Ventilation System

Disclaimer for basically all of this: This is dumb and I just needed to vent cause the little bit I'm talking about it is downplaying everything going on in my head because people would think I was insane otherwise

[ventilationsystem]

So I did something I knew would end with my being hurt, because my fucking idiotic hopeless romantic self decided that maybe I can have something work out right, but you know reality.

Even the smallest amount of vulnerability seems to result in heartache. So why bother at all? I'll just stay here behind all my walls where I'm safe because if this hurts this badly, I honestly dont think I could handle more.

So fuck it right? I can be alone forever, I think part of me has always known I would be. I'm not someone who people would want to try to break through to anyway.

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I made a deal with myself 6 years ago that I foolishly thought couldn't possibly last THAT long, but 6 years later it had been SIX FUCKING YEARS, and the terms still werent fulfilled, so I have broken that deal.

I feel surprisingly cool with having done so.

[ventilationsystem]

My consumption of fiction has given me the delusional ability to have hope even when I know there really isnt any and tbh I'd rather be able to just accept the hopelessness. It would be so much less painful than having to constantly remind myself why something isnt going to happen and I still suffer the pangs of disappoint when it doesnt happen even thought I KNEW it wouldn't all along anyway.

[ventilationsystem]

One minute you could be minding your own business, not really thinking about a person much unless they come up or something in particular brings them to mind, and then all of a sudden they say or do ONE thing and suddenly you cant seem to STOP thinking about them, even though you know you should cause that thing that triggered your brain to go all run away thought train was something totally casual and that person has thought of you exactly zero times since then..