It's 2 in the morning, I can't sleep, been too long and I need to tell you something. I'm living my happy life. I got THE degree. I have THE job. I married THE guy. We have THE dog. I drive THE car. I have all of these amazingly wonderful things. I mean, we have forks. Like, we OWN forks. I used literal money to BUY forks. The metal kind. For eating. So, there's that. We also have a book shelf with books on it because we are cultured and totally sophisticated. I own a plunger. So. I'm pretty much an adult now. And I know this for a couple different reasons. One is, of course the plunger mentioned previously, but the other is all my writing lacks all that angst. When I look back at anything I creatively wrote, it was dripping with tales of a why-don't-boys-like-me girl who was in "love" with a why-doesn't-he-notice-me boy and how ugly I thought I was. I remember thinking I was so cool and sly writing things on a tumblr account only a small handful of classmates knew about. I was always so sure the right he's-so-much-cooler-and-better-than-me boy would read what I had created and think to himself, "Damn, this girl is so complex and creative, I want to take her to prom with me." The pinnical of teenage existence, my "fully realized" identity, is kept here in pixels and code. Most people would look back at this kind of stuff and cringe, but I love it. I am totally inspired by the little awkward and shy self that felt a rush in clicking Post when she let her true self shine in word form. She is me, and I am her evolved, like a Pokemon. Circle of life. Lion King. Hakuna matata. Are you following me? Here I am, living my best life, and yet, I look at this angsty acne covered me and envy her in some ways. I envy her innocence. I knew life sucked but I thought it was because of math. Now I know life sucks because of math and also adulthood. Her biggest worry were covering zits, looking "stylish", homework, and trying to make people like her. Now, I have all those worries still and then some, like paying bills. Waking up at 6, and not coming home till 6 for poor wages. Health insurance? Taxes? What the hell is escrow and what's a deductible? I envy her creativity. Somewhere along the way, adulthood has this cute thing it does where it sucks out your soul and then burns it in a firey pit. In that process, my creativity has had no outlet. I work, I come home, I eat, I try to enjoy the short time I have with my husband, and I sleep. Rinse and repeat. I can't say I don't have time, because technically, that isn't true at all. I don't have the fire or the passion to do much of anything but watch TV and pet my dog. I am a lifeless drone most days. One of my many Netflix binges led me to find a documentary, my favorite TV pleasure, about Minimalism. It has very much resonated with me to my very core and sort of relit this passion in me. They talk about how we as humans work to fill voids and feel full with stuff. Mass quantities of useless shit. I am a human, surprise surprise, so this really woke me up. The documentary had several amazing messages, but one was to get rid of the junk in life and replace it with love for life and people and hobbies and connections, not items or treasures. I want to write more. It won't be angsty and it won't always be about me or even true at all, but it will be me, the evolved Pokemon. I want to draw more. People have told me for a long time that I was a great artist and that still makes me laugh, but I really do enjoy doing it. I want to take up hand lettering. My handwriting has always been very neat, so I want to amplify that with something brand new to me. I want to make videos. I don't know what about, and I don't really care. I just want to make videos. No one might watch then just like no on might read this, but I don't care. I think I'll maybe start by documenting my journey to minimalism the best I can. And maybe it won't work. Who knows. I really do love my life and I am happy. I just am not satisfied with a life of work, money, and stuff. I crave more in my existence than that. I'm craving more self discovery. More growth. More coffee.....
