maybe this is one of those times, an opportunity to find another way out of the maze. tonight, at least, becoming one of the pledges, felt like maybe there was another path opened up in the hedges, in the dark of the night that suhyeon had felt like he had been running in circles and loops, staring up as the stars blur, just out of reach.

he makes his way over to him, an easy smile growing on his lips as he leans a bit into his space, making himself known. “hello,” suhyeon greets, and he makes sure that the expression reaches his eyes, warm, kind. there is his dark hair sweeping down into his eyes, earrings twinkling expensive metal against each other as he moves, a flurry of bells, maybe, to complement the sleek lines of his suit, an echo of the curve of his jaw, each perfect movement that he makes. “did you make it over here to get a little air?” he asks, tilting his head a bit to the side with his question, a resounding hum in his own throat.

“or maybe some people watching. considering this entire event.. well. i wouldn’t blame you. a better vantage point seems better than none at all,” there’s a hint of a laugh at the edge of his words, joking, though he does believe that there is some truth to it-- suhyeon would willingly seek out somewhere that felt like he was the one watching and not being the watched, and if it was about positioning, about finding the perfect spot-- then suhyeon would deem that the correct one to begin a dance.

[velvetspins]

  ━━ RECOGNITION AS FAMILIAR FLASHES !  ❝ @goldvnboy ❞

he’s had a few flutes of champagne pass through his fingers at this point, cognizant of the fact that he’ll slow, soon, and switch to something else that doesn’t have any alcohol. suhyeon lets it happen just because of the way the night had gone-- aware of his tolerance and the people in the room, and he’s not about to find himself anything past a light buzz that will wear off quickly. he thinks of all of the events in his life that he’s simply just gotten used to holding a glass to have something to do with his hands, giving him an excuse to pretend to take a sip from his glass when he lets the barest amounts touch his tongue, before he retracts, leaves it for another point in the conversation he needs the save.

it’s then that he spots someone he recognizes once more, past the faces milling about, drinking and talking. they had spoken before since jaehyun had recognized him-- and usually it goes a little something like this, a little like asking him if his parents really are cha minseok and cha sora, and they absolutely can’t believe that they’re meeting their son, right now, and no he doesn’t know where they are at the moment, no he can not give you their autographs, i’m so sorry-- maybe another time! so he’s a little surprised at the fact that jaehyun points out the times that it’s just been.. suhyeon in things, like the few appearances he had made in supporting roles when he was younger.

it was a difference that lingered in his mind, shifting forward past other interactions that he’s had.

and despite the way that the event has progressed, suhyeon is still in his suit and tie, his hair still carefully smoothed back, makeup still pristine. as he approaches jaehyun, he recognizes that familiar fatigue of the tightness of his collar that inevitably hits him at some part of the night, but he still powers through. just as the rings on his fingers still shine, he will continue to, as well, in the best way that he can present himself.

“hey! i didn’t expect to see you here, but hello,” suhyeon greets, and there is a smile gracing his features, in his eyes and his lips and the curve of his cheeks, as he comes into view of him and catches his eyes. “it’s a bit nice to see a familiar face, especially after the blindfolds,” there is laughter tumbling from his mouth, dissipating the tightness in his chest for just a moment as he exhales a bit of the tension.

throughout all of their conversations, suhyeon is always amicable, but he always wonders, whenever anyone comes up to him, if they’re talking to him because they’re interested in who he is, or they’re interested in his parents, or if they only recognize him because of that blurry appearance in the video that had spread and climbed like fire the year previous. anyone walking up to him, now, he always holds his breath, thinking that maybe if he did, he’ll get an answer he prefers, doesn’t have to grit his teeth and pretend like he wants to smile at a person who still wants to bring something like that up, even after all of this time.

like this, suhyeon hopes that maybe jaehyun can only see his roles, maybe forget that little tidbit. everyone here, he wonders what they see when they look at him, if they recognize him at all, which thing it’ll be. it’s a little like roulette, and suhyeon’s getting a little tired of betting, keeps spinning the wheel and hoping for one and feeling his heart drop when it’s not what he wanted.

“admittedly, my eyes caught you once the blindfolds dropped. it was a lot to take in but--,” he takes a moment to cast his gaze away, lip sinking into his teeth as he reminisces of the events that happened earlier in the evening, shrugs a little and brings his glass to his mouth. takes a sip and feels it fizzle on his tongue like the candy he used to eat when he was younger, crackling and turning his tongue blue-- brings it back down and directs a bright smile in jaehyun’s direction. “i supposed everything was probably alright, since i saw you,” he murmurs, finding his eyes again.

he knows in the past he’s been friendly towards jaehyun but cautious-- he’s always guarded, afraid of someone just wanting to know him for his parents again, someone to take advantage of any sort of weakness he shows, even with the way that guards himself so closely these days. it’s to the point that he has turned down a few larger party invites from the other, supposes that tonight is one of the largest gatherings he has attended with alcohol and other people who go to their school, and it might be the reason for the majority of the nerves that carefully break into and burn away at the edges of his thoughts.

there’s memories, too, of smaller outings with jaehyun and his friends that he had accepted in lieu of rejecting the others, though the nights are simple, and suhyeon remembers fading a bit into the background on his own purpose, never allowing anyone too close, as always, an arm’s length away even though he’s smiling, he’s laughing along.

he would never let himself truly let go around anyone else ever again.

[velvetspins]

━━ECHOES OF FOOTSTEPS LEADING INTO A NEW DANCE ! ❝ @chxngho ❞

he’s running his fingers over the silk that had been placed over his eyes, now in the careful grasp of his hands, the dull murmur of chatter an echo outside of his ears. there is his heart beating in his chest, carefully thudding against his ribcage like it’s threatening to break through, like he can barely contain himself in the suit he had pulled on at the beginning of the evening. it had been ironed with a hum under his breath, a slow exhale, smoothing over the collar, the tie, the buttons up his chest, neatly trimmed fingernails and hands without blemishes.

the dinner had been lovely. the blindfold was unexpected, but suhyeon still followed with careful footsteps. saying yes was easy, signing his name away even easier. yes, that is his name that has his parents carefully tucked away in the corner, that is his own name he has grown with and the one he has learned with and the one that has become stained, and it is the one that covers over everything that he keeps inside. maybe that is why it was easy-- to sign away in the hopes that maybe this time, maybe now is when suhyeon will be able to have an opportunity to pick himself back up.

suhyeon places the back of his wrist against his slacks and ties it into a bow with his other hand. it fits just right at the end of his pressed white shirt-- he leaves it there, finally raising his eyes to the rest of the room. sleek shadows and the echoes of heels and dress shoes, opulence and marble and everything that he has become accustomed to. long ago he cast away the fact that he never felt like he fit in these places-- he was supposed to, he had to, and so he stands from his seat and makes his way towards the drinks. he can’t see himself handling the rest of the evening without something smoothing down his throat a gentle, familiar burn.

there is the footsteps echoing against the floors, ones that make suhyeon aware of his presence, that he focuses on as he approaches the table and slips a flute of champagne waiting there in between his fingers, takes a sip to feel the burst of bubbles against his tongue, maybe just the same like his thoughts right now, a swirl of disbelief and barely there nerves, that rolling feeling in his stomach when he keeps spotting han insoo halfway across the room and he quickly looks away, nausea climbing up his throat.

there’s someone standing there already, and his eyes sweep to take him in. he believes that it’s the second temperance pledge, the one that had been nominated alongside him.

he supposes he should start somewhere.

swallows, his fingers tapping against the cool condensation of the glass. is he the only one that feels like all of this is too good to be true-- an opportunity to lift himself from the ashes and rubble he had been laying in ever since his freshman year, a turnaround to the way that he had started, equally feeling he was still left motionless and beaten down while han insoo had paraded forward, uncaring and seemingly unaware. he takes another drink from the glass in his hands.

“when i received the invitation, i did not know i was agreeing to being swept away,” he starts, a carefully constructed laugh pushing past his lips. “you’re.. the other temperance pledge, correct?” suhyeon continues, and he stops tapping his finger against his glass, straightens his posture and reminds himself where he is. one, two, three, inhale-- exhale, remember your steps, suhyeon, remember the way that you must spin, remember the way you must pretend.

“i don’t believe we’ve been able to properly meet before. i’m cha suhyeon,”

he settles into this like a warm bath. his eyes extending the greeting just as the smile quirking the edges of his lips do-- he knows his mother would be proud.

[rpmusings-galore]

                                     silence around me.  cacophony within me.  

[holy-yeosang]