a stack of mental illnesses in a trench coat

and also some physical disabilities just for fun

[ventblog42069]

you can call me alex. its not my name, but its what you can call me. he/they pronouns.

30s. married. gay. bipolar one, ptsd, adhd, autism. probable-eds, mystery digestive issues, migraines.

this blog exists exclusively for when i wish to scream about something and i don't feel comfortable doing it on my main. posting will be highly personal and highly sporadic. i block liberally and i don't tag for much.

i have a strong safety net irl and a high tolerance for the bullshit my brain does, so you can generally trust that i am safe and handling whatever it is that i'm venting about.

mental illness tag: "#alex's brain is misbehaving"

physical illness tag: "#alex's body is misbehaving"

combo illness tag: "#alex is having a bad time"

misc tag: "#misc alex bullshit"

[ventblog42069]

annoying thing about having bipolar #400: when stressful things happen, you also have to worry about the potential for a manic episode

[ventblog42069]

shout out to all the bipolar people who are just, like, really feeling spring this year & are definitely not having a manic episode

[ventblog42069]

so like at what point do you think we have to reach before we move out of Capitalism and into Something Else. like there's gotta be a point where this gets so extreme it isn't even Capitalism anymore. right.

[ventblog42069]

whenever i talked about expanding teen rights as a teen -- lowering the voting age, giving teens the same labour rights as adults, etc -- adults were always like "well when you're my age, you won't want people your age to vote!" and now I'm 30 and i can with confidence that literally all of them were wrong. teens deserve the same voting rights and labour rights as adults.

[ventblog42069]

sometimes u stop taking ur antipsychotic medication for a week and ur brain immediately launches itself into a different dimension, reminding u why ur on it in the first place. but sometimes u stop taking ur antipsychotic medication for a week and it mostly just makes you kindof a dick, and in true dick fashion u think that it is actually everyone else's fault. and that's both way less helpful and, in my experience, way more dangerous in the long term.

[ventblog42069]

you ever want to just grab someone and shake them while repeating "if you don't tell people things, they have no way to know them" and "if you don't communicate problems to people then they won't know those problems exist" and "people can't accommodate your needs if you refuse to share them"

[the-tenth-arcanum]

ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to be into shit no one cares about

[ventblog42069]

as a csa survivor there is nothing more infuriating to me than talking to non-csa survivors about csa. so many people will be like "i think every single pedophile should be executed" and then when i point out that actually that will just cause csa reporting to get even worse than it already is, they act like i'm crazy. kids are, generally speaking, abused by their family members. if the punishment for people who abuse kids is death, then kids won't report. because they don't want to kill their parent, or their sibling, or their cousin.

and half the time the only way i can get people to stop virtue signalling about murdering pedophiles and actually fucking listen to what i'm saying for a second is by disclosing my own status as a csa survivor. i shouldn't have to tell you about the worst parts of my life to get you to take me seriously.

it's like everyone has decided that harming abusers is more important than helping victims. it makes me feel insane.

[ventblog42069]

there have been several benefits to quitting cannabis, and when i first started dreaming again i was excited. but its been mostly ptsd nightmares, which isnt great.

[ventblog42069]

"your trauma symptoms are normal and understandable" and "your trauma symptoms make your life and the lives of those around you worse" are both true and the best thing you can do for your recovery is internalize both of them. sooner rather than later.

[ventblog42069]

my grandmother was abused by her father, and she never dealt with her genuine, severe trauma. and those symptoms of her trauma became vectors of her abuse towards her children.

my father was abused by his mother, and he never dealt with his genuine, severe trauma. So those symptoms of his trauma became vectors of his abuse towards his children.

I was abused by my father, and because of several things -- namely, a good support system outside my immediate family -- i got out younger and dealt with my trauma. Do i still have some lingering issues? yeah, man. shit's hard. But because i identified harmful and maladaptive behaviours and thought patterns, and because i worked to reduce and eventually eliminate those reactions, i have avoided the path that my father and grandmother walked down.

in fact, through understanding why my father acted the way he did, i was able to redirect those same core trauma symptoms -- fears of abandonment, severe conflict aversion, rejection sensitivity -- towards healthier behaviors. it took a while, yeah. but it got easier with time, as i practiced. and now, what once seemed impossible is in fact my day-to-day life.

and gods, im so much happier now than i was.

[ventblog42069]

"your trauma symptoms are normal and understandable" and "your trauma symptoms make your life and the lives of those around you worse" are both true and the best thing you can do for your recovery is internalize both of them. sooner rather than later.

[ventblog42069]

one of the more niche annoying things I've encountered since i started experiencing chronic fatigue is how everyone seems to assume that audio & video content is the easiest thing for everyone to consume.

i swear like all of the "what to do when you can't do anything" posts on forums are like "there's always more tv/movies/audiobooks!" and while im sure that works for people who both 1: enjoy those mediums generally and 2: don't have severe processing issues, i am in neither of those groups. so i guess im just supposed to stare at a wall all day?

[ventblog42069]

its 3:30 am

why the fuck am i awake

[ventblog42069]

to be clear, its not that i haven't slept. i have. i just also woke up about an hour ago & haven't been able to fall back asleep yet

[ventblog42069]

its 3:30 am

why the fuck am i awake

[ventblog42069]

i think one of the hardest things for me in the present day about having been abused extensively as a child is that there is so much of my life that is really, really hard to feel connected to. and when i do feel connected to it, it's often a very bad feeling.

There is so much music that i liked, that i really, really enjoyed, that i overwhelmingly associate with my father, and specifically with his abuse. And i liked that music! its good music! but for the last decade i have been avoiding it, because it was just too painful. i couldn't get past the pain, so i couldn't enjoy it.

but its been over a decade now, and i've found myself wanting to try and listen to it again, so I've been experimenting. trying to listen to them. seeing how it goes, trying not to get too anxious, to just let it happen how its gonna happen. so here's my notes i that, i guess.

temple of the dog: i really loved album this as a kid, but it was too hard. i had to stop before the first song ended.

dark side of the moon: made it through most of Money before i had to quit. wasn't into it much as a teen, and although i really liked it now it just got too painful.

bat out of hell: didn't have any weird feelings until after i finished the album. i liked it a lot but its not gonna be in the rotation at all; too specific of an album imo.

bat out of hell 2: nope. can't do it. stared at the tracklist and froze. not happening.

jagged little pill: got through a few songs. some of them are incredible, some of them are mid, and the mid ones are also the most painful for me so there wasn't a lot to keep me going. might try to go back, but probably not.

guess i'll update this as i go? just for my own record keeping, i guess.

[ventblog42069]

being really really aware of pseudoscience and speaking frankly about -- because i experience psychosis and i have to be, for my own safety -- is a really great way to piss people off.

[ventblog42069]

like. examples.

someone will suggest an herbal medicine to me, so i will look into research. there's no evidence that it works, and it has many documented side effects. i tell them no. they push me on why, and swear it works. i say the research isn't there. they call me a gatekeeper and say i must hate people with no access to doctors.

someone suggests i see a chiropractor. i tell them its actually contraindicated for me, and in general has shown no efficacy and several severe dangers. i suggest they go to physical therapy for injuries and chronic issues. they tell me i am lying and preventing the advancement of medicine.

someone tells me to try the blood type diet. i say no. they say it works. i say it doesn't in randomized control trials -- any of the diets will 'work' for anyone, because they are all generally healthy. it has nothing to do with blood type. they tell me i am dismissing "the science of genetics".

im just so fucking tired y'all. im so fucking tired.

[ventblog42069]

i just fucking hate how people will evangelize to u about bullshit and then when u do the same thing except nice and with science instead of aggressive and with bullshit then they get angry at u. even tho they started it and they're also wrong.