I kind of stoped enjoying doing the activity I do with my friends on recess since my friendās friends joined, because before that we were goofing around having fun, screaming, and doing whatever shit as long as it kept the game going, now from those there are about 5 people left and one of them is my friend who does this like seriously and then that friendās friends joined, at first it was fun because they goofed around too, then the others that played with us (apart from those 5) started leaving, and they started getting more serious with it and now the other four of us who donāt really do that activity as an actual like really serious go to training sort of deal but still are partially good at it and really enjoy it kind of barely are included when we are in it, at first I didnāt mind because I love watching people do what they love but the last two fridays when we (the other 4 plus some friend that wanted me to teach her how to play) started playing around only us because the others were training and now I realize how much I miss those times and now I feel bad for wanting to play separately from them, because I love watching them and all, Iāve stayed overtime to watch them, been the only person cheering them on because I genuinely enjoy this game and I enjoy playing it (I would train but I have too many things going on and I donāt have any time at all left sadly) and they are really good, I mean it, Iām mesmerized half the time about how well they play, honestly that might be how my crush became my crush if Iām being honest with myself, and they are mostly good people, I personally havenāt had any problems with them, on the contrary in fact, apart from my crushes weird behaviour Iāve been greeted by them, but I just kind of want to actually play, specially since I canāt do it outside of those recess, and I kind of feel like at least one of the others want to do it too, they kind of have their sponsor of the time, at first it was me, they joined me in the games truly, gave me advice that I followed, and improved because of it, went all in with me because they saw that they might could, then they chose my other friend and they began to do the same to him, because heās got fast reflexes and all, and the others and me were left to the side and I noticed they just stood there, not really prepared to get the ball, because they knew that the others would go, even if it was in front of them, so I realized that happening too and began to do the same, so when the ball came to me, even if it was a fluke (it most likely was) I wasnāt ready and it either bounced off of me or I used my reflexes to get it, most likely the second one, I have honestly somewhat good reflexes, but that is it, now they are starting to choose another one of my friends that has just started playing and he is being chosen now, the other one that was chosen before has started being left to the background but for some shitty life reasons he might start to train for this game so he wonāt be put in the background and Iām happy for that because he is good, he is really good and for what heās been through he deserves to enjoy himself, but I can see the others being a little bit less excited to play now, one of them has started to stop coming from time to time, Iām always there, always, sometimes I have my bad days (mostly due to exhaustion because of my busy schedule that sometimes becomes overly busy) but Iām always there, sometimes Iām extra cheery and go out of my way to keep the game going and people can tell but Iām starting to feel less like playing lately even if itās all I wanna do, I wanna play in recess, during class, after leaving school, in my house, on the night, always, but I just donāt feel like Iām good enough to play with them or that they at least donāt seem to think so
we have 2 different anniversaries through the year, the first one has already passed and this was a competition and I entered, but u wasnāt put in because it was 3 girls and 3 boys, my friends were already 2 and I was the third but we needed to include people from 4 different grades, and my friends were utterly necessary, so I was there if anybody needed a change, nobody did and I just stood there like an idiot watching the entire game from the side (the only one actually, the other teams didnāt have any subs) even one of my friendās friends went out of his way to ask if I would be put in in the game at all or if I had played and I told him no, and that I probably wouldnāt he asked why and I told him why, he looked confused but didnāt say anything other than hmm, and I was right, I wasnāt put in, and I realized that for the second anniversary that will be in September, I would just waste my time and some space on my backpack if I said I would play, so I told one of my friends (not the one that is my connection to the her other friends) on a day I was off my game that I would not be entering the competition (it was the other one that does train, and usually sheās the nicer one that wants to include everyone even if they suck, but I thought it would be easier to convince her that I shouldnāt put my name in the competition even just in case, I was right but not in a way that I would have liked to be) and she said āyeah, itās better that wayā and it honestly felt like a kick in the gut, like fuck it I am trying and Iām sorry I canāt stay and train like you guys but shit I fucking love this game and Iām trying, now I feel like I maybe should have approached my other friend because although maybe she wouldnāt understand my reasoning for not entering and would beg me for the months to not do so to enter anyways and tell me, thereās still time to change my mind, at least I wouldnāt feel like Iām incompetent and Iām just taking up space while the others play, specially I know that because there have been countless times my friend could have just gone to play the game without me but instead dragged me to go with her or just waited outside for me before going to play even if I told her that she could go and that I wouldnāt feel bad, sheās probably the reason I started playing again, and she is honestly the only one that doesnāt seem to be pissed at me in my off days, instead she just laughs with me and says āsomeone needs her coffeeā we laugh and agree that Iām exhausted and move on, I know she wouldnāt have made me feel like that and weirdly I know that that guy that asked me if I would play in that anniversary wouldnāt make me feel that bad, neither his best friend, and honestly that makes me feel betrayed by that one friend, I genuinely value honesty above all, but that just made me feel like crap and itās not their fault because I have all these feelings bottles up and itās not her fault but I just feel really bad about what happened and the whole playing with the guys that are serious deal, but I canāt distance myself from them and the game because 1 I donāt want to stop playing and I know that if I donāt play with them Iāll stop playing altogether, and 2 I just, donāt want to, like Iāve said ther are great people and I really just donāt want some feelings that are probably just intrusive thoughts to win, not when I have accomplished so much mentally in the past year and a half
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